"I’m excited to be here. I have nothing but respect for Wade, this organization, and its players. I think when we get on the field, we’ll be able to do something special," said Asomugha from his cottage on the River Styx, "Oh, and I’m also excited to swim around in my pit of new souls."
The free agent signing addresses one of the Texans biggest needs. After finishing dead last in passing defense last year, owner Bob Mcnair felt the pressure to make a splash in free agency.
"We knew we had to get Nnamdi and money wasn’t going to be enough," said Mcnair during a round of golf. "He’s fielding offers from the Steelers, Ravens, and Patriots, all of which are perennial Super Bowl contenders. We had to reach out to the fans and ask them to sacrifice eternal happiness and relegate themselves to eons of damnation for a chance at our first playoff appearance."
The recruitment process began with a tweet by Bob Mcnair asking fans to offer their souls to Asomugha. The tweet snowballed into its own website and expanded into downtown rallies as millions of Houstonians found Nnamdi’s contract the best way to use their souls.
Michael Case was first in line to give his soul when Bob Mcnair sent out the tweet. "It’s completely worth it. I mean -- yeah, it would have been nice to see my Nana again in heaven, but Nana can’t shut down half the field like Nnamdi can."
Although there is light reluctance by some Houstonians to be subjected to an eternity of pain and sorrow, the vast majority of Texans fans are far more focused on their excitement to see Asomugha in Battle Red.
Thomas Nunciato, a season ticket holder since the Texans inaugural season, has already pre-ordered the jersey.
"Can’t wait. Absolutely can’t wait. This really needs to work out. Please God, let us make the playoffs… Wait, I guess I can’t say that anymore. Please Asomugha, let us make the playoffs."