Three And Out: Useless Predictions For Monday Night Football

by Tim on Nov 23, 2009 8:00 AM CST in News Comment 58 comments

Only a few more hours until your Houston Texans take on Bud Adams' Army of Darkness at Reliant Stadium. And only a few more hours until the following things come to pass (Ed. note: Author does not personally guarantee the following things will actually come to pass):

1. Mario Williams continues his glorious habit of coming up biggest when the prime time lights are on. 1.5 sacks and a fumble forced for Super Mario. Additionally, he will make one simply astounding play on run defense...one of those how-did-he-get-there-from-where-he-started tackles that leaves you shaking your head and rubbing your eyes.

2. Vince Young passes for 193 yards, runs for 54 yards, and throws for a TD. He also throws an interception. Chris Johnson, meanwhile, rushes for 139 yards and two (2) TDs, one of which comes on a 30+ yard run that causes all of us to nervously glance at each other before taking a long swig of our respective beverages.

3. Monday Night Football is a special occasion, so it's fitting that this edition of "Three And Out" trot out a few special bonus predictions. Without further ado:

a. Matt Schaub finishes with 319 yards passing, 3 TDs, and an interception.
b. Steve Slaton: 13 carries for 49 yards. 3 catches for 26 yards. 1 TD. No fumbles.
c. Andre Johnson: 9 receptions for 131 yards and a TD.
d. Dunta Robinson gets his first pick of the season.

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: This should be an awfully fun game to watch; I expect some severe back and forth. When the smoke clears, however, I like your Houston Texans to emerge victorious. Titans 24, Texans 31.

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texans win big.

defensive td, 3 team sacks, offense shows up big. texans win going away, 38-13. write it down!

Michael: It is going to up in Tahoe a couple more days. Maybe you could take a date?
Lucille: How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?
Michael: The cabin... yes! That would be difficult, too.
http://www.twitter.com/doobieman21

by chrisd21 on Nov 23, 2009 8:03 AM CST via mobile reply actions 0 recs

Texans 27-10

Also – Mario accidentally decapitates Vince Young and Cushing runs his head back for 6 easy points.

by WhiskeyR on Nov 23, 2009 8:30 AM CST reply actions 4 recs

hell yeah!!!

i’m all over that prediction!!!

by turnip73 on Nov 23, 2009 8:34 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

You sir...

are a genius.

Confucius says "man who stands on toilet, high on pot".

by Bobobigbro on Nov 23, 2009 8:38 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

lmao

and then demeco uses his head as toilet paper.

Rumplestiltskin

by jahunter221 on Nov 23, 2009 2:42 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

favor.

whoever is gonna be out there from 3 on, please email me at: christopher.dogan@valic.com i don’t get off till 5 and im riding the train, so i don’t know exactly where u guys are gonna be.

by chrisd21 on Nov 23, 2009 8:36 AM CST via mobile reply actions 0 recs

Damn you lucky bastard.

I dont get off till six. Im not even sure if im gonna make it.

by Jordann on Nov 23, 2009 9:04 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

that sucks!

by chrisd21 on Nov 23, 2009 10:04 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I'm bunking work at 1pm

It’s Tuesday hear in New Zealand and I’ll be damned if I miss only the second Texans game on TV here.

by distant_texans_fan on Nov 23, 2009 12:07 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I'll post my predictions later

But for now let me send a shout to everyone who is going to the tailgate.

Drink a Zima for me.

When I'm on the mic, I'm like global warming, you can't ignore me.

by tehGrindCrusher on Nov 23, 2009 8:43 AM CST via mobile reply actions 0 recs

Dunta

will have a pick this game.I also have a feeling Quinn might make a big play for us tonight as well. My vision for Pollard is to run all over the field knocking the piss out of everyone and take out a few of CJ’s gold teeth. Cushing will attempt to body slam VY at least once this game and Mario AND Smith will be getting pressure on the QB all night. Meco will stop every third down play the Tits try to convert – he will once again be the silent hero for the Texans.

Confucius says "man who stands on toilet, high on pot".

by Bobobigbro on Nov 23, 2009 8:43 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

I honestly don't see Chris Johnson

continuing his hot (scortching) streak tonight.

We have a MUCH improved run defense since the last time we played and I see him having a much more pedestrian 85 yds 1 TD.

"I am from one of the top 15 cities in the world. Buffalo, New York." - TrentEdwardsHoF2018

by Artest4Prez on Nov 23, 2009 8:50 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

I will take it

GO TEXANS!!!!

This is the year.......

by Texanmaniac on Nov 23, 2009 8:54 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

I am shocked right now...

First, Tim this statement is bullshit:

Ed. note: Author does not personally guarantee the following things will actually come to pass

I thought you knew everything man. And second, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read this. I think little Dicky Justice has fallen off the wagon. I still think he would be better in nashville though. Alright, enough of my bitching for now. I predict CJ with 157 total yards; VY 163 total yards, an int, a fumble which will be caused by Super Mario and Crushing will take to the house; SS will break out of his funk and rush for 137 and add 86 receiving with a td; AJ goes for 189 with a td; and Schaub goes for 347 with 3 tds. Texans on top, 31-14.

Miss-placed Houstonian living and going to school in the wilderness of Wyoming.

by BigNate7 on Nov 23, 2009 9:20 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

defense stones tits...

is what I am thinking. The Tits strength on offense is our strength on defense. I don’t see them scoring a lot without getting lucky turnovers, missed plays, etc. Conversely, their weakness on defense is our strength. This shouldn’t be close if we play to our strengths. damn i am so geeked for this one. I don’t want to just win, I want to win going away.

meaningful football games in '08...MAKE THAT 09

by do on Nov 23, 2009 9:21 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

I think this game is going to be close.

Both teams are fired up. It is a divisional game.

I DO think we should start alast minute effort to get everyone in the stadium to turn and flip Bud Adams the BIRD after every Texan’s score.

Final Score:

28-21 Texans.

"An open mind is like a fortress with it's gates unbarred and unguarded."

The ROSENFAIL : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAKAKE-uq-8&feature=related

by TexansForever on Nov 23, 2009 9:40 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

Brilliant!!!

by invisibulman on Nov 23, 2009 9:43 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

If we give Bud the finger after every score...

I would hope the final score is 59-0.

Confucius says "man who stands on toilet, high on pot".

by Bobobigbro on Nov 23, 2009 9:58 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Yeah, but I only have 11 fingers.

When I'm on the mic, I'm like global warming, you can't ignore me.

by tehGrindCrusher on Nov 23, 2009 9:59 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

That means..

You have about three more fingers than the average Titans’ fan.

In the words of Bill Hicks:

In many parts of our troubled world, people are yelling ‘Revolution!’. In Tennessee they’re yelling ’Evolution! We want our thumbs!

by Nashmeister on Nov 23, 2009 10:19 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I might just use this later on today.

by Jordann on Nov 23, 2009 9:46 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

Dang!!!! Double Dang!!!!!!!!

I can’t make it!….previous engagement that I forgot all about until a couple days ago…….

I suppose if all of the stars, moons and planets align it could be possible, but what are the chances of that?

by Rip Jersey on Nov 23, 2009 11:43 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Ok, here goes.

Guaranteed to happen.

1) Chris Johnson is kidnapped by a shadowy gambling syndicate prior to the game and replaced with Lil Wayne. Nobody notices. Lil Wayne helps himself to 200 all-purpose yards but fails to score a touchdown because he gets a tweet from Ochocinco on the goal line (Ochocinco thinks he’s at a Lil Wayne concert, but it turns out it’s CJ instead), causing him to be tackled and gag on one of his gold crowns. He passes out and has to be revived on the sidelines, causing him to miss the rest of the game.

2) Vince Young fumbles a snap when his center accidentally steps on his foot during the exchange, causing his shoe to come off of his foot. Confused, Young picks up the shoe and attempts to throw it to Alge Crumpler, who eats it. Meanwhile, Mario Williams picks up the football and Vince Young, carrying them both to the end zone. #90 keeps the football in his hand and spikes Young. The refs award Williams a touchdown, a safety and an unnecessary roughness penalty. Crumpler gets indigestion and pukes up Young’s shoe on the sideline. His stomach acid has digested the cleats and the shoelaces but nothing else. Young puts his shoe back on and completes the game but the half-digested shoe negates his running game.

3) Because he can no longer run well, Young is so ineffective at QB that he’s yanked. But it’s not for Collins, who is so despondent with life that he’s getting hammered with Little Dicky Justice, Age 12 at the bar, both lamenting about how VY has ruined their lives. In a sneaky, devious move, Bud Adams has signed Jacoby Jones’s mom from the practice squad. She lines up as the snap-taker in a Wildcat formation (called the Cougar) and runs for 60 yards, throwing for 150. She also yells at Keith Bulluck and fixes a bowl of Chunky Soup (Sirloin Burger) for Cortland Finnegan.

Special Monday Night-only bonus prediction:

4) Bud Adams turns up in his luxury box wearing a Frank Reich jersey.

When I'm on the mic, I'm like global warming, you can't ignore me.

by tehGrindCrusher on Nov 23, 2009 9:58 AM CST reply actions 8 recs

pure win

is what the previous post is made of. +1 for Marios trifecta (TD, safety and penalty)

by gk32 on Nov 23, 2009 11:18 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

also

Bud has a stroke in his box and the paramedics rush him under the stands into the dumpster.

Rumplestiltskin

by jahunter221 on Nov 23, 2009 2:44 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

OK, I can't help it. rec'd

That is pure gold there.

by hartley on Nov 23, 2009 3:55 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

LOL...off topic but...

Check out the bowling comment in this thread: http://www.musiccitymiracles.com/2009/11/23/1170222/tennessee-titans-morning-links#comments

Just had me rolling when i thought about it.

"An open mind is like a fortress with it's gates unbarred and unguarded."

The ROSENFAIL : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAKAKE-uq-8&feature=related

by TexansForever on Nov 23, 2009 10:02 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

Nice predictions Tim, especially the final score...

I think your prognostication on the Titans offense are a tad optimistic for the opposing team. Here are mine:

1. I believe in the Texans’ defense. I believe they will continue their league-leading performance against the run over the last six games and they will hold the entire Titans rushing total to under 100 yards. I truly believe that. Chris Johnson, VY, Lendale, or anyone else on the Titans will not break a single run over 20 yards. Stymied is the word I think of when describing the Titans offense tonight.

2. The Titans will become a pass first offense in the 2nd half and we will have a coming out party for Glover Quinn, as he will ballhawk a couple interceptions. Defensive game ball goes to the entire defense, but kudos to Quinn.

3. The Texans offense will thwart the Titans defense with all kinds of underneath quick passes. Everyone will touch the ball. Another Texans rookie will experience his coming-out game, also….Thor! We will see his young explosive power as he catches a pass in full-motor and steps over and through the Leprecaun on a spectacular completion that gets the Texans into the red-zone. Thor will receive his pot-O’gold with a Schaub bullet between the outstretched hands of two Titans linebackers and as he hits paydirt!

Final score 31-13.

I suppose if all of the stars, moons and planets align it could be possible, but what are the chances of that?

by Rip Jersey on Nov 23, 2009 10:25 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

4. We will look back on this season and this is the game that eliminates the Titans from the playoffs!

I suppose if all of the stars, moons and planets align it could be possible, but what are the chances of that?

by Rip Jersey on Nov 23, 2009 2:20 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Lets go guys...

Rock Reliant and boo VY.

by Jahon on Nov 23, 2009 10:32 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

My prediction

Bernard Pollard is gonna knock the piss out of someone, preferably Chris Johnson

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.

by The Night Owl on Nov 23, 2009 10:57 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

WE NEED TO MAKE A STATEMENT TONIGHT TO AND FOR OUR TEAM!

I will not be there but for those of you who will be there for the love of God please boo the crap out of VY when he comes out. Not just a boo but a hostile boo that says get the F out of OUR stadium. Harass people for wearing VY jersey and let the other people in the stands know its ok to talk crap to opposing fans and boo the other team. I think if we made him feel the hate from the stands that it would help our defense and let them know (especially Meco) that this is our house and we hate anyone on the other team and let them know that we don’t want VY here and we hope to remove his head during the game. Let our team know that we know who’s house this is, let them know we are there for them our team and not some cry baby half ass QB who grew up here.

Confucius says "man who stands on toilet, high on pot".

by Bobobigbro on Nov 23, 2009 11:13 AM CST reply actions 1 recs

GET PUMPED!

BRIAN CUSHING AKA BOBBY BOUCHER

"An open mind is like a fortress with it's gates unbarred and unguarded."

The ROSENFAIL : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAKAKE-uq-8&feature=related

by TexansForever on Nov 23, 2009 11:24 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Now that’s some high quality H2O!

Confucius says "man who stands on toilet, high on pot".

by Bobobigbro on Nov 23, 2009 11:29 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

The best is when he Ninja rolls and punches that QB in the nuts. Awesome.

"An open mind is like a fortress with it's gates unbarred and unguarded."

The ROSENFAIL : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAKAKE-uq-8&feature=related

by TexansForever on Nov 23, 2009 11:36 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

ne na na ne na na nanana na

we live to play another day.

TITs don’t. Slaton gets 120 running and another 50 receiving.

by Farmer Fran on Nov 23, 2009 4:12 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Bernard Pollard....

Here is a preview of what Polard on CJ should look like….

Pollard versus CJ MNF Preview

"An open mind is like a fortress with it's gates unbarred and unguarded."

The ROSENFAIL : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAKAKE-uq-8&feature=related

by TexansForever on Nov 23, 2009 11:42 AM CST reply actions 1 recs

Definitely need that 31 Battle Red Jersey

by TexansDC on Nov 23, 2009 11:47 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I've watched that video like ten times

Please do that to Vince and/or CJ.

Please.

When I'm on the mic, I'm like global warming, you can't ignore me.

by tehGrindCrusher on Nov 23, 2009 12:00 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

layeth the smacketh down.....

on some candy ass.

by chrisd21 on Nov 23, 2009 12:08 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

I'm Rollin around

In my new Cadillac cts

It’s awesome. I waited till today to get it just so I can drive it to MNF

se y’all in te orange lot

I’ll be in the black caddy

by AllenOU on Nov 23, 2009 12:27 PM CST via mobile reply actions 0 recs

AM I THE ONLY TEXAN FAN WHO'S READY TO PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE FACE!!

GOD DAMMIT I CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS GAME TO START!!!

Chris - www.HoustonDiehards.com

by HoustonDiehards on Nov 23, 2009 2:03 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

Let

me know where you’re at, I got your back!

by Tex Vet on Nov 23, 2009 2:05 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

No doubt

Bye week.

Monday Night Football.

Titans.

Ya, it’s time for some madness.

"An open mind is like a fortress with it's gates unbarred and unguarded."

The ROSENFAIL : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAKAKE-uq-8&feature=related

by TexansForever on Nov 23, 2009 2:11 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Nope

I’m right their with you man. I’m about to jump out of my freakin skin if this game doesn’t hurry up and get here. These 2 weeks felt like the freakin offseason. I’m about to EXPLODE!!!

Confucius says "man who stands on toilet, high on pot".

by Bobobigbro on Nov 23, 2009 2:12 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

FUKING PUMPED!!!

GO TEXANS!!!!

This is the year.......

by Texanmaniac on Nov 23, 2009 3:33 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I would punch someone in the face but I don’t think the airport security would like that too much.

Miss-placed Houstonian living and going to school in the wilderness of Wyoming.

by BigNate7 on Nov 23, 2009 3:47 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Jus a couple hrs away!!!

I’m gettin impatient waitin fir the game! Hurry up for cryin out loud!!! We gonna take this one 31-17! I got my matt schaub jersey on and ready. He gonna definately throw over 300. And slaton’s season is about to turn around. I still got faith in the dude and he gotta have a big big huge game for us. And as far as VY well y’all know he not gonna be a factor. Someone take him some Kleenex cause he gonna cry after he meets Cushing! He prob would have his suicidal thought again but I don’t give a rats ass about him. Let’s do the damn thing my fellow TEXANS and let’s represent to the fullest!!!!!

by Texan_4_life on Nov 23, 2009 2:39 PM CST via mobile reply actions 0 recs