Three And Out: Useless Predictions For Colts-Texans
by Tim on Sep 9, 2011 3:02 PM CDT
in Three And Out
Email
PrintThe first real Texans game of the season is on Sunday, which means the first "Three And Out" of the 2011 season, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing, lies in wait for you after the jump.
What's this "Three And Out" nonsense, you ask? Why, it's a banal bit of schtick that's as BRBican as bleach pie, that's what it is! To quote myself:
Each week, I'll make three (3) predictions concerning statistics, plays, performance, and the like that are guaranteed to occur in Sunday's Texans game. How often are said predictions accurate? Virtually never. Remember--I'm a moron. Nevertheless, I have a microphone and you don't, so you will read every damn prediction I make!
Simply put, you should bet everything you own on each of my three (3) specific predictions, plus my final score "guarantee," coming true on Sunday. If any of them are wrong, it's just because you didn't believe in me enough. To the jump!
1. Mario Williams will sack Kerry Collins. Antonio Smith will sack Kerry Collins. Connor Barwin will sack Kerry Collins. Brooks Reed will sack Kerry Collins. Yes, your Houston Texans will sack the QB four (4) times on Sunday. Frank Bush will watch the highlights that night on "The George Michael Sports Machine," and he will try to call Richard Smith to commiserate. Sadly, Bush will dial the wrong number, refuse to consider that maybe he's doing it wrong, and continue dialing the wrong number 11,093 times over the next five hours while eating a gallon of ice cream (vanilla, of course).
2. Arian Foster will start on Sunday, but he won't play the entire game. Not because he gets hurt; simply because Gary Kubiak is determined to limit the number of times he puts Arian's hamstring in harm's way. Fantasy football players who "own" Foster will freak out, and some of them will trade him. Which they shouldn't, because Arian Foster is going to have a very good season, hamstring issue notwithstanding. Foster's final stat line on Sunday: 13 carries for 66 yards and 2 receptions for 15 yards. Oh, and 1 TD. Other Texans scoring touchdowns on Sunday: Owen Daniels, Andre Johnson, and Derrick Ward.
3. Glover Quin will have the first interception of the season, courtesy of a badly thrown deep ball to no one in particular. It won't be the result of an unbelievable play on Quin's part; it'll be the result of miscommunication between Collins and one of Indianapolis' WRs. You'll watch the play and wonder, "Who is Collins throwing to?". Jim Caldwell will respond to the setback by blankly staring at the Texans' sideline.
PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: As I said here, I would have picked the Texans to win on Sunday even if Peyton Manning was playing. Without Peyton, and with a QB lured back from retirement a couple of weeks ago who isn't exactly all that familar with Indy's system? The margin of victory increases dramatically. "Dramatically" as in, "The Texans win this game by double-digits," which would be heresy if Peyton Manning was playing. Texans 28, Colts 17.
181 comments
|
2 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
Here's hopin'...
"Suck it, Jim Tressel, you filthy, cheating, unfashionable piece of monkey scrotum."
- MDC
"Let’s leave all the football talk to knowledgeable experts who have played the game, like Matt Millen and Emmitt Smith."
-tehGrindCrusher
“The Texans win this game by double-digits,” which would be heresy if Peyton Manning was playing.
They won by 10 last year with Frank “efense” Bush.
Canal Street Chronicles-A place of great Saints news and information. Oh and the stuff I write!
Bring back Aaron Brooks! He's the only one who can save us from the evil that is Drew Brees!!
I Know
And that was the one time in 18 tries it ever happened. Hell, I still have trouble believing it happened.
Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...
by Tim on Sep 9, 2011 3:18 PM CDT up reply actions
It was a conspiracy involving the Illumanti.
/too much deux ex:hr
Canal Street Chronicles-A place of great Saints news and information. Oh and the stuff I write!
Bring back Aaron Brooks! He's the only one who can save us from the evil that is Drew Brees!!
No such thing as too much Deus Ex.
I’d like to outfit every player on the Texans’ defense with a reflex booster. Double take-downs? Yes, please.
I'd like to give Kareem the bionic legs.
Canal Street Chronicles-A place of great Saints news and information. Oh and the stuff I write!
Bring back Aaron Brooks! He's the only one who can save us from the evil that is Drew Brees!!
A TD to THOR would be nice
And that would make five total. On par with the rest of the season I would say
Here's to hoping JJ Watt was our last top 20 draft pick for a while
What about Watt?
you dont have Watt getting a sack. Other than that I have no problem with your prediction’s.
No Sack For Watt
But I think he’ll play very well and bat at least one ball down at the LOS.
Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...
by Tim on Sep 9, 2011 3:18 PM CDT up reply actions
I'm going out on a limb
he does bat at least one ball down like you said. He also gets a sack and recovers a fumble caused by Mario or Antonio.
Just give him his sack Tim
Future HOF’er.
- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter | Football Outsiders | Battle Red Blog
Ees boolshit he haz to wait til footure!
The Two-Day Hangover @ SBN Houston | Twitter
by MDC on Sep 9, 2011 6:22 PM CDT up reply actions
Damn right!
Oh…you weren’t being serious, were you?
Sighhhh…
Despite my better judgment, a manager at Battle Red Blog.
Supreme Galactic Editor of Battle Red Onion.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now where are those pants at?!
Football is war by other means. - Carl von Clausewitz...sorta.
by UprootedTexan on Sep 9, 2011 6:23 PM CDT up reply actions
Ya'll are not very creative...
Here are my 3 predictions…
Mi firsto predictiono…Mario will look like shit and we will make the Indy running attack look genius at first. Yet they will have to resort to tossing the ball fairly early and that will result in a deflection at the line by that white guy that everyone hates and a pick by the other skinny white guy linebacker that used to shoot shit into his ass.
El numero dos predictiono…Glover plays so well that we are considering him the better of the two safties…he will play the run well and make a couple good open field tackles on some short tosses from the old guy and he will put a licking on at least one receiver and dislodge the ball. Also he will be caught picking his nose on the sideline in the 3rd quarter at some point.
Predictiono number tres…Our offense will look as sick and nasty as it did in the middle two preseason games. Tate is going to raise some eyebrows, Foster will play and break at least one open, Casey is going to show why DC’s in the league should be scared, and Fuck em all but the Texans are going to show the NFL that there will STILL be a stud coming outta the Dirty South Ya’ll! Foshizzle.
by Peckerwood on Sep 10, 2011 1:26 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Oh Three and Out
How I have missed thee.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
"Blind fandom is all I got left." - LoneSpot
"To three or not to three..."
Sorry… seem stuck on th’ Bard today…
/looks for meds
"Suck it, Jim Tressel, you filthy, cheating, unfashionable piece of monkey scrotum."
- MDC
"Let’s leave all the football talk to knowledgeable experts who have played the game, like Matt Millen and Emmitt Smith."
-tehGrindCrusher
Can't... need all the pretty lights for myself...
The voices in my head said so.
"Suck it, Jim Tressel, you filthy, cheating, unfashionable piece of monkey scrotum."
- MDC
"Let’s leave all the football talk to knowledgeable experts who have played the game, like Matt Millen and Emmitt Smith."
-tehGrindCrusher
Oh "Three and Out," how I have missed thee,
you give me hope, to carry on
as the gurney creaks, and they cart Peyton
and Arian stretches, his muscled hammy
Connor and Mario, ready their double whammy
DeMeco and Wade, are fine-tuning the D
as Quinn and Manning, prepare the Dead Sea
AJ and Walter, praise durga for good measure
and Schauby flips a football, it feels light as a feather
so this day is upon us, Tim has made his decree
The Texans by eleven, Las Vegas pay me!
I didn't do anything wrong!.... and, I won't do it again.
by Rip Jersey on Sep 9, 2011 3:36 PM CDT up reply actions 13 recs
Oh you KNOW I'll rec that... good effort.
"Suck it, Jim Tressel, you filthy, cheating, unfashionable piece of monkey scrotum."
- MDC
"Let’s leave all the football talk to knowledgeable experts who have played the game, like Matt Millen and Emmitt Smith."
-tehGrindCrusher
Wow
I’m impressed.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
"Blind fandom is all I got left." - LoneSpot
Well done, sir.
Rec’d accordingly.
Despite my better judgment, a manager at Battle Red Blog.
Supreme Galactic Editor of Battle Red Onion.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now where are those pants at?!
Football is war by other means. - Carl von Clausewitz...sorta.
by UprootedTexan on Sep 9, 2011 5:08 PM CDT up reply actions
What are those?
I remember hearing about that on last night’s game but never in connection with the Texans.
Despite my better judgment, a manager at Battle Red Blog.
Supreme Galactic Editor of Battle Red Onion.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now where are those pants at?!
Football is war by other means. - Carl von Clausewitz...sorta.
by UprootedTexan on Sep 9, 2011 5:08 PM CDT up reply actions
Just mortgaged the house
and sold the rights of 2 of my three children (of my choosing of course) and put it all on three. Here’s to ol Timmy being right!
Is Kjax really our starting CB2?
Never understood...
why so many people think Romo is better than Schaub… Does he have a playoff win? Yes, but who is consistently better out of the two? Schaub… by leaps and bounds.
He also single handedly blew a playoff victory, all on his own.
So it cancels out that win.
And Schaub is better than Romo.
first time post
i think tate will have a TD, after ward gets some good blocks in on pass coverage and put them on their heels, they will open the gate for tate
I bet we win twice in Indy this year!!!
by vegastexan on Sep 9, 2011 3:28 PM CDT reply actions 6 recs
Welcome!
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
"Blind fandom is all I got left." - LoneSpot
Gooooooooooo....
………ooOOOOOoooooooOOOoouuuuuuwaaaaaaaaaaaaa’daaaaaaah
LULZ
“The George Michael Sports Machine”
"
Blind fandom is all I got left.
"Down to clown with some other chick's lady bits" ~ MDC
That show was gaudy even then.
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
"Blind fandom is all I got left." - LoneSpot
Another prediction
Lone spot will be wasted by kickoff!
@THEREALALLENOU on twitter - "The man, the verb, the legend" OU'd
by AllenOU on Sep 9, 2011 3:45 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
...and water will continue to be wet.
Blind fandom is all I got left.
"Down to clown with some other chick's lady bits" ~ MDC
I am going out on a limb, not one I like or use much, but a limb and say that K-Jax gets a pick. I think that we get at least one isn’t that much of a stretch with Vodka Collins starting, but since K-Jax will see the lions share of targets, and while he may not be perfect I think he’ll end up underneath an Out route and go get it.
I think we destroy Anthony Costanzo, Mario gets 2+ sacks and one of them is a pure speed rush… Maybe I just want to see that happen. I’l stand by the 2+ sacks.
And If I’m giving a third, I think we tear apart the Colts D on the ground racking up 250 yards between Ward and Tate and 3 TD’s. 2 TD’s through the air.
H-Town 38 – Knackered Cobblers 9
I like your attitude
Might I suggest….. the constant pressure will get to Collins and he will toss up a few balls for grabs and Quinn and Manning will take full advantage of it. I expect at least two INTs in the first half prompting the Colts to bring in Painter to finish the job. Alas, “finish the job” really applies to the job the Texans D already started as the force the another INT, whereupon the Colts assume the fetal position and roll out the run & punt scheme. It isn’t pretty.
After the game, Caldwell says, “It’s on me.”
Kubiak, “I agree.”
Wade, “I told you so.”
I didn't do anything wrong!.... and, I won't do it again.
by Rip Jersey on Sep 9, 2011 3:51 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
It’s really hard to imagine the Colts playing well without Manning. Collins is going to be slow on his reads, inaccurate and immobile. The O-line is relatively weak, and their defense is built to play with a lead and come after you. I think we punch them in the jaw, and slap the words “soft” out of Michael Lombardi’s dirty mouth.
I have a question
Do you think Kareem Jackson is good enough to be a good #2 CB
All I want to do is FAAAARRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMM!!!....and COok.
No
I await the slings and arrows of those who disagree with me.
Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...
by Tim on Sep 9, 2011 4:00 PM CDT up reply actions
He will be what he will be
To date he has not been.
I honestly think he will improve even if his play doesn’t. What do I mean? I mean that there’ll be less schematic mistakes, he’ll be in a better situation so even were his play to remain the same the results would be different. That’s my two cents.
I'd like a follow-up question please...
Do you think that anti-weeble has the potential to grow into being a solid #2 CB or was it just a wasted pick?
"Suck it, Jim Tressel, you filthy, cheating, unfashionable piece of monkey scrotum."
- MDC
"Let’s leave all the football talk to knowledgeable experts who have played the game, like Matt Millen and Emmitt Smith."
-tehGrindCrusher
Re: Follow-Up Question
I won’t call him a wasted pick yet, as it’s still too early to do that. I do, however, have significant doubts that Kareem Jackson will transform into a legitimate starting cornerback in the NFL.
As much as I’d like to believe that his rookie shortcomings were primarily due to Frank Bush, David Gibbs, and/or the red carpet zone, I can’t.
Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...
by Tim on Sep 9, 2011 4:28 PM CDT up reply actions
that wasnt quite the question
there are always doubts…do you think he has the talent/potential to get there?
contrary to public opinion
maybe is sometimes an acceptable answer
Don't Want To Write Him Off Yet
So I won’t say no. I think we’ll have an infinitely better idea of the answer to that question by the end of this season, if not even sooner than that.
Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...
by Tim on Sep 9, 2011 4:36 PM CDT up reply actions
I gave him an opening
and he ran at it like he was Arian Foster or something
No.
His somewhat impressive 40 time was a surprise to Nick Saban. His college coach of 3 years. Nick Saban >>>> 40 yard dashes.
Blind fandom is all I got left.
"Down to clown with some other chick's lady bits" ~ MDC
does he need elite speed to be an effective #2 cb?
but based on what Wade says, he sure wasn’t NFL ready, and Saban apparently advised him that he wasn’t ready to enter the draft. That should have been a red flag to the Texans
Elite speed?
ISWYDT. By asking if he needs elite speed to be a CB2, you’ve effectively framed the argument that good CB2s do not have elite speed. By that presupposition, you’d most likely be correct (except in Philly / NYJ). However, it begs the question, “How much speed does it take to be a CB2?” While I don’t know the exact answer to that question, I do know the answer is not “Kareem Jackson’s speed.”
Blind fandom is all I got left.
"Down to clown with some other chick's lady bits" ~ MDC
...and anyone who's ever played football in Texas can tell you:
You can’t teach speed.
Blind fandom is all I got left.
"Down to clown with some other chick's lady bits" ~ MDC
just for the sake of argument
there are running techniques that can significantly improve your times, but obviously everyone has a top end. It is a lot harder to teach height, lol.
are you judging his speed by watching him on the field?
I think that can sometimes be misleading. A lot of that can be influenced by knowing what to do in certain situations, and anticipating or reading the offense. That greatly impacts the reaction time and that first step can make a huge difference.
what I thought I saw him do a lot
was wait too long before he turned and ran with the receiver
Did you ever see him close a gap?
Unfortunately, I did not. Slow to react + Slow of foot =/= good CB2. Just sayin’.
Blind fandom is all I got left.
"Down to clown with some other chick's lady bits" ~ MDC
no, but I didnt see him lose a lot of ground either
I think slow to react can be improved.
Agreed
But his play is on him, and shouldn’t be judged based on someone else’s play. He’s a CB. It’s a pretty easy eyeball test. Second easiest eyeball test on the field, IMHO.
Blind fandom is all I got left.
"Down to clown with some other chick's lady bits" ~ MDC
I think your bar is set too high
I agree he doesnt have the speed to be a shut-down corner ala Nnamdi, but I dont think you have to be that to be effective. With a decent pass rush and safety support, he mostly needs to defend the under routes. I think he has the talent, if not the skills, to do that. I think we saw evidence of much better db play this preseason…even before JJ got off injury.
presuming the top 25-30 db's play db#1
he really only needs to break the top 40 to be a top tier db#2? I think those guys are allowed a wart or two.
he's going to surprise a lot of QB's this year
he was put in a bad position last year. A NFL defense is much more intense than college. He’ll settle down now. With opposing QB’s trying to test him, they’ll get burned.
no matter how bad they play, no matter how stupid they act, I still love my texans!
Or certain aspects of American history!
The Two-Day Hangover @ SBN Houston | Twitter
by MDC on Sep 9, 2011 6:25 PM CDT up reply actions
Like Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Civil Rights,
Piddly things like that.
Despite my better judgment, a manager at Battle Red Blog.
Supreme Galactic Editor of Battle Red Onion.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now where are those pants at?!
Football is war by other means. - Carl von Clausewitz...sorta.
by UprootedTexan on Sep 9, 2011 6:25 PM CDT up reply actions
Those things are a lie!
The Two-Day Hangover @ SBN Houston | Twitter
by MDC on Sep 9, 2011 6:51 PM CDT up reply actions
Hi BleachBum...
That is an easy answer. “YES” …he does have the talent. How do i know that? Because the Broncos brought in a coach with the intention of Tim Tebow getting the starting nod. Tebow was the future of that franchise. And what does the headcoach do? He puts him to the back of the bench. Why? Because he wasn’t good enough to start. Kareem was not NEARLY as hyped as Tebow and what did our coach do? He didn’t toss him to the back of the bench did he? And you can’t say, "Well, Denver has some damn good QB’s…because they don’t. So…based on the fact that Wade likes him, and gave him the starting position, I think it’s pretty easy to say that yes, he does have the talent. He might not be the Texans version of Cris Dishman, but if he’s a good 2CB it will be a good investment. Besides, we all know that you can have a subpar secondary with a front 12 (seems like it with all of the flying bodies) that’s as good as we have (I hope).
Wade also drafted two CBs...
And signed a premier guy in free agency. Seems to me like the goal is to bump Kareem to nickel at best. That ain’t exactly a shining endorsement.
Yeah, that was before he was allowed to meet with the players.
Tape doesn’t tell the entire tale. And have you heard him say anything negative about Kareem?
Yeah
Didn’t he say something about “needing to be coached” or some shit?
The Two-Day Hangover @ SBN Houston | Twitter
Have you heard him say anything negative about anybody?
Coach-speak is meaningless. Personnel decisions, however, are quite telling.
I believe by the end of the year
a lot of people will change their opinion of him. Last year he was put into a position where there was no way he could succeed. People say he is a hard worker and smart. That tells me he is going to improve, and with a good system, I bet he improves a lot.
This game might be closer than others think. My predictions:
1. Antonio Smith will tally up 2 sacks. He’s poised to have a huge year. Dominated in preseason. Mario Williams will also have 2 sacks. Barwin will also chip in with 1. Their OLine isn’t that good, especially on the left side, so 5 sacks makes sense to me.
2. Reggie Wayne is going to tear us up, regardless if JoJo is on him. Just a hunch.
3. Houston running backs will combine for over 200 yards and 3 TDs.
PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: Danieal Manning will pick off Collins and return it for a TD.
Final score: Houston over Indy 31-20
"Hakeem couldn't kick your ass cuz you were too
close kissin his!"- Sir Charles to Kenny Smith.
The right side of our O-line is much worse than the left side.
Oh, how I hope you’re wrong about the sacks. I’m not used to watching my QB go down more than a couple of times a game.
"I am in favor of censorship ‐ not against what is supposed to be sexy or dirty, but against what is idiotic." -Jean Renoir
Random fact of the week from the empty void that is my mind: This is a depressing week.
You just going to softball that up there like that?
The Two-Day Hangover @ SBN Houston | Twitter
by MDC on Sep 9, 2011 6:25 PM CDT up reply actions
When Peyton's out for probably the season,
pretty much every comment is a softball.
"I am in favor of censorship ‐ not against what is supposed to be sexy or dirty, but against what is idiotic." -Jean Renoir
Random fact of the week from the empty void that is my mind: This is a depressing week.
Am I allowed to predict bad things?
1) Addai will rack up 85 combined yards on screen passes and draw plays. When running up the gut, however, he’ll post a paltry 25 yards on 10 carries and get stripped once by Quin.
2) Duane Brown will play an excellent game (en route to an excellent season). However, Dwight Freeney will still notch 1.5 sacks. He simply won’t be denied.
3) The Texans will settle for two red-zone field goals: one as a result of a Jacoby Jones third-down drop, and the other coming on a third-down strip-sack by Mathis (which will be recovered by Wade Smith).
Despite playing a sloppy game, the Texans will force three turnovers and dominate in time of possession and total yardage, riding three Neil Rackers field goals to a 23-10 victory.
I can easily bet against the first one.
Addai is one of the best ever in ball security. He has had 6 fumbles in 5 years, or one fumble every ~ 192 touches, and one of the fumbles last year is the play where the Redskins blew up his shoulder and knocked him out of the game.
"I am in favor of censorship ‐ not against what is supposed to be sexy or dirty, but against what is idiotic." -Jean Renoir
Random fact of the week from the empty void that is my mind: This is a depressing week.
So, effectively your saying "That could NEVER happen..." correct?
"Suck it, Jim Tressel, you filthy, cheating, unfashionable piece of monkey scrotum."
- MDC
"Let’s leave all the football talk to knowledgeable experts who have played the game, like Matt Millen and Emmitt Smith."
-tehGrindCrusher
Oh, that's a loaded question.
Like my subject line said, it’s one of the easiest things to bet against.
"I am in favor of censorship ‐ not against what is supposed to be sexy or dirty, but against what is idiotic." -Jean Renoir
Random fact of the week from the empty void that is my mind: This is a depressing week.
Actually it was a very carefully worded jinx question...
"Suck it, Jim Tressel, you filthy, cheating, unfashionable piece of monkey scrotum."
- MDC
"Let’s leave all the football talk to knowledgeable experts who have played the game, like Matt Millen and Emmitt Smith."
-tehGrindCrusher
For the Wedding Singer referance alone
You sir, are a genius.
Prediction: Texans rape Colts…dry, no lube.
by Its Gonna Happen on Sep 9, 2011 4:34 PM CDT via mobile reply actions 5 recs
Rec'd for no lube.
Blind fandom is all I got left.
"Down to clown with some other chick's lady bits" ~ MDC
Dont ask me how that happened...
I graduated hischool
by Its Gonna Happen on Sep 9, 2011 5:20 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
Um...uh...never mind.
Despite my better judgment, a manager at Battle Red Blog.
Supreme Galactic Editor of Battle Red Onion.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now where are those pants at?!
Football is war by other means. - Carl von Clausewitz...sorta.
by UprootedTexan on Sep 9, 2011 5:21 PM CDT up reply actions 2 recs
^This
And get the fuck outta my head.
Blind fandom is all I got left.
"Down to clown with some other chick's lady bits" ~ MDC
Why?
And where do you plan on getting tacos from?
Despite my better judgment, a manager at Battle Red Blog.
Supreme Galactic Editor of Battle Red Onion.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now where are those pants at?!
Football is war by other means. - Carl von Clausewitz...sorta.
by UprootedTexan on Sep 9, 2011 5:23 PM CDT up reply actions
Thanks for the reminder
I’d forgotten how much I hate those Progressive ads.
Blind fandom is all I got left.
"Down to clown with some other chick's lady bits" ~ MDC
I do what I can.
This is a public service.
Despite my better judgment, a manager at Battle Red Blog.
Supreme Galactic Editor of Battle Red Onion.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now where are those pants at?!
Football is war by other means. - Carl von Clausewitz...sorta.
by UprootedTexan on Sep 9, 2011 5:37 PM CDT up reply actions
I got them kicking 3 FG
Move the ball well enough but we keep them out of the endzone until a garbage time score.
Follow me on twitter: @Super_Stud2100
I feel like something is missing
this post doesn’t feel complete without some chest-thumping exuberance marinated in blind homer-ism doused with over the top trash talking…
The Sandler approach is alright
But I think you would’ve been better off with the Harold Camping method.
- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter | Football Outsiders | Battle Red Blog
as I sneak over to Google Harold Camping...
this would only apply if we started out 6-0 this year…and rivers has been taken over by aliens
Da Bears
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
"Blind fandom is all I got left." - LoneSpot
by bigfatdrunk on Sep 9, 2011 5:14 PM CDT up reply actions 3 recs
I think we all agree that the Texans would beat a hurricane
But what if the the hurricane was named Wade?
- Rivers McCown, From Mom's Basement | Twitter | Football Outsiders | Battle Red Blog
Like this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvkuQh3WjHk&feature=related
Canal Street Chronicles-A place of great Saints news and information. Oh and the stuff I write!
Bring back Aaron Brooks! He's the only one who can save us from the evil that is Drew Brees!!
by Jon Banks on Sep 9, 2011 5:37 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
This makes me immeasurably happy.
Despite my better judgment, a manager at Battle Red Blog.
Supreme Galactic Editor of Battle Red Onion.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now where are those pants at?!
Football is war by other means. - Carl von Clausewitz...sorta.
by UprootedTexan on Sep 9, 2011 5:40 PM CDT up reply actions
Not only did it work,
But not a single Titan was expecting it.
Canal Street Chronicles-A place of great Saints news and information. Oh and the stuff I write!
Bring back Aaron Brooks! He's the only one who can save us from the evil that is Drew Brees!!
That 4th and 5...
Is proof that they were just running up the score imo…the fact that the BESF’s were wearing Oilers gear makes me hate the Patriots more than the BESF’s in this particular game. I really wish Bill would get raped by a 700 pound gorilla. I just hate that guy.
Texans over Colts 24-10
Despite my better judgment, a manager at Battle Red Blog.
Supreme Galactic Editor of Battle Red Onion.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now where are those pants at?!
Football is war by other means. - Carl von Clausewitz...sorta.
Texans roll the Colts
Texasns 37 Colts 0
by psmtz on Sep 9, 2011 5:35 PM CDT via iPhone app reply actions 3 recs
Welcome, psmtz!
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
"Blind fandom is all I got left." - LoneSpot
No one has to read anything you write.
Not posting sent comments, could be construed as a conspiracy to abridge free speech.
He went into the forest to concentrate on the sound of one hand slapping. Red cheeked he returned to his teacher claiming he failed to reach nirvana. His teacher explained he should concentrate on the sound of one hand clapping. –anonymous aggie Buddhist.
You're going to have to narrate...
We can’t hear those voices in your head.
"Suck it, Jim Tressel, you filthy, cheating, unfashionable piece of monkey scrotum."
- MDC
"Let’s leave all the football talk to knowledgeable experts who have played the game, like Matt Millen and Emmitt Smith."
-tehGrindCrusher
by DilloTex on Sep 9, 2011 6:10 PM CDT up reply actions 5 recs
I like corn on the cob.
Despite my better judgment, a manager at Battle Red Blog.
Supreme Galactic Editor of Battle Red Onion.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now where are those pants at?!
Football is war by other means. - Carl von Clausewitz...sorta.
by UprootedTexan on Sep 9, 2011 6:25 PM CDT up reply actions
I wish it would just freakin' rain
I finally didn’t win at poker last night
I didn't do anything wrong!.... and, I won't do it again.
"... all good things must come to an end...."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyQi-1Z2tN8
'Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.' -Frank Herbert
And your second sentence
could be construed as a conspiracy to further comma-splice errors.
Also, what the shit are you talking about?
The Two-Day Hangover @ SBN Houston | Twitter
by MDC on Sep 9, 2011 6:29 PM CDT up reply actions
I long for the day...
… when every keyboard has a blood-alcohol-sensor built with readings automatically transmitted with any blog post so we can tell who is thunker than he drinks he is and who is a true psychotic.
"Suck it, Jim Tressel, you filthy, cheating, unfashionable piece of monkey scrotum."
- MDC
"Let’s leave all the football talk to knowledgeable experts who have played the game, like Matt Millen and Emmitt Smith."
-tehGrindCrusher
"built in"
"Suck it, Jim Tressel, you filthy, cheating, unfashionable piece of monkey scrotum."
- MDC
"Let’s leave all the football talk to knowledgeable experts who have played the game, like Matt Millen and Emmitt Smith."
-tehGrindCrusher
I do some of my best work when I am drunk.
I just wish there was a “you know what I mean” button, so I could finish a post, hit that button, and it would fix typos/punctuation errors and redact any questionable language.
The Two-Day Hangover @ SBN Houston | Twitter
by MDC on Sep 9, 2011 6:45 PM CDT up reply actions
And
unless BRB became a government-owned entity recently, free speech has nothing to do with anything that goes on here.
The Two-Day Hangover @ SBN Houston | Twitter
by MDC on Sep 9, 2011 6:34 PM CDT up reply actions
hmmm... so apparently he was just a drive-by troll
"Suck it, Jim Tressel, you filthy, cheating, unfashionable piece of monkey scrotum."
- MDC
"Let’s leave all the football talk to knowledgeable experts who have played the game, like Matt Millen and Emmitt Smith."
-tehGrindCrusher
You is a part of teh oppressers!
Help! I’m being repressed!
Despite my better judgment, a manager at Battle Red Blog.
Supreme Galactic Editor of Battle Red Onion.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now where are those pants at?!
Football is war by other means. - Carl von Clausewitz...sorta.
by UprootedTexan on Sep 9, 2011 6:36 PM CDT up reply actions
Good ole Monty Python
Our football, who art in Houston, Texans be thy name. Thy wins will come, this will be done at Reliant and on the road. Give us this year our winning season, and forgive us for our penalties, as we forgive those who false start against us. And lead us not into overtime but deliver us a Superbowl !! ~TheNightOwl
by SteelBlueUSMC on Sep 9, 2011 6:43 PM CDT up reply actions
If I said yes, would you believe me?
Despite my better judgment, a manager at Battle Red Blog.
Supreme Galactic Editor of Battle Red Onion.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now where are those pants at?!
Football is war by other means. - Carl von Clausewitz...sorta.
by UprootedTexan on Sep 9, 2011 6:37 PM CDT up reply actions
watch out now I roll wit gangs
And been stabed 20 times and got like 10 counts of murder
and kill puppies in my spare time
NUTTED
by jtr bmf 281 on Sep 9, 2011 6:41 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
yeah, apparently I am the sole voice of reason in all of BRB
How’s that for trolling?
colts win 35-0
dwight freeney buries shaub twice and we find unusual ways to score due to the texans habit of giving away games
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
ummm. yeah then you woke up from that awesome dream
then looked at the final score and rolled back over in bed to slumber for the rest of the season.
that was larger than it was supposed to be
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
It is the correct stupidity
but my apoligies on the size, I’m a homer and will always be a homer, logic fails me
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
****Expert Prediction and Analysis****
.1) In the first quarter with exactly 6 minutes and 21 seconds left, Supermario and Cushing will tear through the offensive line, sending Colts players far into the stands and brutally sack Collins, bringing him down like a limp antelope. They will then proceed to take turn Tbagging his facemask while asking him “U mad bro?”
2) Arian Foster will be penalized by Kubiak for his twitter shenanigans and will have to sit the first half out. His frustration will swell like a zit on my ass as he watches his team play without him. By the time Foster is let it, his anger will unleash and he will stampede Mathis and Freeny, shatteringtheir cervical cord into oblivion as he speeds to the endzone faster than the cameras can track him.
3) The victory will be so great, Indianapolis will remember 9/11 not as the day the towers fell, but the day the TEXANS raped them into almighty oblivion. Texans win 47-4
True Story
"THERE WILL BE CON$EQUENCE$"
You just don't understand life, do you?
@THEREALALLENOU on twitter - "The man, the verb, the legend" OU'd
by AllenOU on Sep 9, 2011 7:17 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions 12 recs
so...
do guys humans have cervical cords?
"////let it pan out before you kick da plan out\"
-mitmil22
by theSpaceCityKid on Sep 9, 2011 7:53 PM CDT up reply actions
I don't know
But it sounds legit.
"THERE WILL BE CON$EQUENCE$"
by Bo$$man on Sep 9, 2011 8:19 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Predictions from the Fuz
Schauby throws for 348 yards and 4 TDs, being sacked twice. Once by Freeney, once by Mathis. No INTs, no turnovers.
Collins throws for 130 yards and 1 TD, being sacked 6 times. Twice by Barwin, once by Williams, once by Smith, once by Watt, and once by Cushing (coverage sack FTW). Collins also throws 2 INTs. First to Joseph, second to Manning. Neither INT goes for a pick 6, sadly.
Foster rushes for 83 yards and no TDs, receives for 36 yards and 1 TD
Tate rushes for 122 yards and 1TD, receives for 16 yards and no TDs
Ward rushes for 49 yards and no TDs, receives for -2 yards and no TDs
Addai rushes for 76 yards and no TDs, receives for 28 yards and no TDs
Andre Johnson has 13 catches on the day for a total of 101 yards and 1 TD
Kevin Walter has 5 catches on the day for a total of 65 yards and no TDs
Jacoby Jones has 4 catches on the day for a total of 71 yards and no TDs (drops on on the 4 yard line with nobody between him and the end zone)
Owen Daniels has 3 catches on the day for 21 yards and 1 TD
Joel Dreesen has 2 catches on the day for 12 yards and no TDs
James Casey has 2 catches on the day for 28 yards and 1 TD
The Colts TD is caught by Dallas Clark (damn those TEs)
Rackers hits a FG from the 42 yard line on first Texans possession, but only has to hit PATs from then on as the Texans offense dominates and the defense forces the turnovers at the right times.
Texans 38 – Colts 10
-- "...I was sick, napping, and then woke up and came to the computer to read a note from the Gingered Angel of Doom..." Martek - Dynamo Theory Blog
31-13
Colts will move the ball a few times, but… My Three Predicts for the Texans
1. Defense; 3 Sacks, 1 Int, 1 FF, 4 PD’s
2. Offense; will get good field position from the D all day so they will not have monster yardage….but taking advantage by getting to the endzone 4 times will be quite nice
3. Special Teams; will be average but Hartman will Knock somebody out on a return and will be nominated for “Big Hit of the Year”…Just Like Eugene Seal Did against the Redskins many moons ago…seeing that live was quite a thrill
I believe...
1. Slaton gets 5 carries for 17 yards.
2. Jones has 1 punt return for 9 yards
3. Rackers has a 31 and 42 yard field goal.
If those are not useless game predictions…i don’t know what is.
Oh, look, I have a new least favorite player in the NFL!
Per Kuharsky’s blog post on pregame music choices:
Tight end Jacob Tamme: Black Eyed Peas, "I Got a Feeling"
Prediction—no, greatest hope: that Cushing hits him so hard, he gets selective amnesia and forgets all about that shitty song.
by Nashmeister on Sep 9, 2011 8:17 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
So you like Frank Bush then?
Do you also hate America as well?
Despite my better judgment, a manager at Battle Red Blog.
Supreme Galactic Editor of Battle Red Onion.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now where are those pants at?!
Football is war by other means. - Carl von Clausewitz...sorta.
by UprootedTexan on Sep 9, 2011 8:58 PM CDT up reply actions
Seems to be a theme for the night, doesn't it?
:-)
A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
"Blind fandom is all I got left." - LoneSpot
Is that ever really off-topic?
The Two-Day Hangover @ SBN Houston | Twitter
by MDC on Sep 9, 2011 10:00 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
If that's off-topic, then I don't want to be ON-topic.
Wait, what am I saying? I’m never on-topic.
Despite my better judgment, a manager at Battle Red Blog.
Supreme Galactic Editor of Battle Red Onion.
I am a visionary, I am a genius, and now I am angry! Now where are those pants at?!
Football is war by other means. - Carl von Clausewitz...sorta.
by UprootedTexan on Sep 9, 2011 10:03 PM CDT up reply actions
27-9...
Colts win via Schaub having his leg broken in the first quarter and the Defense staying on the field so much behind a rushing attack that the Texans just won’t be able to stop. The Colts O-Line will wear the Texians down and they will have their way with them in the second half.
A few obvious ones that you might have overlooked.
1) JJ Watt will not get one single sack. However as the Colts drive the length of the field and make it to the Texans 20 on their first possession, on a twist, Watt will grab Jeff Saturday by the legs, swing him around like a club, and use his new toy to hammer Kerry Collins into the Reliant Stadium turf like a giant tent stake that reeks of rotgut gin. Mario will touch him first and get credit for his first sack of the season. Brian Cushing will attempt to kick a field goal with Collins’s head before the ground staff can get him out, and a two foot deep crater will remain in the place where Collins was hammered into the ground. This will be crucial later on in the game.
2) In an attempt to slow Dwight Freeney down, Duane Brown will rub peyote extract onto Freeney’s mouthpiece. Freeney will play decently for the first quarter and then will promptly vomit and have a profound and long-lasting hallucination in which he will believe that he is Elric of Melnibone and Peyton Manning, who is in streetclothes on the sideline, is his dragon. Freeney forces Manning onto his hands and knees and spends the rest of the game forcing Manning to ride around the stadium as Freeney searches for Stormbringer, his magical sword.
3) Shockingly, the Colts are leading going into the fourth quarter. During halftime, while he thinks no one is looking, Curtis Painter goes over to the hole in the ground and, while pretending to tie his shoes, pulls out his wang and takes a leak into the hole. Painter thinks that this is a clever way to add insult to injury as the Colts are leading at the half by a score of 27-3. This turns out to be a huge mistake as Painter inadvertently wakes Jörmungandr, the mythical serpent that coils around the earth. The serpent takes about a quarter to realize what has happened and then sets about to unleash his wrath on an unsuspecting humanity, interrupting the game in the process. He is only stopped after Freeney finds Stormbringer, his enchanted and accursed blade, and uses it to subdue the snake. After a brief huddle, the surviving officials review game tape and determine that it was Painter that unleashed the beast on mankind and therefore award the Texans a forfeit victory.
So the Texans win in the end.
Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
Never use a long word where a short one will do.
If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
Never use the passive where you can use the active.
Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.
-Orwell, Politics and the English Language
www.battleredblog.com
by tehGrindCrusher on Sep 10, 2011 7:19 AM CDT reply actions 7 recs
The Most Underrated Thing About "Three And Out"
Is TGC’s weekly comment to this post.
Looking forward to a day when being a Texans fan doesn't mean that April is the highlight of my season...
I thought only Thor could stop Jörmungandr
So in this case, we would lose Casey for the year right?
Follow me on twitter: @Super_Stud2100
Useless predictions?
Steve Slaton gets at least one touch
Mario drops into coverage at least once
There will be at least 3 touch backs
Are those useless enough?
On a side note – isn’t it nice that most of our “key losses” of personnel from last year are a good thing?
KEY LOSSES: FB Vonta Leach (to Ravens), S Bernard Pollard (to Ravens), DT Amobi Okoye (to Bears), QB Dan Orlovsky (to Colts), WR David Anderson (to Broncos), LB Zac Diles (to Rams), S Eugene Wilson (free agent)
Mario Williams will have 4 sacks and 1 int by Game 4 of the regular season.
by Barryfromtexas on Sep 10, 2011 10:46 AM CDT reply actions
Indeed.
We’ve improved by both addition by subtraction as well as addition by addition. That’s a good feeling.
I read "sucktraction" initially... I think that word may come in handy
"Suck it, Jim Tressel, you filthy, cheating, unfashionable piece of monkey scrotum."
- MDC
"Let’s leave all the football talk to knowledgeable experts who have played the game, like Matt Millen and Emmitt Smith."
-tehGrindCrusher
here's some useless predictions
1: Super Mario will demolish Castonzo and get 3.5 sacks
when eric winston was asked what advice he would give castonzo on blocking mario, Winston said,
“Don’t make eye contact with him before the snap. Just keep your head down and get ready for the storm.”
2:our offense will get off to a fast start
3: The texans will get 3 picks, all from the safeties
by Samarth Sulhan on Sep 10, 2011 6:43 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
Related FanPosts on Battle Red Blog
Related FanShots on Battle Red Blog
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Recommended FanPosts
Recent FanPosts
SBNation.com Recent Stories
In Association With
Shutdown Corner - NFL - Yahoo! Sports
- Former high-school star Brian Banks does serious time on trumped-up charge, now hopes for an NFL shot
- Former ‘idiot kicker’ Mike Vanderjagt in trouble after accosting junior-high heckler
- Adrian Peterson blows teammates away in footraces; appears to be on the mend
- UPDATE: Charlie Sheen didn’t buy Lawrence Taylor’s Super Bowl ring
- Alex Smith gets blown up by Jon Beason over Cam Newton comments
