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Around SBN: The Most Dangerous Division in Sports

With Apologies To The Jackson 5

Ben
by:  Mike Kerns (with Kerns singing the parts of Jackie, Tito, Jermain, and Marlon in parentheses)

Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
I interviewed you on the phone
I'll never be alone
And, my friend, number forty-three
You've got a friend in me
(You've got a friend in me)

Ben, you should be running here and there
That hurt ankle means you won't be running anywhere
If you ever want to get away and don't have a place to stay
There's something you should know
You've got a place to go
(You've got a place to go)

I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us," now it's "we"

(I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us," now it's "we")

The SEC made you a tough fighter
Now you're my little Auburn Tiger
The others don't see you as I do
A Pro Bowler in a year or two
I'm sure they'd like a mulligan
But I just like a friend like Ben

(A friend) like Ben

(A friend) like Ben

Comment 58 comments  |  11 recs  | 

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I can't not rec this.

Bravo, sir!

"Lord, beer me strength."

by TexansDC on Aug 15, 2010 6:43 PM CDT reply actions  

Rec'd!

I had a song voice in my head as I read this

I am Sancho

by HoustonTransplant on Aug 15, 2010 6:50 PM CDT reply actions  

Rec'd

For obvious reasons.

"I'm just looking forward to something great happening in the city of Houston" - Tracy McGrady

Still waiting...

by DreKeem on Aug 15, 2010 6:57 PM CDT reply actions  

If There's Another Thing That's Guaranteed To Draw A Rec From Me

It’s 90s music. Parodies or not.

Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...

by Tim on Aug 15, 2010 8:55 PM CDT up reply actions  

taking the Bryan##### hiatus?

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Aug 15, 2010 7:21 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions   1 recs

Who shot a 75 at hermann today. I did

And walked off the course to this and laughed. Then read previous post and cried

Ladell betts anyone. I say go with the four we have

by AllenOU on Aug 15, 2010 7:31 PM CDT via mobile reply actions  

I hate you

For shooting 75 at Hermann.

I'll eliminate you like I eliminate gluten from my diet.
www.battleredblog.com

by tehGrindCrusher on Aug 16, 2010 1:13 AM CDT up reply actions  

If we're talking 90s, you couldn't do any better than one of the most underappreciated bands of the time (from Texas, no less)

I think we can just use all of Tyler by the Toadies. It works great all by itself. Just change ‘him’ to ‘her’ and ‘she’ to ‘he.’

And he runs through his days with a smile on his face
And he runs, and he waits, and I wait

We can drive to anyplace, day or night, across the state
And in the morning, into Mexico, we will wake up

I find a window in the kitchen, and I let myself in
Rummage through the refrigerator, find myself a beer
I can’t believe I’m really here, and he’s lying in that bed
I can almost feel his touch, and his anxious breath!

I stumble in the hallway, outside the bedroom door
I hear him call out to me, I hear the fear in his voice
He pulls the covers tighter, I press against the door

I will be with him tonight!

I'll eliminate you like I eliminate gluten from my diet.
www.battleredblog.com

by tehGrindCrusher on Aug 16, 2010 1:20 AM CDT reply actions   2 recs

No kidding

Seems more like a paean written by LDJA12 to Radio.

/shudders/

A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com

by bigfatdrunk on Aug 16, 2010 8:04 AM CDT up reply actions   1 recs

It does sound like his voice, doesn't it?

I'll eliminate you like I eliminate gluten from my diet.
www.battleredblog.com

by tehGrindCrusher on Aug 16, 2010 10:22 AM CDT up reply actions  

dude!

This might be ruining one of my favorite songs…

/the Toadies fuckin’ RULE!

by grungedave on Aug 16, 2010 11:58 AM CDT up reply actions  

One of the best bands of the 90s.

And most underrated.

I'll eliminate you like I eliminate gluten from my diet.
www.battleredblog.com

by tehGrindCrusher on Aug 16, 2010 12:54 PM CDT up reply actions  

One of the best bands of the 90s.

And most underrated.

I'll eliminate you like I eliminate gluten from my diet.
www.battleredblog.com

by tehGrindCrusher on Aug 16, 2010 12:54 PM CDT up reply actions  

Shake started a huge fucking brawl/riot at a Toadies concert when we we're in high School

"Well, at least our players kept their helmets on, so that showed some intelligence"-Bob McNair

by papabear on Aug 16, 2010 1:48 PM CDT up reply actions  

I don't remember how it started

…I just know that somehow he was involved. For some reason him and his date weren’t on speaking turns so I was with my date and his. I had to throw one girl on each shoulder to get them out of all the bullshit and then find Shake.

"Well, at least our players kept their helmets on, so that showed some intelligence"-Bob McNair

by papabear on Aug 16, 2010 2:14 PM CDT up reply actions  

Wait a minute

You threw two chicks over your shoulder, walked out with them, and the returned to find a dude?

Really?

I'll eliminate you like I eliminate gluten from my diet.
www.battleredblog.com

by tehGrindCrusher on Aug 16, 2010 3:34 PM CDT up reply actions   1 recs

just got them out of the way

then made sure Shake was alive

"Well, at least our players kept their helmets on, so that showed some intelligence"-Bob McNair

by papabear on Aug 16, 2010 3:40 PM CDT up reply actions  

FAIL.

I'll eliminate you like I eliminate gluten from my diet.
www.battleredblog.com

by tehGrindCrusher on Aug 17, 2010 4:31 AM CDT up reply actions  

Equation

17 years old + (vicodin * alcohol) + 1996 mosh pit = pushed some douchbag into the mosh pit where he bumped into a large SoB who was pissed about it, thus starting a mosh brawl

I walked right out of the pit toward where Papabear was. Laughing. It was hilarious.

Also, Toadies + The Hunger in concert for about $8 FTW

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Aug 16, 2010 5:23 PM CDT up reply actions  

Joke's on you

14 years later and you’re the one in the walking cast. Ha! Sucker.

Oh, and add The Hunger to the list of people I went to high school with/worked with. Impressed yet?

"I like watching the old naked couple on public access...until the guy stands up, then it sux." ~ BFD

by LoneSpot on Aug 16, 2010 6:06 PM CDT up reply actions   1 recs

Injury was about a month after this concert

And I hate you.

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Aug 17, 2010 8:29 AM CDT up reply actions  

Like Matt almost dying....

I will enjoy this running gag forever

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Aug 16, 2010 5:24 PM CDT up reply actions  

Will never, ever get old

Ever.

A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com

by bigfatdrunk on Aug 16, 2010 6:14 PM CDT up reply actions  

???

Did he try to hit on Lisa the bass player?

Is that why she broke up the band??

by grungedave on Aug 16, 2010 3:33 PM CDT up reply actions  

Maybe his girl did?

I'll eliminate you like I eliminate gluten from my diet.
www.battleredblog.com

by tehGrindCrusher on Aug 16, 2010 3:34 PM CDT up reply actions  

That would eliminated being pissed at her

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Aug 16, 2010 5:24 PM CDT up reply actions  

*would've

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Aug 16, 2010 5:24 PM CDT up reply actions  

I think this was their reunion tour after they dissapeared for a few years

It was in Port Arthur so you know it wasn’t when they we’re at their height of popularity

"Well, at least our players kept their helmets on, so that showed some intelligence"-Bob McNair

by papabear on Aug 16, 2010 3:39 PM CDT up reply actions  

SAT time!

Musician:Playing in Port Arthur::Actor:Dancing with the Stars

A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com

by bigfatdrunk on Aug 16, 2010 3:45 PM CDT up reply actions  

We're so old.

Analogies no longer in the SAT. [mourns lost youth]

"I like watching the old naked couple on public access...until the guy stands up, then it sux." ~ BFD

by LoneSpot on Aug 16, 2010 6:08 PM CDT up reply actions  

oh, but someone mentioned "high school"...

I recently had a 23 year old kid refer to the Toadies as “oldies” in my presence. The fact that this kid is still alive and not eating through a straw can only be attributed to the fact that I was very, very drunk.

by grungedave on Aug 16, 2010 3:48 PM CDT up reply actions  

im 24

and love the Toadies. that kid was just a loser that listened to some 104.1 KRBE Sam Malone shit

by theSpaceCityKid on Aug 18, 2010 10:20 AM CDT up reply actions  

Am I the only one that thought this was a little creepy?

Or a lot? Is the next song going to be to the tune of Goodbye Horses (from the Buffalo Bill dancing scene in Silence of the Lambs)? Sorry man, maybe it’s just me.

by TexanSchmackDown on Aug 16, 2010 1:48 AM CDT reply actions  

The thought of MDC applying make-up and dancing in front of a video camera

with his mons…..no, it’s not just you.

I suppose if all of the stars, moons and planets align it could be possible, but what are the chances of that?

by Rip Jersey on Aug 16, 2010 10:26 AM CDT up reply actions  

you're all picturing this in your minds right now as you read this, I know you are....

I suppose if all of the stars, moons and planets align it could be possible, but what are the chances of that?

by Rip Jersey on Aug 16, 2010 10:28 AM CDT up reply actions  

It puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again!

"An open mind is like a fortress with it's gates unbarred and unguarded."

What happens when an unstoppable force meets three defensive players? THIS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpWqMqrZwTU

by TexansForever on Aug 16, 2010 11:41 AM CDT up reply actions  

Awesome

If the Treasury Secretary doesn't have to pay taxes, then why do I?

by Shake on Aug 16, 2010 10:43 AM CDT up reply actions  

Matt

You really think pushing all this attention to me gets you off of the Morlon Express?

Not even close, sir.

by Mike Kerns on Aug 16, 2010 11:53 AM CDT up reply actions  

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