Hair of the Dog: We Suck Again!!!

Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

Unofficially, I have never put more "kittens" in a HotD post than I did today. Check out what the BRB staff had to say during the Texans' loss to the Raiders.

Here's a list of the NFL teams with a longer active losing streak than the Texans:

Damn.

Here's a list of the NFL teams with a longer losing streak this season than the Texans: Jacksonville, Tampa Bay.

Well, at least there's something.

If the Texans lose today, here's a list of the NFL teams with a longer losing streak this season:

Crap, that's depressingly similar to that first list.

In case you're still recovering from the effects of the season and are struggling to follow along, if the Texans lose today, they will match the longest losing streaks in the NFL this season. Considering that the two victories this season came from two unlikely comeback wins, it's a little sobering to think of what could have been.

I hate sobering.

So, today the Texans are given a chance. They're facing a struggling Raiders team missing their top two offensive weapons. The Texans clearly have issues of their own and no game is a gimme this season, but this is as good a chance as they're going to have. Here's hoping the boys in blue can pull one out and the BRB crew can finally enjoy themselves at the end of one of these threads.

Pregame:

tGC:

If we can't beat the Raiders ... ugh

UT:

I was depressed when I heard on the radio that the Raiders had a better record than the Texans. I mean I should know that, but still my first reaction was "wait, wha??"

Captain Ron:

I hope Shane Lechler has a great day against his former team. How bad is this season that I’m excited about our Punter before the game?

First Quarter:

Mbw:

Yay finally the Texans have created a seam in the run game.

Corzo:

Oh, dear. Garrett Graham was down right?!

Vega:

Kittendammit that was a fumble

UT:

Si-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-igh...

Mbw:

This kitten just keeps running down the leg this season.

If we lose to kittening Matt McGloin.

Captain Ron:

This is why the defense continues to lead the league in yards allowed; the other team starts their drive on your 20!

Mbw:

Reason # 1,234,897 why yards aren't a good indicator of how a team plays.

UT:

If we can hold them to three, I'll be happy. Considering Janikowski's range, that means keeping them at their own 40 yard line would be a maybe for him.

Captain Ron:

The power of "foreshadowing!" That Schaub interception as the first play of the season has entrenched itself all year.

Corzo:

Even the Raiders run the rub routes.

Mbw:

Tarpinian sounds like a planet that will be in the next Star Wars movie.

UT:

Four turnovers on opening possession for the Texans this year and now five touchdowns on the opening possession for the Raiders.

It's like kittening fate or something.

Mbw:

We are at 119 points this season where the opponent has scored because of a penalty, turnover, or a play where the opponent's offense wasn't on the field.

Did I mention how kitteny this season has been?

Mbw:

Duane Brown has been very slow in screens this season.

Mbw:

Now Ben Tate is hurt.

Rivers:

How giddy do you think other offensive coordinators get when Brice McCain is on the field? I think covering the mouth isn't about concealing lip reading, but laughter.

UT:

When I found out that McCain would be started, I pulled a Rodney Dangerfield from "Back To School" when I entered the bar today:

"Bring me us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out; then bring one out every ten minutes."

Mbw:

Hahaha both of those are gold.

I'm going to just start calling McCain KittenKitten from now on.

Captain Ron:

Tarpinian's idea of coverage resembles a G-string bikini. Might have to nickname him "Rio"

Rivers:

Nice contain there by Jared Crick.

Of his own legs, I mean.

Captain Ron:

Our first Marciano penalty of the game (holding on punt return). We made it 11 minutes this time!

Mbw (after Keenum pick):

Interior pressure is killer.

Vega (after Raiders' second TD):

We just got taunted by the Raiders. That shouldn't be a penalty. We deserve it.

UT:

You know what? I ain't even mad about that interception. I am not even mad...and that scares me.

Mbw:

Make it 126 points now Houston has given away.

God that Red Zone Defense is kittening horrible.

Mbw:

KittenKitten did it again.

Brett:

I'm not sure how much Keenum can be failed for that one considering his arm got hit. Also Brice McCain sucks.

Captain Ron:

Another Touchdown against Brice McCain! /drops microphone and stumbles into the crowd...

Rivers:

Oh hey it's Brice McCain.

Taunting Brice McCain should be fucking encouraged.

UT:

I wonder how KittenKitten is going to look in the HotD thread. "KittenKitten?"

Author's Note: Yes

Captain Ron:

They should invite a random drunk from the field level seats at Reliant to replace McCain for a series. The results couldn't be any worse.

BFD:

If there is a worse NFL player than Brice McCain, I don't know who it is.

Mbw:

Ed Reed?

UT:

Keshawn Martin?

Rivers:

Keshawn Martin.


Derek Newton.

Mbw:

Randy Bullock?

Brett:

I just want to point out that we are approaching the "getting blown out by the raiders" territory.

Rivers:

I know the Texans will come back and make this a game, because getting blown out by the Raiders might lead to firings, and we can't have that.

Second Quarter

Corzo:

Brice McCain on the fucking hold on special teams now. GOOD LORD. Catapult this dude into the Pacific Ocean.

Captain Ron:

Another holding call on punt return. Consistent at something!

UT:

Hey, I don't want that kind of shit in the ocean I live near.

Toss him into the Arctic.

Corzo (after Texans TD):

Holy shit, Keenum. Just enough mobility, Improvisation and balls of steel

tGC:

We're tanking, right?

Brett:

Holy kitten that was an awesome play by Keenum. Graham was wide open

Mbw:

He always has his eyes down field

He laughs in the face of danger. Yes that is a Lion King Reference

UT:

I'm not arguing with the result nor am I saying he shouldn't have done it, but Case Keenum had no business pulling off that touchdown pass.

Corzo:

He had to hit the brakes after outrunning the defender, set his feet and sling it deep.

Captain Ron:

Case is damn fun to watch. He's like Capt Kirk out there, flying by the seat of his pants and not believing in "no win scenarios."

UT:

A bit of good news, McCain on the sideline, Brandon Harris is playing now.

UT:

Wait, there he is. Dammit.

Mbw:

This is a fun battle of the 3rd string QBs game.

Corzo:

Damn Rick Dennison showing some fire on the sideline. That was nice to see.

UT:

I'm about ready to laugh watching Rick Dennison trying to rally the troops. On a related note, I think that's the first time I've ever actually seen him on television.

Captain Ron:

Dennison tearing ass on the sidelines after the OL had two false starts...at home. Newton and Meyers were guilty. How does the center false start?!!!!

UT:

The Texans found a way. It's an innovative offense in that respect.

UT:

Keshawn Martin returned it for a TD?? And no flags?! WHAT THE KITTEN IS THIS KITTEN?!

Rivers:

EXTEND MARCIANO

Captain Ron:

Martin returns punt for a TD. Marciano must have been in the locker room taking a dump. Somebody go weld that door shut!

Corzo:

An 85-yard touchdown on a punt return. Say whaaaaaaaa?

Similar to DeSean Jackson's game-winning punt return TD against the Giants a few years ago. He bobbled it, picked it up and made some moves.

Mbw:

I hope that was a hyperbole Corzo.

Keshawn has been awful at kicks, but going back to last year he isn't bad at returning punts.

Rivers:

Seriously though, Brooks stinks out loud.

Captain Ron:

JJ Watt sighting. Sack!

Corzo:

Darryl Sharpton with two good plays in a row. Tight man coverage and then a run stop to force a punt

Corzo:

Ben Tate is obviously in pain after every run, but still very effective.

Brett:

Tate has earned mountains of respect from me this season. That man is a warrior.

Mbw:

That's Randy's 1st 50 yard field goal this year.

Rivers:

Are you kittening kittening me. NOW you hit one?

UT:

He...he made the kick? The kitten?

Brett:

And he barely got it too...

Corzo:

That would've been good from 60... the dude just has no accuracy.

Captain Ron:

51 yard FG is good by "Beer Can". #MarGameBall

Mbw:

They could do the Jerry Jones and use 2 kickers, one for kickoffs and one for FGs

Halftime:

UT (apparently at some retro bar that still uses a jukebox):

It seems fitting to point out that the jukebox here just started playing "What's Going On?"

Rivers:

I would've gone with "Flagpole Sitta," myself.

UT:

That was on pre-game.

And now it's some horrible song by Jewel. Whoever programmed this jukebox needs to be shot.

Bayless:

We need more Joan Jett.

Third Quarter

Captain Ron:

Halftime adjustments for the Raiders likely included telling their offense not to injure Brice McCain so he stays on the field more.

BFD:

Joe Mar is going to get game balls for the rest of the year because of a 50 yard field goal and punt return for a TD...ALL IN THE SAME GAME. #LifetimeExtension

#KittenUp4FlavoroftheDayQBProspect

Rivers:

Mercilus SUCKS

UT:

So was last half the kitteny half or is this going to be the kitteny half? Or are the Texans going to do something different and take their kitteny half out of the first and fourth quarters of the game?

BFD:

It appears Brandon Harris has caught a case of Jacques Reeves' Neck Syndrome.

Corzo:

Can't turn your neck when you're getting burned down the sideline.

Mbw:

KittenKitten got beat by Reese on that 3rd down.

Captain Ron:

3rd and 9 for the Raiders? Throw on McCain for an auto-first down of course.

BFD:

At least Brice McCain doesn't smoke pot. #Accountability

Rivers:

The correct answer for who should start between McCain and Harris is No.

Rivers:

Daryl Sharpton is another huge disappointment.

UT:

Please, God, don't let J.J. be hurt. That would pretty much break the back of the defense there.

Mbw:

Shiloh Keo getting worked now too.

Matt McGloin- everytime you think this season can't get worse it does.

BFD:

There was so much kittenry on the Rivera TD pass. Sharpton couldn't cover a statue, and Swearinger breaks the wrong way on the pass. Oh, and a clean pocket because of no pressure. Awesome. Just kittening awesome.

Mbw:

Watt is the only one who can get a pass rush also. The entire defense is a group of slapdicks except for Watt.

Mbw:

That drive the trifecta from hell occurred.

Brandon Harris gets burnt,

Brice McCain gets beat

Keo and DJ get beat

Rivers:

Not slapkittens in my book:

A. Smith
Jackson
Joseph


Maybe not a slapkitten:
Swearinger

Mbw:

The emotion from this kittenshow is clouding my judgement.

Mbw:

Garret Graham is a terrible blocker in the run game or in the pass game.

He can catch though

Mbw:

Brandon Harris with a nice mixture of Brice McCain and Kareem Jackson.

BFD:

Is Watt really hurt???

Mbw:

Tate and Watt are chilling in the locker room now.

UT:

He went sprinting into the locker room. No official word on what's wrong yet though. I'm keeping an eye on Twitter, if/when I hear something, I'll let you know.

UT:

Watt's back on the sidelines, has his helmet on. Still no word what happened but there's a chance he might make it back.

UT:

Holy kitten, Janikowski missed.

UT:

Now I know the jukebox is kittening with me. The song that just came on: Bulls on Parade.

Mbw:

On the same day Bullock made one.

Mbw:

Of course they don't blitz when Houston runs a screen.

Rivers:

Have we thrown one effective screen this year?

UT (after Jennings TD):

Raise your hand if you didn't see that coming.

Rivers:

Fire everybody.

Corzo:

Swearinger got trucked.

Corzo:

Swearinger got trucked.

BFD:

Swearinger returns to pre-season tackling form, doesn't wrap on the Jennings TD.

UT:

OH GOD, THEY'RE SENDING IN SCHAUB!!

Mbw:

Please dear lord let Schaub throw a pick 6.

Captain Ron:

Schaub is in? We ARE in overt tank mode.

BFD:

Schaub is back on the field??? This is a team clearly without a kittening plan.

BFD:

Schaub's like, "Oh, Case is successful because he just chucks the ball at AJ. I can do that."

Rivers:

TURN THE CONSOLE OFF RIGHT NOW

UT:

Nothing works. Not even Lechler pinning them. Two touchbacks for Shane.

Rivers:

The best unit today has been Joe Marciano's. I think that says it all.

Fourth Quarter

Mbw:

Everytime I see that Trace Adkins Asco commercial I feel like he is going to climb out of the TV The Ring style and bang my mom.

BFD:

Is she hot?

BFD:

Texansaccountability_medium

UT:

Sigh...trying to figure out this game, hell this season is like trying to untangle Nintendo wires.

BFD:

15-yard penalty on Braman right there. What a kitten-up.

UT:

15-yard penalty on Braman right there. What a kitten-up.

Corzo:

4th and 2

This is eerily similar to that Al Davis game.

Corzo:

4th and 7 hahahaha

THIS IS THE EXACT SAME GAME AS THAT AL DAVIS GAME

Mbw (in favor of the tank):

Yaaaaaaay!!!

God I hope we lose to the Jags next week we are going for that #1 spot.

UT:

Very much so.

Let the great purge begin!!!

Captain Ron:

Offensive line - flush and fill in 2014

Mbw:

They should bump next week's game to prime time for this specific reason.

Wow, that was terrible.

Look, I know that there are a lot of extenuating circumstances here -- the team has had a ton of injuries, few breaks have broken their way, and Kubiak's health situation hasn't helped -- but it's pretty clear when you watch a team that no longer believes in themselves.

I'm an engineer and a non-emotional stats guy by nature, but I've also played a lot of sports in my day -- and even at 35 year old, I still play quite a bit -- so I understand the importance of the emotional side of sports. I'm not saying that they've given up, but this team clearly does not feel that they have what it takes to win.

Furthermore, that feeling seems to have spread to the coaching staff. The move to put Matt Schaub back in as quarterback was nothing less than a panic move. I'm not saying that I'm all in on the Case-wagon yet, but he's playing far better than Schaub has in a long time and he has a much brighter future than Schaub does. Pulling him for Schaub did nothing to advance the team's chance of winning nor the team morale.

I don't blame Andre Johnson for getting mad and walking off. Schaub had no business being on the field. The team had a better chance of winning with Case. Andre has given this team all he has while getting minimal support in return. He deserves all sorts of benefit of the doubt if he expresses frustration. As expected, he handled the situation with class, but one can certainly understand his position.

As I mentioned above, the Texans have now tied the NFL-high losing streak for the season.

Awesome.

Anti-Game Balls:

Yes, these are Anti-Game balls. Nobody deserves a game ball today, so we will highlight all the players who have disappointed us today. It's like the NFL version of Festivus.

Offense: The entire offensive line. This really brought back memories of 2002. Neither Keenum nor Schaub had a chance today. This is the one part of the team that hasn't been beset by injury this year, so they have no excuse. Yet, for some reason, Keenum gets the blame.

Defense: D.J. Swearinger. He got the game ball last week, but this week he gets the anti-game ball for thinking that bumping someone with a shoulder equals a tackle.

Special Teams: Joe Marciano. Ha! Seriously, this was the best group of the day. I feel like throwing up.

Raiders vs Texans coverage

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