As I sit down at the conference table I can feel all eyes on me. I let out a deep breath so my manly voice can be heard by my adoring fans, "I know this will be a controversial decision but after a great testimony by many doctors and Bob Mcnair I have come to realize that all ya’ll slandering mufuckers be tripping, Cushing ain’t got no sterroids and you know it."
"Cushing’s suspension is OVERTURNED!" Bob Mcnair wildly exclaims, out of turn.
I stare at Bob with the intensity of a thousand me's, I hate it when people interrupt my fine speeches and damn sexy body someone of MY greatness should be allowed to speak. I could see the fear of Mr. Mcnair, he knows full well what happens in my "meetings". I look back at my enraptured crowd as cool as a cucumber, masking the devious dreams of anguish I wished for him.
"As I was saying, ya mufuckers be trippin', as I was told by these piss scientists that Cushing has an oversized Pituitary gland or maybe the Thyroid, I dunno they is the smart ones. So, as Bob already said I have come to realize Cushing is an all natural, un-godly beast and that this mandatory suspension is overturned". I allow myself a few touches of my manly self in congratulations of my clear thinking, for which all know me for. Alas, I must give up the podium to Bob, for he wants to speak.
"Wah, wah, wah wah wah, blee bloo blah"
I barely listen to him as I stare at the reflection of myself in my hidden wrist-mirror that I always wear. I wait for what seems an hour as Bob finishes up. I do however listen to Brian Cushing's praises of me, as if they are silk sheets draped upon my lovely figure.
"Umm, I wanna thank Roger Goodell for actually listening and deciding that my case is special and should not be punished"
Of course they could have been better, but praise is praise.
Finally this dreaded conference ends and now I can go back to my study. I get back to my house and stare at my body, a body so perfect only someone like me could create it. I give myself a hearty pat on the butt and look back at what happened today....