Battle Red Onion: Romo Injured with Broken Clavicle, City of Dallas Calls for National Day of Mourning.

October 26, 2010

Dallas, Oklahoma

The grand delusion has finally ended in Dallas.  It ended in a symphony of high-pitched wailing and gnashing of teeth that could be heard from as far away as Houston in neighboring Texas when starting Cowgirls quarterback Tony Romo injured his clavicle, keeping him out for 8-10 weeks.  The delusion had a powerful grip on these long-suffering fans.

When injured, fans insisted that their quarterback would be okay because Jerrah Jones, owner of the Cowgirls, had Patrick Willis flying in to see if he could cure his prized quarterback's shoulder.  Willis, who flew in without the aid of an airplane, read through an entire medical textbook in 15 seconds and inspected Romo's clavicle.  After extensive review, Willis made his way to the middle of Jerrah-world and made his grim announcement to the fans in the stands.

At first, the stadium went silent.  This reporter is unsure if that was because Patrick Willis, bathed in his holy light, was the one giving them the news, or if it was because of the nature of the information he gave.  When it finally sank in, Cowgirls head coach Wade Philips let out a loud, girlish shriek.  The fans in the stadium soon followed suit, some of whom did not immediately jump to their deaths from the announcement.  Fortunately, Patrick Willis flew around the stadium saving fans from plummeting to their doom.

Former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback and current Monday Night Football talking head Ron Jaworski was seen to be openly weeping after hearing about the Cowgirls' recent bad news.  "Why can't Dallas ever catch a break?" he howled to nobody in particular.  Jon Gruden clutched a piece of paper in his hand with the words "recent coaching experience" printed on it, and ESPN management walked onto the Monday Night Countdown set and repeatedly bitch-slapped Chris Berman; whether this was related to the Cowgirls' situation or not is, at this time, still unclear.

The following morning, the City of Dallas and the Oklahoma state government demanded that Jerrah-world be declared a federal disaster area entitled to disaster relief aid.  The federal government has yet to respond to these demands.  Dallas mayor Tom Leppert has also requested that today be declared a national day of mourning.  "Well, the Cowboys are 'America's Team(tm),' I think America needs a chance to grieve when its team goes into the crapper like it did last night."  Mayor Leppert also put in a call to Matt Groening, creator of Futurama, asking if he could have several dozen suicide booths delivered to Dealey Plaza.  When Groening informed Mayor Leppert that such booths do not exist in reality, Leppert replied sharply, "It's because you hate the Cowboys, don't you?"

Fan attitudes have also tumbled because of last night's game.  According to one fan, "Our season is over, we're going 1-15; and Jerrah's gonna take Mark Ingram with our first pick!  We don't need another running back, Jerrah!"  It was painfully obvious, that fan was holding back his tears as he said it.  "We suck," exclaimed another, "who will we feel superior to now?"  "We were going to the Super Bowl in our own backyard," whined another fan, wearing a black band around his left shoulder, "the media said so!  They're never wrong!  They can't be!  They always kiss our backsides so they must not be wrong, right?!"  It was then that he slumped to the ground and bawled his eyes out.

The official Dallas Cowgirls bandwagon, apparently there is a physical bandwagon, parked just outside of Jerrah-world, was virtually empty, save for a handful of passed out Cowgirl fans and a sheep with the words "Property of Tony Romo" dyed into its wool.  After waking the understandably angry and hung-over fans, hoping for a quote, they threw numerous empty tequila and moonshine bootles at this reporter to get him to leave.  The sheep, with a very relieved look on his face, also declined to comment.

Preparations are being made for a memorial service for the Cowgirls' season at Jerrah-world later in the week.  The first 50,000 people to attend will receive free black shoulder bands and a personal bottle of cyanide.  "Only the best for my fans," said Jerrah Jones, sporting a black band on his left shoulder.