The Unbearable Powerfulness of Ranking (Part the Second)

Prior to Week 1, I put together a power ranking of the teams in the AFC South.  With a quarter of the season gone, it's time to take another look at how the teams in that division stack up.  Yet, as I mentioned in the first post, the problem with traditional power rankings is that there is no context given; the rankings imply that each team is one "spot" better than the team below them and one "spot" worse than the team above, but they don't define what each spot means.

And that, friends (and Titans fans), is what I am here to do.  To keep things fresh around here, I've changed up the other 16 items on the list.  You're welcome.  After the jump, the updated AFC South power rankings.

Crispy_bacon_1_medium

1. Bacon.  Bacon is why I've never understood the appeal of being a vegetarian.  The only thing that can make bacon better is more bacon.  The only thing that could make the Texans better is less Shaun Cody.  Advantage: Bacon.

Texans_helmet_medium

2. The Houston Texans.  Had they won in New Orleans, they'd really be challenging bacon for supremacy right now.  But they didn't.  And bacon is clearly undefeated.

Boobies_medium

3. Boobies. That is Cheryl Cole.  Her husband -- douchey Chelsea left-back Ashley Cole -- cheated on her.  So, you know ... you've got a shot with her now!  Congrats! 

Guinness-10267_medium

4. Guinness.  On the list of "Great Things To Come Out Of Ireland," Guinness ranks near the very top, while Tim's ancestors rank right around potato famine and Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

Fajita_medium

5.  Fajitas.  I trust that I don't have to specify beef fajitas, as "fajita" technically refers to the cut of meat used -- skirt steak.  Your chicken, shrimp, and baby alpaca are nothing but soft tacos, cabrón.  (Is that picture from Ninfa's?  Yes, it is, Bionic Barry. Yes, it is.)  

Christina-hendricks-is-on-a-diet_medium

6. Christina Hendricks. Needs no explanation, really.

Yellow_line_medium

7. The Yellow First-Down Line.  Try to remember football before this was commonplace.  Highly, highly underrated addition to the football-watching experience.

Titans_helmet_medium

8. The Tennessee Titans.  Quick impression of an average Titans fan, assuming he can read: "B-b-but...we have the same record as the Texans!  Waaahhhhh!" /cooks meth

Same record or not, they lost to the lowly Jags and had to squeak past the Broncos.  Suck it.

Whataburger_medium

9. Whataburger.  It's not the best burger in the world, and it's not even the best fast-food burger, but it is a tasty burger.  And it's a step above the McDonald's/Burger King types.  Also, it's amazing when you are drunk.

Bigskyconference_medium

10. Big Sky Conference football.  Yeah, it's football, and, if nothing else is available, you'd probably watch it.  (Go Portland State Vikings!) Still, it's nowhere near as good as college football can be.

Pampers-logo_medium

11. 3AM diaper changes.  As middle-of-the-night duties go, this one's not so bad.  You get to where you can change the diaper and be back asleep in under 2 minutes.  Much better than feeding the kid.  (Spoiler alert for new dads: This is eventually replaced with a toddler who thinks that 3am is an acceptable time to wander into your room for no reason whatsoever.

U2_medium

12 U2. It's alright, it's alright, it's AL-right / She moves in mysterious ways / Oh oh oh

Arkansas-quarter_medium

13. Arkansas (state, not University of).  It only ranks this high because everything below it on this list is pretty awful.  When your state quarter features a rice plant ... yeah.

Censored1-300x240_medium

14. Vaginal prolapse.  For the love of god, do NOT Google this.  Just don't.

Cleatus_medium

15. Cleatus the Fox Sports Robot.  For the life of me, I still have no idea what his purpose is.  Oooh, look, a fake robot is playing guitar! NOW I AM READY TO WATCH FOOTBALL!

Jacksonville_jaguars_helmet_rightface_medium

16. The Jacksonville Jaguars.  In the previous rankings, I branded them the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked.  In retrospect, this seems unfair, but only slightly.

Epic_medium

17. Movies by Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer. There is no humor in merely referencing other movies.  Spoof movies can be funny -- Naked Gun or Airplane! come to mind -- but these assclowns haven't the slightest clue how to do it.

Trai_medium

18. Trai Essex.  Wow, is he bad or what?  He would've gotten cut from the 2005 Texans.

Shank_medium

19. Getting Shanked In Prison.  I mean, you're in prison and now you're also being stabbed with a homemade implement of questionable cleanliness.  I just don't see how anything could be worse.

Colts_helmet_medium

20. The Indianapolis Colts.  Oh, right, that's how it could be worse.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

Join Battle Red Blog

You must be a member of Battle Red Blog to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Battle Red Blog. You should read them.

Join Battle Red Blog

You must be a member of Battle Red Blog to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Battle Red Blog. You should read them.

Spinner

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker