Battle Red Onion: Because Kareem Jackson Will Fall Down
November 14, 2010
Washington, D.C.(Editor's Note: Any perception of bias on either side of the political spectrum is completely unintentional and should not be seen as a reflection of my personal political views. Also, I like corn on the cob.)
In an attempt to appease Republicans after their electoral sucess earlier in the month, the President has nominated, in a surprising move, Houston Texans "Defensive" Coordinator Frank Bush as Secretary of Defense.
"According to our polling," said the White House Chief of Staff, whose name this reporter can not think of at this time, "voters want people from non-political backgrounds to shake things up here in Washington. We figured this would be as non-political an appointee as they come."
The national media generally viewed the nomination with equal parts confusion and disdain. The only media outlet that seemed to be 100% in favor of Bush's nomination is the "Battle Red Blog," a part of SB Nation. In fact, the news brought a sense of jubilation that had not been seen from members of this blog since its inception. "He's not our problem, anymore!" declard bigfatdrunk, one of the authors of the blog. "He's gone. He's finally gone! Thank you, Durga!" exclaimed Mike Kerns, a manager at that blog. Fellow author TexansDC simply broke down and cried tears of unmitigated joy.
When asked what kind of experience he brings to the table for such a lofty position, Secretary Bush laughed heartily and stated, "Well, I was a defensive coordinator, with experience in coaching all aspects of a defensive team. So I have a defensive mindset that would be good for the position." When told that the Secretary of Defense is also responsible for the successful completion of wars and approving strategies for attacking the enemy's defense, Secretary Bush had a blank stare on his face and said, "Seriously?"
Secretary Bush also announced he plans to cut military spending. "Sometimes, scaling back is the best way," was the Secretary's rationale. He also intends to spend less time recruiting new soldiers to fight in Afghanistan and Iraq. "There is no quick fix -- no magic elixir, we like to say -- to bring in some new people and all of a sudden we're that much better. Right now, the guys we have are the guys we have to go with," Secretary Bush said.
Though the pick of Frank Bush as Defense Secretary was intended to shake things up, the way he plans to conduct the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan appears to be remain the same as his predecessor, Secretary Robert Gates. "The philosophy doesn't change," stated Secretary Bush.
Special correspondent Spanky Carmichael, during his investigation, discovered several of Bush's attack plans for the wars. These plans included stationing troops 10 or more miles away from likely insurgent locations and making surprise raids on Taliban strongholds so patently obvious that anyone could see them coming from miles away. "We scaled back the strategy a little bit this year, but that part doesn't bother me so much," was Secretary Bush's response.
Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated, "We look forward to seeing what kind of impact Secretary Bush's unique style will have on the successful completion of these conflicts."