Defensive Meltdown Watch 2010
by bigfatdrunk on Nov 16, 2010 5:00 PM CST
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Building from the original post, I'll update the awesomenessestestism of our defense on a weekly basis as we fight to become the worst defense in the history of the NFL^. Now, take two steps left and join me after the jump. *click* Oh, right, the painters moved my desk.
Ladies, gentlemen, and Jordann, it just doesn't get any better than this. Your Houston Texans are #1! In crappy defenses. Here's an updated list, sorted by FootballOutsiders' DVOA, of the worst defenses in their database (negative numbers are better):
| Team | Year | DVOA |
| JUGGERNAUT | 2010 | 31.0% |
| DET | 2008 | 29.2% |
| DEN | 2008 | 24.7% |
| MIN | 2000 | 24.4% |
| BUF | 2010 | 23.8% |
Those cheating cheaters in Buffalo were able to squelch the mighty Shaun Hill, and they dropped several spots down the list. We are giving the only 0-16 team in football history a run for their money for the worst defense EVAR. Yet, we aren't that dominantly sucky. Hmmmm, how can we fix that? Oh, right.
| Team | Year | Pass DVOA |
| JUGGERNAUT | 2010 | 54.3% |
| DEN | 2010 | 42.1% |
| DET | 2009 | 40.1% |
| JAC | 2009 | 39.8% |
| BAL | 1996 | 38.8% |
Now that's dominance! Opposing QBs are now lighting us up for a 229-334 (68.7% completion rate), 2,824 yards, 22 TDs, 5 INTs line, good for a 107.7 QB rating. The best comp is still Kurt Warner's 1999 MVP season, except with fewer INTs.
With only seven games to go, the Texans defense is well on its way to being the worst defense in NFL history. Lest you believe I might hurt Frank Bush's feelings? Why, he scoffs at that suggestion.
I now present to you Slobberbone's tribute to the 2010 Texans defense, Meltdown:
^ The DVOA database only goes back to 1993. However, unless there is an outlier during the AFL years, it's highly likely this is the worst defense in NFL history. Plus, it's a lot easier to say than repeatedly qualifying it with "since 1993." Plus plus, the Texans defense deserves to be called the worst in NFL history.
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I'm actually pleased by this
If we’re going to fail we may as well fail spectacularly. No one remembers the 2007 1-15 Dolphins, but everyone remembers the 2008 0-16 Lions. Also, it is possible that this performance will prevent Frank Bush from ever being gainfully employed again. Everyone wins but the livers of Texans fans. No one ever thinks about the livers.
Frank Bush delenda est
"Won't somebody please think about the livers?"
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
by bigfatdrunk on Nov 16, 2010 5:31 PM CST up reply actions 4 recs
Indeed
I’ve reached a point where I’m starting to appreciate the rarity of what we’re seeing every week.
When you’ve arrived at a place where you’re truly shocked when the opposition doesn’t score on you, you know you’re part of something special.
Plus, talent problems aside, it has to be a tremendously attractive job to defensive coordinator candidates. The bar is set so incredibly low that Texans fans will be naming their kids after the next guy if he manages to get Houston’s defense out of the bottom third of the league.
Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...
By those DVOA numbers....
Houston @ Denver is going to be filled with dual-500 yard passers.
"Lord, beer me strength."
Funny how that works.
Looking back on it, I find it amusing that we went the Denver route on our coaching and scheme, considering that for about half a decade, the Broncos routinely got thrashed by about 40 points by Indy every time they played. Seriously, those post-superbowl Broncos teams never had a pass rush, and even with Champ Bailey they had lousy secondaries.
Are you trying to tell me
There are other coaching trees?
Frank Bush delenda est
I remember
Several seasons ago almost every Texans message board had a “name the defense” thread where people were churning out names like The Stampede, The Bull Rush, etc.
Anyone still want to play the name game??
I'm a man!! I'm forty!!
Cover 2 Zone
"...and Kareem Jackson will fall down..."
Wouldn't "The Cover Who Zone?" Be more appropriate?
by DTango on Nov 16, 2010 8:33 PM CST up reply actions 9 recs
Wow
Newbie rec and a great suggestion.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
Thanks from the new guy
Best blog I’ve seen on this sore subject. Look forward to more witty banter with you all. Assuming I haven’t slit my wrists in frustration rendering my clicking and typing ability null.
Houston Texans - Once again proving it's possible to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
The Craptastics.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now help me find my pants!
by UprootedTexan on Nov 16, 2010 6:59 PM CST up reply actions
The Blue Collar Comedy Tour
- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter | SB Nation Houston | Battle Red Blog
by riversmccown on Nov 16, 2010 6:59 PM CST up reply actions
To further explain
Nominally, it’s supposed to be funny, but all of the humor comes in just knowing how sad it is that we’ve reached the point where it’s funny.
- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter | SB Nation Houston | Battle Red Blog
by riversmccown on Nov 16, 2010 7:04 PM CST up reply actions
Wow.
This might be the perfect analogy for the 2010 Houston Texans defense.
If you're a fan of basketball, watch a movie called Sonicsgate. It's free, just google it.
Why?
Because Rivers had to explain the joke?
Heh. Heh. Heh.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
by bigfatdrunk on Nov 16, 2010 7:32 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
Paris Hilton at an all-guys convention.
Get it? It sucks. (I feel like I’ve stolen this from some TV show, but I can’t put my finger on it)
"...and Kareem Jackson will fall down..."
The Burned Bush
I am Sancho
by HoustonTransplant on Nov 17, 2010 4:47 AM CST up reply actions 1 recs
It could be the "Talking to Moses" defense...
See if anybody gets THAT…
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do..."
I met a couple Nets fans last year
At one point they wanted to be the worst team ever just because there was nothing else left to play for. That’s how I feel about this defense.
"...and Kareem Jackson will fall down..."
Im down with that
Put we got to win at the. Make week 17 matter and then hey, we made it with the worst D ever!!! Watch the fuck out league when we get an actual coach
by AllenOU on Nov 16, 2010 7:01 PM CST via mobile up reply actions
Just to add insult to injury.....
The NFL Network decides to replay the Texans-Jags games. Thanks NFL Network for making me relive the pain from Sunday!
Every game is an opportunity to measure yourself against your own potential.
5 mins to go in the 4th right now
It’s even worse when you know what’s coming
I'm a man!! I'm forty!!
Lets trade for this guy
http://i55.tinypic.com/2nhf4no.gif
LAST SEASON, I led this team in ninth-inning doubles in the month of August!
Don't be such a hater, Nolie
Haven’t you ever need a nap in the middle of a play? Hmmm? I thought ………….hsfhasdfhksjgf sh gd sdgh g agiog aaaa
French toast please.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
You have to admire
The man’s commitment to making the most amount of money with the least amount of work.
Frank Bush delenda est
At least by sprawling out on the ground...
Vick might potentially trip over him if he cuts it back to the other side.
I shall deem that more useful than Eugene Wilson as well.
So many people wanted him
Makes since now – he would be a perfect fit for the “scheme”
"I want you guys to pair up in groups of three and then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson former Oilers Coach
by Barryfromtexas on Nov 17, 2010 7:52 AM CST up reply actions
question
Why are those so called fans on clutchfans such a bunch of sensitive pussies? Especially that Optbot2k. what a homo.
Reverend Pimp Daddy
What the hell?
Why’d you post this on both The Dream Shake and here? Again, stop with the homophobic posts, we try to make intelligent comments on most SB Nation blogs.
If you're a fan of basketball, watch a movie called Sonicsgate. It's free, just google it.
by .Bonzo on Nov 17, 2010 12:23 AM CST up reply actions 5 recs
Watch? I think we're way past watch
We’re officially in a warning
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this is awesome
the best part of a Texans season is the offseason.
This one just got infinitely more interesting.
"I'm trying to get a feel for Booty" - GK
Tried, actually
I can’t find an NFL database out there that has the info I need, especially one that goes back historically accurately. Then, to compile, it would take a ton of time.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
A complete NFL stats database going back to the beginning
profootballreference is close.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
by bigfatdrunk on Nov 17, 2010 12:47 PM CST up reply actions
Oh, I didn't see it up ahead.
The worst defense ever?
1981 Colts according to Burge.
I mean that’s in terms of total yards and points, but I imagine their DVOA would be astronomical.
Will we see a new section to this post next week: 1981 Colts-Watch?
"Lord, beer me strength."
It would be difficult
As some stats were not even kept in early days like sacks. Defensive stats have changed over the years.
"I want you guys to pair up in groups of three and then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson former Oilers Coach
by Barryfromtexas on Nov 17, 2010 7:55 AM CST up reply actions
With a coaching change
comes a new QB.
Think we’ll get that Auburn kid?
"I'm trying to get a feel for Booty" - GK
I don't think he's in our price range
Auburn is paying him way more than we can afford to
This comment has been brought to you by...
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Has the Texans defense become too excruciating to watch? Clorox Eye Wash is the solution for you. Apply directly to the eyes & the slight pain will provide everlasting relief from the vision of the Texans Defense
and by
Drano Classic Milkshakes
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by The Night Owl on Nov 17, 2010 1:27 AM CST up reply actions 5 recs
Yes, sink that young man's dream.
Make him pay for taking all that money to play an amateur game. He shouldn’t get off Scot-free. Bring him here to Houston as a rookie. Matt Schaub is due for an injury, right? This is perfect. That Auburn kid’s hopes and dreams will be dashed before the 7th game of the season. Just will be done!
I dub the Jets..... over-exposed
Ask and ye shall receive!
Turns out Schaub is due for an injury. Knee bursa. No prac today. Though I’ll not claim to be a doc or a physiologist, I worked with a few in my day. And if it’s actually a bad bursa injury (rupture…) then the Orlavsky/leinart/Orlavsky/Leinart era begins….
Houston Texans - Once again proving it's possible to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
Or better yet...
Our pass offense has been shaky at best, even with Schaub healthy. If he goes down, I say play James Casey at QB and go wildcat. If we’re going to suck, let’s at least do it in gimmicky fashion.
Kubiak and gimmicks
are mutually exclusive.
Houston Texans fan, first and foremost.
College football teams: Army, Syracuse, Texas, Auburn.
In Smithiak we trust(ed)!
by 5stringJeff on Nov 18, 2010 12:06 PM CST up reply actions
I'd take a Jim Harbaugh/Andrew Luck combo
In a heart beat. And guess where the kid went to school……Stratford High School in Houston, TX.
Yep that’s right, he’s a native kid and his dad played for the Oilers. Sounds like a winning combo to me. He could back up Matt for a couple of years while Harbaugh installs his system.
Watcha think??
I'm a man!! I'm forty!!
Have you ever tried to play Madden so badly just to see how bad you can get beat?
It’s actually hard to try and get rolled, maybe the defense should take that approach.
I’m to the point where I’m really interested in what Vick is going to do to us…should be fun.
GO TEXANS!!!!
Our time will come...
Interesting philosophy
How do you know that aren’t already trying that?
I dub the Jets..... over-exposed
have you seen dre in at safety
put him in there with pollard and see how awesome he is. i got a pick 6, and two sacks against peyton
I'm not a gamer
I have a Playstation, but I must have tender skin on my hand, because if I play for an hour, I have blisters on my thumbs…..
I dub the Jets..... over-exposed
That is awesome
"I want you guys to pair up in groups of three and then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson former Oilers Coach
by Barryfromtexas on Nov 17, 2010 1:21 PM CST up reply actions
I've found that...
When I actually play defense, I tend to overpursue and miss tackles. So generally, my best option is to just put the controller down when I’m on.
Perhaps there’s something to that?
I just sim defense
oddly enough it seems to work better than actually playing defense
This comment has been brought to you by...
Clorox Eye Wash
Has the Texans defense become too excruciating to watch? Clorox Eye Wash is the solution for you. Apply directly to the eyes & the slight pain will provide everlasting relief from the vision of the Texans Defense
and by
Drano Classic Milkshakes
Drano Milkshakes, For when a slow, painful death is preferable to watching the Texans play defense
by The Night Owl on Nov 17, 2010 11:28 PM CST up reply actions
I just play DT
On runs, I run towards the RB. On pass plays, I’m blitzing the QB. I avoid those weird zone blitzes where the DT plays short zone.
Houston Texans fan, first and foremost.
College football teams: Army, Syracuse, Texas, Auburn.
In Smithiak we trust(ed)!
by 5stringJeff on Nov 18, 2010 12:08 PM CST up reply actions
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