Battle Red Onion: Amazing Scientific Breakthrough Holds Hope for Texans' Coaching Staff

Battle Red Onion - America's Only Football News Source

November 2, 2010

Los Alamos, New Mexico

Scientists at an undisclosed location in Los Alamos have announced a revolutionary new device that will change the way people think and act forever.  "We're really rather excited about our discovery," said one scientist at the press conference.  "Over the last several...decades, we in the scientific community have grown concerned about the collective IQ of human society.  Between dwindling school grades, the decline of intellectual curiosity, and Jersey Shore, our statistics show that there will be nobody with an IQ higher than 104 by decade's close.  To that end, we have built a machine that is capable of reversing both the mentality and intellectual capacity of anybody that uses it."

The scientists who developed the machine, which they lovingly call "the Brain Duster," have been going through extensive clinical trials in the last several months and the results have been simply astonishing.  The first test of the device was on one of the members of the development team, Dr. Roland Waldhoff.  He holds three doctorates in quantum physics, mathematics, and neurobiology.  "Now Dr. Waldhoff," the presenting scientist said while wiping drool from Dr. Waldhoff's chin, "can you tell us what 1 + 1 equals?"  Waldhoff looked quizzically at the scientist and slowly said, "Cat?"

"The effects of the Brain Duster are directly inverse from the person's original intelligence level.  Dr. Waldhoff, a genius by any standard, can't even put on his pants by himself in his current state.  We have also tested this on a person who has been called, by the person who brought him in, "dumb as a stump."  Onto the stage walked a familiar face in football circles.  "His name is Vince, and I'm told he lives in Nashville," announced the scientist, confused by the ooohing and ahhhhing coming from the crowd of reporters. 

According to his colleague, who wished to only go by the name "Jeff," Vince's IQ is so low that you can't test it, you have to dig for it.  "Vince?" the scientist asked.  "Yes, my good man, what do you request of me?" Vince said in a clear, articulate tone.  "Please explain what Boyle's law states."  "Certainly.  Boyle's law states that the pressure of a gas is inversely proportional with the volume of said gas at a constant temperature.  This, combined with Charles', Avogadro's, and Gay-Lussac's laws make up what is known as the ideal gas law."  "Thank you, Vince."  "Think nothing of it, it was my pleasure, sir."

Several buyers from all over the world have already bought their own Brain Dusters.  And sources from within the Battle Red Onion have confirmed that one of these buyers is Houston Texans owner Bob McNair.  When asked why he bought a Brain Duster, he simply said, "Well, it would be a damn sight cheaper than firing the entire coaching staff or having them taken out by ninjas.  Because while ninjas are cool, they are not cheap."

We were fortunate enough to see the coaching staff before and after the effects of the Brain Duster took place.  "Gary," asked by Little Dicky Justice, Age 12, "you're going up against a poor running defense that has two of the best pass rushers in the league, what do you do?"  "Well, since they got burned by our run game last time, they'll be expecting that, so we're going to air it out for most of the game, I think.  And if it doesn't work, then it's on me, guys." 

A few minutes after the Brain Duster, he was asked the same question.  "What do you think we're going to do?  We're going to run it down their damn throats and if they don't like it they can stop us, and if they can't do that then they deserve to have 128 points hung on them.  And I'll tell you one thing, the team better come out ready to play because if I see another game like Dallas or against the Giants, I am going to pick a player at random and have them shot."

Next up for Dusting was Frank Bush, Texans "Defensive" Coordinator.  "With Frank, it was a little harder," said Bob McNair, "we had to first locate his brain since he couldn't remember where he left it last.  Fortunately, we found it during our locker room raid in the bye week."  Bush's brain was found in Mario Williams' locker, "I needed a paperweight, and I didn't think he would miss it that much."  When asked what Bush would do if the opposing defense were throwing quick passes to the tight end.  His response, "I'd use my Tampa 2 defense to keep them from making a long play and once the pass was complete, I'd hope they'd catch on and stop him before he got the first down." 

After the Dusting, "We don't give them the chance to throw.  I'd put the fear of Durga in Mario Williams and Antonio Smith and make them rush the passer more than once every lunar eclipse.  And if they didn't, I would force them to work on pass rush drills from now until doomsday, screw the Tampa 2, I'd blitz the ever-loving crap out of them and damn the consequences!"

Lastly Rick Dennison, Texans Offensive Coordinator, was asked why there have been so few screen passes used.  He said, "I just haven't felt like running them this year is all.  I may put them in next year but right now I want to see what happens without them."

After Dusting:  "I must have been out of my damn mind.  This offense requires screens and an effective play action game to be successful, I will institute them immediately and as atonement, beat my head against the wall after sending the staff at BRB a lovely fruit basket for being right this whole time."

In a related story, Peyton Manning has been reported found this morning.  He went missing after the Monday night game against the Texans.  When found, Manning had a dopey grin on his face, with drool running down his chin, holding a small gray kitty and repeatedly saying "I like kitties.  They're cute."

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