Three And Out: Useless Predictions For Sunday's Game
by Tim on Oct 8, 2010 3:01 PM CDT
in News
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PrintIt's Friday afternoon, so you know what that means...time for another edition of "Throw A Bunch Of Crap Against The Wall And See What Sticks" "Three And Out." I don't mind telling you that the possibility of Mario Williams not playing wreaks havoc with what would have been rock solid, stone cold, indisputably accurate (note: adjectives may not apply) predictions. With Super Mario himself labeling the groin injury as "a little boo-boo," I'm going to make these predictions under the assumption that he's going to play on Sunday. If he doesn't play, may God have mercy on our souls discount these prognostications accordingly. My psychic gift reveals itself in the form of three (3) predictions, and a declaration of the final score, after the jump.
1. Arian Foster continues his campaign for deification with a 23 carry/111 yard, 3 catch/31 yard, 2 TD effort. Tragically, he will also momentarily channel Steve Slaton, circa 2009, and fumble once. Foster escapes blame for the mishap, and we all criticize Slaton for Foster's fumble, because (1) we're conditioned to think all Texans fumbles are the product of Steve Slaton and (2) we won't dare risk alienating Arian Foster, for he is the bringer of life and/or offensive balance.
2. Brian Cushing's final line: 9 tackles, 1 sack, 1 fumble forced. And approximately 70,000 stained undergarments when he lights up his first Giant. I just hope we don't see Cushing running around the parking lots doing this before kickoff:
3. The Texans defense follows up the first two interceptions of the season with another one. This time, it's courtesy of Kareem Jackson, and it's in the fourth quarter. Go with me on this one. I know all your fancy modern tools, like "your eyes" and "common sense," dictate this cannot possibly happen. But it shall, or my name isn't Scott.
PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: The thought of playing this game without Andre Johnson, Mario Williams, and (to a far lesser extent) Jacoby Jones does not engender confidence. And yet, I fear not, for I believe that Brian Cushing will spontaneously combust, turning into a ball of white hot energy that will consume everyone on the opposing sideline, if that's what needs to happen for the Texans to win in his return. Giants 23, Texans 28.
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First?
On a completely unrelated note… what do you guys think of us trading for Merriman, or signing him if he’s cut?
I dunno if the money is there but
the idea of a Cushing, Ryans, and Merriman LB corps makes me feel all tingly.
Houston Texans...forcing me to question my sanity and endangering my marriage since 2002.
by UprootedTexan on Oct 8, 2010 3:19 PM CDT up reply actions
No
I think it is a terrible, terrible idea. Merriman is not the kind of person/player that Smithiak want on their team.
A Texas Wannabe, born and raised in New Zealand. Currently located 7539 miles South west of Houston.
by distant_texans_fan on Oct 8, 2010 3:20 PM CDT up reply actions
fuck merriman
he sucks and is a huge douchebag asshole cunt. So no.
"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something." -Robert Heinlein
http://www.accessorizeyourvehicle.com/
by nolander on Oct 8, 2010 3:24 PM CDT up reply actions 5 recs
Plus
He’s a 3-4 LB, not a 4-3.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
concur
Because you’re right on both counts.
Bacon tastes good... Pork chops taste good.
by beefy on Oct 8, 2010 3:31 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
Welcome to BRB
Nice to have a new reader, beefy.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
Did anyone else picture Andy and Red reuniting at the end of Shawshank?
by MadMartygan on Oct 8, 2010 5:03 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions 3 recs
Dear Beefy
If you’re reading this, you’ve gotten out. And if you’ve come this far, maybe you’re willing to come a little further.
XOXO,
BFD
I would rec that comment a billion times if I could.
Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...
by Tim on Oct 8, 2010 10:09 PM CDT up reply actions 5 recs
Hell
I forgot to mention how stupid he was, and how stupid his tattoo and sack dance are. He dances around flicking the “lightswitch” tatoo on his forearm. THATS RETARDED.
"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something." -Robert Heinlein
http://www.accessorizeyourvehicle.com/
Why get Merriman when you've got this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1AE1j295dE
I, amongst many other of the core contributors at Battle Red Blog, are officially boycotting the site due to the deplorable "leadership" of head blogger Tim. We ask, but do not expect, support, from you, our fellow fans, regardless of your team affiliation. Were doing this because Tim tried to touch us all in inappropriate ways and didn't even offer to buy us dinner. Tim needs to be taught that NO means NO. To show your support you may email dhalprin123@gmail.com at SBNation and respectfully ask for the removal of Tim as head blogger of Battle Red Blog. Thank You. Also, we ask that BFD work on his hygiene.
by Salad on Oct 8, 2010 4:24 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
did you see
that squat? He has the bar bending plus heavy ass chains hangin on that thing. Dude is a beast, a small part of me feels sorry for Eli Manning.
wasn't there a certain Texans blogger that claimed he squatted more than Cush when we drafted him?
"Well, at least our players kept their helmets on, so that showed some intelligence"-Bob McNair
by papabear on Oct 8, 2010 7:24 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
At the time, based on what was reported
it was true.
Ain’t true no mo’.
"MDC: Droppin' knowledge like a librarian with Parkinson's." --Jonathan Loesche
"He tells me he’s playing, he’s playing." --Gary Kubiak, on Andre Johnson
Nothing like some 80s Jean Claude Van Damme montage music to stoke the fire!!!!!
"When's the last time your mother went fast?" DA
Actually that's some Rocky 4 music
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.
by The Night Owl on Oct 9, 2010 12:35 AM CDT up reply actions
And he's a roid monkey.
Oh, wait…
I'll eliminate you like I eliminate gluten from my diet.
www.battleredblog.com
by tehGrindCrusher on Oct 9, 2010 12:46 PM CDT up reply actions 2 recs
My 1 in a billion prediction
In the first defensive play….
encroachment Cushing
Oops he can’t stop, he just hit ELI full force.
ELI is out the game with injury.
Cushing fined after the game with possible suspension.
didn't Jack Lambert
Do this once? Against the Dolphins maybe?
by mckraut on Oct 8, 2010 10:14 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
Honestly...
I agree with those predictions. Well, I think the score will be a little bit higher, but bottom line: Cushing’s return + Home crowd = Emotional boost to this team that leads to a (narrow) win.
"Lord, beer me strength."
It'll be a big test
but I think we can do it.
"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something." -Robert Heinlein
http://www.accessorizeyourvehicle.com/
I heard on the radio that EUGENE WILSON will likely start since he is feeling better.
Guess I will go ahead and take my sister-in-law up on those Dora the Explorer on ice tickets for Sunday….
"An open mind is like a fortress with it's gates unbarred and unguarded."
What happens when an unstoppable force meets three defensive players? THIS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpWqMqrZwTU
AYFKM???
That’s….if he’s in more than one play, I’ll personally drive to Houston and yank EWWWW out of the stadium.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
Kubes said he's splitting....
I hope it’s the same split Barber saw last week.
Still, I’ve no idea how Kubes can justify this. It’s one of his dumbest moves yet.
"Lord, beer me strength."
Well, Wilson is a proven veteran
He’s proven to suck.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
by bigfatdrunk on Oct 8, 2010 5:06 PM CDT up reply actions 6 recs
Proof's in the pudding.
E. Wilson 85 games. 14 ints.
T. Nolan 1 game. 2 ints.
Never bring a BB gun to a lightsaber fight.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rkm0fut8C30
I think you'll have issues with a small sample size
But it is a great start for Nolan.
A Texas Wannabe, born and raised in New Zealand. Currently located 7539 miles South west of Houston.
by distant_texans_fan on Oct 8, 2010 11:41 PM CDT up reply actions
What you're really saying is
Nolan is on pace for 170 INT in 85 games, right?
"Each in turn... volunteered his suggestions, his invaluable suggestions."
Twitter - xiane1
The Dreamshake
by Xiane on Oct 9, 2010 2:39 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Can't argue with stats.
They’re on the internet, so they must be true, right?!?
Just your average, run of the mill hardcore casual Texans fan.
by Autra on Oct 9, 2010 1:43 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
and we have the sourcez!!11
Feeling the five stages of grief since 2002.
by NoSafetiesNeeded on Oct 9, 2010 8:16 PM CDT up reply actions
And THIS....
ladies and gentlemen is why I continue to say the Texans will be lucky to make it to the playoffs and definitely never the SB as long as this coaching staff is here. They continue to make dumbass, boneheaded decisions like this based on…..WHAT?!
Are we missing something in the game films? Is the coaching staff seeing things from EWWWW that make him a starter over Nolan? I just don’t understand it sometimes.
No Nolan wasn’t great, but even I could see he was a fucking improvement over EWWWWW! I personally saw (well through the TV) two interceptions that EWWWW dropped that I could have caught.
Just my $.02
Even duct tape can't fix stupid
I'm gonna add fuel to TK's fire here....
During Nick Scurfield’s last chat he said the coach’s feel that SHIZ -EWWWWWWWWWW is a 6-8 INT player.
His career-high? 4 INTs during his 1st 2 seasons in the league.
"Lord, beer me strength."
Maybe they're already adjusting things for the 18 game season.
Or maybe they don’t know shit about defense.
- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter | SB Nation Houston | Battle Red Blog
To put water on the fire...
DisplacedTexan said that, according to the Texans newsletter thingy, Nolan is starting.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
Though...
Now that I look, I don’t see it.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
update
After Troy Nolan intercepted two passes at Oakland in place of the injured Eugene Wilson(hamstring), Kubiak was asked a question that has been on the mind of many a Texans fan this week:
Will Nolan start against the Giants?
"Eugene has been fine throughout the week," Kubiak said. "We’re going to play them both. Who starts probably doesn’t matter. They’re going to both play."
"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something." -Robert Heinlein
http://www.accessorizeyourvehicle.com/
I saw that quote first
and didn’t understand all the angst here about Kubiak’s “worst decision ever.”
"I'm trying to get a feel for Booty" - GK
It's probably not his worst decision ever.
But the upside of playing Eugene Wilson is what? I honestly can’t think of one. Raising the average age of the defense?
- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter | SB Nation Houston | Battle Red Blog
He obviously has Eli starting in fantasy
or he’s not throwing his players under the bus, and wants to see if Nolan is a better long term option and not over-reacting to one good game.
Either one.
"I'm trying to get a feel for Booty" - GK
Veteran leadership.
He’s led us to losses before, and with his veteran moxie and savvy and cumquats he will do it again.
"Each in turn... volunteered his suggestions, his invaluable suggestions."
Twitter - xiane1
The Dreamshake
Upside....
It strengthens team morale as an example that even a player who has played poorly so far this season doesn’t automatically lose his job due to injury. I’d imagine if he plays poorly against the Giants, Nolan will see the field early and if he plays well he’ll stay on the field and take over the starting job.
It keeps Wilson’s spirits up knowing that the coaching staff hasn’t completely given up on him, which could come in handy if Nolan proves last week’s performance to be an exception to sucky play.
by Bryan72076 on Oct 9, 2010 7:12 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
The new Madden ratings just came out...
Eugene Wilson now has a 94 in getting beat, a 96 in choking, and an incredible 113 in the “sucking dick for fun” category.
"How bout that ride in. I guess that's why they call it sin city."
I only caught the end of the conversation so I don't know if they were speculating or confirming.....but it had a confirming feel to it.
"An open mind is like a fortress with it's gates unbarred and unguarded."
What happens when an unstoppable force meets three defensive players? THIS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpWqMqrZwTU
I'm going to pick an ugly, ugly game, but the Texans prevail 20-16
So that is 2 TD + 2 FG vs 1 TD + 3 FG. So we win, but it will not be a pretty display. It does mean that we only give up one TD to Eli, but he’ll get a lot of yards and be stopped in the Redzone twice.
A Texas Wannabe, born and raised in New Zealand. Currently located 7539 miles South west of Houston.
by distant_texans_fan on Oct 8, 2010 5:12 PM CDT reply actions
So if Darrell Revis has Revis Island...
…would that make Eugene Wilson have Gilligan’s Island?
by SubCrim on Oct 8, 2010 5:16 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
That wasn't even remotely funny....
I’m sorry
by Michael S. on Oct 8, 2010 5:24 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
I cried
"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something." -Robert Heinlein
http://www.accessorizeyourvehicle.com/
The other thing crippling us? Everyone on AFC Playbook picked us....we're doomed.
"An open mind is like a fortress with it's gates unbarred and unguarded."
What happens when an unstoppable force meets three defensive players? THIS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpWqMqrZwTU
I saw that too
An definite kiss of death. :(
A Texas Wannabe, born and raised in New Zealand. Currently located 7539 miles South west of Houston.
by distant_texans_fan on Oct 8, 2010 6:30 PM CDT up reply actions
I'm predicting an easy win.
You heard it here first. No contest. They’re in for a rude awakening. Especially if their offense plays like last week (which looked like Mittens era Texans).
by WhiskeyR on Oct 8, 2010 5:50 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
That's pretty cocky
what if your offense plays like vs the cowboys?
Not saying it will but what if it does?
All you hear about is the past, the past... the past is the !@#$ing past, this is the present.
THIS IS TEMPORARY! A CHAMPIONSHIP IS PERMANENT
-Michael Strahan
WHAT IF A METEOR HITS RELIANT AND ONLY BRIAN CUSHING SURVIVES!?
Not saying one will, but what if it does?
Texans fan.
by ChrisZ on Oct 8, 2010 9:26 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Seriously
No doubt on who is the better team. Some people over there are predicting 12-4. Wow. The Giants will be luck to go 8-8 …. a weak team who will be exposed this week.
No doubt?
I understand why you think you’re team is better, and you probably understand why I think my team is better, but there’s no “no doubt” on who is better.
Not until it hits all 0’s tomorrow
All you hear about is the past, the past... the past is the !@#$ing past, this is the present.
THIS IS TEMPORARY! A CHAMPIONSHIP IS PERMANENT
-Michael Strahan
What if
The Giants played like they did vs the Colts, who the Texans spanked in week 1?
I think if both teams play well it’ll be close, if one or the other plays poorly as they’ve both shown they’re capable of this season then it could be a blowout.
Brilliant deduction my dear Watson!
Wherever did you come up with that?
Just grilling ya man.
We should strive to live like the moon. Vibrant, not as our own light, but as the carriers of something greater than us. - Arian Foster
That's the point I was trying to make
All you hear about is the past, the past... the past is the !@#$ing past, this is the present.
THIS IS TEMPORARY! A CHAMPIONSHIP IS PERMANENT
-Michael Strahan
Interestingly
If you go to the Youtube page with that video, the most recced comment is “hey look, it’s Brian Cushing”.
I guess everyone is enjoying my nickname of ewwww
It was the only thing that’s fits, because when he fucks up I dont say fuck or shit or cock fondling ass munched. I just say ewwww
I never hope for injuries, but…..
by AllenOU on Oct 8, 2010 9:03 PM CDT via mobile reply actions
I'm with you
I just hope for something that’ll keep him off the field…may he tweak his hamstring during warm-ups or something.
"Lord, beer me strength."
Exactly
Nothing horrid. Bruised ego. Loose tooth. Anal fizzures.
Only thing about Nolan is he is slow, but not as slow as ewwww. That can’t be possible!
by AllenOU on Oct 8, 2010 9:25 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
They gave Nolan a speed boost on Madden in the last update
They have him at 87, SHZ is at 85
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.
by The Night Owl on Oct 9, 2010 12:42 AM CDT up reply actions
& upgraded him to B Potential
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.
by The Night Owl on Oct 9, 2010 7:47 PM CDT up reply actions
Manhandle....
If you have a pass rush and you press Eli… Hit him on each play… He will buckle just like David Carr. Rosenfels may play and we can have Rosencopter v.2!!!!!
Doin stuff so nasty that you have to do it twice to confirm the level of nasty!!
Just the sight of Rosefels...
makes me cringe!
by forloveofthegam3 on Oct 9, 2010 12:20 AM CDT up reply actions
What about the possible sight of Rosenfels getting Rosencoptered by Ryans, Cushing, & Pollard?
That would be priceless, & bring tears of joy to the eyes of many Texans fans
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.
by The Night Owl on Oct 9, 2010 12:44 AM CDT up reply actions
Manning
Has also shown that he’s capable of being a very accurate QB at times and we have one of the worst secondaries in the league… The opportunity is there for the Giants to exploit our weaknesses on defense, it’s just a matter of whether our pass rush can keep Eli under fire often enough for him to make drive killing mistakes, otherwise we’re probably going to give up another 300-400 yards through the air.
Tim
I looked back at this year’s three and out predictions, and you are 5 up, 7 down so far, by my count.
Pretty close to 50/50, but since you make three predictions, I can only put faith in 1/3 on a weekly basis.
I’m going with #2. Cushing was a keeper for me in fantasy, and I’m starting him this weekend. I was skeptical going into last year, but I’m convinced.
I think he’ll be the difference in the game, and greatly improve our defense. Our offense is in good hands with Kubiak.
We win 35-10.
"I'm trying to get a feel for Booty" - GK
My predictions:
Arian Foster- 18 carries for 82 yards; 4 catches for 50 yards and a TD.
Schauby- 219 yards, 2 TDs, 2 picks, sacked 7 times.
Brice McCain picks off Eli Manning once.
Bernard Pollard knocks the shit out of Ahmad Bradshaw and forces a fumble, recovered by the Giants though.
Troy Nolan misses an assignment, gives up a big play.
Put your name on it prediction:
Osi has 4 sacks this game.
Texans lose 31-20
"You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I'm the best-looking guy in the world and I might be right."- Charles Barkley
schauv sacked 7 time????
Wow. You must think a lot of the Bears O-Line. the absolute worst case scenario is 3 sacks.
Nah I don't think the Bears O-line is good.
I just think our O-linemen have bad match ups across the board, especially Osi vs Rashad. Canty and Cofield are above average pass rushers inside and Tuck is one of the best in the business. Call it bold, but I’m sticking to it.
"You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I'm the best-looking guy in the world and I might be right."- Charles Barkley
by bone31crusher on Oct 10, 2010 1:26 AM CDT up reply actions
Besides last week's game vs the Bears
The Giants had 6 sacks in 3 games giving up 170 yards passing and 137 yards rushing and allowing 28 points a game… Their only wins this season have been against one dimensional offenses where they could just concentrate on stuffing the run against the Panthers or rushing the passer against the Bears.
Against the AFC south two games this season, the Giants have two losses and given up 34 points while scoring just 12 points a game.
38 The number of points the Texans Score
Houston 38 – NY 13 (their one TD in 4th quarter)
Yes, I believe that NY just cannot play against a balanced team.
Foster gets 160 yds 2 rushing TDs
teh Shaub remembers who Walter is this week He gets 100+ a TD
Adndre Johnson plays – which means a TD and 87 yds
The Coke Machine gets a TD pass too (It has to happen sooner or later)
Rackers gets a field goal at end of 1st half
"I want you guys to pair up in groups of three and then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson former Oilers Coach
Not that I don't like your predictions or anything...
but I sure wish I had the same flavor kool-aid that you drink
Just your average, run of the mill hardcore casual Texans fan.
Just Add Vodka
Makes it go down easier
"I want you guys to pair up in groups of three and then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson former Oilers Coach
by Barryfromtexas on Oct 9, 2010 2:02 PM CDT up reply actions
Which one, UV Blue or Red?
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.
by The Night Owl on Oct 9, 2010 7:48 PM CDT up reply actions
I dunno who said it before
But the Texans opponents are only allowed to score either 24 or 27 points in a game.
That was I...
I heard Brian Cushing like to do it with girls in a really uncomfortable place and i am not talking about the back seat of a Volkswagen
Go Texans!
I will go out on a limb
Jesse Nading will have a break out game. Not so much because of himself – but because of the havoc of Cushing. I have noticed that Nading is Mr. Hustle. He is in the backfield rushing the quarterback and is in on the tackle to the guy that catches a pass down field. He hustles as much as anyone I have seen, this plus the addition of Cushing – just watch – his name will be called for positive reasons this week!
"I want you guys to pair up in groups of three and then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson former Oilers Coach
I don't think
Nading is getting much playing time going forward, with Ulele and Anderson.
"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something." -Robert Heinlein
http://www.accessorizeyourvehicle.com/
That Could Be
But he has wound up on the field with 2 other DE’s at the same time
"I want you guys to pair up in groups of three and then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson former Oilers Coach
by Barryfromtexas on Oct 9, 2010 5:13 PM CDT up reply actions
Im only going to make one prediction.
And im 100% that it’s going to come true.
I’ll be drunk on Shiner Bock by 5pm.
"Eff you mothereffer!"
-Bernard Pollard-
Grenwich Mean Time???
Cuz i’m with you on that…
I heard Brian Cushing like to do it with girls in a really uncomfortable place and i am not talking about the back seat of a Volkswagen
Go Texans!
I live in the mountains
it hits 90 for maybe 2 weeks. The problem is winter where it snows and freezes my balls off. Lol
I heard Brian Cushing like to do it with girls in a really uncomfortable place and i am not talking about the back seat of a Volkswagen
Go Texans!
Interesting Factoid
Arian Foster became the THIRD BACK EVER to have 500+ yds rushing and 100+ yds Receiving through 4 games… wow!
I heard Brian Cushing like to do it with girls in a really uncomfortable place and i am not talking about the back seat of a Volkswagen
Go Texans!
first 4 games?
or any 4 games? Is CJ on that list?
"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something." -Robert Heinlein
http://www.accessorizeyourvehicle.com/
nope
bell (i think) and emmit smith..
I heard Brian Cushing like to do it with girls in a really uncomfortable place and i am not talking about the back seat of a Volkswagen
Go Texans!
and it might be four games
I heard Brian Cushing like to do it with girls in a really uncomfortable place and i am not talking about the back seat of a Volkswagen
Go Texans!
Cushing Penalties
Over/Under for penalties on Cushing for unnecessary roughness, roughing the passer, beheading the ball carrier, etc. is 1.5.
I’ve got over.
My dream Super Bowl XLV: Houston 52, Dallas 3.
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