Three And Out: Useless Predictions For Sunday's Game

by Tim on Dec 26, 2009 9:27 PM CST in News

Hope that everyone has had and continues to have a tremendous holiday season. I don't know about you, but a win by your Houston Texans tomorrow in Miami would be a helluva belated Christmas present for me. Without further ado, three (3) things that are sure to happen (read: listed items may not actually happen) when the Dolphins host the Texans:

1. Statistically speaking, Miami's not very good against the pass. They do, however, get after the QB, as seen by the 40 sacks they've tallied so far this season. What's this mean? It means we all should say a quick pre-game orison that Duane Brown is able to play, or Matt Schaub could be in for a tough afternoon. Justified or not, I have faith. D. Brown plays; Schaub still gets popped a handful of times but gets the job done; and Andre Johnson ends his homecoming with 119 yards receiving and not one, but two, touchdowns.

2. Last time the Dolphins and Texans played, Mario Williams had two sacks and forced a fumble. Tomorrow, Super Mario finishes with 1.5 sacks. No forced fumble this time, though. At least not from Mario. Antonio Smith? He's forcing one.

3. Kris Brown will miss another field goal. But it won't cost your Houston Texans the game.

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: After the uneven effort put forth last week in St. Louis, I have no business calling back-to-back road victories for the Texans. And yet, here I am, doing exactly that. Texans 24, Dolphins 23. Keep the faith, misguided as it might be.

Texans vs Dolphins coverage

Tweet Comment 19 comments | 1 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

If you're hoping for Schaub to stay upright

You should probably not want Brown to play, particularly if he is still hurt.

- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter

by riversmccown on Dec 26, 2009 9:42 PM CST reply actions

Re: Duane Brown

I considered that, especially after how bad D. Brown has looked the last couple weeks. I’m simply more terrified of Rashad Butler or Ephraim Salaam protecting Schaub’s blind side for an entire game.

Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...

by Tim on Dec 26, 2009 9:44 PM CST up reply actions

Is Brown still a Texan?

Not feeling it from Brown either and that goes for Duane, Chris and Kris

I suppose if all of the stars, moons and planets align it could be possible, but what are the chances of that?

by Rip Jersey on Dec 26, 2009 10:02 PM CST via mobile reply actions

It's Going To Be Close

Houston wins 17-16

by kozanack on Dec 26, 2009 10:04 PM CST reply actions

Oh, and a +1

For using the word, “orison,” in a sports blog. Instead of reading a sports blog, readers can now make the claim they are working on their vocabulary.

by kozanack on Dec 26, 2009 10:09 PM CST up reply actions

yup, we win

tits already lost, j-e-t-s and jax lose.

And the topper? steelers over ravens.

And the 17th week comes with us having a better than 40% chance of the impossible.

Mount Cody in round 1

by texanphil on Dec 26, 2009 10:20 PM CST reply actions

Go Pats, Chiefs, Steelers, Colts, Eagles!

and go Redskins just because the Cowboys suck.

by goingforthecorner on Dec 26, 2009 10:47 PM CST reply actions 1 recs

Instant Rec

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Dec 27, 2009 8:56 AM CST up reply actions

questions

Hey, what has to happen for us to get in the playoffs? If that’s even possible. Sorry if I’m making people repeat themselves. Thanks and have a happy new year

by JeremyT on Dec 26, 2009 10:57 PM CST reply actions

It's simple.

At bare minimum, the Texans must win and have either a Ravens or Broncos loss. IF the Broncos and Ravens both win then the Texans will be eliminated.

What do we want to happen? We want the following: Pats beat the Jags, Colts beat the Jets, Eagles beat the Broncos, Steelers beat the Ravens. The Chiefs/Bengals game does not matter (since a Ravens loss gives the Bengals the North anyway and would remove the Bengals from this mess). Of course, the Texans over the Dolphins.

The ideal situation puts both wild card spots up for grabs between the Ravens, Broncos, Texans, and Steelers (the Jags could still get in at 8-8 if all things broke right for them). So, that is what has to happen tomorrow. However, it all must begin with a Texans win in Miami.

by TexansDC on Dec 26, 2009 11:09 PM CST up reply actions

How likely is all this?

A) Pats over the Jags. It’s the Pats at home where they are undefeated. The Jags are 2-4 on the road and head up to the wintery north from sunny Florida (although Florida may be wet with Tebow tears for his retiring coach).

B) Colts over the Jets. The Colts are unbeaten everywhere. They’ll play the starters based on how the game unfolds. The Jets offense turns over the ball way too much. The Jets also have only beaten 1 team with a record over .500 (the 1-0 Pats in week 2). If it came down to a duel: Peighton trumps the Hot Dog loving rookie.

C) Eagles over the Broncos. The Eagles are playing as well as any team. When they are at home, the Eagles don’t seem to drop an egg. The Broncos are 2-6 in their last 8 where the losses come to a lot of playoff teams. The Broncos also are becoming used to losing when it matters most (they have played themselves out of it in December each of the past 3 seasons).

D) Steelers over the Ravens. The Steelers don’t seem to die when people think they’re done. They’re 5-2 at home which is where Sunday’s game is. They lost at Baltimore by 3 in OT with a 3rd string QB making his 1st start. The Texans can only hope that with their starting QB at home gives them what they need to win.

E) Texans over Dolphins: The Dolphins and Texans both play lots of close games. The Dolphins are coming in off a tough loss, the Texans on a couple of wins. The Texans have never lost to Miami. For that reason, I’m taking the Texans 27 – Miami 23.

by TexansDC on Dec 26, 2009 11:22 PM CST up reply actions

I just can't shake

the feeling that the Texans have not won a meaningful game this year. Sure, they made the Seattle game a meaningful game to the players “for the coach”, but did it really matter? I have a bad feeling that Schaub spends this game running for his life and we lose 24-14. I pray that I’m dead wrong.

by Big T33 on Dec 27, 2009 7:24 AM CST reply actions

Sadly

I feel this way as well. We haven’t won a meaningful game since our first one. The Phins have, according to FO, the best pass rush in the league. Schaub is mediocre when facing a good pass rush.

I have zero confidence that we can pull this game out.

Proudly supporting the Qatar National Falconry Team since December 6, 2009.

by tehGrindCrusher on Dec 27, 2009 7:44 AM CST up reply actions

Confidence is not only overrated, but also a precursor to crushing disappointment

An unexpected road win with EVERYTHING at stake is far superior to an expected victory. I see a nail biting white knuckler thrill ride very similar to our last visit to Miami. That was an early season 1 point victory. Today will be the day that the Texans can finally say that they won a meaningful game in December. Isn’t that what we all wanted in August? Well that and a playoff berth too, but let’s just take it one step at a time.

TGH – Channel your alter ego Miami-satirist persona and enjoy a Texans rout with a big cigar, a snifter full of brandy, and a South Beach babe on each arm.

It took the Astros 44 years to get to the Series, the Oilers-Texans are due to get to the big dance...Go Texans!!!!!

by oiler-texan diehard on Dec 27, 2009 9:21 AM CST up reply actions

That's all good and well

But here’s what’s really going to happen:

1) Before the game, Gary Kubiak hires Horatio Caine to assassinate Kris Brown. Before H has a chance to do it, however, he smells something funny coming from the Dolphins locker room and busts in only to discover Ricky Williams and Dan Marino smoking a big bowl of Jamaican weed through a six-foot long glass bong. H is about to arrest them when Larry Csonka sneaks up behind him and knocks him out. The three men then proceed to eat two bags of Doritos and a box of Oreos. Williams rushes for 175 yards and one touchdown. When he scores, he pulls a joint out of his sock, autographs it, and hands it to a fan in the crowd.

2) Meanwhile, Kris Brown suspects that Kubes is trying to kill him. He hires two down-and-out former Miami cops, Sonny Crockett and Rico Tubbs, to off Kubes before anything happens to him. They plan on taking Kubes out sport fishing before the game, killing him, and dumping the body overboard. There’s only one problem: Andre Johnson. AJ hears that Crockett and Tubbs are taking Kubiak fishing and invites himself along (who would turn him down?). He then proceeds to dive in the water, catch up to the fish and wrestle them into submission, including one 70 pound marlin. Crockett and Tubbs are so impressed by this that the temporarily forget to kill Kubiak. Back on shore, Matt Schaub has figured the whole plot and informed Miami PD who send Lt Castillo in on a helicopter to rescue Kubes. The helicopter almost crashes when it sees AJ in the water with a dolphin in a hammerlock, trying to throw it onto the deck of the boat. After thinking about it for about five minutes, Kubes decides to give Brown a second chance. Brown repays him by missing a 27 yard field goal, an extra point, and kicking a 15 yard kickoff.

3) Matt Turk pulls up lame in pregame warmups and the Texans are forced to hire Vanilla Ice (who was on the field to rap the national anthem) as his replacement. Ice downs every punt inside the 10 for a 57 yard net. He also racks up several 15-yard Unneccessary Whiteness penalties for being even whiter than Matt Schaub. David Anderson, jealous of Ice’s hair and punting ability, hires Horatio Caine (whom he rescued from the Miami locker room after Csonka in a fit of munchies started trying to eat him) to kill Ice. Ice gets away before the jacker jacks, however.

Texans win, 42-24.

Proudly supporting the Qatar National Falconry Team since December 6, 2009.

by tehGrindCrusher on Dec 27, 2009 7:42 AM CST reply actions 3 recs