If This Doesn't Work, Just Drink Heavily - Or Just Do That Regardless

by Vega on Oct 11, 2011 9:21 AM CDT in General BRB Idiocy

"Is Andre still hurt?"
"Yes"
"Is Andre still hurt?"
"Yes"
"Is Andre still hurt?".....

I thought about writing a summary of the game. I thought about writing about that last play. I thought about writing that once Schaub left the pocket he had to try to make a play because there was no guarantee that he would have enough time for a second attempt (remember, he doesn't have the luxury of looking at the clock during the play). I thought about writing that for the entire game, it looked like Jacoby Jones was just not helping his quarterback and how he was drifting away from the play and not getting open. I thought about writing that the Texans still managed a really good pass rush after Mario went out.

But then I started to read the comments here on BRB. I agreed with some, disagreed with others, got mad at a few, and nodded emphatically at others. Then I realized that the last thing Texans fans needed is another analysis as to why we had to witness another painful loss.

Instead, in an effort to ease the pain a little and because I have nothing but love for our loyal readers, here are ten things to raise the spirits of Texans fans.

The remaining teams on the Texans schedule have gone 22-31 so far this season for a 0.415 winning percentage.
The quarterbacks for those remaining teams are Joe Flacco, Matt Hasselbeck, Blaine Gabbert, Colt McCoy, Josh Freeman, Blaine Gabbert, Matt Ryan, Andy Dalton, Cam Newton, Curtis Painter, and Jake Locker (I'm assuming Hasselbeck will be hurt by week 17). That list includes five rookies, one second year player, and Curtis Painter. Sure some of those guys can have big days, but if you could hand pick the remaining quarterbacks to play, it would be tough to make a better list.
My best understanding of the word "moderation" in this article is that it means "whatever is necessary, but no fewer than 10 per day."
In two and a half games, Arian Foster has more rushing yards than Chris Johnson has all season. He also has more receiving yards.
Quote from Gary Kubiak's Monday press conference regarding Andre's availability this week: "I don’t know. We’ll see where he’s at each and every week. As of right now, the soreness has went away, his rehab has picked up, so we’ll see where he’s at each day."
This.
Sage Rosenfels and Steve Slaton are now members of the Miami Dolphins. Future Dolphins include Petey Faggins, Shaun Cody, Jacoby Jones, and Andrew Luck.
I know this isn't exactly "new", but there's no way you can browse this site and not laugh.
The Jaguars are apparently looking for other punting options to compete with Matt Turk.
Lastly, this.

I hope this makes your day at least a little bit better.

Tweet Comment 64 comments | 10 recs |

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Comments

FIRST

thing i would like to say is, yeah were 3 and 2. We beat a team in the Super Bowl last year, and lost to a Super Bowl contender in New Orleans this year. We were in both games we lost. Possessing the ball on the final drive of both games, and being beat by a touchdown or less both games. WERE NOT IN A BAD SITUATION. We are actually in a pretty decent situation IMO

PUT IT ALL BEHIND US!! LEARN, AND MOVE ON! LETS GET AT BALTIMORE NEXT WEEK AND COME OUT WITH A WIN!

by Carter Liles on Oct 11, 2011 9:29 AM CDT reply actions

Except that our best offensive player has a mystery injury that may have already miraculously healed

And our best defensive player is out for the season.

I’m still optimistic, but I’ve been given pause.

by Karsh on Oct 11, 2011 9:55 AM CDT up reply actions

That helped a ton, thanks Vega!

My two favorite points you provided are:

Frank Bush – LB coach for Titans ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL!!!!
Jacoby Jones – future Dolphin (can he head there this week please?!!)

I did some film review late last night and discovered our biggest weakness/threat is a guy named Wade Smith (74) at Left Guard who hates 3rd down conversions. He must see them as his way to get off the field and enjoy a nice nap, because he was so bad he owns at least half of our failed 3rd down conversions due to being out of position for screen blocks, allowing his defender to press and tip passes (there are techniques to keep a DL from being willing or able to do this), sliding into Foster and Schaub, and just flat out getting killed all day. Here’s the punch list:

http://www.battleredblog.com/2011/10/10/2480389/the-shifting-polarity-of-matt-schaub#79906702

Texans 2011 Defense is evolving into an epic force to be reckoned with. I dub thee "Bayou Blitz" !!

by MeMongo on Oct 11, 2011 9:31 AM CDT reply actions

Keep an eye on him.

From what i see, he is usually pretty solid. I will more than happily write it off as one bad game, but keep an eye on him and see if he continues to allow pressure.

PUT IT ALL BEHIND US!! LEARN, AND MOVE ON! LETS GET AT BALTIMORE NEXT WEEK AND COME OUT WITH A WIN!

by Carter Liles on Oct 11, 2011 9:34 AM CDT up reply actions

On Bush

His bio page for the Titans only has this to say about his time as Texans’ DC:

As defensive coordinator in 2009, the Texans established new franchise lows for fewest points allowed per game (20.8) and yards allowed per game (324.9); in both 2009 and 2010, Houston yielded the two lowest rushing yardage totals in their franchise’s history. Under his direction, Houston saw the emergence of Mario Williams and DeMeco Ryans into Pro Bowl players and Brian Cushing earned Defensive Rookie of the Year in 2009. His first two years with the Texans, Bush was the senior defensive assistant and worked primarily with the defensive line.

Um… I think you left something out.

by Vega on Oct 11, 2011 12:20 PM CDT up reply actions

Fixed

Future Dolphins include Petey Faggins, Shaun Cody, Jacoby Jones, and ~~Andrew~~ Oliver Luck.

Blind fandom is all I got left.
"Down to clown with some other chick's lady bits" ~ MDC

by Lone Spot on Oct 11, 2011 10:01 AM CDT reply actions

Matt Turk didn't miracly get younger and better in the offseason?

whoda thunk?

Watch me all in flames, on a butterfly I ride

by nolander on Oct 11, 2011 10:14 AM CDT reply actions

Losing Mario sucks

But if I had to choose either him or AJ to lose for the season I would choose him. I think our D can survive much better with Reed/Barwin then our O could with Jones/Walter. I still think our D will be “good enough” for us to get to the playoffs, as long as we don’t lose anyone else.

"Never underestimate the dumb with JJ" - Hugh Jarce

by Mumford on Oct 11, 2011 10:23 AM CDT reply actions

Can we please get back to the Schaub is the Anti-Christ thing?

All this positivity is making me feel odd!

"Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway" - Ancient Chinese Proverb

by Hugh Jarce on Oct 11, 2011 10:26 AM CDT reply actions 1 recs

Haven't even read it

but I had to give a rec just for the caption. lmao

You cannot imagine the immensity of f**k I do not give.

by CowboyH8ter on Oct 11, 2011 10:39 AM CDT reply actions

/nutt'd?

by anthonymgarcia on Oct 11, 2011 10:42 AM CDT up reply actions

Anti-nutt'd

Let's all panic, slit our wrists , fire the coach, fire the quarterback BECAUSE OMG WE LOST A GAME!!!!!!1111!!!!111!!!!

by Barryfromtexas on Oct 11, 2011 11:30 AM CDT up reply actions

Yes.

That seems more appropriate.

by anthonymgarcia on Oct 11, 2011 11:37 AM CDT up reply actions

Interested

In seeing if Wade actually has more flexibility with Brooks in at OLB as far as disguising blitz and coverage schemes. Then again, Brooks is a converted DE too, so who knows. Keeping fingers crossed….oh by the way, love the site! Been lurking until I got the feel of the posts. First one.

by JMFC on Oct 11, 2011 11:12 AM CDT reply actions 12 recs

Welcome

Newb rec

Dallas Cowboys, all hat and no cattle since 1996.

by Jonathan Fosburgh on Oct 11, 2011 11:18 AM CDT up reply actions

Welcome, JMFC

Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...

by Tim on Oct 11, 2011 1:14 PM CDT up reply actions

rec'd for drinking heavily

so much negativity on brb so far this week, you’d think the Texans just got eliminated from the playoff picture, it’s not that bad, really. optimism and beer!!

did I type that outloud? oops.

by Chrxtopher on Oct 11, 2011 11:13 AM CDT reply actions

Thanks for the link

in number 8 now I have wasted 30 minutes reading about the emails between him and the snowboard shop laughing

"Taco Joe - the beacon of optimism" TexansDC
THEREALALLENOU: "@Joeeatstacos... You're like the second testicle to my Tom green. I dont NEED you, but life is better when your around lol"
AllenOU is the Montgomery to my Patton
God blessed Texas, but he has forsaken the Texans

by Taco Joe on Oct 11, 2011 11:18 AM CDT reply actions

Unfortunately, he doesn't update it regularly

but even reading the old stuff is awesome.

You have to be careful though. You can lose hours there before you notice they’ve gone by.

by Vega on Oct 11, 2011 11:35 AM CDT up reply actions

that may be one of the funniest things I've ever read!

PUT IT ALL BEHIND US!! LEARN, AND MOVE ON! LETS GET AT BALTIMORE NEXT WEEK AND COME OUT WITH A WIN!

by Carter Liles on Oct 11, 2011 11:35 AM CDT up reply actions

Totally agree

That website is amazing, and I detect a certain influence on the way you post. Thanks for sharing.

Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
Never use a long word where a short one will do.
If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
Never use the passive where you can use the active.
Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

-Orwell, Politics and the English Language

www.battleredblog.com

by tehGrindCrusher on Oct 11, 2011 12:00 PM CDT up reply actions

I literally LOL'd at work when I got to this pic

"Never underestimate the dumb with JJ" - Hugh Jarce

by Mumford on Oct 11, 2011 12:44 PM CDT up reply actions 3 recs

That's one of the best ones

The spider one is pretty good too

by Vega on Oct 11, 2011 1:21 PM CDT up reply actions

Same!

that one was the best of what I have read so far. The reward part was pretty funny too

by ketchuppants7 on Oct 11, 2011 1:37 PM CDT up reply actions

how bout

by Taco Joe on Oct 11, 2011 6:04 PM CDT up reply actions

I hurt myself laughing at that one.

by LedTexan on Oct 11, 2011 6:46 PM CDT up reply actions

concerned..

but haven’t given up.
but i will no longer talk shit in the barbershop about the texans.
hell..
i may even grow an afro until we get a winning streak going again.

"my momma was the Mike Vick of ass whuppin. side arm delivery, no wasted motion.. and very mobile." - @doobieman21

youtube/chrisdogan

by chrisd21 on Oct 11, 2011 11:37 AM CDT reply actions

Smoke

@THEREALALLENOU on twitter - "The man, the verb, the legend" OU'd

by AllenOU on Oct 11, 2011 11:41 AM CDT via mobile up reply actions

Smoke. More. Weed.

The end

@THEREALALLENOU on twitter - "The man, the verb, the legend" OU'd

by AllenOU on Oct 11, 2011 11:42 AM CDT via mobile up reply actions

1) Grow afro.

2) Post pictures.
3) ????
4) Profit.

-Orwell, Politics and the English Language

www.battleredblog.com

by tehGrindCrusher on Oct 11, 2011 12:01 PM CDT up reply actions

the ???? is the easy part.

and the clouds opened up and God said "I Hate you Texans Fans."

Our Andre, who art from Heaven, hallowed by thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Canton.

by Joe25 on Oct 11, 2011 12:32 PM CDT up reply actions

Great Post Vega

Sometimes the obvious is overlooked!

Let's all panic, slit our wrists , fire the coach, fire the quarterback BECAUSE OMG WE LOST A GAME!!!!!!1111!!!!111!!!!

by Barryfromtexas on Oct 11, 2011 11:45 AM CDT reply actions

Vega, you are a wise man.

That post actually helped a lot, though you can expect a beating from the haters.

It’s funny how, when everyone makes up their preseason W-L projections, they’ll put a L down for this or that game like it’s no big deal. But when the loss really happens in real time and it consists of real plays that get screwed up by crappy execution and we have to watch it, and we have to wait a whole week for any redemption—then that loss seems like a much bigger deal. And I’m not excusing it, but it’s over…and I’m not going to project last week on all remaining 11 games. If they lose six in a row, that’s a different story, but we’re not there yet.

Exit question, based on the five games so far, who is more valuable to the defense—J Joseph or Mario? (I’m leaning toward Joseph, and I’m a Mario fan.)

by Jeff S. on Oct 11, 2011 12:14 PM CDT reply actions

Flagged for two reasons

1. You took me to the Titans website.
2. You made me look at Frank Bush’s face.
bastard.

and the clouds opened up and God said "I Hate you Texans Fans."

Our Andre, who art from Heaven, hallowed by thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Canton.

by Joe25 on Oct 11, 2011 12:31 PM CDT reply actions

Were we not meant to win?

This is our year with Peyton out and our three best players get hurt at three different times. Mario is out for the year, Andre may be back this week or next and Arian was out for three games. What’s next, Brian will be out or Schaub will go down? This will be a tough year to win for us.

by astrosfan3 on Oct 11, 2011 12:37 PM CDT reply actions

every year is a tough one for us.

injuries happen, players get worse, players get better. what this team has to do is to mature and became used to closing out games. we need them to be confident in winning. not just saying that they will but truly believing that they can.

i think we are fine. most predicted a 10-6 season so all the texans have to do is go 7-4 the rest of the way. i think that’s pretty manageable.

I also believe that with mario going down, wade will be much more creative with this defense than he was before. now he will have four linebackers who can cover and stop the run. i’m more excited now than i was before.

- Feeling the five stages of grief since 2002.

"It's either gonna make you a man or a coward. One of the two. I'm a be a man. I ain't never seen a coward, heard a coward, coward not in ma vocabulary." - Lawrence Vickers

by NoSafetiesNeeded on Oct 11, 2011 12:44 PM CDT up reply actions

I predicted 12-4

so we can afford two more looses

by Taco Joe on Oct 11, 2011 12:51 PM CDT up reply actions

I have Texans

@ 11-5 and Titans @ 9-7. We are toootally fine. Even IF we lose this weekend we are in the clear. Make no mistake, this IS the year we make the playoffs.

by Texan5513 on Oct 11, 2011 12:55 PM CDT up reply actions

Me thinks

When Peyton went down, I thought 11-5, legit. And that was taking into account at least one game where they don’t even get off the bus, llike Tenn last year and Oakland two years ago. We still can go 9-7 and win this division. I get just as upset as anyone else about a close loss, but by Tuesday, I’m looking big picture. No one will care aboout Oakland when they pop the top on that first home playoff game here in a few months. It’s gonna be insane.

by JMFC on Oct 11, 2011 1:32 PM CDT up reply actions

We may see those Raiders again this season. Looking at that divsion they have a good shot at winning it and going to the playoffs.

by jkcheng122 on Oct 11, 2011 3:45 PM CDT up reply actions

the good thing is

The last half of this schedule is more favorable than this first half. What worries me is these next two weeks, going on the road against Baltimore and then against a division opponent. Worst case, if both are losses, they come home against another division opponent at 3-4. I just hope they have the balls to recover and go on a stretch of wins that puts them in a good position going into the final weeks of the season. I know we can at least bank on seeing them in that “still in contention” graphic every week as they’ve done for quite a while now. _

"We're goin with what we got"

by silentassassin on Oct 11, 2011 1:18 PM CDT reply actions

I know this is a little off topic

but im currently watching the MNF game, How did these refs get to be in this game??? After embarrassing themselves last week trying to get the Steelers a win, the league let’s them ref a primetime game. I have only watched a quarter so far but Clete Blakeman is a joke of an official. He clearly loves the bears and steelers.

by Jibska on Oct 11, 2011 1:33 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs

I do have to see great writeup vega.

I like your thinking of the remaning Qb’s we play. I too for some reason think with Reed in we become my of a unpreditcable Defense. I just wonder if reed comes out on fire does that mean we let mario walk at the end of the year?

by southpaw70 on Oct 11, 2011 1:36 PM CDT reply actions

This is our New Linebacker crew.

DeMeco Ryans 6 ft 1in 247 lb ran a 4.65 40
Brian Cushing 6 ft 3 in 248 lb ran a 4.57 40
Brooks Reed 6 ft 3 in 250 Ib ran a 4.65 40
Connor Barwin 6 ft 4 in 260Ib ran a 4.71 40

by southpaw70 on Oct 11, 2011 2:00 PM CDT reply actions

Do we swoon now or at the end of the season when they all go to the pro bowl?

Loving it!

Texans 2011 Defense is evolving into an epic force to be reckoned with. I dub thee "Bayou Blitz" !!

by MeMongo on Oct 11, 2011 3:14 PM CDT up reply actions

For comparison

Mario’s numbers?

Dallas Cowboys, all hat and no cattle since 1996.

by Jonathan Fosburgh on Oct 11, 2011 3:17 PM CDT up reply actions

6'6" 285 and 4.6x i believe

by jkcheng122 on Oct 11, 2011 3:35 PM CDT up reply actions

but "softer" and injury prone =P

Texans 2011 Defense is evolving into an epic force to be reckoned with. I dub thee "Bayou Blitz" !!

by MeMongo on Oct 11, 2011 4:29 PM CDT up reply actions

lots of high picks there

Watch me all in flames, on a butterfly I ride

by nolander on Oct 11, 2011 4:49 PM CDT up reply actions

That is true

by southpaw70 on Oct 11, 2011 10:25 PM CDT up reply actions

you know what gets me is that Brooks reed is the same age as Barwin

by southpaw70 on Oct 11, 2011 10:26 PM CDT up reply actions

Now I laughed

From: George Lewis
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: tarded

Ive deleted you from my facebook and reported you. i hope you die of aids fag. Dont bothering emailing me again becasue I wont read it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7.12pm
To: George Lewis
Subject: dneck

Yes you will.

From: George Lewis
Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7.16pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: dneck

No I fucking wont fag

2 Defensive Scores are in the Karma Bag
"Wade aid has lean in it, just saying"

by WreckNTexan on Oct 11, 2011 2:01 PM CDT reply actions

by jkcheng122 on Oct 11, 2011 3:30 PM CDT reply actions

Tough call.

But if I were him, I’d certainly list, “kept opponents under 40 points per game despite Kareem Jackson and Eugene Wilson” under accomplishments.

by Nashmeister on Oct 11, 2011 3:56 PM CDT up reply actions

Fixed

"kept opponents under 40 points per game despite Kareem Jackson and Eugene Wilson. Never mind the fact that Kareem Jackson was hand picked by me to save my ass. Pay no attention to that fact. It only gets in the way of my accomplishment(s)."

Blind fandom is all I got left.
"Down to clown with some other chick's lady bits" ~ MDC

by Lone Spot on Oct 11, 2011 4:16 PM CDT up reply actions