Battle Red Onion - Now With A Hint of Lemon
December 20, 2010
After beating down the Tennessee Traitors in Houston three weeks ago, coach Gary Kubiak thought his team had finally turned it around in time for their traditional December rally. Then there were the games against the Eagles, ugh, the Ravens, and "Misery Bowl II" against the Traitors in Nashville. All three resulted in losses of varying degrees of disappointment and Clorox consumption.
Kubiak couldn't understand it, what was so different about "Misery Bowl I" and the other six games he'd lost? Was it their quarterback who had a lower rating than some toddlers could put up? Was it a fluke defensive effort that was the result of stuffing 10 in the box against Chris Johnson? Finally, a candle popped up over Kubiak's head. He knew what was different: the fight!
Andre Johnson, hero of the Houston Texans beat the F out of Cortland Innegan and the Texans blanked their arch-enemies. Two and a half weeks later, Kubiak remembered a movie that sounded similar to his current situation. A team in the cellar facing elimination, permanently, so the team starts brawling during games and they inexplicably win.
During "Misery Bowl II" Kubiak put his strategy into effect. Only his instructions were confused by defensive coordinator Frank "Rice Cake" Bush; when Brian Cushing and Antonio Smith started fighting with each other on the field, causing a stupid 15 yard penalty. "I actually thought having Cush and Smith fight players on the other team seemed too complicated," Bush said in between bites of a peanut butter sandwich, "so I simplified the plan and had them fight each other. It didn't really have the effect, I think, Coach had in mind."
On Monday, Coach Kubiak is expected to call a surprise press conference to announce his plans to sign several notable street free agents to fill the Texans' much-needed enforcer role. "I figured I had nothing left to lose," Kubiak said just before the conference, "so why not gamble with some new blood?"
The Battle Red Onion has gotten an advanced copy of these free agent acquisitions on Kubiak's "wish list." First on the list is Michael Tyson from the little heard of California/Nevada Penal League, he is slated to play linebacker with Cushing and Sharpton. Next on the list are three brothers originally from the upstart Charlestown Chiefs of the Federal League, now playing with the Omaha
Steaks Nighthawks of the UFL. Their names and positions are Jack Hanson (TE), Jeff Hanson (TE), and Steve Hanson (TE). The secondary, one of the worst in football, will see the most change with Jack Chan from the Hong Kong Football Syndicate playing free safety for the rest of this season and possibly next season. Houston legend Shawn Chacon, though for all the wrong reasons, will return to H-town to play as cornerback opposite Glover Quin. And Kubiak found a dirt cheap alternative to Mario Williams who has been placed on IR. Master Chief, from the popular Halo games, will slide in at defensive end.
Whether these additions will make any difference for a team that will see its first sub-.500 record in three years is yet to be seen. What we do know is that these last two games of the season should be, as our British friends say, bloody entertaining.