Predicting The Winners (Week One), Or: I Said Pick It! Pick It! Pick It Good!

I will never learn. At this moment, I am in 84 fantasy leagues (with one more yet to draft on the 15th), two pick 'em pools, and in December, I'll be neck deep in running my college football pool. So what do I do? I set myself up to write a weekly picks post sponsored by Buffalo Wild Wings.

Why do I do this? I can think of two reasons. First, I love Buffalo Wild Wings the way I love the son I never had (seriously BWW, thanks for finally coming to the Seattle area), and second, because many of you are probably in similar pick 'em pools and might benefit (I emphasize the word "might" here) from these posts.

So how is this going to work, you may ask. Follow me and I'll explain. Even if you don't ask, I'll explain anyway.

It's pretty simple, really. Every Thursday, I'll list the week's games and pick who will win each game. I asked if I could pick both teams playing in a single game and they just told me to go away; which seemed kind of rude, I thought.

I'll give a brief explanation as to why I made the pick I did. Sometimes it will make sense, most times it probably won't, and more often than not, I'll ramble about something semi-related to one team or the other; it's why Tim keeps me around.

But it's probably best if I show you, so without putting up with that Tulsa Cowboys/New York Giants game, here's the list of games for Week One:

Sunday

1 p.m. EDT/10 a.m. PDT

Indianapolis Colts at Chicago Bears - A rematch of Super Bowl XLI, but I expect a different outcome to this game. Manning and the Sex Cannon are both gone and the Colts are clearly in rebuilding mode. Pick: Bears

Philadelphia Eagles at Cleveland Browns - This is an easy pick, so instead I propose a different choice: which quarter will Michael Vick get injured in? Oh...I can't do that? Fine. Party pooper. Pick: Eagles

Buffalo Bills at New York Jets - Dear Roger Goodell, can't you please slap either Sanchez or Tebow with a season-long suspension so I don't have to listen to the Jets QB controversy all season long? I know you have it in you, and I'd LOVE to see what kind of violation you would dig up for Tebow. As for the game? Mario Williams and that defensive line look kinda scary. Whoever starts at QB will wet themselves at least once. Pick: Bills

Washington Redskins at New Orleans Saints - Overheard in the Saints' locker room: "I will pay $2,000 to whoever hits Robert Griffin III so hard the 'III' falls off of his name." Pick: Saints

New England Patriots at South Kentucky BE-SFs - I feel dirty picking the Pats. I really do, but picking Southern Kentucky would make me throw up. Plus, there's no way I think Locker and Co. keep up with the fightin' Bradys' offense. Pick: Patriots

Jacksonville Jaguars at Minnesota Vikings - Whoever has to watch this game should get a free bottle of Scotch to make it at least faintly watchable; or in Minnesota's case, akvavit. As for the game itself, I cannot in good conscience pick the Jaguars for this game, or any game that involves Blaine Gabbert throwing a ball. Pick: Vikings

St. Louis Rams at Detroit Lions - The Rams are rebuilding...again, this time under the tutelage of the Great Mustache, Jeff Fisher. Call it a hunch, but the Lions' passing game will simply be too much for the Rams to cope with. Bonus prediction: Another Johnson will pummel Cortland Innegan into subatomic particles. Pick: Lions

Atlanta Falcons at Kansas City Chiefs - Eric Winston makes his Chiefs debut. On a related note, the memorial service for future former Chiefs QB Matt Cassel will be held the Tuesday following the game. Pick: Falcons

Miami Dolphins at The Only Team That Really Matters (a/k/a Houston Texans) - Do I really have to explain this one? Fine. Courtesy of the Mothership, here's a quote from Wade (blessed be his name) about the changes he's making to the vanilla defense we saw during preseason:

"We’re going to put some chocolate and strawberries and everything on that vanilla – and you know I like that stuff," Phillips said on Thursday, smiling and patting his stomach. "We’ll give them some different looks now. They’ve seen some of the things we did last year, but we’ve got some new wrinkles for them."

That's right: Wade Phillips is going to eat Ryan Tannehill. Pick: Texans

4:25 p.m. EDT/1:25 PDT

San Francisco 49ers at Green Bay Packers - There's a very good chance we see this matchup again in the NFC Championship Game later this year. I think the Niners' defense stifles Rodgers and the Packers offense, ending their streak of season-opening wins at five. Pick: Niners

Carolina Panthers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Good grief, is Ronde Barber still playing football? What is he, 93? Okay, I'm exaggerating but I still don't like the Bucs in this game, even though I think Cam Newton is in for a sophomore slump this season. Pick: Panthers

Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals - Did Arizona ever figure out who they're starting at quarterback? I don't suppose it matters much since you could probably strain your pasta through their offensive line. I just hope Seattle's defense doesn't murder...I want to say John Skelton? Pick: Seahawks

8:20 p.m. EDT/5:20 PDT

Pittsburgh Stealers at Denver Broncos - Does anyone else find it a little spooky that Indianapolis drafted a quarterback from Stanford, and somehow Denver winds up with a future Hall of Fame QB, again? The Stealers defense is getting old and Peyton seems to be back to his old self (dammit). As for Roethlisweasel, well, there's plenty of time in the season to wish horrible things upon him and nobody but him. Pick: Broncos

Monday

7 p.m. EDT/4 p.m. PDT

Cincinnati Bengals at Baltimore Ravens - I imagine Joe Flacco throwing to Jacoby Jones, and for some reason I can't help grinning like an idiot. The Ravens are already without Terrell Suggs for the year (no, Terrell, you don't come back from Achilles tears that quickly, just ask DeMeco Ryans), and with an aging Ray Lewis and Ed Reed, I can see potential for an upset. So this will be my upset pick. ::snicker:: Flacco to Jacoby...sigh, it is to laugh. Pick: Bengals

10:15 p.m. EDT/7:15 p.m. PDT

San Diego Chargers at Oakland Raiders - As with every Raiders' home opener, the game will start with a traditional human sacrifice (preferably a fan from another team). The Raiders come in with a new regime and a collection of USC quarterbacks that would make even Pete Carroll envious. But despite this, San Diego should win this game. Bonus Prediction: After the Raiders lose, the ghost of Al Davis will cause the sky to rain blood. I don't know how, but he will. Pick: Chargers

Like these picks? Disagree with them? Tell us what you think in the comments!

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