Battle Red Bag, Vol. 5: My High School Guidance Counselor Used To Ask What We'd Do If We Had A Million Dollars

I am currently in Pittsburgh, PA. That is really of no import to you, but it should explain why the Bag was a tad late today.

Due to the size of this week's Bag, I had to leave out four or five questions. I'll use them next week. Promise.

In this week's bag, we tackle things I hate, kinetic bombing, mythical-animal-based transportation, some movies characters, JJ Abrams, the Texans, 4th of July prep, hypothetical brawls between Texans, cat poop, faked deaths, 16 year old chicks, Halloween costumes, coffins, and my own personal regrets.

First, however, we attempt to frame a very important discussion that every man should have with his wife. Enjoy!

"anonymous":

How do I get my wife to do a threesome with another chick?

If you listen closely, you can actually hear Tim berating himself for ever suggesting that I do a weekly mailbag.  Something along the lines of "Oh, dear God, I can't believe it only took five weeks for someone to ask him a question that will make us the top hit for a whole host of undesirable Google queries" and "I hope SBN doesn't pull the plug on us entirely" and even "I hope everyone realizes that I am NOT the person who sent in this question!"  (He's not, just FYI.)

But, you know ... whatever.  I'm a team player, and I answer what I am asked.  It's just how I roll.

So, back to anon's question.  Whereas, in college or even in your early 20s, this might've been the type of thing that good luck and some alcohol could create, the level of difficulty goes way up once you are (a) married and (b) over 30. The good news is, it can be done.  It just requires effort.

I'm working under the assumption that you have an awesome wife who, in theory, is down to clown with some other chick's lady bits.  This is highly important; without it, you're basically asking the wife to service you alongside another female, with nothing additional in the sexyfun department for your better half.  So, assuming the awesome wife, the first thing we need to do is cover common mistakes that you absolutely must avoid. 

First and foremost, you absolutely can NOT broach the subject by saying, "Hey, honey, you and I should have a threesome with ______."  As I am sure you know, women do not actually hear the question you are asking.  Their brains are incapable of it.  Instead, they hear what they think you mean, and proffering a name for the trois just screams to your gal, "HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ____!!!"  Not good.

Second, this isn't the kind of thing you can just blurt out or even drop in normal conversation.  ("Hey, honey, could you pass the butter?  This homemade bread is great.  Wanna have a threeway with another girl?")  You've got to time the presentation correctly.  Good options are post-coitus, but only if it was a particularly adventurous session; on or near your birthday, if she asks what you really want (be prepared to laugh this off as a joke if you fail on the delivery); or some night when you are both out drinking and are quite drunk.

NOW, armed with the relevant parts of the Idiots Guide For What Not To Do To Facilitate Group Lovin', we can tackle the How-To parts of this by-definition-not-DIY project.

Step One: Make it about her.  Yes, you are going to enjoy the bejeezus out of this tête-à-tête(-à-tête) if it happens.  That's a given.  You know it.  She knows it.  People who have never met you but who are aware that you are a dude know it.  The trick is to paint it as being centered on her and her enjoyment.  So, for example, "I'd love to see you with another woman" rather than "I'd love for us to have to a threesome."  (This is why it's also important that you have the previously mentioned awesome wife, so this seems appealing to her.)

Step Two: Let her pick the other woman.  This is related to the first step, but it deserves its own paragraph.  If you let your wife pick woman #2, the experience remains wife-focused.  (I hope you're sensing a theme.)  That's not to say that you can't influence the decision; once you've got her intrigued with the general idea of a threesome, it's totally fine to ask her which of her friends or acquaintances that she finds hot and other questions in that vein.  Just don't start volunteering possibilities, ESPECIALLY if the suggested female is your friend rather than your wife's.

Possible hurdle here: The odds are really, really good that your wife, even if she thinks one of her good friends is super hot, is going to be too worried about weirding her friend out to be willing to make the proposition.  Your best bet is to guide the conversations toward people are who are more "casual acquaintance" rather than "lifelong friend."  If that's not possible, you might want to consider looking online at something like Craigslist or one of the myriad other sites, though I imagine that to be a much harder sell to your wife. (If, however, one of your wife's best friends is a lesbian (or bisexual) and your wife finds her attractive, you can ignore this entire paragraph.)

Step Three (as needed): Foster her curious side.  If your wife has never been with another woman (or hasn't since that one wild night in college, which was, like, SO crazy), but is nonetheless interested in all of this, you'll want to encourage her interest in the fairer sex.  Watching "movies" together is good.  Be careful, though: much of the girl-girl stuff is made for a decidedly male audience.  And, if you can't tell the difference between which ones were made for you and which ones are directed at a female audience, you're never going to pull this off.

Step Four: Earn the Glengarry leads.  You remember the quote: "A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing."  That's where you're at in this step.  It's one thing to get your wife to admit that, yes, she finds _____ attractive and, yes, if the circumstances were right, she would be interested in a threesome.  It's an entirely different thing to actually make it happen.  You walk a fine line here, because you need to be proactive without being pushy or violating Step One above.  Encourage your wife to mention this idea to the other woman.  If a situation arises where you know the other woman is likely to attend the same social function as you and your wife, especially if there is booze involved, make sure you go to said function.  Basically, always be looking for some way to make the plan progress from "amorphous dream" to "plausible reality."

Step Five: Don't lose hope.  Assuming you can reach Step Two, you've got the tracks in place.  Now it's just about finding a ... um ... train that you both can ... well ... ride.  (I'm not great at metaphors.)  The first two or three women that you think are legit possibilities might fall through for any number of reasons.  Don't despair.  Just learn from the failures --- i.e., why did it fall through?  Was there something you could have done to change that?  Etc. --- and start guiding your lady toward the next option.

Obviously, there's no hard-and-fast formula for making this happen, other than possibly having a million dollars, so all of the above suggestions are just that: suggestions.  You know your wife, so you will have to adapt this roadmap as necessary.  That said, I have faith in you.  Hell, the whole BRB community has faith in you.  So let me leave you with one final piece of advice:

Tim:

In your thirty-odd years on this earthly plane, what's been your biggest regret?

So, let me get this straight.  Last week, you asked me how I'd spend my last week on earth, and this week you ask me my biggest regret? GOOD TIMES!

Let's see, though.  I am tempted to say "allowing my mom to talk me out of going to Yale" (LONG story that is too inexplicable to relay here), but that's not really true.  When it comes to life choices that I've made, it's impossible to have regrets.  Had I changed much of anything, there's no way I would have met my wife, meaning that I wouldn't have my two kids.  I wouldn't trade them for anything, so it seems dumb to regret something like where I did or didn't go to college.

For that reason, I'd have to go with not calling my granddad on Thanksgiving 2004.  He'd been sick for a while, but I knew we were going down to Springfield for Christmas, so I just didn't bother.  Predictably, he passed away before Christmas.  Sure, it's a minor thing, but it just seems so lazy of me in retrospect to have not picked up the phone on a holiday and had one last conversation with him.

I had a dog that died once; maybe you can ask about that next week.  Jerk.

Now for something much more uplifiting.  Diehard Chris:

Assuming I had JJ Abrams trapped in an empty warehouse, and with no possibility of getting caught whatsoever, can you give me three good reasons why I should NOT beat him to death with a claw hammer?

Three?!? Lord, no.  I'm not sure I can come up with ONE.  Maybe, possibly, Super 8 will be like a modern, scary reboot of Stand By Me.  In that case, we would arguably have one reason to spare him the hammer of righteousness.

But that's it.  "Lost" was a ridiculous exercise in seeing how many modern fanboys would e-jerk themselves while talking about "OMG, what next!!!1!one!" online.  "Fringe" is like someone decided to defile the corpse of "The X-Files."  "Felicity" is a show that my mom still likes to watch in reruns, so it's obviously beyond terrible.  And Armageddon is the only time I've ever rooted for a real asteroid to hit the earth while I watched a film.  

If anything, a hammer might be too good for Abrams.  Have you considered rubbing him down with the urine of an ovulating grizzly and locking him in the warehouse with a sex-starved male grizzly bear?  Or maybe just stripping him naked and leaving him alone in the dark with a couple honey badgers?  The man needs to suffer, is what I'm saying.

Jordann:

Name your top five bad-ass movie characters. The kind of movie characters that you'd apologize to immediately when you woke up if you shot them in your dream. The kind that barks and bites. No cheating. Only one character from each movie. So, if you're going to pick "Jules" from Pulp Fiction, you better justify your answer for picking him instead of Winston Wolf.

Number two. Weigh in the Pros and Cons for drinking Zima. Yes, that means you're gonna need to find a way to talk good about Zima.

Top 5 Bad-Ass Movie Characters:

5. Maximus Decimus Meridius, Gladiator.  Run roughshod over some Germanic dudes? Check. Defeat people on chariots?  Yup.  Kill a massive French dude and some tigers, armed with minimal weapons?  Oh, of course.  Do all of this because some incestual punk had your wife and son killed and you will not stop until you get your revenge, in this life or the next?  Most definitely.

4. The Bride/Beatrix Kiddo, Kill Bill vol. 1 & 2.  From the second she's introduced, we know two things: (1) the odds against her are insane and (2) you'd be a moron to bet against her.  She takes a shotgun blast of rock salt to the chest, gets buried alive, is in a coma for a while ... and throughout the film she's bad enough to take out O-Ren Ishii, Sidewinder, and a whole host of others who, in theory, should have a massive upper hand against her.  Hell, when she finally kills Bill (uh ... spoiler alert there), she does it with some kung-fu voodoo before he can even attempt a counter attack.

3. Jason Bourne, Bourne Series.  We covered him in a previous mailbag.  Between his martial arts training and his MacGyver-like ability to kill you with, say, a toaster and a magazine, Bourne is ridiculously awesome.  To beat him, you'd almost have to be someone like ...

2. Sanjura Kuwabatake, Yojimbo.  Dude strolls into a town, realizes that there are two rival gangs, and thinks to himself, "Hmm...I should totally play the two sides against each other."  So he volunteers to be a spy for both sides.  Everyone figures it out and confronts him in the street?  Who cares?!  Armed with only a sword and a knife, he kills roughly 500 people in the span of 30 seconds.  (All numbers approximate.)

1. Jules Winfield, Pulp Fiction.  Jordann said I had to explain if I chose Jules over Winston Wolf.  Here's the explanation: after the morning they had, when being held up in the diner, Jules not only doesn't give up the briefcase, but he gets the would-be robbers to basically leave the diner cowering in fear.

MeMongo:

4th of July Prep Questions. What’s the best suggestions for:

• Beer brand/style?
  
• Mixed drinks?
  
• Wood type for smoking meats on the BBQ?
  
• Sausage brand/type for the grill?
  
• Hot Wings (takeout location)? 
• Assuming a fire ban for Houston area and no home fireworks, best firework event to attend?

Beer: Lately, for summer purposes, I've been in love with the Shiner Ruby Redbird.  If the fruit taste isn't for you and your guests, Hoegaarden never disappoints on a summer day.

Mixed drinks: The easy way out is to mix a big pitcher of sangria.  I've done sangria on a couple 4ths, and it never fails to be a tremendous hit.  If you want "real" mixed drinks, go Cuba Libre.  Refreshing, a little different, and potent.  (Use Sailor Jerry's spiced rum for extra kick.)

Wood: I am partial to oak, but it's near impossible to find because people aren't real fond of cutting down 70-year-old trees.  Hickory is nice, but boring.  As a general rule, if I'm not using oak, I go with fruit wood (especially cherry or apple) for pork products and pecan wood for brisket and sausage.

Sausage: Earl Campbell's Hot-N-Cheddar links.

Hot Wings: I admit to not having an answer for this one.  By default, I'd probably go with Buffalo Wild Wings' mango habanero and spicy garlic, but it is entirely possible that there are much better wings in Houston that I am unfamiliar with.  I'll leave this one and the last one --- best firework display in the Houston area --- to the commenters.

Jason:

In a royal rumble style fight between all the Texans, who walks away? How do you come to your conclusion? The winner would need brains, brawn and endurance. For my money, I'm betting on Andre Johnson taking out Leach at the end.

I think you're discounting the mutant power that is Mario Williams.  My man is 6-6/295.  If he wanted to win the thing, which is more or less always the issue, he's got to be the favorite.  I do think you're right that Andre is in the running as well.  Leach is an interesting choice, mainly because I've got doubts as to his stamina.  Also, it's fairly obvious that David Anderson would last approximately .008 seconds and would die, most likely at the hands of Antonio Smith.

Speaking of Smith, what if he really is a ninja?  Does that change things?  Or what if Arian Foster is a Buddhist monk who can totally wreck your world like in old kung-fu flicks?  They would have to be my two dark horses (which sounds racist, but isn't).

In the end, though, I'm sticking with Mario edging Andre Johnson.

~Jay:

1. Better form of transportation: Falkor or Battlecat?

2. A magic genie appears to you and says, "Eat this piece of cat poop, and the Houston Texans will win the Super Bowl this year." What do you do?

3. What is the best way to fake your own death? Tim may find this answer useful in the future as well.

4. Coffins are expensive. Really expensive. Seems like a waste to me. Like gift wrapping a half-eaten burrito before throwing it away. Your thoughts?

1.  This is a much harder question than I expected it to be when I first read it.  With Falkor, you've got a "luckdragon," which appears to be a lot like a gigantic flying dog-ish thing.  According to the book, luckdragons do not have the physical strength or magical powers of traditional dragons, but they can breathe blue fire.  More importantly, they are called luckdragons because they are ridiculously freaking lucky in pretty much everything they do.  That can't be understated.

Battlecat, however, is deceptively cool.  For one thing, he's a green-and-yellow tiger who is willing to wear a ridiculously ornate saddle and helmet so that he can transport you in style.  Like Falkor, Battlecat can talk, so you'd always have someone to chat with on long journeys.  He's also willing to just jump into a fight and wreck some fools if necessary, like a green feline version of John Shaft.

If I'm forced to make a choice, though, I've to go with Falkor based on the sheer speed difference.  If I have to ride an animal for travel purposes, Falkor is going to get me a lot further a lot faster than would Battlecat.  Also, I prefer dogs to cats, and there's a good chance I'd be allergic to Battlecat.

2. Do I get to put an sauce on it?  Not that the answer matters, mind you; I'm chomping poo either way.  I just want to know how bad the experience is going to be.  (I'd use the fact that the Texans were sure to win to bet everything on them in the preseason, too, so the Lombardi Trophy and the fat stacks of cash would soften the memory of my feline coprophagia.

3. The only way I can see working is to make it look like you drowned while swimming out past the breakers in questionable weather, while, in reality, you have a small boat with a rather large engine waiting down the coast.  Assuming you're in south Texas, after nightfall, you point that boat toward the eastern coast of Mexico.  Once there, you've got two options: attempt to hitchhike/walk/whatever to South America (with a final destination of Tierra del Fuego) or join up with a local drug gang.  In either case, you absolutely have to stay off the grid entirely.  No more talking to the wife or kids or friends from America; you are now Guillermo, and you have no use for phones or los intranetos.

4. They are pretty overpriced for what your survivors actually get from them, that few hours of visitation and the funeral.  At the same time, for you, this is basically the last house and/or vehicle you are ever going to own.  Is it really asking that much to expect the people who love you to send you to the River Styx in the style to which you were accustomed?  I don't think so.  So I plan on having someone convert a '57 Cadillac Eldorado into a casket.  It might be hard for the pall bearers to lug that around, but Anubis and I are going to look awesome on our trip.

Rivers:

What is the most successful (your call on how to interpret this) Halloween costume you’ve ever had? What is one that you’d like to do but have never been able to?

Most successful?  I'll go with the one that got the most laughs, which was a portable mammogram machine.  It was basically a foil-covered box, worn on my head, with boob-sized holes cut into the front.  I held a sign that said "pass" on one side and "testing, remain still" on the other.

As for one I've never been able to pull off?  I'd like to be a believable Hakeem Olajuwon.  I think it's the lack of low-post moves that prevents me from really selling it.

Jay's T-1000

Do you believe Doug Hutchison's (Horace from Lost) new wife is actually 16, or is she a cougar in disguise?

This is the lass in question:

My initial reaction is "no way that chick is sixteen."  (Actually, that's not true; my initial reaction was, "no matter how old she is, why would she marry a 51-year-old C-list actor?")  But then I see that someone who apparently knows her family emailed a blog and confirmed that she's only 16.

So, being the investigative type that I am, I looked at a bunch of pictures of Courtney Stodden. (That's her name, which I probably should have mentioned in the previous paragraph.)  I think I've figured it out --- it's her mouth/jawline that look much older than 16.  Or, more accurately, if you cover up her nose and mouth and look at a pic, she appears that she actually is 16.  Now, what that says about her, I dunno.  But the phrase "ridden hard and put away wet" comes to mind.

tehGrindCrusher:

After many hours spent slaving away in your laboratory you have finally perfected kinetic bombardment. You contract with a commercial space launch company to haul six crowbar-sized tungsten rods into a low earth orbit to serve as relativistic kill vehicles. You will be able to guide these down to earth to smite any six people of your choosing into a fine red dust. Upon whom would you unleash your rods from god? Why?

So as to avoid any wars, whether as the logical outcome in this scenario or of the flame variety in the comments below, I'll leave out any political targets.  With that in mind:

1. Jose Mesa.  Here's why.  Seriously, not enough bad things can befall this guy.

2. Robert Pattinson.  Ooooh, he's like soooo sexy as a brooding, introspective vampire!  Yeah?  Well, let's see how Edward handles a right proper smiting.

3. JJ Abrams.  To save Diehard Chris the trouble of locating Abrams and a deserted warehouse.

4. Jim Tressel.  Oh, sure, he's already suffered the ignominious departure from OSU, but that's not near enough for the Vest.  I'd wait until he got hired elsewhere, then smite him on the field to maximize the visual impact.  Fun Fact: It's true!

5. Peyton Manning.  With apologies to the Colts fans in the basement, I loathe Pey-Pey.  It's not just about the NFL, either; I've despised him ever since he got fisted by Nebraska (with a team that would win a national title the next year without Manning), which, combined with Scott Frost's girly tears, let the coaches give Tom Osborne half a national title as a parting gift.

6. Glenn Beck.  This isn't political.  That guy just sucks as a human.

beefy:

The hate within you is strong like bull. List your most hated franchises/teams/players/schools in descending order. One all-encompassing Top ?? list. I'd love to hear the entire "Things that MDC Hates" list, but Tim may not have the storage to support such a post, so you can limit the list to your own desire. Technically, not a question, but wtf?

I'm adding other stuff beyond your suggested categories, but I will try to rank them all relative to one another.  Think of this like the Richter Scale: each step is an order of magnitude higher than the one above it.  (I have no doubt I missed some stuff in making this list.)

50. Burger King

49. Little Rock

48. Michigan State

47. The state of Iowa

46. Ryan Klesko

45. Oklahoma, both the state and its football teams

44. People Who Want Creationism/Intelligent Design Taught In Science Classes

43. YouTube Celebrities

42. Hipsters

41. Dane Cook

40. Censorship

39. Chris Johnson

38. Petey Faggins

37. Joe Buck

36. Jay Leno

35. The Rest of Arkansas

34. Dry Counties

33. Orlando Bloom

32. "Reality" Relationship Shows (Bachelor, etc.)

31. Shia LaBeouf

30. Names that are verbs (Chase, Lance, etc.)

29. The View

28. People Who Are Late

27. Being Late

26. Dunta Robinson

25. Avatar

24. Joe Morgan

23. People Who Let Their Kids Act Like Jagoffs

22. Incorrectly Used Apostrophes

21. Stephanie Meyer

20. The City of Dallas

19. Moises Alou

18. Being Sober

17. Tony LaRussa

16. Vince Young

15. JJ Abrams

14. Cold Weather

13. Chicago White Sox

12. Robert Pattinson

11. Fred Phelps

10. Coach Roy Williams

9. Arsenal

8. STDs

7. University of Nebraska

6. Tennessee Titans

5. Peyton Manning

4. Airport Security post-9/11

3. Dallas Cowboys

2. Jose Mesa

1. Ohio State