If Dr. Seuss were a Texans' Fan: "The Coach Kubiak"

In comments regarding the news that Case Keenum will start Sunday versus the Chiefs, there was much reference to "1" and "2", the Texans' former starter and his backup, and I thought, "Where have I heard that before?" Be amused!


thing 1 & thing 2 cookie (via nikkicookiebaker)

Given what Texans' fans have been through this season, this seems appropriate. Special thanks to Dr. Seuss for writing something people should be familiar enough with for me to parody--maybe he and Bum can share a chuckle over this. (R.I.P. Bum.) All characters are fictitious or are used fictitiously; any resemblance to actual people is coincidental, and likely their own fault. Oh, and "Papa" would be my Old Man--as his grandkids well know--needed the two syllables. So, I present to Texans fans...

"The Coach Kubiak!"

The sun did not shine. /Our team could not play.
So we sat in the house /In sharp dread of Sunday.
I sat there with Papa. /We sat there we two.
And I said, "How I wish /There was something to do!"
Too bad to win games /As they tried to play ball,
The Texans had trouble /And did nothing at all.
So all we could do was to
And we did not like it. /All the fans' common tripe.
And then
Something went BUMP!
Oh! Poor Schaub took a thump!
We looked!
Then we saw him, /Having lost poor old Matt.
We looked!
And we saw him! /The Coach Kubiak!
And he said to us, /"Why do you sit there like that?
They say I've coached bad /And the team has played crummy,
But we can have /Lots of good fun that is funny!
I know we can play some good games," /Said Kubiak.
"I know some new tricks," /Said the Coach Kubiak.
"A lot of good tricks. /I will show them to you.
Bob McNair /Will not mind at all if I do."

But Papa and I /Recalled all the bad play
Where we saw those two Things /Give the games quite away.
Pick-six! Pick-six! /And a ruined Sunday.
Thing Two and Thing One! /They geared-up, but played down!
With mounting losses /They brought shame to H-Town!
H-Town with great hopes /For Steel Blue, Battle Red
And SuperBowl prospects /Turned to daydreams instead!
When those Things played the games /There were stuffs, sacks, and picks
With poor throws and misreads /And all kinds of bad tricks.
And I said, /"I do NOT like the way that they play!
If Coach Kubes can see this, /Why play them Sunday?"
"Have no fear, little fans," /Said the Coach Kubiak.
"These Things are good Things." /And he gave them a pat.
"They are tame. Oh, so tame! /They will stay here to play.
They will give you some fun /Any given Sunday.
But Papa and I /Well, we knew what to do,
So we both washed our hands /Of Thing One and Thing Two.
We washed off our hands /And we agreed, "No! No!
These Things should not be /On this team! Make them go!
They should not be here /To make Bob McNair pout!
Cut them now! Cut them now! /We both said with a shout.

The Coach plays it safe, /There's no doubt of that,
But McNair was impatient /With the Coach Kubiak:
"See, fast as you can /There is one thing to do!
You will have to bench both /That Thing One and Thing Two!
These Things do not play well, /They don't even have fun.
So onto the bench /With Thing Two and Thing One!"
Both Things looked quite shocked /And said, "What did we do?
We played our hearts out," /Moped Thing One and Thing Two.
"Oh dear!" said Kubiak. /"You did not like their game...
Oh dear.
________What a shame!
_____________________What a shame!
__________________________________What a shame!"
McNair's foot came down, /With Coach fearful to chop.
And he said it! At last! /Those two Things had to stop.
McNair said to the Coach, /"Now you do as I say.
You bench those two Things /They will SIT come Sunday!"
Then Papa and I /Did not know what to say,
But were happy to see /Bob was sick with poor play.
And at Bob McNair's glare /Coach fell back in line:
"You must not worry, /The team will be fine.
I will change up my game. /You will see something new.
Two things.
No play for either /Thing One or Thing Two."
So as fast as he could /Kubes hedged his last bet.
And he said, "With this bet /I can save my job yet.
I bet, with this pet, /I can bench those Things yet!
Now here's a player you'll like, /As a matter of fact.
His name's Case Keenum," /Said the Coach Kubiak.
"No! Not on this team!" /Yells some nay-saying fan.
"He cannot play ball!" /(Though he WILL, if he can!)
"Oh, the picks he will throw! /Oh, the targets he'll miss!
Oh, I do not like it! /I'll spit and I'll hiss!"

But reasonable fans /Will just wait and see
If Keenum's got game /Or is just a Thing Three.
They'll look at the game /And hope for the best,
And keep the bleach handy /To assuage the distress.
They'll cut Coach some slack /With his brand-new QB
And wait a few weeks /To think differently.
And in the slim likelihood /Things start to go well
Remember the Coach /You've been giving such hell.
If Keenum should prove /To play decent football,
Then blame not the Coach /For the Texans downfall.
Should it be the case /That the problem's been Matt,
And Coach's gray hairs /Come from masking that,
Then Papa and I /Will serve up the crow--
I'm giving you warning, /Just so you know.
If the Texans play well... /Well, then that is that.
Congratulate Coach /With a tip of the Hat!

The End.

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