Battle Red Onion: Texans Make Unconventional Hire to Fill Depleted Quarterback Corps

T.J. "Matt" Yates will save us all. Right? Right?!?!
Proudly Distributing Sensationalized Rubbish Since 2010

November 28, 2011

Jacksonville, Florida

Just as suddenly as it began, the Matt Leinart Era in Houston came to an end.  Leinart, 28, suffered a season-ending collarbone injury just before the end of the first half of the Texans' game against the Jacksonville Jaguars.  With Leinart done for the year, the Texans now face starting either rookie quarterback T.J. Yates or newly-signed free agent Kellen Clemens to carry the Texans to their first playoff appearance in franchise history.

Or do they?

According to an anonymous source from within the Texans organization, general manager Rick Smith has already hired a quarterback who could see playing time as soon as next week's tilt against the Atlanta Falcons

 

In a move reminiscent of the old days of the NFL, the Texans have signed former Denver Broncos quarterback and current Texans head coach Gary Kubiak to a one-year deal for the league minimum.  Rick Smith was particularly excited about his recent hire.

"It really does solve a lot of our problems," said Rick Smith, "We looked at potential free agents like Brett Favre, but this informative filmstrip taught me the dangers of signing him.  We briefly looked at Jeff Garcia, but then we couldn't stop laughing for 20 minutes afterward.  We even called Chad Pennington, but when he picked up the phone, we could hear his shoulder dislocating just holding the receiver up to his ear.  Besides, even if we did want to sign one of them, we don't have a lot of room under the salary cap to work with."

Kubiak, 50, would be the first player-coach since Denver Broncos backup corner Jimmy Spencer held the title in 2003, and only the second since Dan Reeves back in 1971. 

"It just seemed like a natural fit," said now player-coach Kubiak, "I used to be an NFL quarterback, and I already know the system.  I can throw a five yard screen on third-and-14 just as well as any other quarterback on this roster."

The most obvious concern about Kubiak playing for the Texans, despite his understanding of the offense, is his advanced age.  Kubiak would become the oldest player in the NFL and much more prone to serious injury.  This fact does not deter him, "If Brett Favre can start for the Vikings at the age he was,  then why can't I? I don't feel like I'm 50, and I expect I will play like it.  If I don't, then the blame falls on me."

When asked about his chances of starting against the Falcons on Sunday, Kubiak offered little insight, "Well, that depends on who wants it more.  I mean, T.J., Kellen, and I will be battlin' to get the start.  They're both good kids, y'know.  And I used to be a good kid about 25 years ago.  It'll just be a big battlefight between the three of us and whoever starts, I'll just coach 'em up as best I can.  This is a great bunch of guys we have and I believe in them."

Potential starter T.J. Yates offered a far more dour view on the subject.  "Coach Kubes makes the decisions.  And now he's one of our quarterbacks.  I think one of us has an inside track, but I could be wrong."

Said Kellen Clemens about starting, "Start?  Me?  You're kidding, right?  I'm only here because I was told there would be cake."

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