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Post-Game Breakdown: Texans Pants Seahawks

Didn't know your Houston Texans had it in 'em. Predictable complaints about "taking the foot off the gas" in the second half aside, that was as one-sided a game as I've seen the Texans play since Week One. This experience was far more enjoyable, however, seeing as how this one unfolded with the Texans kicking the arse instead of being on the receiving end. If it wasn't the most dominating performance by the Texans in franchise history, it's at least in the discussion.

The burn, of course, is that the win puts the Texans at 6-7 and is therefore almost surely irrelevant in terms of postseason impact. Watching my team fire on all cylinders like that inevitably causes me to wonder, "Where has that been all season?" I don't have the answer to that question, and Gary Kubiak doesn't either. The inclination may well be to cite the opponent as the primary reason for the outcome, but Seattle had the same record the Texans did going into Sunday's game (though you'd never have known that in watching the game). I guess what I'm saying is that I have no idea why the Texans play the way they do when they do. That's probably the most infuriating thing about this team--the fact that you can never really feel good or bad about what they'll do on a given Sunday. Compared to the dog days of the Capers/Casserly Era, when you knew the Texans were being led to slaughter every week, that's a pretty profound improvement. On to the specifics:

1. If 10 out of the first 15 scripted plays each game had Andre Johnson as the first option, how many points would the Texans average a game? I'm going with 64, because...

2. Surely Kris Brown would miss 6 PATs. I don't know what has happened to the kicker we once dubbed "Mr. Automatic" (stop cackling, Pittsburgh fans). It's frightening. If the Texans were truly in the wild card mix, there would be kickers auditioning this week. If Smithiak doesn't bring in a kicker or two to compete with K. Brown in training camp, they're certifiable.

3. Matt Schaub has progressed to a point as the Texans' quarterback that I'm honestly surprised when he misses a WR. Well, the one interception each game notwithstanding, anyway. The Schaub is very, very good in this offense, and how he'd handle another scheme and/or head coach should be a sizable part of the decision-making process when it comes to Kubiak's future here.

4. Now that Steve Slaton's done for the season, the collective bargaining agreement mandates that another Houston RB start fumbling immediately. Ryan Moats is a company man.

5. Arian Foster: The New Wali Lundy? Foster's a bit bigger, yes. Still, it's going to take a handful of solid games before I jump on the bandwagon. The good news for Foster is that he should be given plenty of opportunities over the last three weeks to make a statement. Kubes knows what he has in Chris Brown and Moats, and neither is consistenly productive enough to warrant taking carries away from the unknown quantity when it's going to take several other teams completely falling apart for a realistic playoff scenario to materialize. Play the kid.

6. Zero sacks of Schaub by the Seahawks. That's particularly noteworthy in light of Schaub's physical condition. Kudos to the offensive line in that respect.

7. The Houston defense played its best game of the season. Seattle convered one out of fourteen (14!) third downs and only one out of five fourth downs. Wow.

8. DeMeco Ryans was all over the field. We take him for granted. Smithiak had better not.

9. Glover Quin is the best cornerback on the roster. He's a rookie, so that's exciting. He's also not stealing from Bob McNair, unlike a certain franchised corner, so that's solid too. I'm rather interested to see if the Texans try to transition Quin to free safety this offseason. I think he's got the chops for it, but the situation at corner is dire enough that I'm not sure you have the luxury of moving him right now.

10. Rumor has it that Mike Kerns got "Pollard Forever!" tattooed in his bikini zone immediately after the game. I'm impressed with what Bernard Pollard has brought to the table, too; I just think it's a bit early to start erecting shrines to the guy. As much as it appears he likes being here, Smithiak shouldn't be breaking the bank for the guy come March.

11. Mario Williams has not looked like Mario Williams all season, yet he's still likely to finish with double-digit sacks. When your bad years are that productive, you're doing something right.

12. If Brian Cushing isn't Defensive Rookie of the Year, there should be an investigation. I told you he'd be terrible awesome.

13. Fake Game Balls: Offense--Andre Johnson; Defense--DeMeco Ryans; Special Teams--Andre Davis.

Up to St. Louis for another winnable game against a team the Texans should handle with relative ease. Which probably means it'll be a nail-biter. Houston Texans Football: Flip That Coin!

Seahawks vs Texans coverage

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only one change.

give that fake gameball to Kevin Bentley…
he was all over the place sunday on special teams.

Michael: It is going to up in Tahoe a couple more days. Maybe you could take a date?
Lucille: How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?
Michael: The cabin... yes! That would be difficult, too.
http://www.twitter.com/doobieman21

by chrisd21 on Dec 15, 2009 1:45 PM CST reply actions  

Re: One Change

Very valid point. Bentley’s been a demon all season; I should do a better job pointing that out.

Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...

by Tim on Dec 15, 2009 1:52 PM CST up reply actions  

I agree.

LVJ was either trying to show off against his former team or he’s really been that good and we haven’t been noticing it.

by Jordann on Dec 15, 2009 2:00 PM CST up reply actions  

like chopping down a tree jordann....

natalie will be MINE!!!!!

Michael: It is going to up in Tahoe a couple more days. Maybe you could take a date?
Lucille: How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?
Michael: The cabin... yes! That would be difficult, too.
http://www.twitter.com/doobieman21

by chrisd21 on Dec 15, 2009 2:20 PM CST up reply actions  

damn right i AM! lol

Michael: It is going to up in Tahoe a couple more days. Maybe you could take a date?
Lucille: How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?
Michael: The cabin... yes! That would be difficult, too.
http://www.twitter.com/doobieman21

by chrisd21 on Dec 15, 2009 3:54 PM CST up reply actions  

another defensive masterpiece

this week.

Top 10 defense here we come.

Mount Cody in round 1

by texanphil on Dec 15, 2009 1:52 PM CST reply actions  

looking at the RB depth chart for 2010

uno. Slaton
dos. ?
tres. Foster

And no Moats, and no Brown.

If the Foster experiment works, and dos up there is a quality back, we can get some high powered OG’s in the draft.

Mount Cody in round 1

by texanphil on Dec 15, 2009 1:54 PM CST reply actions  

re #9

I’m all for moving Quin, but I think you hit the nail on the head.

We need to re-evaluate this in 2010 camp and see if our DB situation is still dire, and if Barber is any good at backing up Wilson.

Keeping him at CB1 puts us in a much better position on draft day. Not needing to fill CB1 and CB2.

Mount Cody in round 1

by texanphil on Dec 15, 2009 1:57 PM CST reply actions  

I would like to see...

the long pass to Andre to start every game, I bet it works more than not even if teams know it’s comin’………

if this post more than once, it’s just because I mean it, or its my over zealous phone.

GO TEXANS!!!!

Our time will come...

by Texanmaniac on Dec 15, 2009 2:17 PM CST via mobile reply actions  

Liston

Would not approve of your Kris Brown bashing sir.

by Jordann on Dec 15, 2009 2:27 PM CST reply actions  

And to think...

The Seahawks cut Brian Russell to make room for whichever terrible safety got repeatedly torched on Sunday. Please, PLEASE, never let him see the field in a Texans uniform.

by Nashmeister on Dec 15, 2009 2:37 PM CST reply actions  

shows how desperate we are

to not let Busing ever see the field again.

Mount Cody in round 1

by texanphil on Dec 15, 2009 2:38 PM CST up reply actions  

The Rams game is as money as they come.

Jut think… The Seahawks beat them 28-0!

Jags? Playoffs?? 2009???

by JamMasterJesus on Dec 15, 2009 3:32 PM CST reply actions  

The seahawks beat the jags 41-0. How many times did we lose to the jags?

by nolander on Dec 15, 2009 6:07 PM CST up reply actions  

yes but those don’t count as I believe we are in our Hyde stretch and Jekyll is put to bed until next year.

Miss-placed Houstonian living and going to school in the wilderness of Wyoming. GO WYO!!! Beat Fresno in the New Mexico Bowl!!!

by BigNate7 on Dec 15, 2009 6:22 PM CST up reply actions  

Your screen name

Is the second best name on this blog. Please stick around for a while.

Proudly supporting the Qatar National Falconry Team since December 6, 2009.

by tehGrindCrusher on Dec 15, 2009 11:22 PM CST up reply actions  

Im assuming that #1 is

Women B. Shoppin

Coz that one is my favorite!

by Jordann on Dec 16, 2009 9:39 AM CST up reply actions  

Has to be.

That one is great.

Yay, sports.

by MDC on Dec 16, 2009 10:28 AM CST up reply actions  

Yes

That’s right. I can’t imagine the screen name that beats Women B. Shoppin.

Proudly supporting the Qatar National Falconry Team since December 6, 2009.

by tehGrindCrusher on Dec 16, 2009 12:43 PM CST up reply actions  

Friend of mine made his AIM screen name

hello i am aids

I think that’s still the best one I’ve ever seen.

- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter

by riversmccown on Dec 16, 2009 3:08 PM CST up reply actions  

rams

im in fantasy playoffs and im a lil scared…i need another schaub/aj performace early or else the texans might take AJ out early and Schaub and i wont get the points…the good thing tho is i have foster so i prolly will start him and hope he gets garbage points

by EveryHoustonTeamRox! on Dec 15, 2009 3:42 PM CST reply actions  

Tim, Tim, Tim....

You really had to go there, huh?

We don’t REEEEEAAALLLLYYYY want to start playing the man crush game, do we?

BattleRedBlog.com DontMessWithTexans.com
Clutchfans.net - Chuck 4 TexansTalk.com - Frak The Jags
Twitter - Zepp1978 Facebook - Zepp1978

by Mike Kerns on Dec 15, 2009 3:52 PM CST reply actions  

Assholes...

BattleRedBlog.com DontMessWithTexans.com
Clutchfans.net - Chuck 4 TexansTalk.com - Frak The Jags
Twitter - Zepp1978 Facebook - Zepp1978

by Mike Kerns on Dec 16, 2009 1:36 PM CST up reply actions  

Hugs!

"Because you cant read. Get lost looser." - Mcnair2VY

by bigfatdrunk on Dec 16, 2009 7:04 PM CST up reply actions  

Oh, and Tim...

The Wali Lundy comparison… outfugginstanding, good sir!
That’s another name I can’t even see without getting a little pissed.

Bacon tastes good... Pork chops taste good.

by beefy on Dec 15, 2009 4:13 PM CST reply actions  

Tim, when did y'all change all the backgrounds and text to red??

Sorry Jordann…. BATTLE red?

Bacon tastes good... Pork chops taste good.

by beefy on Dec 15, 2009 4:32 PM CST up reply actions  

Samkon Gado!

He’s actually a Ram now, too.

- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter

by riversmccown on Dec 15, 2009 4:34 PM CST up reply actions  

Well if he is...

He’s certainly no Morlon Greenwood.

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Dec 15, 2009 4:43 PM CST up reply actions  

Yeah.

I dont think James Allen would last a minute in the Jamaican rap game. I heard that it’s a tough crowd. If he’s thinking of being successful, he better team up with Morlon.

by Jordann on Dec 15, 2009 4:45 PM CST up reply actions  

There ya go.

It’s in your vocabulary. Might as well use it.

by Jordann on Dec 15, 2009 4:40 PM CST up reply actions  

yeah, well...

Just because I CAN masturbate at work, doesn’t mean I SHOULD. I mean, unless it’s like… a slow Tuesday afternoon or something….

Bacon tastes good... Pork chops taste good.

by beefy on Dec 15, 2009 4:45 PM CST up reply actions   1 recs

I see that the shift key got stuck a couple of times there buddy.

At least use your other hand to cover the blast so it wouldn’t be all over your keyboard.

by Jordann on Dec 15, 2009 4:48 PM CST up reply actions   1 recs

Cushing

Looking back at the post you linked to during the draft is hilarious and fun. He made a believer out of not just most of us, but probably 100% of the fan base.

I looked back in the archives around the time we traded for Schaub too. Nice to see Smithiak’s foresight.

by WhiskeyR on Dec 15, 2009 4:30 PM CST reply actions  

I was one of the few who liked that deal

"Because you cant read. Get lost looser." - Mcnair2VY

by bigfatdrunk on Dec 15, 2009 4:44 PM CST up reply actions  

Makes two of us.

In fact, I went so far as to say that, if we got Amobi with the lower pick, then I would consider the draft swap a push.

Weird.

Yay, sports.

by MDC on Dec 15, 2009 5:56 PM CST up reply actions  

/builds bonfire

/gets guitar & starts singing Kumbaya

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Dec 15, 2009 6:46 PM CST up reply actions  

Except, you know,

people have actually SEEN the blog and know that it existed at one point.

Yay, sports.

by MDC on Dec 16, 2009 10:43 AM CST up reply actions  

There Is No Record Of DGDB&D

At least Scott still has an account here.

And you, more than anyone else, know Scott exists. You’ve met him on multiple occasions.

Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...

by Tim on Dec 16, 2009 10:57 AM CST up reply actions  

Umm, no. No it doesn't

“Blog Not Found.”

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Dec 16, 2009 4:32 PM CST up reply actions  

Wow.

I was just reading the Thanksgiving PSA by Travis Johnson about remembering your vegetables when I posted that link. Now it’s gone?

Maybe I was hallucinating.

Or Tim slipped some Zima in my coffee.

by Jordann on Dec 16, 2009 4:48 PM CST up reply actions  

Yep

Matt’s covering his trail faster than Ted Kennedy could drive a car off a bridge.

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Dec 16, 2009 5:02 PM CST up reply actions   1 recs

Personally I find this comment more offensive then his Mcnair comment. Which is to say not very.

by nolander on Dec 16, 2009 5:35 PM CST up reply actions  

I find...

getting banned from MCM for what I said here far more offensive than the comment. Of course, I also find shows on Nick Jr. more offensive than the comment.

No, seriously, that Toot & Puddle is some really gay shit.

Yay, sports.

by MDC on Dec 16, 2009 6:44 PM CST up reply actions  

hah!

They banned you on their site for that comment? Thats pretty silly.

by nolander on Dec 16, 2009 8:33 PM CST up reply actions  

Yup

I wonder if they’ve pre-emptively banned every person at KSK or Deadspin who has made a McNair joke, too. Or if it was just, as one of them said, because I did it “in a post that Jimmy and August were doing for [us]

Yay, sports.

by MDC on Dec 17, 2009 8:51 AM CST up reply actions  

Wait

So have you been banned from an SBN site yet for, you know, something you actually did on that specific site?

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Dec 17, 2009 8:02 AM CST up reply actions  

Exactly

I never post at MCM (like, literally, not in over a year), but I browsed over there during the whole kerfuffle to see if they were bitching about it there. Then, boom!, I get the “You’ve been banned” box popping up as soon as I got there.

That’s lame^douche.

Yay, sports.

by MDC on Dec 17, 2009 8:50 AM CST up reply actions  

Heh

Rec’d for the Kopechne humor.

(I’d actually forgotten entirely about the old blogger site and was only reminded when Jordannnnnnn mentioned it.)

Yay, sports.

by MDC on Dec 16, 2009 6:42 PM CST up reply actions  

Scorched earth FTW!

"Because you cant read. Get lost looser." - Mcnair2VY

by bigfatdrunk on Dec 16, 2009 7:05 PM CST up reply actions  

Shock

and awe, baby.

Yay, sports.

by MDC on Dec 17, 2009 8:50 AM CST up reply actions  

No

I’ve met the crappy, obviously-hiding-a-British-accent actor you hired to PLAY Scott. I still maintain there’s no way a guy from Kentucky wears those euro-trash driving moccasins, especially to a football game.

Yay, sports.

by MDC on Dec 16, 2009 11:20 AM CST up reply actions  

So are you telling me that

If I drink enough Zima’s, DGDB&D will exist again?

by Jordann on Dec 16, 2009 10:43 AM CST up reply actions  

YES

"Because you cant read. Get lost looser." - Mcnair2VY

by bigfatdrunk on Dec 16, 2009 10:46 AM CST up reply actions  

It's Funny

I clearly remember being at the Courtyard near McAllen Airport when I wrote that post, yet I fail to remember 85% or more of the “defining moments” that occurred during the courtship of my wife.

Priorities, man. Priorities.

Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...

by Tim on Dec 15, 2009 4:47 PM CST up reply actions  

Hah that blog entry just makes me feel like we got the best QB available that year.

by nolander on Dec 15, 2009 6:12 PM CST up reply actions  

blockbuster trade for a franchise QB

gets 10 comments.

meth trash talkin now gets 1000+

my how far we’ve come.

Mount Cody in round 1

by texanphil on Dec 15, 2009 9:32 PM CST up reply actions  

hilarious

Look at the dumbasses on that thread: me, Shake, Tim, LVG (???). Man, that’s old school.

"Because you cant read. Get lost looser." - Mcnair2VY

by bigfatdrunk on Dec 15, 2009 9:53 PM CST up reply actions  

Re: Hilarious

You said it. I’m constantly amazed at how this place has grown.

Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...

by Tim on Dec 16, 2009 9:11 AM CST up reply actions  

H/T MDC

for shutting down DGDB&D.

by Jordann on Dec 16, 2009 9:37 AM CST up reply actions  

You should do a nostalgia post

You know… using the archives and archived comments to illustrate how some players have exceeded expectations and other have not. That’d make a good post imo.

by WhiskeyR on Dec 15, 2009 9:55 PM CST up reply actions  

Great Idea, Whiskey

That would be some good reading during the lull of the offseason.

Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...

by Tim on Dec 16, 2009 9:10 AM CST up reply actions  

I read the archives.

During the offseason. This offseason though, it’s gonna be a little rough because im one website short. I guess i’ll just read Peter King’s Adventures inside Favre’s colon.

by Jordann on Dec 16, 2009 9:34 AM CST up reply actions  

I think the highlight of that post

Is where you admitted that you thought Sage should have a shot at being the starting qb.

Proudly supporting the Qatar National Falconry Team since December 6, 2009.

by tehGrindCrusher on Dec 15, 2009 11:29 PM CST up reply actions  

up until the snap of the rosencopter play

there was a rising tide of fans that would have still agreed with that assessment, even after 1.5 years of teh Schaub.

Mount Cody in round 1

by texanphil on Dec 16, 2009 8:49 AM CST up reply actions  

True

Prior to the Schaub deal, I was a big proponent of letting Sage start for a year or two while we looked for a long-term solution at QB.

I was, and shall forever remain, dumb.

Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...

by Tim on Dec 16, 2009 9:09 AM CST up reply actions  

You're Too Kind

I think it’s more like:

Smithiak: 1,894
Tim: -7

Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...

by Tim on Dec 16, 2009 9:46 AM CST up reply actions  

Grossman playing QB for you?

"Because you cant read. Get lost looser." - Mcnair2VY

by bigfatdrunk on Dec 16, 2009 9:49 AM CST up reply actions  

There's not enough Coors Light in this world.

For Tim to choose Grossman as his starting QB.

But then again, there’s not enough Coors Light in this world to get ANYBODY drunk enough to start Grossman.

by Jordann on Dec 16, 2009 9:56 AM CST up reply actions  

There's not enough Coors Light

In one can for me to not vomit when I drink it.

Proudly supporting the Qatar National Falconry Team since December 6, 2009.

by tehGrindCrusher on Dec 16, 2009 12:46 PM CST up reply actions  

But...

Coors Light is the official beer of the Qatar National Falconry Team!

Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...

by Tim on Dec 16, 2009 1:02 PM CST up reply actions  

Coors Light

Good for falcons. Bad for humans.

Proudly supporting the Qatar National Falconry Team since December 6, 2009.

by tehGrindCrusher on Dec 16, 2009 1:28 PM CST up reply actions  

Donte Stallworth

If you’ve already killed someone else, what’s a whole team?

- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter

by riversmccown on Dec 16, 2009 3:12 PM CST up reply actions   1 recs

Bad year for WRs

and vehicles. Just ask Chris Henry.

Yay, sports.

by MDC on Dec 17, 2009 8:52 AM CST up reply actions   2 recs

Full disclosure

I made the joke before I knew he was dead. Not that it would have stopped me or anything, but still.

Hope there are no overly sensitive Bengals fans lurking.

Yay, sports.

by MDC on Dec 17, 2009 9:49 AM CST up reply actions  

Just picked him up in our FF league

Figured with my team deposed and dead it needed a captain.

- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter

by riversmccown on Dec 17, 2009 9:41 AM CST up reply actions  

A dead captain.

Like that guy from Pirates of the Caribbean? He’ll definitely dominate your league.

by Jordann on Dec 17, 2009 10:33 AM CST up reply actions   1 recs

Well I went 4-9

Thank you LDT, Brady, Cooley, and Eddie Royal.

So I can only dominate my league theoretically at this point.

- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter

by riversmccown on Dec 17, 2009 10:47 AM CST up reply actions  

Well,

You know how supposedly in college, when your room mate dies you get all A’s automatically for that semester? Does that apply to this scenario when you have Chris Henry on your roster? Do you automatically win the championship?

Because that would be awesome.

by Jordann on Dec 17, 2009 12:30 PM CST up reply actions  

Has anyone

ever confirmed that urban legend? Because, let’s face it, if your roommate dies in a car wreck two days into the semester, I doubt you’d be too broken up about it and you’d have the most fun semester in the history of the world if you knew you were going to get all As automatically.

My point being: All freshmen should cut their roomies’ break lines at orientation.

Just kidding /legal protection

Yay, sports.

by MDC on Dec 17, 2009 1:14 PM CST up reply actions  

I looked it up. h/t google

Read a couple of articles, all of em saying that it’s false. If it were true, the number of college students every year would be cut in half.

And Chris Henry would still be dead.

by Jordann on Dec 17, 2009 1:31 PM CST up reply actions  

Anyway to make it real?

I know some college kids, and 100% of them need to go.

Bacon tastes good... Pork chops taste good.

by beefy on Dec 17, 2009 2:57 PM CST up reply actions  

Done.

The path to your house should be paved with dead college kids right now.

Make sure you wear your seatbelt. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride home.

by Jordann on Dec 17, 2009 4:14 PM CST up reply actions  

break line

is that like a surfer term?

Mount Cody in round 1

by texanphil on Dec 18, 2009 1:44 PM CST up reply actions  

Ha.

I didn’t even notice the typo. Well played.

Yay, sports.

by MDC on Dec 18, 2009 3:01 PM CST up reply actions  

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