Hair of the Dog: Now With More Kitten (Texans @ Patriots)

Jim Rogash

Want to relive Texans-Patriots? Well, read this anyway.

The other day, I was talking about football to a friend at work. This friend is a Steelers fan (no kitten, huh), and he made the comment that he didn't like his team to have such a good record because he wants them to stay focused.

After commenting that by that rationale, he must be very proud of his team this season -- and while making a mental note of how dumb the remark was to begin with -- I mentioned that I wouldn't know, as this is pretty much uncharted territory for me.

Well, now we know. Tonight was arguably the most anticipated regular season game in Texans history. This team has never played in a game under a spotlight quite this bright nor in a game with implications that mattered to many people outside of this blog.

That ends tonight.

In preparation of such a momentous occasion, most of your BRB crew is really taking their game to the next level. Tim is hosting BRBapalooza, MDC is making tinga poblana, Rivers is in the press box, and BFD even put on a clean pair of tighty whiteys.

As for me, however, I'm in the same ass groove in the same couch as I've been in all season and will likely be waking up a sleeping toddler with every big play.

So join us for what should be an epic game.

Pregame:

Vega:

I'm still on detox from the weekend, so hopefully I don't pass out before halftime.

Brett:

I have 50 wings in front of me. Let's do this.

MDC:

That's good hustle. I have tinga poblana and ABTs.

Vega:

It's moments like this that make me hope John Gruden goes back into coaching

UT:

You know, as bad as a lot of the guys who do play by play on TV can be, I thank Durga every day that Jim Gray is not one of them.

What an obsequious little Patriots kiss-ass.

tGC:

I want to state for all the world to hear that the Texans' letter jackets rock.

MDC:

Agreed. I wish they'd refused to give Shayne Graham one, though.

First Quarter:

Vega:

If Foster can run like this, it should be a nice night

UT:

From your lips to Durga's ears.

All 74 of them.

TDC:

Andre Johnson is pumped. That or he doesn't like Aqib Talib

TDC:

You know who doesn't get any tinga? Joe Marciano.

Tim:

The Star needs to catch that.

Vega:

How the kitten did Kareem Jackson not get that fumble??

TDC:

Kareem Jackson has made two mistakes already. Not good.

Vega:

Hey, I got a good idea... let's put Brady James on Aaron Hernandez!

Tim:

As a general rule, linebackers should not be covering Aaron Hernandez. Earlier it was Sharpton, and on the TD pass it was James. That needs to change.

Vega:

Ooooh... Andre Johnson in the backfield

Brett (after Matt Schaub's interception):

Oh my kitten, Matt. What was that.

UT:

This "WTF Interception" is brought to you by Drano milkshakes.

Vega (after Brady's second TD):

This is very 2010ish so far. Or at least the last-Monday-night-game-ish.

UT:

No, this is more like the Texans first SNF game this year.

God I hope there's beer in this apartment.

Vega:

Yeah, that's what I meant

Tim:

Tom Brady is outSchaubing the Texans on the playaction.

tGC:

So, I can't say I'm optimistic about this. Joseph looks like shit and for some reason Wade seems to think that having linebackers cover wide receivers is a winning strategy.

And now the media stroking of Brady will commence.

Vega:

My daughter just woke up crying. I can't blame her.

Tim:

Ryan Harris and Ben Jones are having problems. Jones, I get; it's Wilfork. Harris is getting abused by Ninkovich.

tGC:

We've given up two sacks and one pick to one of the worst defenses in the league and the first quarter isn't over yet.

That's quite a thing.

Second Quarter:

Vega (after the Pass Interference call on Manning):

What a horrible kittening call.

tGC:

Usain Bolt is not catching that ball and that's a pass interference? Kitten this.

Tim (after the Texans forgot to cover Hernandez):

Every Texans fan instantly exclaimed, "CHRIS JOHNSON!"

Tim:

As disappointing as the defense has been, the offense is matching them kitten for kitten.

Brett:

THROW IT TO ANDRE GOD DAMN JOHNSON PLEASE.

Vega:

My daughter just pissed all over her bed. It's been the highlight of the night so far.

Rivers:

BRBPalooza could not have gone better for 360. Drinking is actively being encouraged

Tim (clearly enjoying 360):

That's a three and out, boys. We aren't dead yet.

tGC:

Wow. A punt. Victory is ours!

Vega:

Kitten everyone else. Just throw it to AJ

tGC:

This just in: running at Wilfork is still a bad idea.

Rivers:

So at least Kubiak went for it?

Vega:

I don't care about the result, I still support going for it on fourth down there.

Tim:

With Shayne Graham as your kicker? Not even debatable.

UT:

Offensive pass interference?

There IS a god!

tGC:

On the plus side, we've defended the run pretty well. On the minus side, it doesn't matter because we can't defend the pass and we can't score.

BFD:

The term "kittenstomping" is thrown around all too often these days, but the nominee in our next category...

UT:

Until it hits 58-0, I'm hard pressed to call this a kittenstomping just yet.

Vega:

With 20 seconds left and 70 yards to go, a 5 yard slant may not be the best play call.

UT:

SEC LINEBACKERS! SEC LINEBACKERS! ALL HAIL THE SEC LINEBACKER CORPS!

/Gruden'd

I'm going to get the hanging rope ready.

Half Time:

tGC:

Schaub is having a horrible game.

UT:

Easily his worst game all season.

Brett:

The only thing that gives me solace is that there is still 30 minutes left and the defense has decided to play all of the sudden.

Tim:

I'm not going to say the Texans are going to win this game. I will say that this aggression will not stand. They're better than this.

UT:

The AFC South champs shall rise again?

Vega:

My current hangover and early morning meetings are battling my desire to get kittening kittenfaced right now.

TDC:

It's as if Schaub's just trying too hard for big plays. He's pressing and the offense is suffering for it. Also, where are the bootlegs and play-actions? The offense doesn't look normal. I'm seeing way too many dropbacks.

Defensively, they've settled down, but if the offense can't sustain some drives then they'll get worn out.

They need a takeaway or something to spark some life into them. 21's not too deep a hole if they can get something going.

/shot

Third Quarter

Vega:

Watt's starting to get a few shots on Brady. That's the only good development so far.

Rivers:

Brandon Harris seems to be playing alright.

/grasping for positives.

TDC:

Bad special teams play! YEAH! Goddamnit I hate you Joe Marciano.

UT:

Now can we fire Joe Marciano?

It'd be okay if you lied to me and said "yes."

TDC:

I'll lie to any of you guys.

Yes, we can fire Joe Marciano.

Yes, we can have a big space-eating nose tackle.

Yes, we can stop Vince Wilfork.

tGC:

The Texans were into special teams penalties before they were cool. Now they're into then for ironic reasons.

Tim:

It's a HotD #TTTQ. The final score will be?

Vega:

Kitteny

UT:

At this rate, eerily reminiscent of the Seahawks/Cardinals game.

Brett:

24-21 incoming. Just you watch.

Vega:

Is there any chance that someone other than Watt might put pressure on Brady?

TDC (after Brandon Harris got burnt by Donte' Stallworth):

Ball game.

Tim:

Brandon Harris. LVP tonight.

Vega:

Wow, Brandon Harris just got brutalized on that play. Both before and after the catch.

Tim:

You guys remember when Lestar Jean was going to redefine the WR position?

Yeah, me neither.

TDC:

LeStar Jean is truly Camp Star Jean forever.

/Diehard Chris acknowledgement.

Brett:

You shut your whore mouth. Lester is our best weapon.

TDC:

NOT A SHUTOUT! YES! NOT A FREAKING SHUTOUT!

Vega:

Cut it back to 21 points. Yessss!!

Tim:

I have now convinced myself the Texans threw this game. It's all about the postseason. Kubiak is Verbal Kent.

Vega:

I'd rather he be Kaizer Soze right now.

"I'd rather see every member of the Patriots dead rather than live a single day after this."

Or something like that.

Brett (after the Mercilus sack):

AT A BOY MERC

Vega:

Nice to see Brady bitch after that sack.

Vega (after another special teams penalty):

The only thing that would make this game worthwhile is if when the team got back to the airport, Marciano found out that they had only bought him a one way ticket.

TDC:

Keshawn Martin sucks at catching.

tGC:

I'm looking forward to watching The Hobbit.

UT:

What does Trindon Holliday have to do with this?

Tim:

Wade seems to have returned to covering Hernandez with LBs. That
seems...questionable

Vega:

There is a part of me that wonders if Kubiak and Wade have decided to treat the rest of the season like the preseason where they just don't want to show anything new.

#falsehope

tGC:

That doesn't change the fact that Schaub has been horrible and that our wide receivers aside from Dre have sucked.

Fourth Quarter:

Vega (after the fumble touchdown):

I give up

Brett:

WHAT THE KITTEN

tGC:

Ok. It's official. Durga has forsaken us.

BFD:

The Lloyd fumble recovery is the only highlight necessary for this game.

Vega:

For what it's worth, that was an amazing play by Watt.

MDC:

That ultimately gave NE points. Kill me. I'm so drunk, I want to die. I literally just went outside and punched the inflatable Santa.

Tim:

Kitten just got real.

Vega:

That shot of Watt on the bench makes me want to see Brady take the field again

tGC:

It's fair to say that our offense and defense have played down to the level of our special teams.

It's like the 2005 Texans.

Tim:

Gary Kubiak has Stevan Ridley on his fantasy team.

Tim:

Putting it in perspective...can you recall a more humiliating loss?

Because I can. We're Texans fans, baby!

MDC (treating his inflatable Santa like Juan Manuel Marquez treats Manny Pacquiao)

Matt_santa_medium

Wow, that sucked. So, let's hope the Texans can avoid the really high powered offenses in the playoffs.

There's nothing to be proud of in this game, but at least the Texans will have plenty of film to study should they meet the Patriots in January.

I never expected the Texans to go undefeated, and I'm not terribly surprised about a loss in this game, but I am surprised at how little resistance the Texans offered. Superbowl winning teams don't normally suffer multiple blowouts in a single season.

That said, let's not blow it out of proportion. It's still just one game, and the Texans are still likely to get a first round bye.

Hopefully they can learn from this, but there is definitely something to be worried about. Fortunately, the Texans still have a few weeks to work this out.

Game Balls:

Offense: Andre Johnson played a good game. That's all I got.

Defense: J.J. Watt played a good game. That's all I got.

Special Teams: Aw, kitten this.

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