Hair of the Dog: Oops, Fall Down (Vikings @ Texans)

Matt Schaub prepares to throw an incompletion - Brett Davis-USA TODAY Sports

The Texans played like a team that has nothing left to play for as opposed to one that had a chance to secure home field advantage. Let's relive it!

Somehow, despite all odds, the world did not end on Friday. Part of me is a little disappointed, as it means I have to go back to work on Wednesday and I still have to pay off my student loans, but for the most part, I'd say that the positives of avoiding the apocalypse outweigh the negatives.

While I never really bought into the idea that the world was going to end, I have to admit that I do believe that should it happen, it would likely be toward the end of a season in which the Texans held the best record in football.

It's also possible that the world was actually scheduled to end, but J.J. Watt sacked the Mayan gods and saved the season.

Either way, the NFL season (and life in general) goes on.

Now, as the holidays are upon us, it's time to see if the Texans can provide us all with one extra Christmas present: A number one seed.

Regardless of what happens today, I'm sure I speak for everyone here at BRB when I say that I hope you have a happy and safe holiday season.

Pregame:

Tim:

I'm at Reliant Stadium on a 70 degree day. It's already Christmas.

MDC:

Roof open or closed?

Tim:

Surely you jest.

BFD:

I can't believe you asked.

Brett:

Sometimes I wonder why they even bothered making it retractable.

UT:

Have they ever actually opened the roof?

Rivers:

I actually looked this up while I was in the NE press box: the last open roof was against the Jaguars last November.

First Quarter:

TDC:

Kickoff return past the 20! Success!

Vega:

Posey out there again.

Vega:

Aaaand Posey with the drop

Rivers:

I really liked that formation that the Texans ran on third-and-10 there. Bunch with Andre in motion to the left. It didn't work because Schaub made a dumb throw, but it was a neat wrinkle.

Vega:

Holy kitten! Shayne Graham hit from over 50! Are we sure the world didn't end?

TDC:

51-yard field goal. I'm all sorts of stunned.

TDC:

And now Graham kicked it mid-way into the end zone. That's it. Test him for steroids.

BFD:

In case we've forgotten: Kitten Jared Allen.

UT:

Good God, leave those receivers wide open, sure, why not?

Vega:

Harris just got destroyed there

Rivers:

Getting burned by a receiver who shouldn't be in the NFL. Nice work, Bran.

TDC:

I've seen Shiloh Keo on the field for defense. We failed somewhere.

Vega:

There's your first stupid special teams penalty on the day. Thanks, Posey.

Brett:

Why is it that every time I praise a rookie in RR they come back the next week and make me look stupid. Seriously. Every time.

TDC:

Wade made some quick adjustments there to get Watt freed up. Like seeing that.

Rivers:

Bradie James is best used as a decoy

Vega:

It amazes me that Andre Johnson can still get so open on these bootlegs.

UT:

Daniels walking off the field. Why does this not warm the cockles of my heart?

Second Quarter:

Vega:

Well Daniels looks ok there.

UT (after Foster's fumble:

Aw, kitten everything.

Vega:

agreed

Rivers:

On the list of things I'm most concerned about in this game, giving up actual passing yards to Christian Ponder is 1A, 1B, 1C, and 1D.

TDC:

Now Kareem gives up a catch to Michael Jenkins. Awful. Jenkins shouldn't be in the NFL anymore.

Vega:

Remember when we had that dominant defense? That was fun.

Brett:

I've never missed Cushing so much in my life.

Vega:

We're making Christian Ponder look like Chad Henne out there.

TDC:

That's the 2nd time today I've seen those extending arms by Minnesota when the WR breaks out of his cut. Good technique

Rivers:

Remember when FO preached regression for this defense and everyone wanted to baptize me with fire? Well...

Brett:

You shut your dirty whore mouth, Rivers.

UT:

Dear Joe Marciano,

This is Blair Walsh. He just made a 51 yard field goal easily. We could have had him if it weren't for you. Kindly die in a grease fire.

Yours,

UT

Brett:

That record being set against us hurts me more than you can imagine

Vega:

I'm gonna play a little devil's advocate here. We don't know that Randy Bullock isn't a good kicker. It's not his fault that he got hurt

MDC:

Everything sucks right now. Goddamnit.

Vega:

My daughter just woke up from a nap and apparently she did her best impersonation of the Texans play in the bed. I'll be back in a bit

Rivers:

Joe Marciano is going to stare at his Week 15 game ball and drown out all you haters.

Vega:

Remember when we used to have a dominant offense? That was fun.

Brett:

Remember when we ran the ball effectively?

UT:

Kubiak better lay into them during the half. Even if it means raising his voice and kitten.

Brett:

YA'LL AREN'T BATTLEFIGHTIN' ENOUGH GOSH DARN IT

UT:

It's like watching a pastiche of every single Texans game from 2002 to 2010, this game

Halftime:

Vega:

Halftime. The Texans are losing to the Vikings. Matt Schaub is being outplayed by Christian Ponder. Arian Foster is being outrushed by Christian Ponder. J.J. Watt has zero tackles and zero pass deflections. The only reason they're not being shutout is because Shayne Graham actually made a 50 yard field goal.

That's right, the best unit on the field is special teams.

How does this make you feel?

TDC:

All the rage. All of it.

MDC:

Stabby

UT:

Like I should be on suicide watch

UT:

YOU feel stabby? I've got some Viking fan sitting next to me fawning over Adrian Peterson and talking about how their second best pass rusher isn't even playing.

The fact that I'm not writing this in prison says a lot for my self-restraint right now.

TDC (from Minnesota):

Oh, what's that? You have 1 Vikings fan around you? Oh, you've my pity.

Vega:

The only thing that makes me smile is that my daughter just watched all the highlights and kept saying, "uh oh... fall down."

Well, I assure you, it's funnier when she says it.

Third Quarter:

UT:

Hang on, when did "fondling the quarterback" become the same thing as roughing the passer?

Brett:

Holy kitten...that was the glanciest glance of a helmet to helmet ever

TDC (after Watt tackled Peterson):

Dat Power.

Never seen anyone wrap Peterson's legs and yank him down like that.

Vega:

Raise your hand if you're surprised there was a flag on that return.

Well, I can't see your hands, but I'm going to assume they're all down.

Rivers:

You know how every instance of a team playing poorly is blamed on something stupid? The curse of the Bambino and what not?

#CurseOfJoeMarGameBall

Brett (just before the Texans recovered a fumble):

We need a turnover. Or three.

UT:

I can't feel anything right now.

Vega:

Consider yourself lucky

UT:

And now Andre's limping off the field.

Fine! Shoot your prisoner!

UT (after the Texans embarrassed themselves on the goal-line):

If they can't get one kittening yard when it matters, they don't deserve to win this game.

Brett:

Oh for kitten's sake.

Fourth Quarter:

Vega:

I'm really not looking forward to seeing this in the playoffs.

TDC:

Kareem Jackson. Holy Kitten.

Brett:

That's a KTFO award if I've EVER seen one.

Vega:

Despite what the announcer (whose name I'm not interested in looking up) said, I didn't see any helmet contact. His head snapped back because his body trajectory was radically changed.

MDC:

Game over.

/TMQ'd

TDC:

I've no more words for this. Just absolutely the worst game I've seen in the Kubiak era.

Vega:

The three Texans losses this year (and I'm chalking this one up already) have been an embarrassment.

UT:

Please, someone tell me there's SOMETHING good we can take away from this.

So far all I've got is that nobody lost an appendage/has gone to prison.

Other than that, I'm tapped out.

Vega:

Justin Forsett on a run. Kubiak has given up.

It's one thing to watch your team lose a game, but it's another thing to watch them play uninspired football and get blown off the field. They had a chance to do something special in front of the home crowd today, and they were never in it.

The approach to the game seemed solid: Contain Adrian Peterson and make Ponder beat you. Only, they forgot that without the offense, a solid defensive gameplan is meaningless. And the execution of the defense, while better than the offense, was far from sharp.

The Texans have had far worse games in their history, when one factors in expectations, predicted matchups, and what was at stake, it's hard to recall a more disappointing performance.

The number one seed is still within reach, but if they continue playing like this, well, to quote UT, "that one seed will be utterly meaningless."

Game Balls:

Offense: Andre Johnson. He's the only offensive player that didn't make me want to puke.

Defense: J.J. Watt. Even in a game this bad, he continues to play with incredible consistency.

Special Teams: Donny Jones. Graham scored the only points for the defense, but Donny Jones had some monster punts that helped dig the team out of some of the holes that the offense put them in. In fact, you could argue that Jones was the most valuable player for the entire team.

Aw, kitten.

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