Three And Out: Useless Predictions For The First Monday Night Game In Franchise History

And what of your prognostications on our defensive playcalling? Back to Vanilla (based on your score prediction)?

Man, I wish I could be there, but I’ll be consuming the Fattire, like it’s the Freaking Superbowl in my RED #90!

I don’t see any reason why the Texans shouldn’t win this game handily.

Texans 33, Jags 20

-David Garrard rushes for one touchdown, and as an endzone celebration goes to the nearest hot dog cart, orders a Chicago-style, and eats it Kobayashi-fast.

-Steve Slaton rushes 3 times for 210 yards and four touchdowns. That’s right – one of his runs, a 99-yard scramble where he switches fields twice, breaks 22 tackles (that’s two for every defensive player) and makes out with three cheerleaders en route to the endzone is determined to be worth two touchdowns. Kris Brown converts one extra point, and Slaton himself rushes for two on the second touchdown, giving the Texans 15 points from one play.

-Petey Faggins hits David Garrard on a corner back blitz and is knocked cold, managing to give himself the DGDB&D KTFO award in the process. Garrard is so stunned that he knocked someone out while looking downfield that he fumbles. The fumble is recovered by DeMeco Ryans who, not to be outdone by Steve Slaton (see above) impregnates three Texans cheerleaders on the way to the endzone. Garrard gives mouth-to-mouth to Faggins, causing the two to discover their love for one another and move to Massachussetts to get married in the offseason. The Texans end up winning the game 22-7.

You heard it here first.

1. we win the coin toss, and take the ball (?)
2. Sage blows up, 300 yards passing 3 TDs and 1 pick (and, shocker, its not a meaningful pick)
3. Duane Brown is the offensive MVP with great technique