It's Friday afternoon, so you know what that means...time for another edition of
"Throw A Bunch Of Crap Against The Wall And See What Sticks" "Three And Out." I don't mind telling you that the possibility of Mario Williams not playing wreaks havoc with what would have been rock solid, stone cold, indisputably accurate (note: adjectives may not apply) predictions. With Super Mario himself labeling the groin injury as "a little boo-boo," I'm going to make these predictions under the assumption that he's going to play on Sunday. If he doesn't play, may God have mercy on our souls discount these prognostications accordingly. My psychic gift reveals itself in the form of three (3) predictions, and a declaration of the final score, after the jump.
1. Arian Foster continues his campaign for deification with a 23 carry/111 yard, 3 catch/31 yard, 2 TD effort. Tragically, he will also momentarily channel Steve Slaton, circa 2009, and fumble once. Foster escapes blame for the mishap, and we all criticize Slaton for Foster's fumble, because (1) we're conditioned to think all Texans fumbles are the product of Steve Slaton and (2) we won't dare risk alienating Arian Foster, for he is the bringer of life and/or offensive balance.
2. Brian Cushing's final line: 9 tackles, 1 sack, 1 fumble forced. And approximately 70,000 stained undergarments when he lights up his first Giant. I just hope we don't see Cushing running around the parking lots doing this before kickoff:
3. The Texans defense follows up the first two interceptions of the season with another one. This time, it's courtesy of Kareem Jackson, and it's in the fourth quarter. Go with me on this one. I know all your fancy modern tools, like "your eyes" and "common sense," dictate this cannot possibly happen. But it shall, or my name isn't Scott.
PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: The thought of playing this game without Andre Johnson, Mario Williams, and (to a far lesser extent) Jacoby Jones does not engender confidence. And yet, I fear not, for I believe that Brian Cushing will spontaneously combust, turning into a ball of white hot energy that will consume everyone on the opposing sideline, if that's what needs to happen for the Texans to win in his return. Giants 23, Texans 28.