I had a dream last night that Jesus and I were riding in a canoe on Lake Conroe. It was a beautiful day and his long brunette hair was majestically blowing in the wind as he guided our canoe. Sitting there staring at Jesus I only had one thing on my mind."Jesus", I said, "are the Texans going to beat the Colts tomorrow?" He looked right into my eyes and it seemed like the world stood still. He then calmly stopped rowing, set his paddles down and replied with, "Fuckin' A, baby!" Then ripped off his Jesus outfit to reveal that he had painted a blue eight on his chest and started doing the ickey shuffle across the lake! Oh, yeah. Gametime, bithes.
I lucked my way into two tickets to the game today. I took my little brother. We sat in Sec:123 Row:F Seats:16 and 17. It was so bad ass. We were right at the 10 yd line, six rows from the field. I didn't bring a walkman to listen to Vandy call the game but I did bring my note tablet. Here are my game notes:
- Peyton Manning has the biggest head I have ever seen in my life. His forehead is at least a foot in height if it's an inch. He resembled one of those super strong retards from high school. It was really creeping me out.
- The guy sitting in front of me was a total douche. He came with some chick and was trying to impress her with his astute football knowledge but he didn't know shit. He kept referring to Matt Schaub as "Mark Schaub" and Demarcus Faggins as "Dominique Faggins". I was getting so pissed. Coming to Reliant Stadium and calling Matt Schaub "Mark Schaub" is the same as going to church and calling Jesus Christ "John Christ". Get a clue, you terd.
- Seriously, Peyton Manning's head is huge. It's like straight out of the movie The Hills Have Eyes. Remember when you were little and would walk to the convenience store to get a pickle and they would be on the counter in that gigantic pickle jar? Yeah, that's how big his head is. It's like a gigantic pickle jar with some hair sprinkled on top.
- Like I said, I didn't bring any headphones to listen to the game so maybe they addressed this, but it appeared that before the game the Texans said something like, "Ah screw it, we're bad ass now. Let's try and beat these guys without ever running the ball. Ever." Can someone confirm that for me, was that ever mentioned?
- This is no lie: after Adam Viniateri kicked what seemed like his fortieth perfect field goal of the game he jogged over to the sideline, unhooked his leg, and plugged it into a generator with the same nonchalance you would plug an air freshener into the wall! He's a machine. Like some sort of Terminator sent back in time to kick field goals and piss me off.
- For some reason, white guys high-five for no good reason at a football game. It's the middle of the second quarter with 11 minutes to play and we're in the middle of a T.V. timeout? High-five, baby! You just walked out of the bathroom stall and akwardly made eye contact with another white guy? Fuckin' hit em up top. High-five, baby!
- I can't stress this enough, Peyton Manning's head is so big. Soooooo big. It was like the head of a frigg'n Budweiser Clydesdale! Imagine a cinder block with a face drawn on it. Yeah, his head is that big.
- It also appears that Demarcus Faggins has signed an endorsement deal with Nike to wear special football cleats that weigh 40 lbs. Marvin Harrison ate his lunch today.
- I'm not gay but at one point in the second half we were about to kick off to the Colts. Dexter Wynn was walking towards the left hashmarks doing the whole two-arms-waving-let's-get-it-hype-in-here move and actually made eye contact with me. I pointed at him yelled something cool like, "Bust their asses, homie!" (or it might've been something gay like "Oh my God he's looking at me!" Who knows.) and he POINTED BACK AT ME and started jumping around all geeked up. I started screaming so loud! I was a mad man. Then I looked down and had a major hard-on, big time.
- Moral victories are so much shittier than real victories. If I hear one more person say the Texans got a moral victory against the Colts I'm going to give them a moral punch right in their God damn mouth.
- After the game we were walking through the parking lot and there was this guy wearing a Peyton Manning jersey looking for his car. He was being followed by this shirtless drunk guy who was hollering, "Hoouuuuu-ston Texxxxxxx-ans!" intertwined with "Go back to Indy you faggoty asshole!". Everyone was laughing. Including me. If you're reading this "shirtless drunk guy who inappropriately yells profanities at people", I salute you.