FanPost

Introducing "Sean Connery Makes A Gang Rape Joke"


I started watching the game today. But then I stopped. Because it was making me sad. So I turned the channel to a showing of Nic Cage's The Rock on Encore. It was way better. I hadn't seen that movie in, like, at least ten years. Some notes:

  • Prior to the game, the wife and I took my 3-year-old sons to this pumpkin patch at a nature center down the street from my house. As part of the celebration, they were offering horse-drawn wagon rides for $3 a piece. One of the horses pulling one of the wagons had a massive cock. When I saw it, the first thing I thought was, “Man, I hope Arian Foster has a good game today.” I figured it was a sign from God (if I were God, I would only ever deliver holy miracles and messages through big cock imagery; the Book of Genesis would've been a lot more interesting, that's for certain). It appears I was incorrect. Or maybe it was a sign (we're about to get totally effed), only I interpreted it wrong. I don't know. Either way, I think the moral here is clear: Never look a gift horse cock in the mouth. Or something.  

  • Did you know the black guy from Candyman is in The Rock? Yup, he's one of Ed Harris's main bizarro-marines. So is Dr. Cox from Scrubs. And that Mexican from Training Day that talks about getting his poo pushed in. How did Ed Harris really expect for that mission to turn out well with those guys on his team?

  • When Sean Connery first leads the good-guy marines (who eventually get slaughtered, which is a bit of bizarre commentary) through the tunnels of Alcatraz, he makes a gang rape joke. His accent makes it sound surprisingly regal. I was too young to appreciate the complexity of that situation when I saw this movie the first time.

  • I flipped back to the game for a minute right around the midway point of the second quarter. I think the score was 94-0. I'm not certain. I was too busy crying to really get a good look at it.

  • In the brief time watching the game, I did notice that Cushing was back. How are we supposed to feel about this? Am I to act like I don't know that he's still juiced up? Am I to accept him back because he served his sentence? Can things ever be not weird? In high school I got caught cheating on my then-girlfriend. She was pissed at me for a few weeks, but eventually took me back. She'd say things were okay, but it seemed pretty obvious that she still actively hated me. It was horrible. I convinced her to let me cum on her chest, and then I summarily broke up with her the following day. I know one thing: I'm sure as shit not letting Brian Cushing cum on my chest.

  • I feel like maybe every movie should feature a bookish counter-hero cast into the role of awkward action hero. It's always never not funny. You can't tell me Maid In Manhattan wouldn't have been better if there was a guy in it who didn't know how to work a gun but was suddenly thrust into a situation where he not only needed to use one, but needed to use it with stunning accuracy so as to not have a room full of hostages die.

Ack. If we lose to the Chiefs, I swear to I will cut off my pinky. That is a fact*.

 

Please, God, send me a sign that the Texans will still make the playoffs. Please. Please send me a cock-themed sign. Thank you.

 

*Not a fact.

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