Freddy's Letters: An Appeal for Ethics

You write an update. You write an apology.

You don’t cover it up like the (newly) proverbial cat trying to cover up a pile of elephant dung in the litter box (h/t Seaborn). Morons they are. Morons! This stuff ain’t rocket scientifical.

Stunning.

Shame on NFP for not issuing some sort of apology or retraction….luckily, Freddy has made sure that we will never forget.

Hmm, can we just burn all of them down now?!

Mario Williams was just traded to Birmingham Uninted to play goalie. No really it’s true. You just read it on the internet.

But because I love me ohsomuch!, here it is:

First of all, I’d like to congratulate NFP for being classless in deleting the post there, not issuing an apology or retraction in its place. It takes a special kind of horrible to try and erase history as dictated by the stupid.

Secondly, Terry, brother, this isn’t your first hacktastic slash and burn at the Texans, is it? In fact, don’t you have quite the record AND reputation for just kind of making up stuff as you go along? You are, truly, a horrendous reporter, worse writer, and your next job should be writing for the chron.com, as I can think of no better punishment than working with the dimmest of sports writing bulbs.

Finally, because old news is obviously important to you, we won WWII! USA! USA! USA! #breakinginterrysworld

Dear Sir or Madam (I won’t bother using your name as I have no intention of remembering it),

It has come to my attention that you have tried valiantly (this is called irony, a rhetorical device used by legitimate writers to convey the opposite of what they’re feeling; kind of like sarcasm for smart people) to write an article about my Houston Texans. Frankly, I think it’s adorable, and I thank you for putting this out. However, I think you could have accomplished more if you had just sent everyone who had the misfortune of reading this…this…verbal equivalent of explosive diarrhea ACTUAL toilet paper, instead.

Wouldn’t it have just been easier for you to make stuff up instead of shoveling two-year-old horse crap and calling it breaking news? Or is it that news travels so slowly between your brain and the rest of the English-reading world that this is, in fact news to you? That must really make life difficult, I’d imagine.

Anyway, I’ll leave you to what you call your “writing,” I will be printing this story and putting to the only real use it has.

Hey! Maybe that’s what you should do instead! Sell toilet paper!

I’ll even help with some catchphrases!

“Please don’t squeeze the McCormick!”

Or, “McCormick toilet paper. Strong enough for a man, but written by a moron.”

He’s the voice of a new generation.