Battle Red Onion: Kubiak Storms Out Of Press Conference

I know you are but what am I? I know you are but what am I? - Bob Levey

Proudly distributing sensationalized rubbish since 2010, the Battle Red Onion weighs in on Gary Kubiak press conferences.

In an unusual turn of events, Texans head coach Gary Kubiak got up and walked out in a huff on a packed media room midway through his weekly press conference.

"I've never seen anything like this out of him," said one press member who wished to remain anonymous.  "I could almost see the steam coming out of his ears, he was so ticked off."

Other media members echoed this sentiment as Kubiak has never shown reluctance in the past to face his critics in the press.

"I still can't believe what happened exactly, he just completely lost his cool there," said yet another unnamed source. When threatened with bodily harm if he didn't explain what happened, he continued, "It started out like any other press conference, you know? Kubiak went up to the podium, cameras clicked, the room fell silent. You know, normal stuff."

According to this source, Kubiak looked like he'd had a rough night as he went up to the podium. His exact words were, "If I didn't know better, I'd think he had thrown four interceptions for touchdowns."

The press conference had gone on as his normal press conferences usually proceeded. The media would ask a question and got a thoughtful response from the head coach; until he got to the third question.

As Kubiak was wrapping up his answer to whether he felt responsible for the interceptions, it became clear that Kubiak was not the only one answering the question. By the time he got to saying "everybody," someone in the throng of media replicated his answer as Kubiak said it.

"You could hear a pin drop afterward. I thought it was someone answering their phone, until the room went dead silent."

After a sufficiently long pause, Kubiak responded to the next question about whether Schaub's confidence had been shaken.  That same reporter began reciting Kubiak's answer as he was giving it.

"It was so weird, it was like this guy knew what Kubes was going to say before he even said it."

Kubiak then rushed through the answer, hoping to trip up the reporter into making a mistake.

No mistake came.

Instead it only got worse from there. At the start of his next response, even more reporters were copying Kubiak. The number grew and grew until you would think the Mormon Tabernacle Choir had been standing behind Kubiak echoing his responses.

Kubiak then stopped short.

"That's when it got ridiculous," said the reporter.

Kubiak went on to say, "Rubber baby buggy bumpers rubber baby buggy bumpers," without making a single mistake. Unfortunately neither did the crowd of reporters who had mostly joined in copycatting him. Nothing tripped them up. He went to old stalwarts like "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers," and "She sells seashells down by the seashore," and obscure ones like "Sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick."

"He got really mad after that, now that everybody was getting into the act, and just shouted, 'Now cut that out!' " Everybody copied that too. 'Stop! This isn't funny! I'm getting really sick of this act!' He finally had enough and just walked out of the room. It was like his answers had been long foretold or something."

One writer was particularly surprised by Kubiak's hasty reaction to the media onslaught. "I think it was an immature act and Texans fans deserve better," said Texans beat writer John McClain, who had not participated, seeing as he was in the middle of a nap for the duration. "It's pathetic to see a grown man stomp off like a five year old. That's the kind of thing I would expect from a punk, a jerk, and a loser."

Kubiak has not spoken in public since this incident. And from what we're learning, it may be a while until he does. The Texans issued a press release stating that Gary Kubiak will no longer be speaking to the press during press conferences. The statement read:

Head Coach Gary Kubiak will no longer be speaking to the press. He has decided to go into Operation Lockdown until the media decides to play nice and not be a bunch of doodyheads.

When asked for a comment, a Texans PR aide stated that Kubiak had originally wanted to call it "Operation Shutdown" but was advised against it as it would set the City of Houston laughing hysterically.

Whether Kubiak will adhere to his "Operation Lockdown" policy after this week's game against the Rams remains uncertain. But there has been speculation that Kubiak might address the media using only semaphore flags to communicate to the press.

"We deserve better than that," stated McClain before resuming his nap.

Rams vs Texans coverage

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