Battle Red Onion: Trauma Counselors On Hand at Reliant Stadium For Unexpected Reason

Kerry Collins, before he returned to his life as a rambling, drunken hobo.
Once Again Proudly Distributing Sensationalized Rubbish Since Last October

September 13, 2011

Houston, Texas

It was like something out of a dream for Texans fans at Reliant Stadium last Sunday.  As the final whistle blew and the score went into the record books, it seemed like the impossible had happened.  The Texans had stomped the life out of the Indianapolis Colts, 34-7.  While the game seemed dream-like for fans of the local team, it looked more like a nightmare for the Colts players; one that they have been reliving over and over again, long after the game ended. 

As the game ended and fans exited the stadium, the Texans' cadre of expert grief counselors, on retainer since the Ravens game last season, were on hand to give their usual comforting and solace.  Except this week, the fans weren't the ones lining up to lay down on a therapist's couch.  Their destination was the visiting team's locker room.

"Have you ever felt trapped in a bad dream," asked Colts head coach Jim Caldwell, blinking uncontrollably after the defeat, "and you couldn't wake up from it?  That's wh-where I'm at right now."  Caldwell jumped in his chair as  he heard a loud thumping noise, which turned out to be little more than the water cooler gurgling.  "We-we're a little shaken up at the moment, but it's all correctable.  There's nothing for us to worry ab-about."

"Yeah, Coach Caldwell's in a bad spot right now.  The blinking alone makes me worry he's on the brink of an epileptic fit.  But believe it or not, Caldwell was one of the luckier ones out there," said one therapist holding back a solitary giggle.  "The players have not been the same since they got off the field."

And that's no joke.  Rookie offensive tackle Anthony Castonzo said, "I-I-I-I haven't slept for more than a couple of hours since that game.  Every time, every time I close my eyes, I see Mario Williams, his eyes red as blood and floating above him a hooded man wearing black and holding a scythe bearing down on me."  As Castonzo blinked, he screamed "Oh God, no, please don't hurt me, don't take me!  I'm too young to die!!!!!"

"I just feel terrible about it," said rookie defensive end J.J. Watt, "I mean, I wanted to show what we, as a defense, were capable of.  I did not want anybody driven insane, though!  Poor Ryan Diem. I think I saw him loaded into an ambulance headed for St. Mickey's Psychological Hospital and Chinese Buffet.  He was singing 'Popeye The Sailor Man' as they closed the doors on him and drove off.  It was really sad to see."

But the worst off of the Colts' players had to be Peyton Manning's sudden understudy Kerry Collins.  Fresh off of his Favrean retirement and subsequent stay at the Union Gospel Mission in Nashville, Collins was routinely beaten up by the Texans sudden pass rush.

"I don't know if Kerry will ever be the same," said Texans defensive coordinator Wade Phillips.  "The other Colts were leaving the field and Kerry just stood there, staring.  He looked like he was a million miles away, or something."  The following evening, Kerry was found at Market Square Park sitting on a bench, rocking slowly back and forth.  As Houston police grew closer to the elderly quarterback, Collins grew angry, his hair sticking up in every direction, clutching tightly to his bottle of Thunderbird and mumbling what one policeman thought sounded like he said, "Gallooo, twerple, boiled peanuts with waffles, how dare you say I'm not the king of Swabia!  Swag, chickie-boom, swag chickie-boom, swag chickie-boom, carrot!"

"I've never seen any case as bad as this, before," said an unnamed therapist after taking a look at his psych profile with the same amount of time and care that an ESPN reporter looks at a Twitter pic of a random MRI, "I think the only solution for him is electroshock therapy.  It really can work wonders.  It worked for Michael Vick, after all."

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