Hair of the Dog: As Disappointing As The Texans (Texans @ Colts)

USA TODAY Sports

A journey through hell led by Matt Schaub and narrated by your favorite crew of miscreants.

Normally I write the introduction to this thing prior to the game. I like doing that because my mood has not been infected by the performance on the field and I am genuinely excited about the prospect of football in my future.

This week, however, I've been busy with family in town and I didn't get a chance to pre-write the intro.

Now I'm pissed.

Now, my ability to write witty jokes (at least I think they're witty) is completely tainted.

So I apologize for the crappiness of this intro, but I think considering the performance that the Texans just subjected us to, I think it's oddly appropriate.

First Quarter:

tGC:

We haven't even had the ball yet and already filled with incandescent rage.

And I hate Dan Dierdorf so very, very much.

Brett:

Defense looked like hot garbage on that drive. Bradie James is humiliatingly bad.

BFD:

Here we go again?

MDC:

Bradie James couldn't cover BFD.

tGC:

This game is 1/8th over and already I could kill someone.

tGC:

Brandon Harris covering Reggie Wayne. A winning formula!

Rivers:

Darryl Sharpton having to be frantically waived over to the running back split wide at the goal line was my favorite moment of that first series.

UT (after Matt Schaub was sacked):

Now that was a Pro Bowl-caliber "letting someone blow past you for the sack".

Tim:

How in the kitten do you kitten up a kittening 12 men on the field challenge?

Rivers:

Aggie Math.

UT:

He threw it to Posey? Did he read Brett's post or something?

MDC:

Foster showing 2011-era balance/vision so far today.

Second Quarter:

UT (after the Texans recovered the fumble that wasn't):

NOW THAT'S MORE KITTENIN' LIKE IT! Texans ball!

Vega (after it was ruled that the Colts are not allowed to fumble):

That is a kittening ridiculous ruling.

UT:

I hope the refs all get genital leprosy.

Tim:

That is a horrendous kittening call. Kittenkittenkittenkittenitykitten

Vega (after Antonio Smith's sack):

I love how Smith slammed Luck's face into the turf there.

tGC:

Sorry guys. We're going to have a hard time overcoming both the Colts and the refs today. I don't see it happening.

MDC:

I agree. Blakeman's group favors home teams on a normal day. Today, they're all wearing Chuckstrong t-shirts under their stripes

Vega:

If the Colts aren't going to cover Andre, it could make up for a few things.

UT:

Is it really asking too damn much for two yards?

The obvious answer is yes

Brett:

We aren't going to win with field goals...

MDC:

Shayne Graham didn't even clear the wedge with that KO.

UT:

Seriously, the 2010 Texans can go back from whatever time machine from hell they came from and bring back the Texans from earlier this season. Like now.

MDC:

Crick didn't go in the kittening neutral zone. He rocked forward, but he was off the line prior to that move.

Vega:

Raise your hand if you have confidence in the Texans offense to drive 97 yards.

Tim:

I'm a tad concerned with the amount of stupid and inexcusable penalties on the defense in Week 17.

Vega:

Duane Brown with the block of the year there.

UT (after Matt Schaub's interception):

God. Damn. It.

Brett:

Holy kitten there was absolutely nothing on that throw. Wow.

Rivers:

I'm starting to believe the Texans just need to spread it out with Schaub in the gun and five real receivers. That's the only time this offense has looked better than competent in the last seven weeks

Tim:

I am angrier than I've ever been at Matt Schaub right now.

Vega (after T.Y. Hilton nearly scored on third down):

That play was an exercise in incompetence.

Brett:

OH MY MOTHER KITTENING GOD HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A HARD COUNT BEFORE?

BFD:

This team clearly hasn't quit, but the playing like complete dogkitten is pissing me off.

MDC:

I don't even know if I can watch the second half. I'm going to throw my laptop through the TV at this rate.

Rivers:

We've secretly replaced Danieal Manning with Will Demps. Lets see if anyone will notice...

Vega:

This team is such an embarrassment right now.

MDC:

On top of everything else, the Colts are getting away with egregious holding as well. Yay.

BFD:

This is easily the worst half of Gary Kubiak's coaching career.

Vega:

I'm not even sure it's the worst half of Gary Kubiak's last two weeks.

Halftime:

tGC:

I'm not going to make excuses, because we're dogshit right now, but I cannot recall seeing a worse call than the non-fumble on Luck. And yet it's close, because the false start call on Dre makes me wonder if they should test the refs for peyote.

Tim:

Trying to stay positive...Indy just played about as well as they possibly could and had a lot of breaks go their way. Houston just played about as poorly as they possibly could and had very few things go their way. If things even out, the Texans can win this game.

MDC:

You started drinking REALLY early today, didn't you?

Tim:

That's neither here nor there. Get 7 on the first drive, and we're back in business.

Third Quarter:

Vega:

Keshawn Martin runs it out from 9 yards deep. 5 seconds into the half and I'm already upset again

MDC:

Because why WOULDN'T you bring it out from 9.5 yards deep?!?

Vega:

Derek Newton's best block of the day involved falling on his ass.

Vega:

I don't comprehend how Andre Johnson didn't catch that TD. Does not compute.

MDC:

That was my reaction, too. I screamed at the wife, "WHAT THE KITTEN JUST HAPPENED RIGHT THERE?" As if my brain couldn't put the pieces together in an order that made sense.

Brett:

FINALLY. GOD DAMN WAS ONE TOUCHDOWN SO HARD.

MDC:

Why do Schaub's backfoot throws seem to have the same strength as his full throws?

Rivers:

Anyone else thinking that not going for two was a mistake?

Tim:

Don't call it a comeback! All we need now is for Bradie James to lead the Texans' defense to a big stop.

Rivers:

Andre Johnson in the short zone is there all game long.

Vega (after Foster's big run):

That cut by Foster was AMAZING!!

BFD:

As poorly as we've played, as much as I've yelled at the TV, and we're now winning.

Oh, never mind. This is the game Marciano loses for us.

Vega:

Wow... Kareem never even had to make a cut.

Tim:

Joe Marciano strikes again.

UT:

Fire Marciano. Then hang him. Parade his body around Houston then shoot it into the fucking sun.

KITTENING GODDAMNIT!

Brett:

I...just...what.

MDC:

I'm putting this out there, and you all can hold me to it: if Joe Marciano is the ST coach next year, I will not watch a single second of Texans football in 2013.

Rivers:

Please don't tell me that actually surprised you.

UT:

Well that looked like a surrendering of the drive if ever I saw one.

/Checks to see when Seahawks game starts

UT:

Even on touchbacks when they don't even touch the ball they get penalized.

Kitten these special teams. Kitten 'em right in the mouth.

Fourth Quarter

Brett:

Brooks just got punked there.

Vega:

Normally, I'm all for being aggressive, but I would have punted there.

Tim:

Gary Kubiak is making it very hard to think he understands timeout management and/or Shayne Graham's limitations.

Brett:

STOP LETTING GRAHAM KICK IT.

Vega (after Hilton scored a TD on 3rd and 23):

Game. Over.

MDC:

Un. Kittening. Real.

Vega:

I don't even have the energy to be mad right now.

UT:

Just kitten everything.

Vega:

Note to random friends: Texting me right now is not a good way to extend our friendship.

UT:

Right now I'm not sure which is happening. Am I looking into the abyss or is the abyss looking into me?

UT (after Matt Schaub's interception):

Meltdown mode activated.

Vega:

How in the name of anything holy was that a flag on Kareem Jackson?!

UT:

The same magic that had Andrew Luck throw an incomplete backwards pass.

God, that was painful.

Considering what transpired with the Broncos and Patriots, the Texans will not have a first round bye. How about that? Only two weeks ago, we were looking at a high probability of not just a first round bye, but also a number one seed. The only thing the team needed to do was beat either Minnesota or Indianapolis. Instead, they lost both in embarrassing fashion.

Instead, they're looking at having to travel to New England if they're going to advance.

No, scratch that. The way this team is playing, they're going to be watching the divisional round on TV like the rest of us.

As I told my wife, the silver lining here is that the nightmare conclusion to the season is nearly over.

Game Balls.

Offense: Andre Johnson. Everyone else sucked.

Defense: J.J. Watt. He had some great penetration and tackles for a loss. And everyone else sucked.

Special Teams. Aw, kitten this...

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