Shakespeare, Running Man, and Hippopotami: An Interactive Experience

I'm feeling somewhat saucy, so let's do something a little different today.  In addition to asking you all to send your questions for this week's Battle Red Bag (c/o mattycamp@gmail.com), I thought I'd ask a couple questions of you, the readers, to prompt some discussion while we continue to wait for the winter of our discontent to be made glorious summer by this sun of (New) York.1

Sounds like fun, no? The questions are below. You must either be directed by some that take upon them to know, or to take upon yourself that which I am sure you do not know, or jump the after inquiry on your own peril.2

Question 1:  Imagine that you are single. (For the married guys, imagine that you were tragically widowed roughly a year ago, and you are just now considering getting back in the dating pool.) Through a friend of a friend, you are reluctantly set up on a blind date. When you arrive at the restaurant, your expectations are fairly low. To your surprise, your date is stunningly attractive. In fact, you quickly realize that you've never spoken to a more beautiful woman in your entire life. Over the course of dinner, you also find out that she is a big sports fan, and your sports likes (and hates) contrast just enough with hers to create interesting banter. Additionally, the two of you have the same taste in movies, the same sense of humor, and the same idea of what constitutes a perfect number of children. When you ask her what she does for a living, you learn that she's insanely wealthy --- which you did not expect in the least because of how cool and normal she seemed --- and she just volunteers from time to time when she's not traveling for fun. She is, simply put, the perfect woman.

The night progresses back to your place and takes a decidedly positive turn when the clothes start coming off. Everything is great, until you realize something: when she is aroused, her voice sounds EXACTLY like your mother's. She has the same inflections, intonations, speech patterns, etc. In fact, with the lights off, it's almost impossible to believe that your mother is not in the room. Worse still, this girl is VERY vocal during sex.

Would you call her for a second date?

Question 2. Due to a strange paradigm shift in American society, fueled in large part by record-breaking sales of a re-release of 1987's The Running Man, executions have become highly public contest of sorts, where a convict is granted his outright release if his wins. (They are broadcast on network tv, cable, and are available for live-streaming through a variety of internet sites).

For some reason, the local prosecutor hates you, and you are railroaded to a guilty verdict for a murder that you did not commit. Your execution contest is set for a week later. In this contest, rather than fighting Sub-Zero and Captain Freedom, the game is much simpler: you have to battle an animal to the death. If you kill the animal, you go free. You are to choose between a grizzly bear, against which you are armed with an aluminum baseball bat; a hippopotamus, against which you are armed with an 8-lb sledgehammer; a bull, against which you are armed with a 10-inch knife; a gorilla, against which you are armed with a stun gun and a heavy wooden club; and a honey badger, against which you are unarmed. The contest takes place in an arena roughly the size of a basketball court with 15-foot-high walls.

Which do you choose?

1 A Richard III reference? Oh yeah, BRB keeps it classy and educational up in here.

2 Cymbeline, holmes.

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