Battle Red Onion: Texans Make Unconventional Hire to Fill Depleted Quarterback Corps

by UprootedTexan on Nov 28, 2011 9:00 AM CST in Battle Red Onion

T.J. "Matt" Yates will save us all. Right? Right?!?!

Proudly Distributing Sensationalized Rubbish Since 2010

November 28, 2011

Jacksonville, Florida

Just as suddenly as it began, the Matt Leinart Era in Houston came to an end. Leinart, 28, suffered a season-ending collarbone injury just before the end of the first half of the Texans' game against the Jacksonville Jaguars. With Leinart done for the year, the Texans now face starting either rookie quarterback T.J. Yates or newly-signed free agent Kellen Clemens to carry the Texans to their first playoff appearance in franchise history.

Or do they?

According to an anonymous source from within the Texans organization, general manager Rick Smith has already hired a quarterback who could see playing time as soon as next week's tilt against the Atlanta Falcons.

In a move reminiscent of the old days of the NFL, the Texans have signed former Denver Broncos quarterback and current Texans head coach Gary Kubiak to a one-year deal for the league minimum. Rick Smith was particularly excited about his recent hire.

"It really does solve a lot of our problems," said Rick Smith, "We looked at potential free agents like Brett Favre, but this informative filmstrip taught me the dangers of signing him. We briefly looked at Jeff Garcia, but then we couldn't stop laughing for 20 minutes afterward. We even called Chad Pennington, but when he picked up the phone, we could hear his shoulder dislocating just holding the receiver up to his ear. Besides, even if we did want to sign one of them, we don't have a lot of room under the salary cap to work with."

Kubiak, 50, would be the first player-coach since Denver Broncos backup corner Jimmy Spencer held the title in 2003, and only the second since Dan Reeves back in 1971.

"It just seemed like a natural fit," said now player-coach Kubiak, "I used to be an NFL quarterback, and I already know the system. I can throw a five yard screen on third-and-14 just as well as any other quarterback on this roster."

The most obvious concern about Kubiak playing for the Texans, despite his understanding of the offense, is his advanced age. Kubiak would become the oldest player in the NFL and much more prone to serious injury. This fact does not deter him, "If Brett Favre can start for the Vikings at the age he was, then why can't I? I don't feel like I'm 50, and I expect I will play like it. If I don't, then the blame falls on me."

When asked about his chances of starting against the Falcons on Sunday, Kubiak offered little insight, "Well, that depends on who wants it more. I mean, T.J., Kellen, and I will be battlin' to get the start. They're both good kids, y'know. And I used to be a good kid about 25 years ago. It'll just be a big battlefight between the three of us and whoever starts, I'll just coach 'em up as best I can. This is a great bunch of guys we have and I believe in them."

Potential starter T.J. Yates offered a far more dour view on the subject. "Coach Kubes makes the decisions. And now he's one of our quarterbacks. I think one of us has an inside track, but I could be wrong."

Said Kellen Clemens about starting, "Start? Me? You're kidding, right? I'm only here because I was told there would be cake."

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Comments

fuck dunta

in honor of the upcoming game against Hotlanta.

I wish we could hire coaches without "having grown up in Houston" being a job requirement.

by DaGoaT on Nov 28, 2011 9:02 AM CST reply actions 7 recs

AUTOMATIC BAN

starting now, for any future FDs.

"All our lives we're taught to get in line. The ones who conform never discover." - Undrafted Free Agent and NFL Rushing Leader Arian Foster

by Rip Jersey on Nov 28, 2011 9:15 AM CST up reply actions

Duck Funta

Duck is still hoping Sick will pay him

by Dawakat on Nov 28, 2011 9:28 AM CST up reply actions

Actually, it'll be another old timer according to PFT

Sage Rosenfels welcome back dude…. hmm…

Swede that like the Houston Texans and Chelsea FC

by Fredrik Nyman on Nov 28, 2011 9:04 AM CST reply actions

I thought Rosenfels was with the Dolphins

We’re past the trade deadline, so he would have to be outright released for the Texans to get him back if I’m not mistaken.

Laugh now, but before the season’s over, the way things are going, we may be seeing what Kubes has left in the tank.

by JBal on Nov 28, 2011 9:09 AM CST up reply actions

Isn't Rosenfels injured?

"All our lives we're taught to get in line. The ones who conform never discover." - Undrafted Free Agent and NFL Rushing Leader Arian Foster

by Rip Jersey on Nov 28, 2011 9:12 AM CST up reply actions

Just read the article, apparently it's some sort of recurring blood infection.

In order for us to get him, according to the article, he would have to request to be released, the Dolphins would have to honor that, he would have to clear waivers. And, oh yeah, be able to play in spite of previously being pronounced unable to play this season.

by JBal on Nov 28, 2011 9:18 AM CST up reply actions

recurring blood infection

see AIDS

by leacheatsbabies on Nov 28, 2011 11:51 AM CST up reply actions

not funny bro

I'm a man!! I'm forty!!

by Hydroshock on Nov 28, 2011 2:38 PM CST up reply actions

oh, and, we can't talk to the Dolphins about it either

this all seems very unlikely, and in fact the article just seems like very wild speculation.

by JBal on Nov 28, 2011 9:22 AM CST up reply actions

also

It is very likely that the be-sf’s would claim him just be…..well be-sf’s, and then ir him just to be…..well, again, be-sf’s.

by HTown80 on Nov 28, 2011 10:36 AM CST via mobile up reply actions

lol... this is great... Kubiak would do something like this and I BET Mr. McNair would be down

Twitter: @MghtyPtrck

by MghtyPtrck on Nov 28, 2011 9:09 AM CST reply actions

i honestly would not mind seeing this happen

just for shits and giggles. maybe the last game of the season or something

- Feeling the five stages of grief since 2002.

"It's either gonna make you a man or a coward. One of the two. I'm a be a man. I ain't never seen a coward, heard a coward, coward not in ma vocabulary." - Lawrence Vickers

by NoSafetiesNeeded on Nov 28, 2011 9:10 AM CST reply actions

He could be part of our 6QB victory formation!

Except by then we’ll be down to like 2.

Follow Me on Twitter @WhiskeyR9

by WhiskeyR on Nov 28, 2011 10:18 AM CST up reply actions

With walking boots and slings, they might be able to do it...

"All our lives we're taught to get in line. The ones who conform never discover." - Undrafted Free Agent and NFL Rushing Leader Arian Foster

by Rip Jersey on Nov 28, 2011 10:25 AM CST up reply actions

Good one, Onion

Memo to Clemens: btw, the cake is a lie

"All our lives we're taught to get in line. The ones who conform never discover." - Undrafted Free Agent and NFL Rushing Leader Arian Foster

by Rip Jersey on Nov 28, 2011 9:11 AM CST reply actions

/Clemens gets up and leaves

by JBal on Nov 28, 2011 9:12 AM CST up reply actions

We were told there would be punch and pie.

- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter | Football Outsiders | Battle Red Blog

by riversmccown on Nov 28, 2011 9:24 AM CST up reply actions

Nope, just a kick in the ass on the way out....

"All our lives we're taught to get in line. The ones who conform never discover." - Undrafted Free Agent and NFL Rushing Leader Arian Foster

by Rip Jersey on Nov 28, 2011 9:27 AM CST up reply actions

"I came here to eat cake and kick ass"

“and I’m all out of c…what, there’s more cake? All right, be there in a second.”

A sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use.--Washington Irving

by Foster Child on Nov 28, 2011 5:58 PM CST up reply actions 3 recs

/scrambles for the kitchen

"Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim." - George Santayana

by DilloTex on Nov 28, 2011 6:07 PM CST up reply actions

Where's the cake? They said there would be cake? The cake is a lie

Murphy’s 20th Military Law:
If it’s stupid, but it works, it ain’t stupid
"Fuck em all. Go Texans."

by The Night Owl on Nov 28, 2011 11:28 PM CST up reply actions

Nom-nom-nom...

/garbled “All gone”
nom-nom-nom…

"Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim." - George Santayana

by DilloTex on Nov 29, 2011 7:45 AM CST up reply actions

haha... love it... but some is not accurate

“Kubiak, 50, would be the first player-coach since Denver Broncos backup corner Jimmy Spencer held the title in 2003, and only the second since Dan Reeves back in 1971. "

Lets not forget Peyton Manning in 2009 – 2010.

by coltsfanbeforemanning on Nov 28, 2011 9:24 AM CST reply actions

Have another piece of cake...

"All our lives we're taught to get in line. The ones who conform never discover." - Undrafted Free Agent and NFL Rushing Leader Arian Foster

by Rip Jersey on Nov 28, 2011 9:29 AM CST up reply actions

meh

don’t like cake. What I do like are funny reads like this.

by coltsfanbeforemanning on Nov 28, 2011 9:39 AM CST up reply actions

who doesn't like cake O_O

by JMFC on Nov 28, 2011 10:53 AM CST up reply actions

I don't know whats worse

Kubiak trying to play Qb again or reading the article and not realizing it was a post from the Onion

by Dawakat on Nov 28, 2011 9:26 AM CST reply actions

FTFY

Quarterback Corpse

Capt. Nately: You're a shameful opportunist! What you don't understand is that it's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.

Old man in whorehouse: You have it backwards. It's better to live on your feet than to die on your knees. I know.

-Catch 22-

by Jordann on Nov 28, 2011 10:22 AM CST reply actions

waiting for my 2 yr old son to go into surgery

What better way to take my mind off of it than to read the br onion. Awesome, and probably closer to happening than most think.

by HTown80 on Nov 28, 2011 10:34 AM CST via mobile reply actions

Good luck to your son, you, and your family.

Our little one had surgery at 18 hours, and a few more before she was 4 months, and then another probably around 2. Been through it enough to know what a worry it is.

Dallas Cowboys, all hat and no cattle since 1996.

by Jonathan Fosburgh on Nov 28, 2011 10:48 AM CST up reply actions

Best of luck

Follow Me on Twitter @WhiskeyR9

by WhiskeyR on Nov 28, 2011 11:08 AM CST up reply actions

thanx guys

It really is a family here. My daughter has had 3 surgeries as well. All before the age of 3. Never gets easier.

by HTown80 on Nov 28, 2011 12:17 PM CST via mobile up reply actions

Best Of Luck To Your Daughter

I’ll keep a good thought for you and your family.

Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...

by Tim on Nov 28, 2011 12:51 PM CST up reply actions

Best wishes for your daughter...

I’ll pray for a good outcome.

"Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim." - George Santayana

by DilloTex on Nov 28, 2011 1:00 PM CST up reply actions

QB rumors; and guess what

Connor Barwin, JJ Watt, Brian Cushing, Johnathan Joseph, Glover Quin and company will not let this team lose!

"All our lives we're taught to get in line. The ones who conform never discover." - Undrafted Free Agent and NFL Rushing Leader Arian Foster

by Rip Jersey on Nov 28, 2011 10:42 AM CST reply actions

yeah but what about shaun cody or kareem jackson?

huh? HUH?!?!?

/breaks down and cries

- Feeling the five stages of grief since 2002.

"It's either gonna make you a man or a coward. One of the two. I'm a be a man. I ain't never seen a coward, heard a coward, coward not in ma vocabulary." - Lawrence Vickers

by NoSafetiesNeeded on Nov 28, 2011 11:14 AM CST up reply actions

Cody blocked a pass and I thought overall had a pretty good game

If there was a guy on the defense who continuously makes me cringe, it’s Kareem Jackson. We saw that one pass that was lobbed up for grabs, and his only defense was to maul the WR. Ugh! Ugh! erp…..

"All our lives we're taught to get in line. The ones who conform never discover." - Undrafted Free Agent and NFL Rushing Leader Arian Foster

by Rip Jersey on Nov 28, 2011 11:17 AM CST up reply actions

I thought Cody played a damn good game

had a few solo tackles, I saw

by SpaceCityFan on Nov 28, 2011 11:21 AM CST up reply actions

MJD had some good runs up the middle, but I can't put the sole blame on Cody if they are double-teaming him

I think it was the D scheme that the Jags were taking advantage of. Would like to hear from someone that DVRed the game and can look at that and provide analysis.

"All our lives we're taught to get in line. The ones who conform never discover." - Undrafted Free Agent and NFL Rushing Leader Arian Foster

by Rip Jersey on Nov 28, 2011 11:24 AM CST up reply actions

cody has been fine.

and i think everybody knows my official stance on Kareem Jackson

CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON

by Carter Liles on Nov 28, 2011 11:23 AM CST up reply actions

You want to cut him and make him bleed?

"All our lives we're taught to get in line. The ones who conform never discover." - Undrafted Free Agent and NFL Rushing Leader Arian Foster

by Rip Jersey on Nov 28, 2011 11:25 AM CST up reply actions

your the first person who actually gets me.

most people think I want to cut him from the team or something silly like that!

CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON CUT KAREEM JACKSON

by Carter Liles on Nov 28, 2011 11:36 AM CST up reply actions

Dillo just might get that, too

"All our lives we're taught to get in line. The ones who conform never discover." - Undrafted Free Agent and NFL Rushing Leader Arian Foster

by Rip Jersey on Nov 28, 2011 11:38 AM CST up reply actions

Yup...

Nolander-compliant subject included…

"Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim." - George Santayana

by DilloTex on Nov 28, 2011 12:24 PM CST up reply actions

boom

Watch me all in flames, on a butterfly I ride

by nolander on Nov 28, 2011 7:16 PM CST up reply actions

I don't.

Maybe you should make yourself a little clearer.

by T-Moar on Nov 28, 2011 3:57 PM CST up reply actions

Houston - Crutch City

by SpaceCityFan on Nov 28, 2011 11:22 AM CST reply actions

saw this on facebook. just thought I'd share. Everyone know BRB is for Battle Red Blog

I figured that if I said it enough, I would convince the world that I really was the greatest.
~Muhammad Ali

by steelblue on Nov 28, 2011 11:27 AM CST reply actions 10 recs

I'd take that over a t-shirt any day.

Follow Me on Twitter @WhiskeyR9

by WhiskeyR on Nov 28, 2011 11:33 AM CST up reply actions

First to rec

"All our lives we're taught to get in line. The ones who conform never discover." - Undrafted Free Agent and NFL Rushing Leader Arian Foster

by Rip Jersey on Nov 28, 2011 11:35 AM CST up reply actions

Greened

Matt Schwab, Mary O' Williams, Adrian Foster, and Daniel Owens are my favorite Texans!

by MeSoLongHorny on Nov 28, 2011 11:48 AM CST up reply actions

I'd want one, but that looks extremely expensive

Murphy’s 20th Military Law:
If it’s stupid, but it works, it ain’t stupid
"Fuck em all. Go Texans."

by The Night Owl on Nov 28, 2011 11:30 PM CST up reply actions

Mad points for the word "battlefight"

by Dave Choate on Nov 28, 2011 11:30 AM CST reply actions

Sage

Is he going to have his roto world bird thing again?

Carpe Diem

by TEXAN_CHIEF on Nov 28, 2011 2:43 PM CST reply actions

Schefter saying Brodie Croyle...

Sad Panda

You are banned from Stampede Blue.
You can browse the blog, but you can't participate.

Hi CFHTim. You're trolling yet another SB Nation blog. Since you've been banned from several other SB Nation blogs, you don't get a warning. You get banned. If you want to get unbanned, email BBS and state your case for re-admission.

by CFHTim on Nov 28, 2011 4:33 PM CST reply actions

BOOOOOOOOOOO

I'm a man!! I'm forty!!

by Hydroshock on Nov 28, 2011 4:36 PM CST up reply actions

Brodie Croyle

Take it from someone who has followed the Chiefs, you want no part of Croyle and his 0-10 record, 6 of those games he left injured, almost like Kenny from South Park “Oh My God you injured Brodie!”

Carpe Diem

by TEXAN_CHIEF on Nov 28, 2011 6:31 PM CST reply actions

To all you texans fans

Keep the kid..Let the rookie Play and learn. But if you go out and get a Q.B. Bret is better than Garcia and Deflome…. Dont be a hater just be real. Fave is better than 80 percent of all q.b. out there playing today…..if you pick up any other looser goodbye to your great season… only other ret. qb would be warner, Shoot I would take Doug Flutie before Garcia And Deflome . and yes I know thats not his name

by chappy22 on Nov 29, 2011 9:51 AM CST reply actions