FanPost

Introducing the "(maybe) Seven Pounds game"

 

Ack. What an awful-then-wonderful game that was (I feel like I should maybe make some kind of comparison between it and Seven Pounds, that Will Smith movie that supersucked for the first hour and 45 minutes then was good the last fifteen, but I didn't pay close enough attention to know that that's actually how it played out; sorry). I wrote two recaps; one that started at the beginning of the game and one that started with 0:28 seconds left in the fourth quarter. The first: 

  • When the Texans got the ball back at the end of the first quarter (with them trailing, naturally), that one mouthy, excitable commentator dramatically remarked, “And here comes Matt Schaub.” I suppose it was a statement meant to foster a sense of tension, but at this point it’s about as fierce as saying, “And here comes a bowl of marshmallows.”
  • Hey, coach. It’s 3rd and 2. What do you want to run? Let’s go with a curl route for Andre Johnson. Ummm, you know we have the league’s leading rusher, right? We do? Hmmm. Fuck it, I already called the play in. Let's see what happens. 
  • Hey, coach. It’s 3rd and 22. What do you want to run? Let’s go with 35 dive, with Leech at the two and Foster at the three. Ummm, you know we have the best wide receiver in the league, right? We do? Fuck it, I already called the play in. Let's see what happens.
  • The one good thing about watching the Texans bumble these games away: Gary Kubiak’s squinty-eyed, frumpled-brow “This HAS To Be The Game That Gets Me Fired” face. He officially broke it out last season before quietly tucking it away when they went on that end-of-season run last year, but it’s been showing up more and more frequently since Week 3 of this season. It's my second-favorite face of the new season, losing only to Tony Romo's perpetual, "Hey, Hey, Coach Just Called A Fly Route, Right? Cool. Umm, What's A Fly Route?" face.
  • My wife, as she is occasionally wont to do, watched, maybe, three minutes of the game (it was the second quarter and the Texans were down 14-7, but had just gotten the ball back). On their first play, someone broke threw and got a sack on Schaub. My wife, naturally, went to here default question: "Why'd they let him do that?" Now, normally, this is where I'd lose my shit; she loves asking this question, as though an offensive lineman would allow someone to break through the O-line or a point guard would allow someone to knock the ball from his hands or a shortstop would allow the ball to squirt out of his glove on a routine ground ball. But when she said it this time, after watching Kubiak call curious play after curious play these past few weeks, I honestly thought to myself, "Why would they let him do that?" Fuckin' Kubes is scrambling my man-brain, man.
  • 167: That's the number of obscenities I shouted at the TV that Bryan would've chastised me for. It's also the number of times I've pictured Arian Foster's dong doing something amazing like climbing a mountain or making jerky or shooting a bow and arrow. More importantly though, it's also the number of points the Texans have given up this season.

Notes from the review that I wrote at the 0:28 mark of the fourth quarter:

  • YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

P.S. If you don't think I had a boner when I realized that the pass Schaub lofted towards the end zone was headed for Andre Johnson's hands, then I don't know what. We're talking diamond-hard, folks. I'm actually typing out this post script with it.  

 

P.P.S. After Schaub scrambled around and then threw the game-winning touchdown, the non-mouthy, unexcitable commentator remarked, “Great teams, great players, do things you can’t coach.” I’m almost certain that this is Kubiak’s coaching philosophy.

 

 

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