Battle Red Onion: Texans Bloggers Listed As Probable For Posting This Week

by UprootedTexan on Nov 1, 2011 9:00 AM CDT in Battle Red Onion

The BRB medical staff are fully prepared to combat the Boselliosis outbreak with...with...um...yeah.

Proudly Distributing Sensationalized Rubbish Since 2010

October 31, 2011

Houston, Texas

Andre Johnson and Mario Williams already fell to it. James Casey and Danieal Manning have been its victim. Sunday, Darryl Sharpton became the latest player to succumb to it. While it's a common ailment among football players, it rarely affects the general population.

This is one of those rare times. Early Monday afternoon, the Centers for Disease Control announced a level three outbreak of a pathogen commonly found in the football world; Texanus Boselliosis, otherwise known as the "injury bug". CDC investigators have found a rogue strain of Boselliosis among writers for "Battle Red Blog," a blog about the Houston Texans and, for some inexplicable reason, Zima.

"The symptoms of Boselliosis were difficult to pinpoint at first," said Dr. Aethelbert Fromage, an investigator for the CDC, "Typically, patients present with slurred speech, inability to maintain balance, and sudden bursts of anger. With Texans fans, that's a normal Sunday afternoon. Because of this, their condition went untreated for too long and now people are getting seriously hurt as a result."

Boselliosis can present itself in many different ways. More common ailments include ligament tears and bone bruises that don't last very long, but advanced Boselliosis can have long-term effects without proper treatment.

Pictured above: A rare, full-body X-ray of Matt Hasselbeck.

"The league is strewn with cases of terminal Boselliosis," said an anonymous trainer. "Look at poor Bob Sanders. He caught Boselliosis his rookie year and nobody did anything to treat it. Years passed before he was diagnosed, but the damage was done. The injury bug literally turned his bones into glass. Same can be said for Matt Hasselbeck." When asked if the complaining to the refs is a side effect of Boselliosis, the trainer replied, "No. He's just a whiny (deleted)."

Nobody's entirely sure how the bloggers at BRB became infected with the disease, but there's little doubt in Dr. Fromage's mind that they've got it.

Said Dr. Fromage, "Yep."

So far, the damage has been pretty severe. One blogger, who goes by the alias bigfatdrunk, dislocated his shoulder while doing the normally mundane task of typing on his keyboard. "I don't know what happened. One minute I'm typing, the next I'm in a sling. And it's my beer-drinking arm too. I need that arm!"

MDC, another Texans blogger, reportedly tore an ACL while editing a post involving Venn diagrams. When asked how he came down with Boselliosis, MDC shrugged and said "It's Arkansas. I'm surprised that I haven't caught the plague yet living here."

But the worst case befell the blog's editor and fearless leader, Tim. Tim watched his foot literally fall off of his leg after looking up information about Connor Barwin. "It was the weirdest thing," he said, his foot duct-taped to his ankle, "I was doing research and I heard this weird 'thoomp' noise. I look down, and my foot's on the floor. First thing I thought was 'Wow, I really need to scrub my feet better.'"

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Comments

I think i may have it too

I stubbed the shit out of my big toe. My doctor ( read: bartender) said I’m listed as day to day.

by BricAM on Nov 1, 2011 9:35 AM CDT via mobile reply actions

Night to night, I would hope...

Otherwise, you might have bigger issues than the toe.

Bacon tastes good... Pork chops taste good.

by beefy on Nov 1, 2011 2:28 PM CDT up reply actions

I have heard of these symptoms..

In my medical opinion, not hat I am a doctor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express this past weekend, so I feel that qualifies, I think we have a mild case of “WTF Texans are winning??-itis”. Symptoms include nobody bashing the Texans on talk radio, a sudden increase in whitened clothing due to an abundance of in stock bleach, and a generally posiive outlook on the Texans’ season. The only positive tratment is MOAR TEs!!!

"I said 'That's not my dad, that's a cell phone!' and I threw that cell phone TO THE GROUND"

by jstid911 on Nov 1, 2011 9:40 AM CDT reply actions

I'm surprised bloggers haven't died in the gameday thread debates after every Schaub incompletion.

Prediction: 11-5 AFC South champions.

by Ethan Matz on Nov 1, 2011 9:41 AM CDT reply actions

I've gotten to where I completely avoid those threads these days

Too much schizophrenia for my taste.

I'm a man!! I'm forty!!

by Hydroshock on Nov 1, 2011 10:32 AM CDT up reply actions

I've pretty much never gone in gameday threads.

For no reason really other than that i don’t have time while watching it.

.................

by Schlauton on Nov 1, 2011 1:13 PM CDT up reply actions

I heard that

the Jacksonville Jaguars are suffering from a bad case of conjunctivitis (inflammation of the eye). One of the main side effects is a lot of eye watering. Don’t worry, it’ll pass.

by Andres_Johnson on Nov 1, 2011 10:08 AM CDT reply actions 4 recs

I enjoyed this post and rec'd accordingly.

GET A SILK BAG FROM THE GRAVEYARD DUCK TO LIVE LONGER.

by Synchysi on Nov 1, 2011 11:03 AM CDT up reply actions

This news is hitting the press everywhere!

The pessimist says "half empty"
The optimist says "half full"
The NFL says "The Jags have the wrong size stadium in Tarpsville so we are moving that team to LA"

by MeMongo on Nov 1, 2011 11:39 AM CDT up reply actions 2 recs

i rec'd this post because UprootedTexan knows my weakness...

cheers. lol

"my momma was the Mike Vick of ass whuppin. side arm delivery, no wasted motion.. and very mobile." - @doobieman21

Follow @doobieman21

by chrisd21 on Nov 1, 2011 10:50 AM CDT reply actions

hilarious.

RT @SportsTalk790 Is this one of the “dirty plays” that the Jaguars are pointing to? This TV crew is. Watch. http://fb.me/RP6VoTfa #Texans

nice gut punch mr. brown!

"my momma was the Mike Vick of ass whuppin. side arm delivery, no wasted motion.. and very mobile." - @doobieman21

Follow @doobieman21

by chrisd21 on Nov 1, 2011 10:56 AM CDT reply actions

It's an "out of context" video clip

Let’s see the whole strip of film of what happens leading up to that to see if it was payback or retaliation. Also, it doesn’t look like much of anything, and it sure didn’t hurt Session who basically did a sit up right after to get on his feet. I think if Brown laid down the lumber to Session’s gut, he would have rolled over and brought his knees in.

The pessimist says "half empty"
The optimist says "half full"
The NFL says "The Jags have the wrong size stadium in Tarpsville so we are moving that team to LA"

by MeMongo on Nov 1, 2011 11:06 AM CDT up reply actions

Nice how they don't really show what might have happened before that.

Dallas Cowboys, all hat and no cattle since 1996.

by Jonathan Fosburgh on Nov 1, 2011 11:06 AM CDT up reply actions

BUT THIS IS PROOF

DUANE BROWN AND BRIAN CUSHING ARE ROID HEADS! LETS PUT GREG JONES ON BOTH OF THEM I AM SURE THEY WILL LEARN THEIR LESSON!

not all of the jags fans at bigcatcountry are like that some are saying the same thing as it was just the end, and it shouldnt matter lets go win next time.
but then some are out saying “The texans have only won vs horrible teams in a weak division”

"Taco Joe - the beacon of optimism" TexansDC
THEREALALLENOU: "@Joeeatstacos... You're like the second testicle to my Tom green. I dont NEED you, but life is better when your around lol"
AllenOU is the Montgomery to my Patton
God blessed Texas, but he has forsaken the Texans

by Taco Joe on Nov 1, 2011 12:54 PM CDT up reply actions