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How I Spent My Off-Season, By Mario Williams

Unicorns are beautiful animals.  From where I'm crouched, I can see one as it carefully walks towards the pool to drink.  I never get tired of seeing them move.  They walk as though they are floating above the ground and they turn their heads with the movement of a swan craning its neck towards the sun.

Unicorns only come out to feed during the full moon.  I'm not sure where they go the rest of the time.  I'm not looking, though, because I don't need them then.  I only need them when they feed.  

The unicorn stops and looks up.  Has he seen me?  I lay perfectly still.  If this one bolts, I won't have another chance until the next full moon.  I can hear my heart beating inside my chest, feel it in my eyeballs.  The unicorn looks around, scanning the forest for threats, and then slowly lowers his graceful head back to the pool and begins to feed.  His silver mane falls around his white neck as he slowly draws from the cool water of the pond.  His eyelids slowly close, momentarily covering those eyes that emit star-like light.  Now is my chance.  I must move.  In my head, I hear a snap count as I coil.

Hut! Hut! Hut!

The unicorn bolts straight up.  He runs backwards, away from the pool.  There's a small tree in my way, but he's no more an obstacle than Tony Ugoh to me.  The tree succumbs to my bull rush and now the unicorn is panicked.  I can see it in his eyes.  He looks desperately around, but he's alone, isolated.  He gives up.  For a moment images of David Carr flash through my head as he crumples to the ground.  But it's too late for him.  He's mine now.

I won't go into the details; they're kind of gory.  Unicorn blood doesn't taste particularly good, but I need it.  Sometimes you get some I get some fur in my mouth - hack, hack - but I barely notice it.  The blood gives me strength.  With every gulp, I can feel my strength growing.  This year, I'm coming back stronger than ever, and I won't let little concerns like condemning my eternal soul to wander the earth after my body has passed get in my way. 

This stuff is so much better than HGH, and guess what?  There's no test for it.  I'd tell Cushing about it, but even though he's fast enough to catch a unicorn, there's no way he could bring it down, and then he'd be playing the whole season with a unicorn horn stuck in his ass.

I lay back down and close my eyes.  Only another month until I feed again.  When we meet during the regular season, Peyton will be very surprised indeed.

7 recs  |  Comment 27 comments |

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I've got one even better

Let’s inject everyone with rabies!!!!!

Bms

by AllenOU on Feb 24, 2010 12:59 PM CST via mobile reply actions  

I'm 18!

Ummm…..yeah….OK, sure.

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Feb 24, 2010 3:00 PM CST up reply actions  

I want to take this post out to dinner

and buy it expensive gifts.

I always assumed "You're The Reason God Made Oklahoma" would be some sort of country music diss track. Live and learn, I guess.

by MDC on Feb 24, 2010 1:39 PM CST reply actions  

Rec'd

for general badassery

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Feb 24, 2010 3:00 PM CST reply actions  

wow

just noticed I used this same phrase (although with “polar bear” embedded) over on BON a few minutes ago. great minds….

by BigTexBD on Feb 25, 2010 10:20 AM CST up reply actions  

Bizzare

I had a dream that was just like this, except it was real life and the unicorn was just somebody in a big furry costume and instead of feeding on it I was….wait, I’ve probably said too much already.

"Well, at least our players kept their helmets on, so that showed some intelligence"-Bob McNair

by papabear on Feb 24, 2010 3:02 PM CST reply actions   2 recs

Sadly....

…nobody here is surprised by your “dream.”

A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com

by bigfatdrunk on Feb 24, 2010 9:25 PM CST up reply actions  

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Feb 25, 2010 6:55 AM CST up reply actions  

Whatever

You know it was you and BFD in the unicorn costume….I’m not sure, but I think Shake was the front and BFD was the ass

"Well, at least our players kept their helmets on, so that showed some intelligence"-Bob McNair

by papabear on Feb 25, 2010 8:43 AM CST up reply actions  

Seriously though

I do have a feeling that Mario is going to be a man possessed next year and will be reigning down hate and discontent like a mother fucker on opposing QB’s next year

"Well, at least our players kept their helmets on, so that showed some intelligence"-Bob McNair

by papabear on Feb 24, 2010 3:04 PM CST reply actions  

WTF

…was that? Stick to hitting people Mario, your much better at that.

by JethroPig on Feb 24, 2010 4:03 PM CST reply actions  

Is Mario also...

Writing the next installment in the Twilight series?

P.S. That picture looks like he is urinating into his own mouth.

by peytonsurdaddy on Feb 24, 2010 6:23 PM CST reply actions   2 recs

Texans fan fic

Who knew?

A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com

by bigfatdrunk on Feb 24, 2010 9:25 PM CST up reply actions  

thats just him drinking TEARS.

Be judgmental about the actions of the past, be hopeful about the actions of the future. -The Homers Creed

by DaGoaT on Feb 25, 2010 8:04 AM CST up reply actions  

Awesome

And the unicorn was a perfect choice. If he killed minotaurs it just wouldn’t be the same.

by JimboTexan on Feb 24, 2010 7:41 PM CST reply actions  

one question grind...

Did you have another harry potter bender?


Go Texans!

by Taco Joe on Feb 24, 2010 9:52 PM CST reply actions  

I almost thought for a second you about to go into Bill Bellichick drinking unicorn blood…..

Schlauton

by Schlauton on Feb 24, 2010 10:11 PM CST reply actions  

WHEW

THERE WAS A DAY THAT I WISHED I HAD SOME OF WHAT HE IS SMOKIN

by hybreed on Feb 25, 2010 12:00 AM CST reply actions  

Big time falcons kush.

Im pretty sure he can fed ex you a couple of ounces.

by Jordann on Feb 25, 2010 1:00 PM CST up reply actions  

How I spent my offseason

I expect to read one of these for many other Texans players over the course of the next few months. Well done, TGC.

by BigTexBD on Feb 25, 2010 10:22 AM CST reply actions  

Next one should be on

Pollard and Cushing doing mercenary work over the offseason


Go Texans!

by Taco Joe on Feb 25, 2010 12:55 PM CST reply actions  

I like that idea

I’m going to run with it. Thanks!

I'll eliminate you like I eliminate gluten from my diet.

by tehGrindCrusher on Feb 25, 2010 11:24 PM CST via mobile up reply actions  

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