Well, here we are once again, faced with a major sporting event which pits a Boston team against one of the 374 New York teams, two cities where not reaching the championship in any given year is grounds for firing the coaches, the players, burning the stadium to the ground, and pouring salt on its ashes. The hype will be an immense, all-consuming smorgasbord of impenetrable bullcrap with the intention of making this year's Super Bowl palatable to a national audience.
And I'm sure that after all the pablum has finally been spewed by the major media outlets--you all know who you are--that this year's Super Bowl will have every man, woman, child, pet, and some houseplants east of the Hudson River completely enthralled.
As for the rest of us, we're stuck looking for reasons to care about this year's rematch between Peyton Manning's little brother and the three-headed embodiment of all that is evil; those three heads being Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, and Rodney Harrison (Of course he still counts, have you seen what he calls "analysis?").
So with that in mind, here's a primer on what to expect during Super Bowl week; because while many of us may not care about who wins and loses (with the exception of whether David Carr gets a Super Bowl ring), there's no reason why we can't derive our own amusement from the...the last game of the year.
Take the jump...I'm all verklempt at the idea of no football.
If you enjoy the daily, garden-variety twaddle that you normally hear from ESPN and other sports media outlets who wish they could be as banal as ESPN, then boy, howdy, do we have a treat for you! Tune in on Tuesday at 9 a.m. CST for the annual "Running of the Mouths", otherwise known as Super Bowl Media Day. During this fine tradition, media outlets from far and wide gather to repeatedly ask the same six pointless questions to every single player, coach, trainer, and waterboy for both teams, hoping for a reaction.
Prime viewing for New England's media day include watching a permanently sullen Bill "Darth" Belichick look at a reporter with the same mixture of contempt and pity as you would with a puppy who just took a leak on your Persian rug, just before Belichick force-chokes said reporter for his stupidity. Other fine viewing times include watching Tom Brady take the podium to a techno version of ABBA's "Dancing Queen" while showing off his Uggs before sitting down.
For the Giants, you'll want to watch head coach Tom Coughlin, in a fit of rage, turn over the table, turn bright green and start screaming "Coughlin SMASH!" into the lone standing microphone. This psychotic outburst will inspire one of the dumber "Mouths" to then ask Coughlin whether he will watch the new show "Smash" after the Super Bowl has ended.
After the "Running of the Mouths" has concluded, the Mouths will be corralled back into their hotels, using high-powered cattle prods preferably. And in between the countless Super Bowl parties replete with beautiful models, the mountains of free food and drinks, and hobnobbing with celebrities, each and every sportswriter will complain bitterly about how this year's Super Bowl is one of the worst in recent history and that nobody is having a good time, thus forcing us plebeians to question the severity of the media's collective brain damage.
Things To Do In Indianapolis
If you find yourself in Indianapolis for the Super Bowl, first of all, why didn't you give me a ticket? Second, you will find there is a plethora of things to do while you're in town. I can't think of them off the top of my head, but I'm sure there's something to do. Oh, I know! You could take one of the ziplines that run from the Indiana Convention Center to Bankers Life Fieldhouse, because nothing screams fun like zipping through the air in the middle of 40 degree weather while taking in stunning views of the horizon. In fact, if you look carefully, you can probably see St. Louis off in the distance.
On Thursday, Lucas Oil Stadium will have the Super Bowl XLVI Fan Jam where All American Rejects, B.o.B. and bands that only hipsters have heard of (and before you say anything, no, I have not heard of the other bands either). This concert will be broadcast on VH1 if you are inclined to watch. All we can say is this: at least it's not Hot Chelle Rae.
Gambling (For Entertainment Purposes Only)
If you can't get to Indianapolis, then there are still ways to make the game fun. You can put some stakes on the line, whether they be personal bets or wagers of monetary value, although we do not officially condone such behavior here.
That being said, here are some prop bets that looked intriguing if you were, for entertainment purposes, interested in laying money on the line:
Odds of Tom Brady being found naked and in bed with a particularly unattractive goat: 8-1.
Odds of Eli Manning being found naked and in bed with a particularly unattractive goat: 17-1.
Odds of Colts owner Jim Irsay being found naked and in bed with a particularly unattractive goat: 2-1.
Odds of Colts fans rioting when Tom Brady uses Peyton Manning's locker to change: 3-1.
Odds of Peyton Manning's next neck surgery being performed during the Super Bowl Pre-Game Show: 35-1.
Odds of Peyton's next neck surgery being more entertaining than the Halftime Show: 1-1.
Odds that Eli Manning will be asked about Peyton Manning during a given interview: 1-3.
Over/Under on number of interviews it will take before Eli Manning beats a reporter over the head with a tire iron for asking about Peyton: 15.5.
Odds of the Opening Coin Toss coming up heads: 1.5-1.
Odds of the Opening Coin Toss coming up tails: 1.5-1.
Odds of the Opening Coin Toss landing on its edge: 7-1.
Over/Under on number of times Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth say "rematch" during the game: 72.
Where would a Super Bowl be without the required 57 hours of Super Bowl Pre-Game show, where millions of fans will be watching, of which only 12 will not be playing a drinking game? This is what NBC has in store for us to
keep us well pickled entertain us until the game begins:
NBC Sports: We kick off (hyuck, hyuck, get it?!) the pre-game show on the NBC Sports channel with the first 18 hours of coverage (I'm not joking about that part) including the debut of
"Designated NBC Sports Egomaniac Tonight" "Costas Tonight."
Then on the "Today Show" on Friday, Natalie Morales and Savannah Guthrie will pretend to care about football for the first three hours of the show while Al Roker and Ann Curry broadcast live from Indy. On the fourth hour of the show, Kathie Lee and Hoda (I have no idea who these people are) will feature a Super Bowl Kickoff wherein Matt Lauer will braise Al Roker (ever since he got laproscopic surgery, he's become so stringy!) in a mirepoix of bell peppers, onions, and celery to feed to hungry football fans and provide warmth in the bitter chill of an Indiana February.
Then on "Weekend Today," Jenna Wolfe will report from Indianapolis for Saturday's coverage. This will cause millions of people to ask, "Who the hell is this?" and demand new recipes for how to properly prepare Al Roker for their Super Bowl parties.
After the game is over, the first live episode of "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" will be the first of four episodes broadcast live from Indianapolis. Needless to say, his show will continue his standard "one good joke per episode" format.
And of course when you think of football, you think of "E!" Just before the national anthem, "E!" will show a live broadcast of Joan and Melissa Rivers in a steel cage death match on the 50-yard line at Lucas Oil Stadium. After the brawl is over, the field will quickly be bathed in UV light so as to kill whatever botox managed to escape the combatants.
The commercials are actually a great deal of fun. In years past, the commercials have been the best part of the whole Super Bowl experience. Although I have to admit, if I go the rest of my life without seeing that one commercial where the guy sniffs someone's pants after letting out a Doritos fart, I will not consider it a tragic loss.
Let's be honest. We all know what's going to happen. Ugly first half, exciting second half, Cris Collinsworth will run onto the field and hump Tom Brady's leg, Peyton, Eli, and Archie Manning will get roughly 834 split-screen shots per quarter, the Giants' defensive line will get flagged repeatedly just for looking Tom Brady in the eye, and some old codger will publicly embarrass themselves on national television. Speaking of which...
Beer Run/Finding Actual Entertainment Period Halftime Show
This year's halftime show will be, for reasons that nobody has adequately explained to me, performed by Madonna. I long for the day, way into the future, when the Super Bowl Halftime Show will not either: A) Suck. or B) Consist of a singer/band whose best days are 20-40 (or in the Rolling Stones' case, 150) years behind them, mostly because of the Halftime Show in 2004. Never has one boob cause so much devastation to the quality of entertainment for millions of people. Since the NFL seems to be leaning toward irritating, aurally grating acts, rumor is next year's halftime will be a duet by Yoko Ono and the re-animated corpse of Tiny Tim.
Now that you've been sufficiently prepped for this year's Super Bowl...is it September yet?!