With Apologies To "The Princess Bride": Gary Kubiak Is Vizzini

Lucas Oil Stadium. First offensive series of the game.

Larry Coyer: All right. What will the Texans offense do? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you, Gary Kubiak, through your offensive coordinator Rick Dennison, decide what plays to run, and we find out who is right... and who is dead.
Gary Kubiak: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: Are you the sort of man who presides over a defense that can stop the run? Now, a clever man would run the ball, because it worked so amazingly well in Week One when our teams met, and because he would know that only a great fool would consciously depart from what's already proven to work against your defense. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose to pass. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not run the ball.

 

Coyer: You've made your decision then?
Kubes: Not remotely. Because my wisdom comes from Mike Shanahan's Denver Broncos, as everyone knows, and Denver is entirely riddled with variations of the West Coast Offense, which frequently feature short passes in lieu of runs, and the West Coast Offense is well known for its emphasis on passing the ball, as you are no doubt aware, so I can clearly not choose to pass the ball.
Coyer: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Kubes: Wait 'til I get going! Now, where was I?
Coyer: Denver.
Kubes: Yes, Denver. And you must have suspected I would know that you would know that I know you know of my proclivity for the passing game, so I can clearly not choose to run the ball, despite the fact that my team boasts one of the most productive running backs in all of football.
Coyer: You're just stalling now.
Kubes: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? The Colts have beaten the Texans 16 out of the 18 times they've played, and Houston has never beaten Indianapolis in Indianapolis, which means the Colts are exceptionally good (or the Texans have been exceptionally bad), so you could've simply decided you don't care what I do, trusting that I'll go with what makes me more comfortable, that the passing game is my security blanket, regardless of the empirical evidence, so I can clearly not choose to pass the ball. But, you also know that my defense is putrid, which means you must have studied at least two minutes of one game the Texans have played since I rode into town in '06, and in studying you must have learned that my defensive hires have been collossal failures, so you would know that I want to keep that defense off the field as much as possible, which means I should run the ball, so I can clearly not choose to run the ball.
Coyer: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
Kubes: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW HOW TO PUT TOGETHER AN OFFENSIVE GAME PLAN TO BEAT YOU!
Coyer: Then make your choice.
Kubes: I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be?
[Kubes gestures up and away from the sideline. Coyer looks. Kubes flips a coin, quietly muttering, "Heads, we run the offense exclusively out of an empty backfield. Tails, we cut Arian Foster and see if we can get Mersiles out of that recording contract."]
Coyer: What? Where? I don't see anything.
Kubes: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let's play football. Me sending in a play, and you trying to stop it.
[Kubes sends in a play]
Coyer: You guessed wrong.
Kubes: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I flipped a coin! I left it in Fate's hands, but I rigged the question so I'd get the answer I wanted! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against an Aggie when common sense dicates there is only one correct answer!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...
[Kubes stops suddenly, smile frozen on his face as Matt Schaub is sacked by Dwight Freeney on 3rd and 10]
Peyton Manning: And to think, all that time you knew he wouldn't run the ball.
Coyer: It didn't matter whether he ran the ball or not.  We're the Colts, and they're the Texans.  We've spent the last nine (9) years building up an immunity to their offense.

 

Fin.

Not that anything can make you feel better after watching your squad get pantsed on prime time television, but "The Princess Bride" might be the best we can do:

Texans vs Colts coverage

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