Thank You, Jerruh

Jerruh Jones is a self-made man, a man among men, a marketing genius, a pioneer on the cutting edge of the business of sports leadership. Yes, although he does own and dominate the team to our immediate north, we do owe the man a debt of gratitude.

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As we give thanks to those who have done so much for us this season, let us, as Texans fans, take a moment to thank Jerruh for his contributions to our joy...

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Thank you, Jerruh....

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For forever changing the pronunciation of your team’s name from the traditional, to the more contemporary and charming “Kah-boas”.

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For ridiculing your coach on the sidelines during the Christmas Day game against Philly on national television, standing behind him adjusting your belt like a daddy about to whup up on his wayward child, and practically guaranteeing that no established coach with any self-respect will ever come to work in Dallas again.

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For removing that formaldehyde stain from your collar.... you look so much more lifelike without it.

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For being so egomaniacal to think that you know so much about the game of football that you don’t need a real General Manager, without which, Dallas will be eternally committed to a legacy of suck-dom.

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For, despite his lack of mental toughness, and the complete lack of ability to win under pressure, keeping Tony Romo on your team year, after year, after year.... providing further assurance of the continuation of the aforementioned suck-dom.

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For having a son that so closely resembles Mark Davis (sans hawaiian shirt and flip-flops) that you’re grooming to be your successor, and whom, like a living marionette, will exercise your will and your will only until the day that you die... virtually guaranteeing said suck-dom in Dallas for generations to come.

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For, despite living in the same city as Mark Cuban, still managing to be the biggest horse's ass in town.

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For, despite your ego and your bravado, creating a legacy of mediocrity so pervasive that it will ultimately alienate your fans as they suffer through decades without another championship.

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For abandoning San Antonio for Oxnard as the site of your training camp, giving those of us who reside here a break from the annual parade of blue and silver abuse that fills this city like a plague every summer.

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For keeping T.O. and all of his drama on your team for so long.

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For signing Pacman, and Tank Johnson, and so many other self-centered prima donnas that always put their own interests before those of their team.

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For not being able to share the spotlight with the only man you ever allowed to build a true winning team in Dallas.

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For firing Wade, and making him available to come to Houston.

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Thank you, Jerruh.