Hair of the Dog: Now Pick-Six Free (Texans @ Chiefs)

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

The third-string quarterback is starting. The star running back and star linebacker are hurt with Cushing now out for the year. This storybook season brought to you by Stephen King.

Throughout my childhood and early adult years, I often tried to imagine what the future would hold. At one point in time, I was certain that I would become the starting shortstop for the Astros. At another point, I was going to revolutionize the music scene with my own unique brand of jazz-metal fusion. Never in my past did I envision that at this point in life my days would best be represented as a scene from Office Space, only with more cursing.

Heck, before the season started, I looked at the Texans' schedule and figured that this weekend would be an easy win against the traditionally hapless Chiefs.

Predicting things is hard.

Now I sit here waiting for the game to start and trying to talk myself into the Case Keenum era. Fortunately, we've been living in the homebrew era for quite some time, so at least I have that going for me...which is nice.

Pregame:

Rivers:

I think we've gotta mortgage our future and trade for Josh McCown. If the Bears will give him up

TDC:

I hope this is quick and painless.

UT:

I'm betting it's neither.

First Quarter:

Mbw

They completed a 3rd and 10?!?

TDC:

Just heard Foster went to the locker room. Welp...that's a backbreaking loss.

TDC:

Was that....Quintin Demps?!

TDC:

I miss the pass rush Wade used to generate.

UT:

I'm totally surprised Jackson didn't get called for helmet to helmet there.

Rivers:

Kareem should probably stop leading with his helmet

UT:

Kareem should probably stop leading with his helmet

Mbw:

IDK what Swearinger was doing on that pass to the TE. He just watched as the TE stood wide open on the two yard line.

I'd rather have Keo in than Reed at this point.

TDC:

DeVry Posey?!

UT:

Somewhere in Arkansas, Matt is pissed off and has no idea why.

Second Quarter:

UT (after Keenum TD pass to 'Nuk):

Holy tapdancing kitten, what did Keenum just do there?

TDC:

Why aren't they tanking for Teddy?

UT:

Day ain't over yet.

Rivers:

Kitten Matt Schaub. There. I said it.

BFD (after Keshawn Martin's horrible punt return):

Keshawn Martin is NOT an NFL player.

TDC:

Keshawn Martin sure looks like he has been coached well.

BFD:

Catching the ball running backward at the 3 yard line? Trying to reverse course when he doesn't have the speed? #MarcianoRules

UT:

That's okay because KEENUM!

TDC:

Greg Jones hand offs...just like I thought the 2013 season would go.

UT:

o/~ Then I saw Case, now I'm a believer. Just a trace...of doubt in my mind. Better than nothin'. o/~

BFD:

Case is able to take advantage of the Chiefs stacking the box, looks Schaub normally never gets. BUT, Case is getting rid of the damn ball too, something Schaub has had a hard time doing.

BFD:

Seems that Lechler is Marciano-proof.

TDC:

Jamaal Charles makes this defense look foolish.

TDC:

Donnie Avery stiff-armed Brice McCain straight to hell there. BRUTAL half/game/season for Brice.

Mbw:

The red zone defense is about to strike again.

UT (after Smith's rushing TD):

Un-kittening-touched. Again.

What the hell.

Mbw:

I think that's 15 TDs.  Only 3 Fgs in the redz one and the opponent has never not scored once they get to Houston's 20 yard line.

TDC:

The defense sucks. This team was overrated.

Rivers:

Ed Reed: worst signing in Texans history.

He's turning SHILOH KEO INTO A SYMPATHETIC FUCKING FIGURE.

UT:

But he's a FUTURE HALL OF FAMER!!!!

He has to be good!!!

UT:

So here's a semi-serious question: If it were a healthy Matt Schaub under center, do you think Kubiak calls the hail mary in that situation?

TDC:

No.

Third Quarter:

UT:

So no Keenum, and now Tate's injured. Welcome to the big time, Greg Jones. May God help us all.

TDC:

So this is when the tank job begins...with no running back?

Mbw:

Ain't no party like an empty backfield party.

TDC:

Hate the FG call. Hatehatehate.

UT:

But really, did you expect anything less from Kubiak?

Mbw:

I do too, but with no running backs what can you do?

Mbw (after Swearinger's "elbow" to the head):

He slid into him...

TDC (after Cushing's injury):

Done. Completely done.

UT:

Defense was bad before. If Cushing has any kind of serious injury...that's it.

Mbw:

Man I hope he's alright alright.

BFD:

Twitter is blowing up, but that looked like a clean block by Charles to me. These sorts of blocks happen multiple times every game.

Mbw:

Yeah it was fine block.  He did what he was supposed to do, just bad luck.

Houston fans can't complain about cut blocks since the backside of the o-line does it on nearly every run play.

TDC:

EARL MITCHELL SACK

UT:

Am I the only one who, when the other team has it on 3rd and 47, fully expects them to get a first down somehow?

Fourth Quarter:

Mbw (after 4th down stand):

First time a team hasn't scored in the redzone against Houston all year.

UT:

Wow. No words for what Keenum just did.

Just...wow.

Mbw:

When Shiloh Keo is better than you you should retire.

UT:

Blitz coming. I smell it a mile away.

Rivers:

Kitten Ed Reed.

Mbw:

But he's supposed to help HOU beat DEN and NE in the playoffs.

UT:

So...does Keenum have a miracle to pull out of his ass?

UT:

And the answer to that is a huge, resounding "no."

Thanks for nothing offensive line.

BFD:

Pfft. Schaub can do that.

Mbw:

Derek Muthakitten Newton

Rivers:

That wasn't Newton's fault. Keenum's gotta have that ball out quicker.

P.S. Kitten Ed Reed.

TDC:

Keenum definitely held the ball too long.

Also, screw all this "He's the QB of the Future" talk. One game people....why can't we be reasonable about this and see if he even gets a second start.

BFD:

There's no reason to NOT start Keenum the rest of the year. Durga knows this team ain't goin' anywhere this year, but it's not even remotely like Tom Brady Pipping Drew Bledsoe as I saw some people claiming on teh Twitter.

Teh Twitter was full of stupid today.

BFD:

Jay Glazer @JayGlazer

Just got a text from Brian Cushing. Tough man! Broke his leg & tore his LCL, out for year. Says he will kill his rehab & come back stronger

Rivers:

Bob McNair said he can't imagine how any coaching staff could get their team to play harder than the Texans did.

SIIIIIIIIIIGHHHHHH

And just like that, this went from a season that was below expectations to a season that was below expectations and decimated by injury. The Brian Cushing news greatly overshadows a solid debut by Case Keenum. We all remember how badly the defense fell off last year after Cushing got hurt.  If you don't, you're about to be reminded.

The silver lining here is that Keenum played well and displayed a better pocket presence than Matt Schaub (though that's one of those "most sober guy in Ireland" type of deals). He showed a good awareness and surprisingly good decision making, though still had a few moments where his inexperience showed -- especially when the pressure was kicked up.

I watched the game on delay as I had a family commitment, which is why I didn't participate in the discussion, but I agree with the other writers in this regard: I don't think that Keenum is the long term answer at quarterback for this team, but I know that Schaub isn't. The injuries sustained in this game confirm that the season is pretty much a lost cause, so we might as well start Case again to see what happens.

If now-me could go back in time and tell preseason-me that I just wrote that, preseason-me would probably beat the kitten out of now-me.

Game balls:

Offense: Case Keenum. He exceeded my expectations (not hard) in a very hostile environment, and played himself into position where he deserves another start. Though whether or not he gets one probably depends on how delusional Kubiak really is.

Defense: Brian Cushing. J.J. Watt played the best game on defense, but you had to really feel for Cushing as he sat on that cart. You could pretty much tell by the look on his face that he knew he was done. Since this is a made up award with no impact on anything, I'm giving it to Cushing.

Special Teams: Shane Lechler. Lechler's been great, but I'm so upset that I'm giving this to the punter again.

Texans vs Chiefs coverage

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