Hair of the Dog: Where Dan Deirdorf Tells Me That Terrell Suggs is Playing: Ravens @ Texans

Thomas Campbell-US PRESSWIRE

Despite what Dan Deirdorf may have suggested, the Texans were dominant on Sunday. Their play on both offense and defense, if not special teams, was spectacular and they handily took care of the Baltimore Ravens. The conversation between the BRB staff was far more compelling than the one between Deirdorf and Gumbell. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself.

I had a discussion with some friends a few days ago about Lance Armstrong. While none of us are shocked about the recent "revelations" about Armstrong (and I put "revelations" in quotes because this hardly came out of nowhere), we were in a bit of disagreement about what it means about his legacy.

One guy felt that it wasn't that big a deal because most of the guys he was competing against were also cheating (the whole MLB in the 90s defense). Another guy felt that he cheated the sport and the fans and that he should be punished, regardless of what others were doing.

A point that I made is that regardless of what you feel about him, it shouldn't diminish the impact he's had in the fight against cancer. He's raised a ton of money and awareness for the disease and he should be credited for that. At the same time, his work with cancer shouldn't cover up the fact that he was, in fact, a cheating bastard. In other words, he is neither all good nor all bad, but rather somewhere in between.

In the same vein, I encourage you not to take the Texans' performance on Sunday night and apply it to the team as a whole. And I also ask that you not pretend it didn't happen. The Texans are a very good team, but they did have a miserable night.

As fans, we have a tendency to weigh the most recent events greater than the season as a whole. Remember that we have five weeks of evidence that suggests that the Texans are one of the best teams in the league and one week to say that they are not unbeatable.

Pregame:

Brett:

I love living on the west coast. I just woke up and it's only and hour til game time

tGC:

Starts at 930 pm here.

UT:

Yeah, that's definitely grown on me, plus I don't have to stay up late to watch Sunday Night Football.

Rivers:

I feel like it's my destiny to live in the Pacific Northwest one day.

Vega:

I think I would love the Pacific Northwest. Here on the east coast, I've already kegged some homebrew, went to a birthday brunch, made a run to Home Depot, and did the weekly grocery shopping. I'm ready to sit and watch some football now.

MDC:

Up since 7 CST. I've read four books to Sophia, played a game of NCAA '13, and started drinking. Not in that order.

BFD:

I feel like it's my destiny to drink this beer.

First Quarter

Brett:

I predict 2 sacks for Watt, 2.5 for reed, 1 for Barwin, and .5 for Smith

TDC:

I've got the Sky Sports stream going. This is odd to hear the British accents talking about my football.

MDC:

Well, the turf looks kittening horrendous today. Yay.

tGC:

Here's the thing about Dierdorff. He manages to combine sharp observation with completely dumbassed analysis in a way that is amazingly infuriating.

MDC:

I try not to hate him, since he went to Michigan, but I often fail.

tGC (after Glover Quinn tips a pass):

G-lover with the special sauce.

Vega:

I'm ok with that 51-yard field goal considering we didn't totally kitten up and give them a first down.

Rivers:

Good thing we spent a fifth-round pick on Randy Bullock. (He says every week.)

MDC:

As the charter member of the Young GZ to Houston Club, as well as someone who despises short kickers, I support your continued efforts to point out how stupid the Bullock pick was.

Vega (after a second straight 3 and out to start the game):

So, it's pretty awesome that our offense gets to go up against an injured Ravens' D, right?

tGC:

Like it was awesome that we got to play a heavily injured Packers team last week.

tGC:

Is Arian Foster really our best third down receiving option?

Vega:

I think Kubiak has embraced the whole "give it to Foster on third down" thing for all third downs now -- not just third and long.

Brett:

I find that bud light commercial very misleading. We all know titans fans don't own houses...or shoes.

MDC:

This week's script was apparently written by J.J. Abrams.

TDC:

False. If that were true you'd have a compelling start followed up by some convoluted plot devolving into a weak finish.

Vega (just before a handoff on third and 18):

Third and long here... guaranteed that it goes to Foster.

Rivers:

This is what happens when teams don't fear the Texans taking a deep shot. Imminently predictable.

MDC:

I'm so motherkittening sick of inside runs on third and long that I want to kittening light my TV on fire.

tGC:

At this point, no one is surprised by the inside handoff on third and long, are they?

Vega:

Obviously not

MDC:

I am, only because I continue to labor under the assumption that Gary Kubiak is not actually retarded.

Vega:

Mercilus popping his cherry on Battle Red Day!

TDC (after Barwin's safety):

Merci and Barwin might have silenced the haters briefly there.

TDC:

Houston, here's your AL preview 2013...Baltimore 3, Houston 2.

Rivers:

Was ... did ... did we just have a kick return where someone missed our returner?

Rivers:

Loved the James Casey carry.

C'mon Matt. That's a throw you've got to make. Pretty pedestrian first quarter for him.

MDC:

How does Matt Schaub overthrow anyone by 10 yards?

MDC:

We are all better people for having rooted for Andre Johnson.

Vega:

That touchdown pass may be the best pass I've ever seen from Schaub.

Rivers:

Well I'm going to start calling everyone out for their pedestrian quarters if it's going to lead to that.

Rivers:

Kittening special teams WISH they could be pedestrian.

Second Quarter:

tGC (after JoJo's pick-six):

Kitten yeah.

4 tipped passes picked off this season. I think it was JJ.

Rivers:

Putting Baltimore in a position where they can only run the ball sparingly is pretty damn awesome. Good job pass rush.

Vega:

There was so much awesome on that play. I tell you one thing... after a bit of a slow start, the defense is making me feel pretty good that last week was an anomaly.

Brett:

Hey guys remember that time when Barwin, Joseph, Mercilus, and Walter weren't doing anything?

MDC:

Remember when Johnathan Joseph picked off a pass and celebrated the entire way because kitten the haters?

BFD:

I saw four holds on their last two rushing plays. Not small ones, either. They aren't calling kitten.

Also, JJ Watt is the best player in the NFL. Period.

Vega:

Keshawn Johnson honoring Jacoby Jones' return to Houston on that punt.

tGC:

Methinks the Texans have gotten into Flacco's dome.

Marciano is the Frank Bush of special teams.

UT:

Every time I see Marciano's name now, I imagine him being pushed out of that balloon 20 miles above the earth without a parachute.

TDC:

Said it before, I'll say it again....Wade's giving Merciless play time similar to what he did with Shawne Merriman.

Vega (just before a series of successful running plays):

I'm legitimately concerned about the total ineffectiveness of our running game.

Rivers:

They look downright pedestrian!

Rivers (after Garret Graham's awesome tip completion):

Garrett Graham is pretty awesome when he's not committing penalties.

BFD (feeling ironic):

Chris Myers ragdolled Terrence Cody on Foster's 14 yard run.

tGC:

File under: things that give tGC a boner.

Vega (after yet another Ravens' three and out):

This is exactly what I needed after that Sunday night game.

BFD:

I was told all week that Joe Flacco is an elite QB.

MDC:

Joe Flacco WISHES he was Taylor Jonathan Yates.

BFD:

Suggs' performance is even more impressive considering the two sets of lips he's had on his kitten all game.

MDC:

To hear Deirdorf talk, you'd think Suggs was (a) better than Watt and Jesus combined and (b) not playing for a team that is getting its ass handed to it on a Battle Red platter.

MDC:

My phone just autocorrected "Flacco" to "Flaccid." This seems accurate.

Vega

I'm so Flacco after Kubiak decided to kick the field goal instead of going for the jugular on fourth and short.

tGC:

If we go for it and fail, at least our special teams won't have to take the field again.

Vega:

How does Glover "Manos de Piedras" Quinn make that pick?

Brett:

I love this kittening team so much.

tGC:

Sweep the knee. Seven points here.

MDC:

Looks like he's Ngata gonna be doing much more today.

tGC:

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Pollard

MDC:

Seriously. Stop throwing to Keshawn kittening Martin.

tGC:

Cameraman not having his best game.

Half Time:

Rivers:

Halftime debate: J.J. Watt is the NFL's MVP?

MDC:

Who are the other candidates? Matt Ryan? Watt has my vote.

TDC:

Making impact on majority of snaps, filling out stat sheets, redefining the position he plays, and playing for a winning team. I can't see who else would get it right now.

tGC:

Only remotely disappointing thing so far is that JJ doesn't have a sack.

MDC:

He's just being nice and letting others do it for once. He's a giver. He'll have two in the second half since Flaccid will be dropping back 30+ times.

Rivers:

I think my interpretation of MVP is such that I wouldn't automatically award it to Watt. But I am also the kind of guy who would have awarded some more early 2000's MVP's to Alex Rodriguez despite him playing for some awful Rangers teams.

But if you are about giving it to the player who makes the most impact for a great team, I think it probably is Watt so far. And none of the elite quarterbacks (Rodgers, Brees, Brady) are having great individual seasons, nor are their teams. Matt Ryan is more Schaub than Rodgers.

Vega:

Texans on Sunday afternoons: Dominant
Texans at night: Mediocre/Kitteny

Vega:

I just changed a diaper that was more threatening than Flacco.

Third Quarter

tGC:

That's the JJo we're used to!

Vega:

It does feel weird that we're fretting over JJo's play while Kareem Jackson has been the shutdown corner.

MDC:

I'm going to murder Joe Marciano to death in his face.

Rivers:

I think if the Texans ever actually throw a deep ball on a third-and-long, the opposing defense will be so unprepared for it that they keel over.

tGC:

Do we really have to be told EVERY SINGLE TIME Terrell Suggs is on the field?

Brett:

JuggerWatt just tied the NFL record for PD's by a defensive lineman. It's week 7.

tGC:

I think he has more passes defended than Petey did in his whole career.

MDC:

Petey had 38, surprisingly.

Vega:

Yeah, but he gave up touchdowns on 35 of them.

MDC:

Arian's run. Oh god, Arian's run. I'm NOT flacco right now!

MDC (on Schaub's faux block):

C'mon, Dorn. Don't gimme this OLE` bullshit!

TDC:

Arian Foster did his best Barry Sanders impersonation.

Also: Andre Johnson needs 1 catch and 14 yards for his 15th career 10 Rec/100 yard day. Would tie Rice and Welker's NFL Record

MDC:

Sexy.

tGC:

Seeing that stadium awash in red is erotic.

Vega:

If I had just tuned into this game and couldn't see the score, Dan Dierdorf would have convinced me that the Ravens are winning.

Brett (with actual analysis):

I've noticed a lot of 3-3-5 nickel today against 3 receiver sets rather than the normal 4-1-6 dime. It seems to be working.

Fourth Quarter:

Rivers:

Bryan Braman on the field.

Rivers (after the non-offensive pass interference):

That was replacement ref-esque.

tGC:

So, you can throw a challenge flag but not lose a time out. Interesting.

MDC:

"There was no challenge, despite him throwing a flag in direct response to what I just said. Also, what I said wasn't what I said."

Vega (after Antonio Smith's back to back sacks):

They just pissed off the ninja.

BFD:

Smith used the same exact swim move for the back to back sacks.

tGC:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

My feed just switched over to the BESF game.

WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN ME?

Brett:

WHAT THE KITTEN CBS. I DON'T WANT TO WATCH THE TITANS

Vega:

I love Sunday Ticket.

Brett:

I turned on the stream and Reed is down. what did I miss?

Vega:

Tate and Foster have just taken the game over. Reed and Pollard tackled Tate and both got hurt.

Vega (after Foster's second touchdown):

This would be a good time to call out all those folks who bitch that the Texans don't put teams away.

TDC:

43 points: Texans franchise record.

Rivers:

Put T.J. Yates in, let him throw a deep bomb. AVENGE THE DEMONS.

MDC:

Texans put 400 yards on the Ravens today. Only the third time ever that the Ravens have allowed 400.

BFD:

This erection is definitely going to last more than four hours. BOING!!!!

TDC:

Uncle Bob's got the sweetest red blazer.

Much of the talk preceding this game was about how the Texans would respond to the embarrassment of Sunday night. Well, I think that was answered, no?

There's no question that the Ravens have suffered some key injuries, but their offense was pretty healthy coming into this game and was ranked fifth in yards, eighth in points, and eighth in DVOA. With J.J. Watt having his quietest game of the year (though still making a significant impact), the Texans' defense absolutely shut them down. And oh yeah, the Texans are also missing their emotional leader (and better performing) middle linebacker.

So, don't let anyone tell you that this victory is tainted because of injury.

Game Balls:

Offense: Owen Daniels. There were a lot of options here (including Kevin Walter), but despite his late drop, I'm giving this to Daniels for some fantastic receptions and his ability to move the chains.

Defense: Antonio Smith. This is a tough call, and you can make a legitimate argument for a number of players. Connor Barwin had some big plays. Whitney Mercilus played his best game as a pro. Johnathan Joseph had a great touchdown. Kareem Jackson completely shut down half the field. Glover Quinn played like an elite safety. Yet, when the Ravens were false starting their way down the field and doing everything they could to keep their slim hopes alive, Antonio Smith took his ninjato and drove it through the collectively dark souls of the Baltimore Ravens. Actually, screw it. There are no rules around here. Game balls for everyone!!

Special Teams: Joe Marciano. I know what you're thinking, but when you consider that someone so completely incompetent has been able to retain his job for so long, you kind of have to kind of nod your head a little bit. I mean most people would have gone the route of seppuku rather than continue to be overwhelmed in their daily lives, yet Joe Marciano lives on. Actually, we should just give this to Bryan Braman again.

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