Hair of the Dog: Wash, Rinse, Repeat

Jennifer Hilderbrand-USA TODAY S

The Texans treated their fans to another entertaining loss yesterday. The BRB crew is starting to run out of ways to describe the recurring carnage, but we give it our best shot in another Hair of the Dog.

This morning, Arian Foster took the Texans' hopes for the season with him to the IR. Unfortunately, once again, Texans fans are left looking forward to the draft and hoping that next year will finally be THE year. Without question, it's disappointing to be in this position again, but we should be a little bit comforted by the fact that there is already a lot of talent on this team. Foster and Brian Cushing will be healthy, Andre Johnson and J.J. Watt will still be here, and Joe Marciano will still be coaching.

Oh. Right. Maybe 2015 will be the year.

Pregame

Corzo:

I'll be ignoring customers in order to catch a glimpse of Keenum today. Colts and Titans lost today. Is there still hope?

BFD:

No.

Mbw:

Last week was the last mound of dirt. The rest of the season is officially Case Keenum job interview time.

Vega:

If we lose today, we're only one game up on the Jags.

First Quarter:

Vega (after Keenum's fumble TD):

That was quick.

Corzo:

LMAO Newton gives up the strip sack. Touchdown Cardinals.

Gonna go get ready for work now.

UT:

First play on offense. Awesome.

They're just going the blitz the kitten out of him today, aren't they?

Mbw:

I'll be missing the first quarter thinks to the Ravens getting #Quinned

UT:

I wouldn't exactly call it "missing" the game at this point.

BFD (after the Keenum to Johnson TD):

GOAT <-- Andre Johnson.

Vega:

If Matt Schaub's tires are slashed this week, I think it's Andre. My goodness what a TD.

UT:

Touchdown by Andre's toe. Wow. Love his footwork.

Brett:

Good throw by Keenum. Better catch by Andre.

Brett:

Fantastic play by J-Jo there. He's regressed a bit since a couple years ago, but he's still a good corner

Mbw:

I agree, but he still got his tits lit last week.

Rivers:

Nope. Lotta underneath receptions allowed because coverages dictated it, then the big play to Hilton that was Brice McCain's fault.

UT:

Starting at the one. And somehow that's STILL better than anything Keshawn Martin would have accomplished.

Mbw:

Don't talk to Marciano Wade, don't let his evil infect you.

Second Quarter

Mbw:

Where's the pass rush?!?!

UT:

Where's the what?

Rivers:

Whitney Mercilus has been on a milk carton all season. Reed has never been good as a rusher.

Mbw:

Reed doesn't have the speed on the outside, but he sets the edge and sheds blocks well.

He needs to be moved to ILB already.

Brett:

Brooks Reed is playing himself into an inside linebacker role. He is incapable of bringing any heat on the edge when they go into a four down look.

Rivers:

Wow. Brandon Harris is on this team?

BFD:

Going after Brandon Harris instead of Brice McCain, so that's a nice change.

UT:

J-Jo coming off the field. Oh good. More injuries.

Mbw:

Joseph and Jackson are both on the sideline

The fun never stops.

BFD:

Either Fitzgerald or Floyd are getting ready to blow up. Awesome. #LongLiveJoseph

Brett:

Both starting outside corners are not on the field right now. Against Larry Fitzgerald. This might not be fun.

BFD:

Harris on Fitz with Keo up top. /weeps

Vega:

So of course, they throw the TE screen for the TD.

Brett:

And yet a TE screen is what ends up scoring? Really? I mean come on...

UT:

That's okay. Keenum will save us.

I wonder if they serve booze by the bucket here.

Captain Ron:

K-Jax and J-Jo missing in action = pointing the cannons at the deck of the ship and emptying the ammo magazines.

UT:

So, what's worse than Brice McCain playing at nickel? Answer: Brice McCain starting. There goes Jackson to the locker room.

Brett:

Ben Tate is clearly in a lot of pain. I sincerely hope the Browns give him a gigantic contract. He's earned it.

BFD:

Brandon Harris on the other side with Keo and/or Swearinger high. Elbert Mack is your nickle, though he DOES have two career TDs. #graspingatstraws

Brett:

This is about to be an old school Texans football game. Fuck defense, just put as many points on the board as possible.

Brett (after Swearinger's pick):

#SWEARINGERMAN

BFD:

Tate definitely running hurt. Damn tough performance for him. #respect

UT:

SWEARINGER PICK!!

I'd forgotten what a Texans interception looked like.

Rivers:

Case Keenum is actually good at football. This is happening.

Brett:

Calais Campbell is also pretty good too. God he is scary.

UT:

I didn't imagine that, right? The ball actually went through the uprights? When Bullock kicked it? An actual field goal?

Mbw:

Keenum leaves the pocket waaaaaaaaay to early at times.

Rivers:

Counterpoints: he can do well on the run, he plays behind Wade Smith, Derek Newton, Ryan Harris, and Brandon Brooks

Brett:

Counter-counter point: Kitten it throw it to Andre.

BFD:

Jeff Tarpinian.

No point. I've just never typed those words before.

Rivers:

What is a Tarpinian?

Brett:

Despite no sacks, Carson Palmer has been getting crushed in this quarter. Absolutely crushed.

Captain Ron:

With Hologram in the game, why would Keenum even think of being in the pocket?

Brett:

Wow that was a nicely aimed punt. Time for a safety.

Captain Ron:

Sharpton and Ed Reed combine to stop the Cardinals drive! Now let's see if they are both injury free enough to get back on the field.

Brett:

Keenum was staring that down. Lucky that Dansby dropped it.

Mbw:

If Schaub threw that it would have been a pick 6.

Rivers:

Schaub: "ARE YOU KITTENING SERIOUS?"

UT:

I love the fact that Keenum seems to be spreading the ball around. It always felt to me like Schaub had Andre tunnel vision.

Vega:

Does anyone else hold their breath when we kick to Peterson?

BFD:

I can't believe we did. So kittening stupid.

BFD:

Brandon Harris with good coverage?? OK, I'll take it.

Brett (after Watt's sack, fumble, recovery):

JJ Watt is my personal Jesus.

Vega:

He makes at least one play per quarter that makes me giggle

UT:

I love you J.J. Watt.

Rivers:

WHY IS LESTAR JEAN ON THE KITTENING FIELD HE IS KITTEN AND WILL ALWAYS BE KITTEN

Brett:

BECAUSE PRESEASON, RIVERS. DUH.

UT:

Because he shows potential in meaningless football time...or something.

UT:

Why? WHY WOULD YOU RUN IT ON THIRD AND KITTENING LONG?

Captain Ron:

Clearly the third and long play caller all this time has been Dennison. Even Kubes is probably at home scratching his head thinking; "but we have Keenum now!"

UT (after the blocked kick):

There's another game ball for Joe Marciano.

Brett:

Randy Bullock has to be getting close to the all time worst kicking percentage in a kicker's first 10 games right?

Halftime

BFD:

Well, here comes the big question on Case. Can he lead the team to points in the second half? He's struggled so far because, I believe, teams are adjusting to him.

This is gonna be really interesting.

Third Quarter:

UT:

I shouldn't be worried Keenum was on an exercise bike as they were about to kickoff right?

Brett:

Keep eating, DJ. Keep eating.

BFD:

No. Normal for guys to stay loose on the sideline.

Now McCain hurts us on STs. Give Marciano another game ball.

BFD:

Swearinger has been improving all year, but he's making a statement today. Holy cow.

Brett:

I love how animated DJ is on the field. He's got great energy.

Captain Ron:

Texans I would like to strap underneath a raft and send over a thousand foot waterfall include: Marciano, McCain, Newton and Bullock

UT:

Can we add Rick Dennison to that list?

Rivers:

Dennis Johnson suuuuuuucks.

UT:

So BFD, to answer your question about Keenum getting points in the second half, it looks like the answer is a huge resounding "no."

Vega:

Not if they can't give him more than a second to run a play.

BFD:

It's not ALL his fault. Where the offensive line is leaky, it gushes (ewww). And Case isn't able to get the ball down field today, something it specifically looks like the Cards planned on.

Rivers:

This is against FO's no. 1 defense on the season, for reference.

Captain Ron:

The Texans' theme is playing....the other team's halftime adjustments > Texans halftime adjustments

Mbw:

McCain should never play another snap as the nickel corner ever again.

Fourth Quarter

Rivers:

Oh c'mon, he was really good a year-and-a-half ago!

/Marciano'd

Brett:

Does Case Keenum ever not stare down his receivers? I swear he's the luckiest human alive.

Vega:

Playing behind that offensive line, I don't know that "lucky" is the word I would use.

UT:

He's lucky in the sense that he's not dead due to playing behind that offensive line.

Mbw:

There were 3 guys making sure Dre didn't beat them deep on that last 2nd down.

BFD:

Housler should charge Mercilus a fee for that ride.

Vega (after the Cardinals' TD):

Wow, McCain. That was impressively bad.

Captain Ron:

McCain burned for a TD, and no points in the second half for the Texans. "Groundhog Day" anyone?

UT:

Sweet Jesus I hate Brice McCain.

Mbw:

This is the worst year ever

UT:

I would bring up the 2006 year, but I'd be hard pressed to make a convincing argument that 2006 was worse.

BFD:

Much different expectations in 2006.

BFD:

The offensive line is proving Schaub's downfall is PTSD related.

Captain Ron:

Lechler should be the MVP of this miserable season.

Mbw:

Shane Lechler is the first punter to ever get me aroused.

I'm looking forward to watch the behind view to see why the pass protection has been so shitty. The Texans are awful against the big blitz.

UT:

I'd agree, except somehow I suspect that would somehow lead to a contract extension for Joe Marciano.

Personally, I'd go with Glenlivet as the MVP this season

Rivers (after Watt's fumble recovery):

JJ was not amused by this post.

BFD:

Andre Johnson. My goodness.

Vega:

Why did we wait this many years to start throwing Andre fades?

UT:

Andre really does his best work in Arizona.

I don't dare get my hopes up for a comeback.

Rivers:

Andre Johnson has a thing about the Cardinals.

Rivers:

Hmm. A three point game. You guys know any places in this game we could have had three points, but didn't?

UT:

Yeah, but field goals aren't that big a deal in a football game.

::headdesk::

Mbw:

Randy Bullock miss for the loss. It's a beautiful team to tank for a high pick. Play entertaining games and blow it at the end.

BFD:

McCain strikes again on the Eliington 3rd & 2.

Brett:

I really like that Keenum actually throws to Andre in the red zone

UT:

Keenum...it's all up to you now. I just wanted to say good luck, we're all counting on you.

BFD:

Whenever I say that to people, they always look so perplexed.

BFD:

Case Keenum's idol: Rex Grossman.

Vega:

Yeah... he's got to realize that when you're down late, you shouldn't air it out on third and three.

Brett:

At least when we lose with Keenum it's not as embarrassing.

BFD:

Really poor decision making just chucking the ball down field like he was. A couple of those were utterly uncatchable.

And there's another loss.

My wife asked me why I'm not more upset. I told here that at some point you gain an acceptance of what's happening and just hope for a pleasant surprise. Alas, today there was no pleasant surprise.

Game Balls:

Offense: Andre Johnson. Those two touchdowns that he caught were simply things of beauty. Both of them should be captured and put in the Museum of Modern Art. Actually, scratch that... I hate modern art. Put them in the Smithsonian.

Defense: D.J. Swearinger. Swearinger was all over the place today. He was making plays on the ball, getting after ball carriers and bringing an overall energy to the defense. I just hope he doesn't go all Bill Gramatica on one of those celebrations.

Special Teams: Shane Lechler. Because everyone else sucks.

Texans vs Cardinals coverage

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