The Unbearable Powerfulness of Ranking (Part the Third)

We're just past the mid-way point of the 2011 season, so it's time to take a look at how the Texans rank vis-a-vis the other teams in the AFC South.  As always, so we have some context for these rankings, we've included sixteen other items, people, and concepts.

If you are interested in how the teams ranked prior to the season, see here.  If you are curious how everyone stacked up after four weeks, see here.  If you want to see the current rankings, channel your inner Javier Sotomayor.

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1. The Houston Texans. Are your Texans the best team in the NFL? Probably not. (Actually, no. At least not right now.) But they are the best team in the AFC South, and it's not particularly close. By which I mean, 41-7.

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2. Mila Kunis.  The Alison Brie v. Mila Kunis debated raged for most of the summer in the Battle Red Bag, and a resolution was never really reached.  In this situation, the only clear winners are us.

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3. Wade Phillips. I'm trying to think of a non-sports equivalent of the turnaround Wade Phillips has brought to the Texans' defense. Best one I can give you is a hypothetical: if, shortly after the Titanic struck the iceberg, the captain of a different ship hurried to the scene, swam down into the boiler rooms, and repaired the 300 feet of damaged hull as if it was something he did every day, that would almost be as impressive as Wade's turnaround of the Texans' pass defense.

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4. Dyer's Triple-Triple w/ Bacon.  Look, I know you probably think that you know where the best burger in the whole world is.  Unless your answer is Dyer's in Memphis, TN, you are unquestionably wrong.  This is inarguable.


5.  MS Paint Stu Scott.  Yes, he appeared in the first rankings, coming in at number 8, but his fans have spoken.  He is a poorly drawn force to be reckoned with.  It's like he's staring into your soul.  Well, with one of his eyes, anyway.

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6. Smokey and the Bandit.  Even ignoring that it's the greatest movie to ever star a basset hound, this movie is fantastic.  And I can't count the number of times that I've claimed that anyone who would do X would "show up at a minister's funeral dressed in feathers."

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7. The Collapse of the 2011 Boston Red Sox.  Yes! Yesss! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott!  Mmm, your tears are so yummy and sweet! 

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8. The Chronic.  Not as good as Doggystyle (there, I said it), but probably the most important rap album of the last 20 years.  Plus, c'mon, how can you not like a line like "gettin' funky on the mic like an old batch of collard greens"?  You can't, that's how!

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9. Jeff Saturday.  Having a solid season on a bad team.

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10. Cake Batter Ice Cream.  It's not terrible, but (unless you are my fairly strange wife) it's not your first choice when you desire some ice cream.  It's a little cloying, but whatever.

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11. The Cannonball Run.  A funny enough movie, especially the scenes with Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr., but not even the best comedy of 1981 (that would be Stripes) and certainly not in the Top 10 Burt Reynolds movies (or in the top 10 of this list).

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12. Dan Dierdorf. Because he's a Michigan man and one of the best offensive linemen in school history, I always feel a little weird ripping on him, but, man ... he's pretty hard to listen to.  Maybe not as bad as Steve Tasker or John Lynch, but pretty damn bad.  Just ask Mary O'Williams. 

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13.The Tennessee Titans. Imagine how much lower they'd be if I didn't like them so much, right Tim?  But with their division record and lack of --- what's that called? oh, yeah, a quarterback --- #13 is as high as I can put them.  (Also, again, 41-7.)

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14. Balanoposthitis. I'm not going to say that you shouldn't Google a picture of this, but I am saying that you probably shouldn't do that if you plan to eat lunch today.

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15. [Any prefix other than "Mar"]tinis.  Look, a real martini is cool.  You can tell this because James Bond drinks them.  Anything else ending in "-tini" is terrible and lame.  You can tell this because you are not an idiot.

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16. The Jacksonville Jaguars.  The only team in the league that has yet to score 100 total points on the season.  But, hey, tell me again about how you can't wait for the rematch in a few weeks.

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17. Smokey and the Bandit Part 3.  Aside from a tiny cameo near the end, Burt Reynolds isn't even in this movie.  It's like the movie version of the Dukes of Hazzard season that had Coy and Vance rather than Bo and Luke.  Guh.

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18. Nickelback.  It's not that everything that comes out of Canada is bad.  For example, Trivial Pursuit and basketball and Elisha Cuthbert are all fine things to import.  Nickelback, on the other hand, are lumped in with poutine and Steven Cojocaru on the list of things that I wish Canada would keep entirely for themselves.

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19. Colin Cowherd.  Here's the script for every Cowherd opinion ever: 1. Take plausible position ("LSU is a good football team"). 2. Extrapolate an inane, monocausal reason for #1 ("Their fans really cheer them on").  3. Cut off/talk down to anyone who calls in to point out other, more plausible explanations.

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20. The Indianapolis Colts. In the "Suck for Luck" race, they've shown that they suck harder than the android child of Traci Lords and a Dyson DC25.

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