Texans-Ravens Preview: A Realistic Perspective

So, now that I’ve had a day to sleep off the post-game high from a great win over the Bengals, I thought I’d post a few ideas on what we can realistically expect to see next week from the Texans against a tough team in a difficult road environment.

Andre Johnson will be much closer to 100% for this game. However, the Ravens will anticipate this threat and roll extra coverage to AJ’s side all game. This will leave an opening for Owen Daniels to break free. Owens final stat line: 6 catches, 88 yards, 1 TD

Early in the game, Flacco will make the mistake of glancing over his O-line and making eye contact with Brian Cushing. This will result in his retreat into a fugue state and a petit mal seizure that will leave him temporarily paralyzed from the waist up. His backup, Taylor, will be a bit rusty. Taylor’s final stat line: 1/16, 4 yds, 9 INTs

The officiating crew will make the landmark decision to award the Texans retroactive points based on all the blown calls throughout the season. However, the scoreboard does not have a third digit, so they will subtract the remaining points from the Ravens’ score, leading to the unusual final score below.

Kubiak’s game plan will be an elaborate scheme to create matchups with Bernard Pollard against anyone capable of catching a football. This plan will work so effectively that Yates will actually post a bizarre completion percentage of 105%, completing all his passes, and somehow completing a pass from the previous week.

Kareem Jackson will mysteriously disappear while the Texans plane is in the air. Only the night security guard at M&T Bank Stadium will notice one extra traffic cone in the parking lot. He will shake his head at it. “Damn kids,” he’ll say, in a voice that sounds a lot like Gary Kubiak. But not quite.

Foster will get a new Egyptian tattoo before the game. His new combination of skin art will unwittingly form a series of symbols that allows him to be possessed by Anubis, the Egyptian god of death and embalming. During the game, defenders who approach Foster will see the snarling head of a dog beneath his helmet. Foster’s trademark evasive moves will be unnecessary, as defenders will actually juke themselves out of his way.

MDC will try to explain this game’s counter-intuitive outcome in the 2DH using quantum physics. None of us will fully understand it.

Final Score: Texans 99, Ravens -6

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