How I Spent My Off-Season, By Mario Williams

Unicorns are beautiful animals.  From where I'm crouched, I can see one as it carefully walks towards the pool to drink.  I never get tired of seeing them move.  They walk as though they are floating above the ground and they turn their heads with the movement of a swan craning its neck towards the sun.

Unicorns only come out to feed during the full moon.  I'm not sure where they go the rest of the time.  I'm not looking, though, because I don't need them then.  I only need them when they feed.  

The unicorn stops and looks up.  Has he seen me?  I lay perfectly still.  If this one bolts, I won't have another chance until the next full moon.  I can hear my heart beating inside my chest, feel it in my eyeballs.  The unicorn looks around, scanning the forest for threats, and then slowly lowers his graceful head back to the pool and begins to feed.  His silver mane falls around his white neck as he slowly draws from the cool water of the pond.  His eyelids slowly close, momentarily covering those eyes that emit star-like light.  Now is my chance.  I must move.  In my head, I hear a snap count as I coil.

Hut! Hut! Hut!

The unicorn bolts straight up.  He runs backwards, away from the pool.  There's a small tree in my way, but he's no more an obstacle than Tony Ugoh to me.  The tree succumbs to my bull rush and now the unicorn is panicked.  I can see it in his eyes.  He looks desperately around, but he's alone, isolated.  He gives up.  For a moment images of David Carr flash through my head as he crumples to the ground.  But it's too late for him.  He's mine now.

I won't go into the details; they're kind of gory.  Unicorn blood doesn't taste particularly good, but I need it.  Sometimes you get some I get some fur in my mouth - hack, hack - but I barely notice it.  The blood gives me strength.  With every gulp, I can feel my strength growing.  This year, I'm coming back stronger than ever, and I won't let little concerns like condemning my eternal soul to wander the earth after my body has passed get in my way. 

This stuff is so much better than HGH, and guess what?  There's no test for it.  I'd tell Cushing about it, but even though he's fast enough to catch a unicorn, there's no way he could bring it down, and then he'd be playing the whole season with a unicorn horn stuck in his ass.

I lay back down and close my eyes.  Only another month until I feed again.  When we meet during the regular season, Peyton will be very surprised indeed.

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