Battle Red Onion: Disgruntled Fans Arrested After Rioting On Kubiak's Lawn

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September 12, 2012

Houston, Texas


After a resounding 30-10 Texans win on Sunday, police responded to a call from Texans' head coach Gary Kubiak on Sunday night when he discovered a knot of some 50+ angry fans on his front lawn. These fans requested an opportunity to redress their grievances to the victorious coach using pitchforks, torches, and signs in large battle red letters.

When Kubiak caught sight of the rabble that had assembled on his front yard and trampled through a bed of his prize-winning pansies, he flung the curtains shut, sending the crowd into a frenzy.

"We just wanted to talk," said one of the rioters after smashing a Denver Broncos lawn ornament with his pitchfork. "But since he won't talk, we'll do the talking, with violence!"

Another riotous fan was more level-headed about the matter. "We're supposed to be Super Bowl contenders, right? Then we should have played like it, run up the score, and completely demoralized the Dolphins earlier today."

In theory, they could have done this, at least on defense, according to inside linebacker Bradie James when he said, "Wade really wanted to dial it up..." which would seem to indicate that he didn't ultimately do so.

"We should have been up by fifty at the half," exclaimed one fan after he had finished stomping on Kubiak's Texas A&M doormat. "I'm a season ticket holder. I don't pay hundreds of dollars a year just to see the Texans play sloppy in the first half! We deserve better!"

Not everyone had the same viewpoint as these rampaging fans. Several of whom we spoke to rolled their eyes when told of the spectacle.

"Have they forgotten what we've had to watch the last decade or so?" asked a nameless fan. "I can't even begin to count how many times in the past we could have lost a game like that. So it was an ugly win. Big deal, it was still a win, we should enjoy it and move on!"

Ultimately, the police did part of the job of quelling the riot, but a large chunk of credit for breaking up the brawl also went to Texans defensive end J.J. Watt. As he did most of Sunday, he was a dominating force on the front lawn, deflecting rocks thrown at Kubiak's front window, bringing down the ringleader of the unruly mob, and ultimately causing the remnants of the crowd to run away scared like school children or Blaine Gabbert.

"Yeah, J.J. was a critical part of the solution," said Kubiak while cleaning up fragments of his garden gnome (named "Knorman"). He fought hard and got rid of the rabble pretty easily."

When asked about the rioters, Kubiak only shrugged and said, "Ultimately, they're all good kids and they want what's best for the team, and I hope they'll keep battlin' on for the team...as long as they stay off my lawn."

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