Battle Red Onion: Shaun Cody To Undergo Risky Surgery

Proudly Distributing Sensationalized Rubbish Since Last October

September 21, 2011

Houston, Texas

There comes a point in every football player's career where that player realizes that his time on the football field won't last forever.  Around this time, players will usually do one of two things.  They'll either redouble their efforts and become an even greater player, or they'll simply fade from the league and from the memory of the average football fan.  After another terrible day at the office and years of abuse by fans and bloggers alike, Texans nose tackle Shaun Cody found himself standing at those very crossroads. 

"I didn't think I wanted more than what I already had," said the 28-year-old Cody, "but I do.  I want to become one of the all-time greats."  However nice a sentiment, Cody has not exactly been known for being motivated to do anything, let alone improving as a player, and Canton is not building a "famous lumps o' wood" wing to the Hall of Fame anytime soon.  For most people, that would be a problem, but Cody found a way of getting around doing the hard work necessary for improvement.

According to the Houston Texans' department of propaganda/media relations, Shaun Cody will undergo a controversial procedure known only as "infusion surgery."  The idea first came to Cody by way of Texans defensive coordinator, and all-around savior of the defense, Wade Phillips.

"Shaun and I were talkin' about how piss-poor he was at nose again, well, in between moments when he fell asleep standing up like a horse, and I mentioned this new treatment that I'd heard about.  Next thing you know, Cody's off looking for doctors to perform surgery on him."

The Texans have vast resources and access to the best doctors on the planet, but oddly enough, the medical community has been surprisingly reticent to take on the task of improving Shaun Cody.  "I even contacted BillyWitchdoctor.com to see if they would send someone out for the job, but they didn't want any part of it either."

So far, only one doctor has taken up Cody's request:  Dr. Ivo Shandor, a physician from an obscure Albanian village.

"Is a very big challenge for me.  But I feel I'm up to task.  They said I was fool, my malpractice insurance cancel on me, and villagers drove me away with pitchforks.  But I not worry.  I can get by.  I have performed many unnecessary surgeries on side to get by.  This is the kind of medicine my idol, the badly misunderstood Dr. Mengele, would practice, and I proud to follow his footsteps."

An odd choice to be sure, but he has the full faith of the Texans defender.  "I believe in him, Coach Kubiak believes in him.  What could possibly go wrong?"

A lot, it turns out.  Infusion surgery has a dreadful 4% success rate.  Only one person is known to have survived it, a Canadian national who angrily refused to comment on our story.

What makes this surgery so controversial?  Basically, while the patient is under, he is injected hundreds of times by needles filled with a rare substance known as liquid adamantite.  These injections coat the patient's bones with the serum and create an unbreakable skeletal structure within his body. 

"If I had an unbreakable body, I could stand still and entire offensive lines couldn't budge me if they wanted to.  I can be lazy and effective at the same time!  It's a win-win!"

While Cody is optimistic about his impending surgery, more than a few doctors are skeptical.  "What makes this such an incredible risk," says Dr. Ken Furst, a local physician, "is that the one guy who did survive, rumor has it, had this superhuman ability to repair himself.  I don't think Cody has that kind of ability in him."

Another person who seems optimistic about Cody's chances is Houston Texans beat writer John McClain.  "I think he has an outstanding chance to make a full recovery and get on the field in time for the Saints game on Sunday.  Granted, I haven't done the slightest bit of research into infusion therapy and I have all the medical understanding of a plump butternut squash, but I think he'll do fine.  If not, then it'll probably kill him.  Either way it would be an improvement for the Texans.  I hope it doesn't, because that would mean having to write a whole column about how I thought it was a terrible idea from the start."

Nice to see that someone has their priorities in order.