There was not even a crumb of information to glean with a connotation that correlates with a smile in Sunday's loss to the Raiders. It was the penultimate conclusion to an eight game, two month losing streak that might finally reach its end this week against Jacksonville, but we have been saying that for five weeks now. It was like spending a day at work squirming in your seat while pinching off fart after fart until one could finally reach the safety of his own home. It was like pent-up teenage angst that exploded into plate throwing madness and phrases like "I hate you" and "I wish I was never born." It was like witnessing Initech devoured in flames to combat the years of stapler stealing depression.
After every loss during this eight game ride from the underworld, we all thought last week's loss was the worst of the bunch or there is no way they lose this week or how could this season get any worse? We all kept wondering what rock bottom might look like and whether we had finally reached it. In reality, we have finally learned that in 2013 there is no such thing as rock bottom. We have simply been staring into the abyss.
At halftime against the hapless Raiders, Houston was up 17-14 and had handed fourteen points to the opposition, upping the season total to 119 points allowed because of penalties, turnovers or a play where the opposing offense wasn't on the field. Yes I have been keeping track of that stat since Week Four.
Houston has allowed 119 points because of a penalty, turnover or a play where the opposing offense wasn't on the field. Texans&src=hash">#Texans— Matt Weston (@Mbw987) November 17, 2013
The second half went from disappointing into a dismantling. These were my notes.
- Brandon Harris sucks.
- Brice McCain sucks butt.
- Shiloh Keo sucks also.
- Garrett Graham can't block anyone.
- Texans suck at screens.
- Put Schaub in?
- Schaub sucks.
- 2013 sucks.
- Football sucks.
In the third quarter, Oakland took the lead because Brandon Harris, Brice McCain, and Shiloh Keo were consecutively beat by Matt McGloin passes. Then they would make it 28-17 after Rashad Jennings trucked Jungle Boy Swag en route to an 80 yard touchdown. Consequently, Gary Kubiak rubbed his glasses perched above Reliant in the crow's nest like a vulture patiently waiting for the coyotes to abandon the corpse so he could pick the carcass' bones clean.
The offensive line was a wreck. They failed to pick up the blitz, allowed free blitzers, and couldn't move the line of scrimmage in the run game. Case Keenum scurried for his life as he led the offense to six three and outs and ran only three plays on 50% of his drives. The pass rush was nonexistent, just like it had been all season, and we were treated to a pass defense that crumbled without Brian Cushing. Brice McCain was beat over and over again, D.J. Swearinger was trucked, and Brandon Harris proved why he never plays. Then Kubiak brought in the last person we ever expected in the third quarter: Matt Schuab.
He proceeded to check his way down the field for three points twice when the drives flamed out at the eight and twelve yard lines, respectively. After a J.J. Watt sack forced an Oakland punt, Schaub was given one more chance to comeback against Oakland with the score 28-23. He dinked and he dunked the offense down to Oakland's three yard line, fighting through a buzzsaw of boos. On 4th and 7 at Oakland's 8, Schaub threw an incomplete pass after Andre Johnson cut his route short in the end zone. Everyone knew it was going to happen. Everyone knew there was no way the Texans would win.
After the play was over, Andre Johnson and Schaub spat at each other on the sideline and 'Dre eventually said,"Eff this," and headed to the locker room to save his eyes from the sight of the Raiders' victory formation. After the game Johnson and Schaub would have to be separated, Ben Tate would go onto call Houston fans wishy-washy and Kubiak claimed he took Keenum out because Schaub could better diagnose the Raiders' blitz. Of course, Oakland would stop blitzing altogether. Oh and did I mention they lost to Matt McGloin?
Despite the rotting corpses sticking their hands out from the air duct, the one facet of the game that could even be called decent was, gulp, the special teams. Randy Bullock made his first 50+ yard field goal. Keshawn Martin returned a punt for a touchdown after the ball bounced off the turf, sprung into the air, and popped him in the face. Joe Marciano will continue to coach the Texans' special teams until the sun dies and the earth turns into a lifeless marble devoid of color.
So this impossible-to-hand-out imaginary award will be given to Randy Bullock and Keshawn Martin for being the prettiest smelling turd in the commode.