Hair of the Dog: Where J.J. Watt Dominates Our Dreams (Texans @ Jets)

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Hair of the Dog: If BRB had an inner dialogue, this would be it. Join us as the BRB crew discusses the game live (well, it was live, but now it's... well, you get it).

I'm starting to organize this post and we're still about a half hour away from game time. I'm still getting used to the new features and formatting of the SBNU and trying to make sure that the thread comes out properly.

I'm also multi-tasking and trying to knock out a few work emails so that I don't have to deal with that garbage during the game.

I've put my daughter to bed, cleaned the kitchen, fed the animals and carefully selected a beverage for the evening (Blue Point Brewing Company Pumpkin Ale -- I'm out of homebrew and I have an odd and kind of uncharacteristic fascination with pumpkin ales).

And with that, I've taken care of all the things that concerned me more than the New York Jets.

May I not regret these words in a few hours.

Yet it's hard to have watched the early goings of these two teams so far this season and not feel a sense of confidence (unless, of course, you're a Jets fan). So sit back and enjoy the ramblings of your favorite BRB characters.

As before, curse words will be replaced with the word "kitten"

Pregame:

tGC:

There will be people - Texans fans! - watching the game who will be completely unaware that the Jets are the reason our center earned the sobriquet Ragdoll

TDC:

For poops and chuckles, I present the Jets WR corps for tonight: Jeremy Kerley, Chaz Schilens, Clyde Gates, Jason Hill, and Jeff Cumberland.

MDC:

Jeff Cumberland will have a career day against Bradie James. By which I mean 5 catches for 40 yards.

TDC:

J.J. Watt is going to impregnate Mark Sanchez tonight. Book it.

TDC:

Stuart Scott just said "juggernaut that is the Houston Texans." Somewhere, bfd smiles proudly.

Brett:

$20 that Sanchez completes more passes to Jonathan Joseph than anyone else.

Vega:

The game hasn't started yet, and I already feel a little bit bad for the children of someone that's about to get hit by Glover Quin.

Brett:

That intro was essentially a 30 second Texans commercial, and now I have a giant throbbing kitten

First Quarter:

Vega:

Keshawn Martin runs that end around better than Jacoby Jones ever did.

Rivers (after Owen Daniels' touchdown):

That's some good evidence for Antonio Cromartie's best CB in the NFL statement.

BFD:

Cromartie can't even hang with OD, much less AJ

MDC:

I love that we apparently start every game with three to five play action passes, yet teams keep falling for it. At this point, teams seem to be thinking "well surely they won't do it AGAIN."

MDC:

Brian Cushing hit Kerley so hard on that third down, you could hear the Jets' hopes for this game die.

TDC:

I would love it if the Jets didn't let Holliday return.

MDC:

I've got high hopes for Trindon tonight.

Yes, I'm drunk.


MDC:

So that third-down play was completely kitten-tarded.

TDC:

I knew he'd run it, too. They always bust out the screen on 3rd and 10+, especially early.

Vega:

Third and long screens/runs are a Kubiak staple.

TDC (After Matt Schaub's interception):

He locked onto Andre like the old days.

MDC:

KIIIIIIIIITTTTTTEEEEEENNNNNN.

BFD:

Ready to panic about the run game. It looks awful.

Brett:

Ah, classic Schaub. I'll bet you guys right now I find Martin completely alone on the tape during that play.

MDC:

Shoot Trindon. I'm done with him.

Signed,

The One Person Who Still Defended Him

Vega:

In the last couple of offensive series it felt like Kubiak was trying to out-think himself. Let's get back to the aggressive downfield attacking game, shall we?

Vega:

Or Foster... That will work too.

Brett:

Jones is in. Arian busts a big one. Figures.

tGC:

So far, so. . . typical?

PS Arian Foster gives me a throbbing engorgement.

Tim:

Andre was on the sideline for that 3rd down play. I thought Kubes
called timeout to rectify the situation. I was wrong.

Rivers:

I hate our special teams so much

Second Quarter:

Vega:

The levels to which I hate Tim Tebow will never be understated.

MDC:

Most predictable fake punt ever?

MDC (after Brooks Reed knocked down a pass)

Brooks Reed has been watching tape of J.J. Watt.

Vega:

J.J. Watt would have caught that

Brett (Just before Arian Fosters dominant touchdown drive)

Caldwell is in. Brace for heartbreak.

MDC:

Casey literally jumped through the hole to go make a block. Love him.

Tim:

Gruden just called James Casey a "Gruden Grinder." A part of me is now dead.

Vega:

That touchdown was GORGEOUS!!

MDC:

KITTEN THAT PI FLAG ON BRAMAN.

TDC (After Cushing's injury):

Get ready for the Bradie James Experience!

MDC:

Oh god. On no.

Vega:

That's it... I'm switching to liquor.

MDC:

It's like an acid trip where the only thing you hallucinate is leeches on your nuts. Then you sober up and realize there were really leeches on your nuts.

Brett:

Wow, Cromartie might be their best receiver after all.

MDC:

Gruden last week: You shouldn't call pass interference unless it jumps off the screen at you.

Gruden tonight: I dunno, that was close, I think they probably should have thrown a flag.

Tim:

"How many Watts are in his energy source?"

You make me hate science, Jon Gruden.

Vega:

Are you kitten-ing kidding me?! They gain 8 yards on a sack?

MDC:

I feel nauseous. I blame this game. Not the vodka. NEVER the vodka

tGC (just before the McCain interception)

Who stole JJo and replaced him with Petey Faggins?

MDC:

Because God hates us because BFD masturbates a lot.

Vega (just following the McCain interception):

Maybe BFD's masturbation is lucky?

Half Time

Vega:

Andre Johnson with zero catches so far. That must change. Cromartie ain't that good.

tGC:

I imagine he'll get a few as the Jets load up to stop the run. Which they suck at.

BFD (delayed):

I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 17 YEARS THAT'S WHY DAMMIT!

Third Quarter:

BFD:

Dobbins getting Cush's snaps.

They have 132 (I think) passing yards at the half.

I'm going to kitten a kitten up the kitten.

BFD:

JJ Watt has changed the flow of yet another game.

MDC:

J.J. Watt could change the flow of plate tectonics. He has impact.

tGC (echoing all of our sentiments after yet another special teams penalty):

Our special teams are so unbelievably, consistently kitteny.

I love our ownership, but they frustrate me with the way they wait way too long to can someone who so desperately deserves it

Tim:

Andre dropped a pass? There is no Tebow.

BFD:

WHERE IN THE KITTEN IS THE KITTEN DAMN PLAY ACTION?

MDC:

James Casey is my spirit animal.

tGC (after the Jets returned a kickoff for a touchdown):

Your Houston Texans special teams, ladies and gentlemen.

tGC:

Is Frank Bush our special teams coach?

TDC:

Seriously, kitten Joe Marciano. He has all those kitten damned specialists and this is what he produces? The league's worst special teams unit? Kitten that guy. I hope he's fired.

MDC:

Further proof Marciano sucks? Neither of the two Texans in position for that onside kick called a fair catch, even though you can after one bounce this year.

Vega:

I'm going to step away from the thread for about ten minutes and just watch that James Casey catch over and over.

tGC:

There's your play action.

Brett:

There's your kittening play action.

BFD:

There's my kittening play action.

TDC:

Kitten field goals.

Rivers (making a cameo)

Shayne Graham sucks too

Fourth Quarter

Vega:

What the kitten is up with Johnathan Joseph tonight?

MDC (after another J.J. Watt rejection)

Best part? Watt was mad that he didn't pick it off.

MDC:

Six point game. Not a fan of what I fear is happening.

BFD:

This game is embarrassing on every level possible.

Brett:

That awkward moment when Kareem Jackson is playing like you best DB...

TDC:

I hate Trindon Holliday. I hate Joe Marciano. I hate that they're on this team.

BFD:

Been thinking that for 2 quarters now.

Also, get Trindon the kitten off the field.

MDC:

A KITTENING RUN ON KITTENING THIRD AND 11?!!?!?!?!?!?

Vega:

I kittening hate that kid and his kittening tuba

TDC (after J.J. Watt's athletic sack)

I love J.J. Watt. That's a man right there. He put the D on his back.

MDC:

If he wanted to have sex with my wife, I'd be honored.

If he wanted to have sex with Vega's wife, I'd kill Vega for him.

Vega:

If he wanted to have sex with my wife I'd kill myself for him.

MDC:

That's good hustle.

BFD:

Tipped pass. Clutch sack. If we win this game, it's because JJ is the best player in the NFL right now. Period.

BFD (on third and short with four minutes left):

PLAY ACTION RIGHT NOW DAMMIT!

TDC:

It's 3rd and 1. Everyone thinks a run is coming. SO WHY NOT PLAY ACTION PASS?!

MDC:

Because . . . uh, that might . . . uh . . .

Jeez, I hate our third-down playcalling

Tim:

I would have gone for it. Coincidentally, I've been drinking.

Vega:

I seriously thought about it. I've been drinking too.

BFD:

McCain and Bradie with a sack.

Would never happen in real life.

Vega:

Kareem Jackson saves the game while Johnathan Joseph is a liability. And here I thought I was drinking beer.

TDC:

Good teams win ugly: Ravens beat KC 9-6. Nice to know Houston can do the same.

MDC:

Funny thing is, people will say the Falcons are the best team in the NFL because the Texans struggled here, despite the Falcons struggling against the impotent Panthers.

Vega:

The Falcons had no business winning that game.

Vega:

Do you think Marciano is smart enough to max protect this punt?

Brett:

I don't know what to think about this game other than that we are very very lucky to have Watt.

MDC (after Watt batted down the final pass)

J.J. Watt one more motherkittening time. I want to have his babies.

TDC:

I will never ever ever complain at a Houston win. Win a tough, ugly game. Go to 5-0. J.J. Watt is GodKing of Houston.

MDC:

Watt did the Jet Plane celebration. KITTEN YO TEAM, NEW YORK!

Vega:

J.J. Watt: "You can't try to throw it over my head"

I may go ahead and kill myself anyway just in case he might one day want to have sex with my wife.

tGC:

I'm all in favor of renaming the Texans the Houston JJWatts.

That game was far more stressful than it should have been by most measures, but when all is said and done, your Houston Texans are 5-0 and just won a game that they definitely would have lost only a couple of years ago.

Regardless of how you felt about various aspects of this game, remember the less than good times that we all suffered as fans only a few short years ago. Instead, the Jets pulled out just about every stop they could think of and the Texans held on and never trailed.

Are there things to be concerned about? Of course. The biggest worry out of this one is the injury to Brian Cushing. The "special" teams are a disaster, and the offensive inconsistency is maddening.

But again, before we complain too much, take a moment to appreciate the fact that this is, in fact, the best team in the league.

Game Balls:

Offense: Arian Foster, though James Casey still has my heart

Defense: J.J. Watt. Brice McCain had a hell of a game, but c'mon... Watt is just a monster.

Special Teams: Gary Kubiak only if he finally realizes that he needs a new special teams coach. Otherwise, I guess Keo for grabbing that onside kick. Damn, this unit sucks.


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