Remember 2005 (Like The Alamo, But Way More Depressing)--Post-Game Breakdown

First, a few words from our sponsors:

"That's one of the worst games I've ever been part of."--Mark Bruener

"I'm embarrassed.  I didn't sign up to be a loser."--Dunta Robinson

"Turnovers are the main problem.  We had a bunch (five), and we didn't get any."--DeMeco Ryans

"It's very upsetting."--Sage Rosenfels

"The mistakes we make on a week-to-week basis are unacceptable and give you no chance."--Gary Kubiak

"Pass the bleach.  I'm thirsty."--Tim

The first five (5) quotes, like the turnovers in yesterday's game, are courtesy of your Houston Texans (via the Chronicle's coverage of the latest debacle).  The last one was uttered by yours truly after Bryan Pittman forgot he was snapping to Matt Turk and not Manute Bol in the second quarter.  Which, by the way, was atrocious, but not nearly as unforgivable as Turk's reaction to it.  If I didn't know better, I'd be convinced that Turk had money on San Diego.  That's how bad it was.  And Turk's "plan?"  Are you kidding me?

"My plan was to kind of loop around a little bit and get an angle on the ball so I could kind of get it running toward the sideline and maybe throw it away or whatever, kick it," Turk said. "And the ball stopped on me. It had some english on it or something. It hit the end zone and stopped. I looked, and the ball wasn't there, and by then it was too late.

"Hindsight, I probably should have just followed the ball and fallen on it and gotten the safety."

Hindsight?  Hasn't Turk been a punter longer than many people who are of voting age have been alive?  You're telling me that it's not automatic to simply kick the ball out of the endzone in that scenario?  He kicks footballs for a living, for chrissakes!  Shouldn't that be his default reaction whenever he sees a f*@king football?  To just kick it?  If football was a religion, Turk's gaffe would qualify as one of the mysteries of the faith.

But that was simply the most notable of an entire game's worth of kidney punches.  There's plenty of blame to spread around, so let's get started before I have to re-medicate:

  1.  Did anyone else audibly choke when they saw The Schaub in the huddle before the first play from scrimmage?  No way I was the only one, much like there's no way I was the only one who was praying that the team would sit him against San Diego.  Pure and simple--he shouldn't have been out there.  Even though he (and the rest of the offense, for that matter) looked relatively decent on the first drive of the game (especially considering the travesties that would be visited upon us as the game progressed), I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And drop it did, in the form of a vicious cheap shot by Drayton Florence.  Who, by the way, should get sucker-punched the next time a Texans fan sees him.  Now, our franchise QB has a concussion (a/k/a "dinged up" in Kubes Speak).  Awesome.  Just awesome.  Let me be abundantly clear about this:  If Matt Schaub steps into a game anytime before 11/18/07, Gary Kubiak should be arrested for assault.  No need to wait until the inevitable blow that leaves The Schaub wondering why no one's brought him the Crystal Pepsi he asked for; due process does not extend to the football field.  I'm pretty sure there's a specific exception carved out in the Texas Penal Code.
  2.  I'm not even going to blame Schaub for the two (2) picks he threw before he got his clock cleaned.  He wasn't right, and he shouldn't have been out there.  I'll give him a mulligan.
  3.  I will not be nearly as kind to Sage Rosenfels.  His two (2) INTs were the stuff of David Carr.  Read that last line again.  There is no stronger indictment for a QB on BRB.
  4.  The only, and I mean the ONLY, good thing to come out of yesterday's game was Joe Echemandu's performance (10 carries for 62 yards, plus 2 catches for 11 yards).  Joe E. actually hits holes at a speed of more than 0.3 MPH.  Given Ahman Green's lack of health (and race to see if he can win the mantle of "Most Dollars Paid Per Yard") and Ron Dayne's insistence on being Ron Dayne, Echemandu has to get the start at Oakland on Sunday.  He's the only RB on the roster with any semblance of burst.
  5.  Nice work, Joel Dreessen.  Without you, the team wouldn't have reached double-digits.  Of course, without the Chargers showing real class and restraint, they would have hung 70 on Houston.
  6.  Good to see Jacoby Jones back in the mix at WR.  As Apostrophe Davis has had some troubling drops the last couple of weeks, I'm hoping Jones becomes a larger part of the passing game.  The coaches need to figure out if he can be counted upon as a slot receiver or even WR2.  Speaking of...
  7.  I can't believe I'm typing this, but I am.  Here goes:  Kevin Walter has been the most valuable offensive player of the first half of the season.  Seriously.  I don't think anyone else is even in the discussion.
  8.  The offensive line only gave up one (1) sack, and I thought the blocking was worlds better than last week against Tennessee.  Of course, they could have physically laid down on the field and taken a nap, and it wouldn't have been worse than last week.  Still, baby steps, as I try to convince myself that Chris White is going to be an upgrade over Mike Flanagan at center on the slippery slope of the "Well, he couldn't possibly be any worse!" theory.
  9.  Which asshat Charger was it that did the cartwheel and blackflip on the field?  I need to add him to my "People To Punch In The Throat" List.
  10.  Super Mario had a sack!  That makes four (4)!  Yeah, yeah, yeah--Rivers had absolutely nowhere to go, and Mario was simply the first of a group of defenders that could have pushed him down.  But seeing as how people are going to unfairly judge him on his sack totals, I'm going to unnecessarily praise him when he picks up even the most routine of takedowns.
  11.  Once again, little to no pass rush from the front four, and the number of blitzes sent could probably be counted on one hand.  I'm not going to call for Richard Smith to be fired or anything.  But the refusal to fix something that's so clearly malfunctioning is bordering on absurd.
  12.  When the opposing QB only needs to throw ten (10) passes and you still give up three (3) TDs through the air, something is very, very wrong.
  13.  If I don't mention Petey Faggins' name, will it be like he isn't on the team?  And then maybe the Texans will realize that running him out there is the equivalent of having ten men on the field?  Hell, maybe it's like having nine men on the field.  He's that bad.  Whoever thought that Faggins should be allowed anywhere near Antonio Gates, even if it was to get an autograph, should have his head checked.  Because that first TD pass, the one where Gates had no one within fifteen (15) yards of him, apparently started with Faggins on him.  I say "apparently" because whoever was responsible for Gates did not even check him after the snap.  It was like there were ten men on the field.  See what I did there?  The kids call that "completing the circle."  Anyway...it's not even funny anymore.  Fred Bennett has to start at CB2 for the remainder of the season.
  14.  I didn't forget about you, C.C. Brown.  Your jockstrap is still at the ten yard line, right where you left it, when Gates juked you for his second TD.
  15.  Let's close with a final, hilarious stat.  Total Yards for your Houston Texans:  367.  Total Yards for the San Diego Chargers:  237.  Yet the Texans still lost by 25, and it should have been far worse.  I hate numbers.
This Sunday's game at Oakland should concern any Texans fan.  It's a team that's very beatable, but there's no way that anything resembling the efforts we've seen since Jacksonville is going to result in anything but another loss.  I'm very worried that dropping the next one, even though it's on the road, could be the death knell on a season that started out so damn promising.  Lose, and you're 3-6 heading into the bye.  Win, and you're a much more palatable 4-5, with the hope that the (possible) return of your starting QB and No. 1 WR after the bye sparks something for the remainder of the year.  This one is humongous.  Let's hope a sense of urgency carries the day.  The alternative is just too horrid to contemplate.
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