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How I Spent My Offseason, By Gary Kubiak

The fog rolls in with the bitter air from the North Sea.  I can barely see three feet in front of me.  I ram my hands into the pockets of my trench coat and pull it tighter.  It's useless, though.  The cold comes in from everywhere.  I grind my teeth and wait.  The London fog is so thick it makes the street lamp above my head look like a dying candle.  Every once in a while, a car drives by.  The headlights pass over me and I try to look casual.  The drivers are faceless, almost ghouls.

"Gary."

Suddenly, a hand taps me on the shoulder.  I try not to jump.  He has an amazing knack for seeming to appear out of nowhere

"Hi Bill."

Star-divide

"How are things with Rhonda?"

"They're... fine." 

Bastard.  He knows about her and Johnson.  And Brown.  Both Browns.  They all know.  At least Bill has the balls to come out and say it, unlike Fisher, that smug son of a bitch.

I reach into my coat pocket and pull out a flask.  Scotch whiskey.  Islay Malt, aged 18 years.  It burns on the way down, a glowing coal in my stomach.  

"Want a sip?"

Bill looks at me.  He doesn't say anything for what seems an eternity.  The warmth of the scotch in my stomach drains away.  I suddenly realize he's wearing glasses.  Underneath them, below the dark shadow cast by his fedora, his eyes narrow to slits.  I think he's going to fall asleep at first.  The awkward silence makes me want to reach for the flask again, but I can't bring myself to do it.

Bill takes his glasses off and carefully wipes them off on the inside of his tie.  

"I didn't know you wore glasses."

"Ran out of contact lens solution."

"Makes sense.  Why did you make me fly all the way out to London for this?"

"Tradecraft.  No one will recognize us here. Plus, I wanted to see Mama Mia! in the theater, just to see how it compares to the movie version, without Fisher finding out about it and calling me a homo."

"Pierce Brosnan can't sing for shit."

"Sure can't."

Another endless pause.  I'm beginning to wonder if he's narcoleptic or something.  A car drives by.

"Bill, I..."

"I know.  I couldn't imagine how Rhonda could manage to still walk after what she let Diles do to her with that eggbeater either."

"What the?!?"

"Never mind.  You've come here for the video, I presume?"

"Uhm, yes."

Eggbeater?  Diles?

Bill reaches into the pocket of his trench coat.  I notice that he's wearing a hoody with the Ravens logo underneath.  He pulls out a small compact disc.  He notices me looking at his hoody and quickly pulls his trenchcoat tight around him.

"I lost a bet.  My compensation?"

"Wired to your Cayman Islands account, as you asked.  You're sure this is real, right?  Not some poor-quality photoshop."

"It's the real thing."

"Really?"

A long pause.  For a moment I think I hear him snoring.  

"I mean, does this really have Peyton on it?"

"Yes."

"How can you tell he's the one wearing the gorilla mask?"

"He takes it off midway through the film.  We can't identify the one with the Tony the Tiger outfit, though.  The mask distorts the voice so much that we can't make it out."

"How did you get this?"

Across the street a couple of drunks stumble home, arguing loudly.  Something about Wayne being so crap that his best friend shagged his girl.  I shudder.  Bill doesn't answer.  He just looks at me.

I look down at the disc.  The dim light of the street lamp reflects off of it onto my face.  God, I look terrible.  I'm getting too old for this.

"Hey, Bill, what do you say we go get a drink somewhere..."

He's gone.  He disappeared as quietly as he appeared.  I have no idea how he does that.  It totally weirds me out.

"Bill?"  The fog absorbs my words.  There's no one out there.

I put the CD in an inner pocket of my coat.  For the first time in months, I feel good about things.  We will sweep the Colts this year.  We will make the playoffs.  

But what the hell was Diles doing to Rhonda with an eggbeater?

5 recs  |  Comment 25 comments |

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much needed laugh on a crappy day

thanks for that…. you always bring the heat.

totally unrelated nut im curious.

what about calling up CAR and trying to make a trade for dangelo williams. his contract is up after this year, and he might be able to be had for a third or next years second.

with him, slaton, and foster, i think we then focus on a CB and then interior line..

the panthers seem to be blowing it up and this kid has some real talent

"Its like a silk bag filled with puppy ears"

by Allen-OU on Mar 10, 2010 12:04 PM CST reply actions  

I'm beginning to wonder if he's narcoleptic or something.

Nice.

Also, whatever Diles was doing, you can bet he was doing it in a cost-effective manner.

texanphil is smart and I’m a retard.

" If CB is a big hole, Dunta was the shovel."
- Rivers McCown

by MDC on Mar 10, 2010 12:19 PM CST reply actions  

he was doing it great...

….

wait for it…

for a sixth rounder

Dunta's weightspeed was too low

by texanphil on Mar 10, 2010 2:47 PM CST up reply actions   1 recs

Underrated comment

texanphil is smart and I’m a retard.

" If CB is a big hole, Dunta was the shovel."
- Rivers McCown

by MDC on Mar 11, 2010 10:08 AM CST up reply actions  

Wow really?

Both Browns? i am just happy to see Dunta wasn’t in the action lol.


Go Texans!

by Taco Joe on Mar 10, 2010 12:25 PM CST reply actions  

Possible plot hole

Fisher had probably already been there to see Mama Mia! himself….

I suppose if all of the stars, moons and planets align it could be possible, but what are the chances of that?

by Rip Jersey on Mar 10, 2010 1:08 PM CST reply actions  

Rec'd tGC

Mainly for the use of Peightaun and some furry deviance.

Can’t wait to see the sequel of this story….

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Mar 10, 2010 1:17 PM CST reply actions  

2 thumbs up

i hope diles covered the egg beater with a condom

by b4theproffit on Mar 10, 2010 1:21 PM CST reply actions  

I'm starting to feel bad for Gary

Rhonda is a bigger ho than some of my friends x-wives.

"Well, at least our players kept their helmets on, so that showed some intelligence"-Bob McNair

by papabear on Mar 10, 2010 2:14 PM CST reply actions  

Wait....

When did Gary join the army? BMW’s FTW!!!!

[BMW= Big Military Wife, AKA: Dependasaurus]


Go Texans!

by Taco Joe on Mar 11, 2010 1:26 AM CST up reply actions  

So this time, it was all on Diles instead of Kubiak?

Interesting development. McClain is on this story like a fresh box of Shipley donuts.

by Stevie Wonder on Mar 10, 2010 3:16 PM CST reply actions  

You forgot to add the part where

Diles gets injured by doing absolutely nothing.

by Jordann on Mar 10, 2010 3:18 PM CST reply actions  

Or the part

Where Bob Sanders is in the video, injured in the background.

Rudimentary creatures of flesh and blood, you touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding.

by nolander on Mar 10, 2010 3:22 PM CST up reply actions  

spleen??

I would think he tore his ACL ringing the doorbell…


Go Texans!

by Taco Joe on Mar 11, 2010 1:27 AM CST up reply actions  

True

The spleen-rupture is a registered trademark of Chris Simms.

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Mar 11, 2010 7:54 AM CST up reply actions  

My favorite detail

Was the Ravens hoodie underneath the trenchcoat.

by JimboTexan on Mar 10, 2010 10:14 PM CST reply actions  

I think I saw the tape

of the Gangbang, Jacobi Jones kept screamin, “Yeah Wite gurlz luv lil JJ in dat butt!!!!”


Go Texans!

by Taco Joe on Mar 11, 2010 1:28 AM CST reply actions  

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