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We're Gettin' The Bag Back Together: The Return Of The Battle Red Bag

Uncle Bob applauds the return of the Battle Red Bag.

If you are reading this, then you are (by definition) the type of person who reads Battle Red Blog. If you've been engaging in said reading since last summer, you might also be the type of person who recalls a little weekly feature known as the Battle Red Bag. And, if you do recall the Bag, you likely also remember that it only functions if you and others like you send in questions.

After the jump, the details of the Bag await your curious eyes.

Star-divide

As I wrote when introducing the Bag last May:

Is that little voice in your head asking, "Who the hell would want to ask questions about the Texans every week? Isn't answering what questions a blog wants answered the purpose of the actual blog articles?" The voice raises a good point. We've thought about that. So, instead of merely having Texans-related questions in the bag, it will be open to more or less any topic.

No, seriously, you can e-mail about anything: beer, women, college course schedules, why Cookie Crisp is indisputably the best breakfast cereal (it is!), clarification of weightspeed calculations, rants about Amobi Okoye, paeans to Amobi Okoye, why Tim secretly loves Amobi Okoye, movies, music, bar-b-que, relationship advice (I have no idea why you would want to do this), hypothetical legal questions (this mailbag does not create a lawyer-client relationship yada yada yada), or anything else under the Sun.

Hell, you don't even have to e-mail questions only; feel free to e-mail observations as well.

All of that still holds true, though I should mention that "more or less any topic" does not include politics, nor does it include any question that can only be answered by posting a picture of boobs. So, you know, the usual rules still apply.

Assuming this sounds like the kind of thing you'd care to be a part of, email your question(s) to me at mattycamp@gmail.com, preferably with "Mailbag" or "Bag" or something bag-related in the subject line. PLEASE DO NOT POST QUESTIONS IN THE COMMENTS OF THIS POST, AT LEAST NOT IF YOU WANT THOSE QUESTIONS INCLUDED IN THE BATTLE RED BAG.

Hopefully, we'll roll this bad boy out some time on Friday. Whether the Bag is a weekly feature will depend primarily on the amount of questions received. Oh, and, in case you are new to this and want a couple examples of what the Battle Red Bag generally entails, here is some "highlight" reel footage:

Would Pulp Fiction have been better if John Travolta and Eric Stoltz had switched roles?

What would my perfect party be, given an unlimited budget?

How to arrange a threesome.

Why do zombies bite?

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lol i love this.....This got me through my band practice!

Hah till i got caught and got kicked out of practice……messed up

All I want to do is FAAAARRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMM!!!....and COok.

by Mellowcheese on Feb 21, 2012 6:58 PM CST reply actions  

love the pick and the explanation
Surprisingly enough, the Texans had a very good pass rush without Mario Williams last season. They do not have to replace him with a first-round pick. By drafting Poe, they get a true nose tackle for their 3-4 and stronger up front. With the right moves to add to the offense in 2012, this is going to be a very good team.

and the clouds opened up and God said "I Hate you Texans Fans."

Our Andre, who art from Heaven, hallowed by thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Canton.

by Joe25 on Feb 21, 2012 7:24 PM CST reply actions  

uh...wrong post?

If everybody was somebody, then nobody would be anybody - Gilbert and Sullivan

by professortex on Feb 21, 2012 8:16 PM CST up reply actions  

yeah I dont know how that happened

I think I got Trolled by the internet or something.

and the clouds opened up and God said "I Hate you Texans Fans."

Our Andre, who art from Heaven, hallowed by thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Canton.

by Joe25 on Feb 21, 2012 11:05 PM CST up reply actions  

ohhhhhh yeaaaahh

- Feeling the five stages of grief since 2002.

"It's either gonna make you a man or a coward. One of the two. I'm a be a man. I ain't never seen a coward, heard a coward, coward not in ma
vocabulary." - Lawrence Vickers

"I believe in this "zombie team that won’t fucking die no matter how many body parts you shoot off." We can win this game.

by NoSafetiesNeeded on Feb 21, 2012 7:28 PM CST reply actions  

Hmmm....

/tries to think of a question that can only be answered by posting a bewb pic

A sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use.--Washington Irving

by Foster Child on Feb 21, 2012 7:53 PM CST reply actions  

TJ has a side job!

.
As a MOVIE STAR!!!
.

"How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that!"
-Chief Inspector Dreyfus

by FreedomRide on Feb 21, 2012 9:29 PM CST reply actions  

uhhh

This presumes Timerblake is a “movie star”
/Simmons would say ‘no’.

by grungedave on Feb 22, 2012 7:27 AM CST up reply actions  

This reminds me of a story

A turkey and a bull are talking. “I want to get to the top of that tree there, but I don’t have the energy,” said the turkey

The bull said, “Have some of my bullshit. It’s packed with nutrients.”

The turkey gobbled it up and he had the strength to fly to the lowest branch.

Next day, the turkey ate some more bullshit and he flew to the second branch.

The next day, the turkey ate more and was able to fly to the top of the tree. A farmer spotted him and shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral Of The Story: Bullshit can get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

"All our lives we're taught to get in line. The ones who conform never discover." - Undrafted Free Agent and NFL Rushing Leader Arian Foster

by Rip Jersey on Feb 22, 2012 9:13 AM CST up reply actions  

Here's another one.

A little sparrow is flying south for the winter, but got a late start. As he is flying, the ice begins to build up on his wings as he is buffeted by the winds, sleet and snow.

So, as the little sparrow becomes exhausted, he lands in a cow pasture. He begins to freeze as he stands among the snow drifts.

A cow, named “Foo” comes along and shits squarely on top of the little sparrow. Normally, this would be an unhappy event. But, to the sparrows great fortune, the cow poop warms the sparrow up. This makes the sparrow feel better, and the little sparrow begins to sing happily.

Soon, a cat hears the little sparrow singing in the cowpie, and digs the little sparrow out, then gobble the little sparrow up.

There are 2 morals here: 1. not everyone who shits on you is your enemy, and not everyone who digs you out of the shit is your friend.
2. If the “Foo” shits, wear it.

If everybody was somebody, then nobody would be anybody - Gilbert and Sullivan

by professortex on Feb 22, 2012 11:08 AM CST up reply actions  

A third moral to that story:

if you are neck deep in shit, keep you mounth shut.

If everybody was somebody, then nobody would be anybody - Gilbert and Sullivan

by professortex on Feb 22, 2012 11:10 AM CST up reply actions  

If the cow is named foo

Then you can replace the cow with another suitable animal, once you identify it.

Metasyntactic variables FTW!

Dallas Cowboys, all hat and no cattle since 1996.

"Will it never be noon?" Duke of Orleans to the Dauphin and Constable of France every Sunday before the Texans play.

by Jonathan Fosburgh on Feb 22, 2012 11:17 AM CST up reply actions  

JT=TJ

Who woulda thunk it?

A sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use.--Washington Irving

by Foster Child on Feb 22, 2012 4:51 PM CST up reply actions  

Chuck Norris of Course....Unless Bruce Lee rose from the grave...then chuck is toast again....

Doin stuff so nasty that you have to do it twice to confirm the level of nasty!!

by TEXSON on Feb 21, 2012 10:40 PM CST up reply actions  

Antonio Smith

Chuck Norris is getting weak! He continues to let that Dos XX copycat live is the proof of his weakness.

Matt Schoob, Mary O' Williams, Adrian Foster, Jacoby Ford, Kevin Walters, and Daniel Owens are my favorite Texans!

by MeSoLongHorny on Feb 22, 2012 7:56 AM CST up reply actions  

Oh...yesssssssssss!

You’ll enjoy the mail I sent in I do believe, MDC!

My thoughts are like Brian Cushing on the field: Everywhere.

by f22a4bandit on Feb 22, 2012 12:09 AM CST reply actions  

That's a nutty picture.

Matt Schoob, Mary O' Williams, Adrian Foster, Jacoby Ford, Kevin Walters, and Daniel Owens are my favorite Texans!

by MeSoLongHorny on Feb 22, 2012 10:19 AM CST up reply actions  

Pretty sure it's Gomes.

Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
Never use a long word where a short one will do.
If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
Never use the passive where you can use the active.
Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

-Orwell, Politics and the English Language

www.battleredblog.com

by tehGrindCrusher on Feb 22, 2012 10:29 AM CST up reply actions  

/smh

People asking questions in the comments here…

lulz

"Some ideas are so stupid that only intellectuals believe them." - George Orwell

I am Barry - I am from Texas

by Barryfromtexas on Feb 22, 2012 12:25 AM CST reply actions  

why are people asking questions in the comments?

No wait, that wasn’t a real question.
/facepalm

by CJ3m on Feb 22, 2012 7:55 AM CST via iPhone app reply actions  

Reading the highlight about zombies

reminded me of a conversation my husband and I had a few weeks ago and answered both sides of the argument, I guess. It centered on whether or not zombies could be cannibals (using the preface that zombies and non-zombie humans were not one and the same). It came down to ‘If zombies eat brains, do they also have a brain for other zombies to eat?’ But now I know that zombies don’t actually eat, they just like to spread infection (insert Kim K. joke here) so it makes both our arguments invalid. Guess we will have to find another bedtime topic.

No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

by Rae of Lite on Feb 22, 2012 8:41 AM CST reply actions  

Pillow talk

only in the sense that, yes, we were in bed with our heads on the pillows. It did not immediately follow fun time. That happened earlier in the day. =D

No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

by Rae of Lite on Feb 22, 2012 9:32 AM CST up reply actions  

good Sig!

"All our lives we're taught to get in line. The ones who conform never discover." - Undrafted Free Agent and NFL Rushing Leader Arian Foster

by Rip Jersey on Feb 22, 2012 9:35 AM CST up reply actions  

Banned

For taunting.

A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
"Blind fandom is all I got left." - LoneSpot

by bigfatdrunk on Feb 22, 2012 9:38 AM CST up reply actions  

docent matter.

had sex

CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES
CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES
CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES
CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES
CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES

by Carter Liles on Feb 22, 2012 10:30 AM CST up reply actions  

Fantastic comment.

Rec’d.

I have not yet begun to defile myself.

The Two-Day Hangover @ Battle Red Blog (2011) & SBN Houston (2010) | Twitter | About MDC

by MDC on Feb 22, 2012 11:21 AM CST up reply actions  

yeahh. you got me there.

damn autocorrect.

CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES
CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES
CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES
CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES
CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES CUT JACOBY JONES

by Carter Liles on Feb 22, 2012 12:10 PM CST up reply actions  

Everyone knows pillow talk doesn't happen after fun time

Uncontrollable sobbing does. Duh.

Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
Never use a long word where a short one will do.
If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
Never use the passive where you can use the active.
Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

-Orwell, Politics and the English Language

www.battleredblog.com

by tehGrindCrusher on Feb 22, 2012 10:30 AM CST up reply actions  

Are you my wife?

A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
"Blind fandom is all I got left." - LoneSpot

by bigfatdrunk on Feb 22, 2012 10:40 AM CST up reply actions  

Every wife does that.

Duh.

Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
Never use a long word where a short one will do.
If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
Never use the passive where you can use the active.
Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

-Orwell, Politics and the English Language

www.battleredblog.com

by tehGrindCrusher on Feb 22, 2012 10:48 AM CST up reply actions  

Yours, mine, LoneSpot's

That’s a pretty decent sample size.

A Texans fan. Really. No, I'm not kidding.
http://www.battleredblog.com
"Blind fandom is all I got left." - LoneSpot

by bigfatdrunk on Feb 22, 2012 11:21 AM CST up reply actions  

That's not taunting...

it’s bragging!

No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

by Rae of Lite on Feb 22, 2012 9:42 AM CST reply actions  

reply fail

No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

by Rae of Lite on Feb 22, 2012 9:42 AM CST up reply actions  

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