Battle Red Onion: Texans Wide Receiver Haunted By Mysterious Specter

by UprootedTexan on Oct 12, 2011 9:40 PM CDT in Battle Red Onion

Geez, Jacoby, you look like you've seen a ghost or something!

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October 12, 2011

Houston, Texas

Texans wide receiver Jacoby Jones played like a man possessed on Sunday; and not in a good way. The New Orleans native was held to one catch out of 11 passes thrown his way. While Texans fans have grown tired of his butter fingers and his knack for getting key fumbles, Some sources suggest that last week's performance may not have been entirely his fault.

"Thought I was seein' things out there," the battling wide receiver told an interpreter for the Battle Red Onion, "This weird scowlin' guy wearing nothin' but black, he kept poppin' up around me when I'm about to do my thing. I got that first catch in and bam, that weird old guy started showin' up. He looked kinda like Al Davis."

Turned out it was the late Raiders owner who was giving Jones fits on the field. However, Jones claims that he wasn't frightened by the ghost of Al Davis making random appearances. "Shoot, no, man. I'm from New Orleans, there's all kind of weird shi--I mean stuff that goes on down there, man. I seen stuff down there that'd turn you white. Al Davis is scary but he ain't that scary.

Regardless, the 12th phantom on the field proved to be more than Jones could handle Sunday. Al Davis' ghost seemed rather pleased with himself afterward.

"So I went up to the Pearly Gates, right? And there's Pete sittin' on a cloud looking all full of himself and (expletive)," said Davis in his thick Bronx accent, "I finally get to the front of the line and he's talkin' all kinds of trash about my Raiders, turned out he was a Saints fan. Anyway, I ask him to let me in as politely as I've ever asked anybody to do anything in my...um...afterlife because the Raiders game's about to start. Pete tells me that the Raiders game ain't on up here. So I say eff that, I'm gonna get a up-close look at the game. And I did."

When asked why he focused so much on Jacoby Jones instead of other players like Arian Foster or Owen Daniels, the decedent simply said, "Simple. Jones is the fastest guy on the team. Obviously anyone who knows anything knows that the fastest guy on the team is also the best player on the team. My favorite part was that last play. I must've vanished and reappeared more times than Jacob freakin' Marley on that one play alone. At that point he was so freaked out that he kept tryin' to run away from me like a scared little girl. You thought Jones' double moves in the end zone were intentional, there? Ha! I kill me sometimes."

Monday morning, anonymous sources claimed that Jones asked coach Gary Kubiak if the grounds crew at Reliant Stadium could do anything to prevent Davis from causing future problems for Texans players, particularly since this spirit seemed to haunt only speedsters.

"He seemed genuinely shook up by the whole mess, and frankly, that's on me, I should have had the field exorcised years ago to prevent such a thing. But since those kinds of activities are costly, Rick [Smith] and I figured out a way to keep Al Davis from ever haunting Jacoby Jones again."

The following night, the Texans traded for Derrick Mason.

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Comments

So THAT's why they brought Holliday back.

Sort of an Al Davis haunting sink.

by Karsh on Oct 12, 2011 9:50 PM CDT reply actions

Haha..love it

by steelblue on Oct 12, 2011 9:54 PM CDT reply actions

Ha!

Hilarious

by RaY210 on Oct 12, 2011 10:02 PM CDT reply actions

Awesome.

And there’s Pete sittin’ on a cloud looking all full of himself and (expletive)," said Davis in his thick Bronx accent, "I finally get to the front of the line and he’s talkin’ all kinds of trash about my Raiders, turned out he was a Saints fan

He didn’t become a fan till 2006 though.

Canal Street Chronicles-A place of great Saints news and information. Oh and the stuff I write!
Bring back Aaron Brooks! He's the only one who can save us from the evil that is Drew Brees!!

by Jon Banks on Oct 12, 2011 10:29 PM CDT reply actions

Peter's a bandwagon fan! Oh snap

"It was like the Alamo!"

by BabyBeezy03 on Oct 12, 2011 11:05 PM CDT up reply actions

has anyone seen this

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Video-Raiders-had-10-men-on-the-field-for-game-?urn=nfl-wp9357

and the clouds opened up and God said "I Hate you Texans Fans."

Our Andre, who art from Heaven, hallowed by thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Canton.

by Joe25 on Oct 12, 2011 11:37 PM CDT reply actions

We've all heard about it by now

Murphy’s 20th Military Law:
If it’s stupid, but it works, it ain’t stupid
"Fuck em all. Go Texans."

by The Night Owl on Oct 13, 2011 3:46 AM CDT up reply actions

lol

they only had 10 and Schaub still managed to find one of them for a TD..

by leacheatsbabies on Oct 13, 2011 10:41 AM CDT up reply actions

nice!

you had me going for a second and shit….!

by Danpassurweenie on Oct 13, 2011 5:48 AM CDT reply actions

Jacoby Jones

Jacoby Jones, American football wide receiver for the Houston Texans of the National Football League.

http://www.aabout.biz/2011/10/jacoby-jones.html

by Mariano Karesty on Oct 13, 2011 6:45 AM CDT reply actions

Heh

This one is golden.

the battling wide receiver told an interpreter for the Battle Red Onion

Of course you would need one

Let's all panic, slit our wrists , fire the coach, fire the quarterback BECAUSE OMG WE LOST A GAME!!!!!!1111!!!!111!!!!

by Barryfromtexas on Oct 13, 2011 9:52 AM CDT reply actions

LOL. According to Davis's speed logic,

Schaub would be the worst player on the Texans.

by MeSoLongHorny on Oct 13, 2011 11:01 AM CDT reply actions

Was i the only one who

thought he wrote down sphincter, not spector?

- Feeling the five stages of grief since 2002.

"It's either gonna make you a man or a coward. One of the two. I'm a be a man. I ain't never seen a coward, heard a coward, coward not in ma vocabulary." - Lawrence Vickers

by NoSafetiesNeeded on Oct 13, 2011 7:15 PM CDT reply actions

DUMBEST ARTICLE EVER

I DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE BABBLING ABOUT, THIS IS THE DUMBEST ARTICLE IVE EVER READ IN MY LIFE. WE ARE ALL DUMBER FOR HAVING READ IT. I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE, AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL. SO I GUESS THAT MAKES ONLY IDIOTS, STEERS, AND QUEERS, COME FROM TEXAS

by Rob Nielsen on Oct 13, 2011 10:42 PM CDT reply actions

LOL

You made me laugh.

Canal Street Chronicles-A place of great Saints news and information. Oh and the stuff I write!
Bring back Aaron Brooks! He's the only one who can save us from the evil that is Drew Brees!!

by Jon Banks on Oct 13, 2011 11:50 PM CDT up reply actions

Sort of nutt'd

but read?

lulz

Let's all panic, slit our wrists , fire the coach, fire the quarterback BECAUSE OMG WE LOST A GAME!!!!!!1111!!!!111!!!!

by Barryfromtexas on Oct 14, 2011 9:02 AM CDT up reply actions

reverse nutt'd ?

Texans 2011 Defense is evolving into an epic force to be reckoned with. I dub thee "Bayou Blitz" !!

by MeMongo on Oct 14, 2011 3:00 PM CDT up reply actions

I AGREE

THIS ARTICLE IS OBVIOUSLY THE WORST THING EVER. WHY DOES IT HAVE NO FACTS AND TALK ABOUT COOL STUFF AND STUFF? I AM NOW DUMBERER AFTER READING IT. THANKS A LOT BUTTFACE. I WAS ALREADY A BORDERLINE MORAN AND NOW I AM FULL MORAN.
I LIKE TURTLES. WHY DOES MY BELLY BUTTON SMELL LIKE MUSTARD?

I must rule with eye and claw — as the hawk among lesser birds.
-Duke Leto Atreides

by peytonsurdaddy on Oct 14, 2011 5:19 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs