With Apologies To "The Princess Bride": Gary Kubiak Is Vizzini
by Tim on Nov 2, 2010 11:01 AM CDT
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PrintLucas Oil Stadium. First offensive series of the game.
Larry Coyer: All right. What will the Texans offense do? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you, Gary Kubiak, through your offensive coordinator Rick Dennison, decide what plays to run, and we find out who is right... and who is dead.
Gary Kubiak: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: Are you the sort of man who presides over a defense that can stop the run? Now, a clever man would run the ball, because it worked so amazingly well in Week One when our teams met, and because he would know that only a great fool would consciously depart from what's already proven to work against your defense. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose to pass. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not run the ball.
Coyer: You've made your decision then?
Kubes: Not remotely. Because my wisdom comes from Mike Shanahan's Denver Broncos, as everyone knows, and Denver is entirely riddled with variations of the West Coast Offense, which frequently feature short passes in lieu of runs, and the West Coast Offense is well known for its emphasis on passing the ball, as you are no doubt aware, so I can clearly not choose to pass the ball.
Coyer: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Kubes: Wait 'til I get going! Now, where was I?
Coyer: Denver.
Kubes: Yes, Denver. And you must have suspected I would know that you would know that I know you know of my proclivity for the passing game, so I can clearly not choose to run the ball, despite the fact that my team boasts one of the most productive running backs in all of football.
Coyer: You're just stalling now.
Kubes: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? The Colts have beaten the Texans 16 out of the 18 times they've played, and Houston has never beaten Indianapolis in Indianapolis, which means the Colts are exceptionally good (or the Texans have been exceptionally bad), so you could've simply decided you don't care what I do, trusting that I'll go with what makes me more comfortable, that the passing game is my security blanket, regardless of the empirical evidence, so I can clearly not choose to pass the ball. But, you also know that my defense is putrid, which means you must have studied at least two minutes of one game the Texans have played since I rode into town in '06, and in studying you must have learned that my defensive hires have been collossal failures, so you would know that I want to keep that defense off the field as much as possible, which means I should run the ball, so I can clearly not choose to run the ball.
Coyer: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
Kubes: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW HOW TO PUT TOGETHER AN OFFENSIVE GAME PLAN TO BEAT YOU!
Coyer: Then make your choice.
Kubes: I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be?
[Kubes gestures up and away from the sideline. Coyer looks. Kubes flips a coin, quietly muttering, "Heads, we run the offense exclusively out of an empty backfield. Tails, we cut Arian Foster and see if we can get Mersiles out of that recording contract."]
Coyer: What? Where? I don't see anything.
Kubes: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let's play football. Me sending in a play, and you trying to stop it.
[Kubes sends in a play]
Coyer: You guessed wrong.
Kubes: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I flipped a coin! I left it in Fate's hands, but I rigged the question so I'd get the answer I wanted! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against an Aggie when common sense dicates there is only one correct answer!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...
[Kubes stops suddenly, smile frozen on his face as Matt Schaub is sacked by Dwight Freeney on 3rd and 10]
Peyton Manning: And to think, all that time you knew he wouldn't run the ball.
Coyer: It didn't matter whether he ran the ball or not. We're the Colts, and they're the Texans. We've spent the last nine (9) years building up an immunity to their offense.
Fin.
Not that anything can make you feel better after watching your squad get pantsed on prime time television, but "The Princess Bride" might be the best we can do:
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Brilliant!
Bravo. Well done!
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now help me find my pants!
Scarily accurate.
- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter | SB Nation Houston | Battle Red Blog
Perfect post..
It's hard bein whimpy
by WhimpyJimmy on Nov 2, 2010 11:33 AM CDT via mobile reply actions
ahhhh
Italics fail!!
though I do love how the Princess Bride can be used so seamlessly to describe sporting figures. For example…
is it bad
that without checking the date first I knew exactly which game you were talking about?
by Bobbythegreat on Nov 2, 2010 11:44 AM CDT up reply actions
Bravo! and rec'd
“…..Kubiak, you killed my fandom, prepare to fry”
"I looked up redundant in the dictionary......it said; 'see redundant' " ~ Robin Williams
Exactly
The D actually played well, all things considered. If Matt hadn’t had one of his patented Doh! moments, 7 points would be gone, as well as probably one Colts possession. That would have put our D holding them to 20 pts, which should be enough to win.
But Kubiak called an incredibly inept game. He panicked after the pick6 and went all pass. I have no problem opening with the pass, on the assumption that Indy would be prepped for the run. But as soon as he saw the pass not working and the run once again dominant, he should have pounded the rock instead of pounding his head into a rock.
Also, let’s give some props to Alex Gibbs. From wherever he is now, he still stabs at our hearts with his legacy, the terminally mediocre Duane Brown. I’m putting a new LT on the top of my draft wish list. Or, at least a new RG. A decent DT would be good too. Come to think of it, any sort of really good lineman would be nice.
And how many LT's do you know of...
Who completely stop Dwight Freeney? I may not be a Colts fan, but I know a guy with sheer speed and talent, and that’s Freeney. Keep in mind Brown was coming in off 5 weeks out of games. Nobody can be ready to fill back into that position, especially against a Freeney. It was too much to ask, and Kubiak should’ve gameplanned to sub Brown and Butler in and out some to give Brown rest.
True, Freeney is the best
But Duane, like Okoye, plays like a decent 2-3rd round player. We need a few top flight linemen. It seems that he gets 2-3 sacks and a forced fumble every time he plays Duane and this is Duane’s 3rd year. I’d settle for a few hits/hurries and one sack per game, which is 2-3x better than what we are getting.
And if, as it seems to be, Duane will continue to be embarassed by Freeney, at least we could assign somebody to help him.
Besides, how could he be tired . . .
our offense was only on the field for 23 minutes. Even Yao plays that long.
Also
CFHTim recs this post, purely for breaking the Internet.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
All I know is...our way is not very sportsmanlike
Not that anything can make you feel better after watching your squad get pantsed on prime time television, but “The Princess Bride” might be the best we can do
I appreciate the effort, Tim.
Plain and simple...
Kubiak got out-gamed, out-coached, and out-manned (and sadly, this last one wasn’t meant as a pun…but it is nonetheless).
If the defense CAN perform like this, and the offense CAN perform like it has in the past…then it’s on Kubiak to get everything out of his guys that he can.
I say it’s time for a Head Coach firing squad here in Texas. It’s not like either Head Coach is worth anything.
Tim, that was fucking legendary!
One of my favorite scenes ever.
Anyone else using the Vizzini and Wesley voices in their head as they read that?
Epic, Tim.
Epic.
This of course asks the question...
Is Frank Bush Fezzik? And if so, does that make Rick Dennison…
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now help me find my pants!
Everybody is talking about Moss clearing waivers.
granted it would be nice but lets Merriman for real. Is he ready yet?
Ready for the glue factory.
- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter | SB Nation Houston | Battle Red Blog
by riversmccown on Nov 2, 2010 3:06 PM CDT up reply actions 5 recs
I'm from BFTB
and I joined BRB because of this post. I love it. Awesome. 50 recs and a dozen internets to you, sir.
The sports team from my geographical area is superior to the sports team from your geographical area and will emerge victorious due to its very superiority.
by Superduperboltman on Nov 2, 2010 3:20 PM CDT reply actions
Kubiak
Always puts the poison into his own cup, Always.
One question...
Does anyone want a peanut?
I heard Brian Cushing like to do it with girls in a really uncomfortable place and i am not talking about the back seat of a Volkswagen
Go Texans!
I joined BRB just to rec this.
An autumn Sunday,
Perched in front of the big screen,
Beer in white knuckles.
by Neoplatonist Bolthead on Nov 2, 2010 7:17 PM CDT reply actions
Here you go
I’m a Texans fan.
No really, I’m not kidding.
One of these winters….
An autumn Sunday,
Perched in front of the big screen,
Beer in white knuckles.
by Neoplatonist Bolthead on Nov 2, 2010 8:17 PM CDT up reply actions 4 recs
Beautiful. Only haiku-form can express my sorrow.
Big game, Monday night.
Foster, running with purpose.
Schaub pick-six? Shit-balls.
Oh great jeebus
I missed the haiku aspect.
/lights English degree on fire/
//waits for cubic’s punishment//
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
Jakespeare Haiku?
Mama’s left overs,
Do u know wut the rooster
say n the mawning?
Wut da business is,
The devil is not welcome…..
heeeeeyyyyeeeeaaa…lol
I’m gonna go ahead and consider “lol” as “ell-oh-ell” to fit the scheme. Obviously, it’s rather difficult to gauge syllables in Jakespeare’s sophisticated language. For instance, is it New-Or-leans? Or is it Naw-Leans?
by Nashmeister on Nov 2, 2010 10:25 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
New-Or-leans.
"I am in favor of censorship ‐ not against what is supposed to be sexy or dirty, but against what is idiotic." -Jean Renoir
Random fact of the week from the empty void that is my mind: It turns out that the internal fan is the single most inaccessible part of a laptop computer. Stupid technology.
According to Al Michaels
it’s New-Orleee-ans. GRRRRRR
N’Awlins is the local pronunciation.
"I throw, you catch. It's NOT that hard!"
Peyton Manning, SNL, 2007
by peytonsthebest on Nov 3, 2010 11:10 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
haha well done!
I missed the Haiku form in Neoplatonist’s sig but I DID catch it in the one he wrote for BFD.
I just liked Neoplatonist’s sig regardless of the haiku.
very well done and welcome to those of you who cheer for Chargers.
kubiAPED the DUMB ASS!
KubiAPE, Dennisuck, and F’%#"!! Bushy Football IQ is no smarter than a house’s mouse!
CowDungboys Game- BLOW OUT LOST
gi ANTS Game- BLOW OUT LOST
PONYcolts- BLOW OUT LOST (2 weeks time given)
The bigger the stage, the more lousy they played ! Does anybody out there still think he is a good Head coach! It’s time to FIRE them all ! Heck, you & I probally can coach a lots better than they all combine ! Why is kubi APE afraided to RUN THE DAMN BALL ? Heck, in all 3 big games, the result were about the same,…PATHETIC, nothing short of PATHETIC !
Ah, thanks
for the accompanying video. It’s like you knew that I was reading. Well done and rec’d.
One thing about the movie (that I haven’t seen). You included this line at the end: “Coyer: It didn’t matter whether he ran the ball or not. We’re the Colts, and they’re the Texans. We’ve spent the last nine (9) years building up an immunity to their offense.” Nothing like that was included in the Youtube video. Does your included line mean that Wesley had previously built an immunity to the poison and put poison in both of the cups of wine?
"I am in favor of censorship ‐ not against what is supposed to be sexy or dirty, but against what is idiotic." -Jean Renoir
Random fact of the week from the empty void that is my mind: It turns out that the internal fan is the single most inaccessible part of a laptop computer. Stupid technology.
Thanks.
"I am in favor of censorship ‐ not against what is supposed to be sexy or dirty, but against what is idiotic." -Jean Renoir
Random fact of the week from the empty void that is my mind: It turns out that the internal fan is the single most inaccessible part of a laptop computer. Stupid technology.
Dear Lord...
I, amongst many other of the core contributors at Stampede Blue, are officially boycotting the site due to the deplorable "leadership" of head blogger BigBlueShoe. We ask, but do not expect, support, from you, our fellow fans, regardless of your team affiliation. The ideals of fairness and respect that are the foundation of this great sport that we all love should not stop at the chalk on the boundaries of the gridiron, but should continue through to the fans and beyond. To show your support you may email dhalprin123@gmail.com at SBNation and respectfully ask for the removal of Brad Wells as head blogger of Stampede Blue. Thank You.
by peytonsurdaddy on Nov 3, 2010 11:07 AM CDT up reply actions
LOL.
Don’t they have DVRs in Indiana?
"I throw, you catch. It's NOT that hard!"
Peyton Manning, SNL, 2007
by peytonsthebest on Nov 3, 2010 11:12 AM CDT up reply actions
You really need to rent the movie Cass.
It is a classic…..and quoted quite often on here.
Just my $.02
Even duct tape can't fix stupid
Awesome post ,Tim.
You have outdone yourself with this one.
I, amongst many other of the core contributors at Stampede Blue, are officially boycotting the site due to the deplorable "leadership" of head blogger BigBlueShoe. We ask, but do not expect, support, from you, our fellow fans, regardless of your team affiliation. The ideals of fairness and respect that are the foundation of this great sport that we all love should not stop at the chalk on the boundaries of the gridiron, but should continue through to the fans and beyond. To show your support you may email dhalprin123@gmail.com at SBNation and respectfully ask for the removal of Brad Wells as head blogger of Stampede Blue. Thank You.
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