Battle Red Bag, Vol. 12: Bag-Related Pun Goes Here

Guh. Between internet problems, real life stuff, and having company yesterday afternoon, this Battle Red Bag took way longer to complete than I'd originally hoped. I hate it when that happens.

In this week's bag, we hit on Jacoby Jones' development (or lack thereof), what to do if a bank error briefly makes you rich, the difference between condiments and toppings, superhero sex appeal, hypothetical sex changes, non-performance-enhancing drugs, child rearing, desirable female qualities, and other stuff. Enjoy!

Tim:

1. Do you believe Jacoby Jones will ever develop into something more than a maddeningly inconsistent "weapon" at WR/PR? I trust you know how I feel about the matter.

2. What's the true story behind the demise of DGDB&D?

1. No, I don't. Remember in Bull Durham, when Crash Davis told Nuke LaLoosh, "don't think --- it can only hurt the ball club"? Well, I think Jacoby is the apotheosis of that kind of ball player; when he's put in a position where he's asked to do anything but rely on instincts, there's a good chance that it will end poorly. That's why he can make the seemingly impossible catch in traffic, but drop easier throws where he's wide open. It's why he's more dangerous as a punt returner, where the initial reaction is all instinct and reaction, than as a kick returner, where he has to decide whether to bring a ball out and has 20 yards of open space in which to overthink things. I just don't feel like such a player can ever become consistent, which, I agree, is maddening.

2. It was my passive-aggressive attempt to get myself, bfd, and Vega hired on at BRB, and, judging by recent events, it was a success! Now, for phase two -- getting hatemail sent to Tim from former players' ex-wives...

BricAM:

1. Bank error in your favor gives you all the money in the bank, but it will be fixed in a matter of hours/days. What do you do, knowing whatever you buy will be returned, and you'll soon be back to your broke-ass self?

2. Is syrup a topping or condiment?

3. Favorite terrible movie you know is bad but love to watch?

1. If we learned anything from Brewster's Millions, and I choose to think that we did, it's that managing to spend money without acquiring anything of tangible value is difficult, but not impossible. I'd immediately book a first-class, round-trip ticket to Dubai and reserve the most expensive suite at the Burj El Arab (roughly $27,000/night). Once there, I'd get the best table in the Sky View Bar and pound 27,231s --- a cocktail named for its price in local currency (roughly $8,200 per drink). What's in the drink that makes it so expensive? Well, it's basically an Old Fashioned, but it's made with Macallan 55-year-old single-malt Scotch whisky, exclusively produced dried fruit bitters, and homemade passion fruit sugar, served over ice made from water at the Macallan distillery in Scotland, served with an oak stirrer made from a Macallan cask, and presented in a Baccarat 18-carat gold souvenir glass. (I'd leave the glasses behind, just to really up the F-U factor of my ridiculous spending spree.)

2. Merriam-Webster calls condiments "something used to enhance the flavor of foods, especially a pungent seasoning." By that rationale, any topping that enhanced flavor (rather than, say, sprinkles, which just exist to add texture/crunch/multi-chromatic enjoyment) could be a condiment. So, for syrup, I would say that it's both.

3. Point Break. It's just quality absurdity, start to finish. Plus, there's the added part where an Ohio State quarterback had his career ended with a brutal knee injury. EVERYBODY WINS!

Taco Joe:

Ok, I have a few questions for you, and, since I was credited with an email before, I decided I should actually submit one for once.

1. If you could be any superhero for purely sex appeal, who would it be and why?

2. If you were a hot woman for a day, would you be a complete whore, or would you just sit in your room and stare/fondle yourself?

3. If BFD, Jordann, and Rivers were on a dating show, what question would you ask and how would they answer?

1. Easy. Batman. Because, there's nothing that chicks find sexier than having an insane amount of cash. Sure, there's a tendency to think Superman is the right answer, but, as was discussed in Mallrats, the logistics of sex with Superman would be less-than-appealing for all parties.

2. Well, assuming that I am still me mentally, in that I see everything that I'm doing as a hot chick through the eyes of a dude who is just being a hot chick for a day, I'd be a complete whore, but only with other hot chicks.

3. "Contestants -- what is your best pickup line?"

BFD: "Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaase?!?!?" /begins sobbing

Jordann: "Hey, do you have any Asian in you? Would you like some?"

Rivers: "To the untrained eye, I'm eating an orange. To the eye that has brains, I'm making a point about marriage! For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange. First, you have the skin ... then the sweet, sweet innards ..." /devours orange

UofTOrange

With the signing of Kerry Collins to the Colts, who is your All "Non-Performance-Enhancing Drugs" Team?

QB: Collins (alcohol)

WR: Randy Moss (weed), Calvin Johnson (weed)

RB: Ricky Williams (weed), Bam Morris (cocaine)

TE: Jerramy Stevens (weed)

OL: Mark Tuinei (heroin, ecstasy), Nate Newton (weed)

DL: Warren Sapp (weed), Charles Haley (insanity), Casey Hampton (Little Debbie)

LB: Lawrence Taylor (crack), Hollywood Henderson (cocaine), Ray Lewis (stabbing fools)

DB: Terrence Kiel (codeine), Deltha O'Neal (alcohol), Pacman Jones (strippers)

K: Sebastian Janikowski (GHB)

Vega:

Here's my issue: I live in an area of the country where the NFL kind of plays second fiddle to college football. The usual argument is that NFL is too corporate, whereas college players play "for the love of the game." I shouldn't have to explain to you the stupidity of this argument, and since that's not really the point, of this I'll just leave it at that.

As a result of that, and since the few people around here that do care about NFL are either Bucs or Dolphins fans, my NFL Sunday routine generally consists of my sitting alone in the living room, drinking beer (preferably homebrew), and watching the Texans on Sunday Ticket.

Obviously, when combined with the Texans' performances in recent years, this generally results in violent cursing to nobody in particular and, occasionally, damage to nearby furniture. Meanwhile my wife hides out in the bedroom, watching one of those grotesque Gordon Ramsey shows at full volume and hoping the storm will soon pass. (I often imagine that she spends that time sitting in the corner, rocking, clutching her knees, and rubbing a rosary, even though she's about as religious as a baseball bat.)

Well, as you know, recent changes in my family org chart will (hopefully) soon alter that process. While my daughter is only 8 months old right now and couldn't care less about football, I would like to ultimately raise her as a Texans fan, and part of me looks forward to spending Sunday afternoons watching football with her at my side. (The other part of me thinks that subjecting her to a lifetime of Texans football may be the worst thing I could possibly do as a father, but, again, that's a separate discussion.) Though I am as optimistic as I've ever been about the Texans' immediate future, only the most naive of fans would believe that the days of pain are completely behind us. I am not that fan.

You can probably see the issue at hand now. The way I see this, there are three options:

1. Do not alter my behavior and begin to teach her that Sunday afternoons temporarily cause daddy (and most red-blooded American males) to act irrationally and to say things that she should never, ever repeat. Pros: She will know the truth from day one and it may be an excellent life lesson that otherwise good people can occasionally act irrationally. Cons: There's at least a 10% chance that it irrevocably damages our relationship and she ends up growing up as a weird hippy.

2. Alter my behavior and try to contain my anger when the next Q-tip/Rosencopter/OT pick 6, etc. occurs. Pros: We happily enjoy years and years of Texans games without incident. Cons: The bottling up of so much anger eventually causes me to burst and become a serial killer (ok... perhaps that qualifies as "incident").

3. Abandon the dreams of watching football with my daughter, banish her to the bedroom with the wife, and return to the original procedure. Pros: I continue to watch the Texans in as safe a manner as possible without putting my daughter's future at risk. Cons: She becomes a fan of Gordon Ramsey.

I guess you could argue that there's a fourth option of allowing her to become a fan of another team, but the potential consequences of that could be disastrous, so I'd prefer to avoid it all together.

As a follow up, how would you change that answer if I were to have a son?

The "correct" answer is probably #2, but that's not completely realistic. I guess my approach has been to aim for number 2 while realizing that, in certain situations, number 1 is going to happen. Which is to say, no matter how much you try to limit the violent, obscenity-filled outbursts, when Eugene Wilson bites on a middle route and leaves Braylon Edwards wide open down the sideline, there is going to be cursing, and there's nothing you can (or should) do about it.

Full disclosure: on the aforementioned play, I lost my mind and screamed that I hoped Eugene Wilson was stabbed to death in a dark alley in front of his wife and mother. Both of my kids were more than a little frightened by this. My wife said, "tell them that you didn't really mean that!" My response: "But I did mean it! F**k that guy!"

/Father O' The Year

As to how my advice would change if you had a son, it wouldn't, save for I would encourage questionable jokes about the cheerleaders when they are onscreen.

Point to all of this being: I am probably a terrible person to ask such questions.

Rivers:

1) You've become the fantasy football savant here at BRB. Give us some good team names.

2) Will the world ever reach the point of global peace, or is that just a hippie dream?

3) Rather than go into another "who would you bang first?" piece ... what traits actually comprise your ideal female? (Size, eyes, lips, values, etc. Whatever is most important to you.)

1) In the various BRB Y! leagues --- did you know that SBN and Y! Sports have partnered to provide the ultimate Fantasy Football Experience?! --- there are some great names, many of which are not even Archer-related. My favorites from those leagues:

• The Balloon Knots
• 2 girls 1 succop
• Creativity is Dead
• show me your tds
• Houston Weightspeed
• Regis This Morning
• Wade's Buffet Bender
• Krieger's Formula K

2) Total hippie dream. Even if you could somehow get people to pass on the financial and political incentives for some wars, you've still got the fact that there are a lot of groups that hate one another and have for centuries. That old-school, dyed-in-the-wool hatred is going to always make it impossible for all of us to get along, Rodney King's pleas notwithstanding. Besides, you'll never get the people who have the ability to wage war to overlook the monetary and political advantages that some wars can bring.

3) Interesting question, mainly because I've never thought about it in terms of trying to put it into words. (Putting it into pictures is easier.) Let me think ...

I have a redhead fetish that stems from my universal redhead theory, but, more often than not, I prefer brunettes. I like a girl with curves; I definitely prefer a little chubby to too skinny. Not being overly tall myself, I tend to prefer chicks who are 5'5" or less (though I don't discriminate --- I briefly dated a 5'11" chick in high school, and it was interesting to say the least). Having nice eyes and nice, full lips is important, as is having a sense of humor that doesn't recoil in horror at some of the random and bizarre stuff I say.

***

Bonus Archer clip!